Circumflex (Ê) (Part One)
Title: Circumflex (Ê) (Part One)
Pairing(s): DooWoon, JunWoon
Rating: PG-13+
Word Count: 7,444
Summary: Even with Doojoon’s increasing hostility, Junhyung refuses to be separated from his love.
A/N: Sequel to “Cedilla (Ç).” bb creetpay ignited my interest and inspired this~ /////
Previous: Cedilla (Ç) [Doojoon/Dongwoon, Junhyung/Dongwoon] (R/NC-17)
&ÇÊ
(Dongwoon’s POV)
I wake, my eyes slowly cracking open to welcome the morning sun. Then a hot, impatient liquid fights up my throat. I hop out of bed and I yank the trash bin out of the corner next to the closet. The acid is strong and concentrated, most likely because I didn’t eat anything last night. The bile burns my lips and throat as it splashes into the trash bin-there’s no way I could’ve made it to the bathroom in time.
Once I’ve gotten everything out, my body screams. My muscles feel like minced, kneaded meat. My bones ache with a throbbing pulse. My head feels swollen with thick fluid. Everything hurts. I feel miserable… I return to bed, crawling much like a wounded animal between my sheets. I shove them up under my chin. I suddenly have the chills…
I can still feel Doojoon hurting me, but Doojoon did not beat me as bad as I anticipated. He was still very angry and upset with me and what I did, but I did not feel that in his punches. I felt it his anger and in his words. He attacked my heart with words shaped as needles, naming me many hurtful things. But I earned those names. Every one of them.
Doojoon was very upset……… and it looked like he was very hurt by what I did. I heard his voice crack many, many times as his throat burned with every syllable spat to me. That hurt me, too… a lot.
It bothers me well into my dreams…
…
“Hey,” Doojoon booms. I jump out of my sleep. I sit up at attention. Doojoon comes out of the bathroom. He’s done showering.
“Y-Yes?” I try my best not to grog.
“What is this? It’s eight o’ clock. Do I have to make breakfast myself?” Doojoon asks, drying his hair. The inquiry stings. He expects me in the kitchen preparing breakfast already.
“I… I-I’m up. I’ll make s-somethin’… I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m up now.”
I crawl out of the bed as fast as my body will permit. The fluid in my head swishes as strongly. I cook up something simple, something that I know he will eat. I fix him coffee, but I never add sugar or cream. He has complained in the past that I’ve added too much or not enough sugar and cream, so I leave that part up to him.
Once I lay out everything on the table, I lay my head down on the armrest of the loveseat. The rest of my body follows. I shrivel up under my old quilt, tucking my legs under my body. Nausea becomes me. I hear Doojoon eating; the clinking noises feel like little pins puncturing the nerves of my eardrums. I wish it would stop. Everything, everything hurts.
Doojoon finishes breakfast. I hear his footsteps grow sharper and closer.
“Hey,” he snaps twice, “Hey wake up.”
I open my eyes… I meet Doojoon’s. They look much softer. He speaks softer. He is kneeling in front of me.
“I know you don’t remember what I told you last night. I have to repeat everything I tell you, anyway, because you don’t ever listen to a word I say. But I want to make this perfectly clear, Dongwoon: you are not allowed to leave this house when I am not here. You are not allowed to go anywhere without me or my permission. Got it?”
I nod. It hurts.
“What have I said about the nodding?”
“Yes, Doojoon…” I croak.
“And that kid… If you think I was rough with you last night, let me find out that you’ve been to his house again, or that you’re seeing him again, or if you’re fucking him again. I don’t like to put my hands on you, Dongwoon. I really, really don’t. But when you blatantly disrespect me, that makes me angry. You belong to me and me only, and you will pay if you ever, ever do that again.”
“I understand, Doojoon…”
“’Cause I can’t have………” Doojoon pauses. He looks up to the ceiling oddly. He blinks fast. He licks his lips, “………don’t make me have to do that again… Don’t ever make me have to do that again, Dongwoon. I mean it. I’ll really have to hurt you then, and I don’t wanna do that. I’m not a monster; I don’t like hurtin’ you.”
“You’re not a monster, Doojoon. And I know you don’t…”
“But you think I’m a monster. You think I like doin’ that to you and I don’t.”
I try to lift my head a little but it hurts so I stop, “I don’t think you’re a monster! I never said you were a monster! You are right: this was my fault. I brought this upon myself. It’s not you, Doojoon. It’s not you at all… I’m sorry. I made a mistake-several mistakes. I promise I will never do anything like that again, Doojoon. I love you, Doojoon… I really do… I love you so much… and I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry…” I want to kiss him…
Doojoon swallows.
“Remember. No leaving. At all.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.”
“Can you say it…?”
“Say what?”
“‘………………I love you.’”
“Why?”
“………Never mind.”
Doojoon nods. He leaves the house.
He can’t even say he loves me.
Guilt consumes me raw. I saw the look in his eyes just then… Doojoon sparsely opens his emotions to me, but… he was visually upset with what I’ve done. I regret all that I’ve done to him. It was not worth seeing my husband upset. I really am disgusting. Doojoon was right to call me those names. How could I have done that…? What was I thinking?
…
…
A ringing phone is like a splash of water to my face. It’s my cellphone. I wake up… the fluid has dried up some. I can see straighter now, and it does not hurt to open my eyes. But the ringing still hurts my ears. I stumble to find the nuisance. It is lodged in between the cushions I lay on top of. Odd. I look to see who’s calling…
………It’s Junhyung.
Immediately I put the phone on the floor… I don’t want to answer it. I-I can’t. Even though I am not violating any of Doojoon spoken rules, I feel that speaking with Junhyung would be something that I know would upset Doojoon further if he found out that we had any contact.
I… I cannot continue to see him anymore. He is bad news for me. He will always be someone special to me, but, that’s gone now. He’s on his two feet-he’s a big boy-and there’s nothing else that I can do for him.
The phone stops crying. I sigh and fall back onto the armrest.
…
…
…
Ping.
He left a voicemail. I sit up again. I stare to the phone. I debate listening to the message. It would not hurt to do so. Would it? Well, I think not. I’m not directly talking to him. Yeah, listening to the message would do no harm… I hope not.
My hand shakes as I stretch to answer.
…
One new message. First message:
Dongwoon hey. I know you don’t want to talk to me right now. I understand. But I need to talk to you. So please, open the door.
‘Open the d-’
Knock knock.
………He’s right outside.
I can’t let him in. I can’t. I can’t answer the door. I can’t.
But he knows I’m inside. It’d be rude not to let him in. I can’t leave him out there. But Doojoon said… and he… but I can’t-
Knock knock knock. “Dongwoon.”
My blood warms when he says my name, but fear locks me in my seat. I can’t disrespect Doojoon again. I curl up into myself, hoping he will give up and go away. Just go away, Junhyung. Go away…
“...If you won’t open up, I’ll just talk to you from right here. I hope you’ll at least listen to me…… Are you alright? I hope he didn’t harm you horribly. I left the apartment-the whole complex-because if I’d stayed any longer, I would’ve done something really bad to Doojoon, and that wouldn’t’ve been good for either one of us. But I still felt powerless. S’like there’s nothing I can do to help you but talk to you and hope you pick up everything that I’m sayin’… and I’m scared that you never will… but it’s not your fault. Doojoon’s a master manipulator. He knows what he’s doin’, but you don’t deserve none o’ what he’s doin’ to you. You’re too good for him. Dongwoon, you’re a beautiful person, and you’re sweet, and he’s undeserving of your time and attention and love. He’s a piece of insecure trash. I don’t regret what happened at all between us. I hope you feel the same, ‘cause I’ve fallen for you. I still feel the same way about you, Dongwoon. That’s not gonna change. You’ve always been special t’ me, an’… you helped me when I needed it an’… I wanna help you now. So if you ever need anything, come and see me… I’ll help you in the best way that I can. Soooo………… yeah. I’ll talk to you later, then……”
…
…
It’s silent now.
He’s gone.
Perfect. Perfect, perfect. He feels for me………… and… I-I feel for him, too. I cannot be completely dishonest, but pieces of me still want him. I was not faking my feelings the other night when we were together. No. He’s become an enchanting man…… but he’s not my man.
I skip breakfast-it’s far too late in the day for that-and I move on to lunch. I heat up some soup and indulge in that. It settles my stomach well. Objects appear as one and not two, and I feel balanced. I let the stew digest, and I decide to get a head start on dinner…
…
…
…
………I’ve awaken in bed.
Wh… What just happened? I was just… I was just in the kitchen… Why… How am I in the bedroom…? I glance to the clock on the wall. “6:49. P.M.”
“H… How…?”
Strange… odd… Did I black out? I don’t remember coming to bed…
I climb off the mattress. I scuttle over to the door-it’s closed. I open it. The television’s on. It wasn’t on when I was awake. That’s because…
Doojoon’s here. He’s on the couch. White take out boxes clutter the cocktail table.
“Doojoon?”
Doojoon looks over to me. He stops eating and stands up and comes to me. He touches my face and he touches my arms.
“Did you just wake up?” he asks seriously during his inspection. His eyebrows are sharply bent.
“…Yeah.”
“What did you do after I left?”
I look to the air to recollect my memories… “I-I laid down a little. Then I made some soup, and I was going to start on dinner-”
“Well I found you in the middle of the kitchen passed out.”
I gasp.
“I passed out?”
“I came home at five. You were sprawled on the floor; the stove was still on. How a fire didn’t start amazes me. You had a pulse, so I knew you’d be fine.”
“I……… I don’t understand-”
“Did you take any pills?”
“No I did not. I-I did think about taking something because I did not feel well this morning, but I put it off, thinking I would get better as the day went on… I still don’t feel my best, but… I took nothing today.”
“Then what could it be, Dongwoon? People don’t pass out for no reason. I just can’t have you passing out randomly.”
It’s like he’s mad at me for passing out… I cannot control that.
“Whatever it is you’re doin’ that’s making you pass out, stop. I have to go to work, and I don’t make money by worrying about if the entire complex is gonna burn down or by babysitting you at home. You’re a grown man: find out what’s wrong and fix it.”
“Yes, Doojoon… S-Sorry…”
Doojoon huffs in my face. He calmly returns to eating and watching television.
&ÇÊ(Weeks later…)
The weeks that have passed have been roller coaster rides one after the other. Nonstop. Some days I wake up ill and drowsy, some days I do not. It doesn’t matter what I eat-nothing stays down. It’s probably nothing more than a bug.
Today I’ve received permission from Doojoon to see our doctor. He drops me off at her office in the late afternoon.
I pray it’s not too serious.
&ÇÊ
(Three days later…)
I cannot postpone this anymore than I already have.
My hand shudders as I loosely hold my phone.
I call up Junhyung.
…
“Woon. Heeeey, how are you doin’ today?”
“Well. I’m doing well……. Erm, nn, I-I need to talk to you right now…”
“Are you okay?”
“I-I’m okay. I just need to see you… now.”
“You mean, you want me to come over?”
“………mhm.”
“And it’s okay.”
“Yes. Doojoon’s gone.”
“’Kay. I’ll be over in a second.”
We hang up, and literally, in seconds, Junhyung is knocking at my door.
I know I’m breaking one of Doojoon’s rules-I have struggled these three days with this very decision that I have made-but this is something that I must say to Junhyung in person. I planned this carefully; Doojoon will be home in two hours, so I have time.
I open the door. Junhyung grabs me hurriedly by the wrist and rips me from my spot. I fall into his chest. His lips land on top of mine. The bottom of my stomach jumps for my lungs. His lips are warm; his arms are so tight around me. I feel like I’m ready to melt all over his nice clothes. We have not seen one another since that night… I’ve missed him, yes. I’ve really missed him…
And I don’t know how long we have been kissing, but I hear him suddenly murmur, “May I come inside?”
I nod.
I lead him inside of the apartment. We take a seat on the couch. Junhyung puts an arm around my shoulders and quietly squeezes me closer that way.
My gaze is to my kneecaps.
“Hey. Look at me. I’m over here,” Junhyung delicately pushes with playfulness. Our pupils line up. They eat me up.
“Is everything alright…?” he asks.
“I…… I’m scared,” I tell him.
“Scared about what?”
“…I’m scared about… about what’s going to happen from here on.”
“An’ I’m scared for you. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to you if you continue staying in this relationship with Doojoon-”
“But there’s something else.”
Junhyung’s right brow jerks.
“Somethin’ like what?”
I sigh. I break our eye contact.
“…Lately, I’ve been feeling very disoriented, very sick. I… I passed out recently. Doojoon found me. He told me to figure out what was going on with me, so I went to the doctor, and……”
“………You went to the doctor aaaaaaand…?”
I can’t believe this still… I exhale, “…And I told her my symptoms. She suspected that I had a stomach bug, and so she gave me an ultrasound and… she found two heartbeats.”
Junhyung’s visage became alight with a faint coral. I see his eyes grow.
“You’re pregnant, Dongwoon?”
I nod skittishly. “I am… I’m eight weeks today… Wait here.”
I leave the sofa to retrieve the pictures she took of the baby. I hid them so well it took me a moment to find them. I return, and I present them to a silent Junhyung. He observes them keenly… I watch him for a while as he flips from picture to picture…
“Doojoon and I have been together for nearly five years. He’s never gotten me pregnant the whole time we’ve been married-I never thought I could bear children-and so-”
“So this is my baby,” says Junhyung.
I gulp……… and bob my head “yes” for him. I look to Junhyung.
Junhyung is beaming at the black-and-white bean in the photos. Then his eyes seek mine. He looks me over three times. My stomach flips and flips. He physically ropes me into these passionate kisses with his arms. All of my troubles fizzle out of me, up and away… My heart patters nervously. I feel like I actually might throw up.
……No, I am actually going to throw up.
I jerk my lips away from Junhyung’s soft mouth.
“JunhyungwaitIum.” I rush to the bathroom. I fall in front of the familiar white bowl, then I let everything go. The orange bile explodes into the toilet. It hurts. The citric acid from the few oranges I had that afternoon felt caustic against the inner walls of my throat.
What is happening to me?
“Dongwoon…! You alright!?” Junhyung falls next to me. He gives me a napkin to wipe my lips. I dab my lips.
“Thank you… And I am fine. I am fine…” I flush the mess. I feel a little better, just wobbly… I’m shaking a little. Junhyung helps me stand.
“Have you eaten recently?”
“I had some fruit…” But that’s down the pipes now.
“Hm… it’s close to lunch. I’ll make you somethin’ quick-”
“Th-That’s not necessary, Junhyung-”
“No, I’m gonna make you somethin’.”
Junhyung leads me back to the sofa by the hand. He gives me some water first, then he enters my little kitchen and whips up something with the food that I have in my fridge. It was a pasta dish of some sort, with a light tomato and cheese sauce-though he simply sprinkled on the shredded cheese I had. He washes and cuts up some leaves of lettuce for a salad. He presents me the plate of food…
“Thank you so much, Junhyung…”
“You’re welcome. Eat up.”
It’s all really good. I eat everything on the plate and Junhyung watches until I finish every bite. He takes the saucer and places it to the side when I’m done. With his fingers he then sweeps some hair out of my eyes, “Was it okay?”
“It was great… thanks.”
“I take it you’re scared ‘cause you’re pregnant?”
The fear returns, “And Doojoon doesn’t know… he can’t know, or… or…”
“He’s not gonna do a damned thing, I know that. If I find out that he’s put his hands on you in any way henceforth, I might really hurt him, Dongwoon. I’m serious. I might really have to hurt him.”
“He hasn’t touched me since that night, Junhyung. H-He’s been good.”
“-Dongwoon, please. Cut the excuses. He’s ‘good’ for right now, but that man could snap just ‘cause he has a pebble in his shoe. It’s more important than ever now to break this off with Doojoon…”
“I……. I know… I’m just so flustered. Everything is going too fast.”
I can’t just give up five years of marriage is what I truly want to tell him. But I don’t.
“I just don’t want you getting hurt anymore. Especially now. Now I’m even more worried for you.”
Junhyung reaches across the couch and holds me in that firm, strong way again-I shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be here…! He drops plenty of kisses on my lips. So many kisses it feels like his lips never part from mine. I let him. My. I’m so lightheaded again, but it feels good… it’s the good kind of dizziness.
“I love you,” Junhyung honestly tells me. He does so without expecting me to say it back.
I am struck with excitement and terror.
&ÇÊ(Two Weeks Later…)
Junhyung and I talk regularly on the phone now. We do so when Doojoon is out of the house and away at work, of course. We talk mostly about the baby and my condition. He calls me up usually in the afternoon, like now.
“Hi Junhyung.”
“Hey… What’re you up to?”
“Finishing some cleaning.”
“I thought I told you you needed to be resting?”
“But I can’t have a dirty apartment, Jun.”
“Well let me come over and clean for you. I don’t start work till three.”
It’s almost two right now.
“………I don’t know.”
“Doojoon’s not there, right?”
“No.”
“So it shouldn’t be a problem. It won’t take me but thirty minutes. And you don’t need to be breathing in those fumes.”
He’s so bossy, but he’s right. He’s echoing the doctor…
I cave in. Junhyung comes to the apartment after my invitation. He tells me to stay put in the living room. I was almost through with mopping; he sets to work immediately.
“I’ve been puttin’ aside what I can to buy little things here and there,” Junhyung mentions, plunging the mop into the soapy water before ringing it out with his hands.
Ah… “You have?” I sound surprised. He slaps the mop on the floor and starts pushing.
“Yeah. Just toys, though. Little stuff. We don’t know the gender yet, so there’s not much to be done about clothes and other things.”
I haven’t really thought much about clothes or toys or beds. The reality of it all hasn’t really knocked me off my feet yet. I don’t think it will till I’m farther along. This is ridiculously surreal. Where would I keep the child? At Junhyung’s? It couldn’t stay here; Doojoon would have one himself. He’s going to have one once he finds out about it. It’s imminent. Oh dear gooood, what am I going to do about Doojoon…!? It’s too much to soak in…
I watch Junhyung mop until his fast, repetitive motions cause me to cross my eyes and feel weak in the head. It took him no time to finish. I think I was going slow… He asks me if there’s anything else he could help me with, but I say no, so he plops beside me on the couch. I can feel his eyes surveying my every visible detail. He makes me the good kind of nervous when he does that.
“You’re quiet,” he concludes.
I smirk self-consciously, struggling to meet his honest gaze.
“I’m just thinking.”
Junhyung settles closer to me on the couch.
“Care to share?”
“……This is all crazy.”
“Heh. You’re tellin’ me. S’not every day you get told you’re gonna be a dad.”
“So I assume you’re happy about this…?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Junhyung softly winks in my direction, dropping a hand on the top of my thigh, “I’ve wanted you for so long.”
Those six words-and that hand-work together to make my heart skip.
“Are you happy?” Junhyung inquires.
“I…… I honestly don’t know what I am.” I don’t know what to feel, or how to feel about this. I’m stressed, if anything, and I know I shouldn’t be.
“Understandable. There’s one particular problem that we have to work out, but I wouldn’t worry so much about it, Woon,” says Junhyung, taking my hand, “you’ve got me to help you. We’ll figure it out together. It’ll all come together in due time. So don’t worry. You hear me?”
I nod. Jun smiles. Then Junhyung leans and pecks my cheek. His lips linger for effect. It definitely has one. He exhales, and his breath tumbles down my neck and leaks underneath my shirt. I shake; a soft gasp breaks away from me. Junhyung all the while appears pleased with my responses; he tries his luck with my lips, but he really didn’t have to try. I’m giving them to him.
I do not know why, but it is so easy for me to let my guard down with him.
Junhyung is so soft with me. I don’t understand it… How could anyone be this soft with another? It makes me scared because I feel exposed and vulnerable and… free.
“Why?” I blurt in a gentle tone. Junhyung blinks, pulling away. Our lips no longer touch.
“Why what?”
“Why do you… have this interest… in me?”
A tight smile sweeps his lips; he holds my hand again. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.
“I guess that translates to why are you in love with me?”
I swallow. That “l” word sounds so different coming out of some other person’s mouth other than my own.
“There are precious things about you, Dongwoon. You’re gentle. You’re empathetic. You’re warm. You help others. You’re attractive. You’re everything a nice person should be, but of course I don’t expect you to know that. Your questions really doesn’t surprise me, either, because you really haven’t been told those things by him on a consistent basis, have you?”
I think on it. No. No I have not. I nod “no.”
“I see all of those things in you, Woon. All of ‘em. You’re a good person, and I hope to help you realize who you truly are. So, if it’s alright with you, may I be in love with you?”
I stare sheepishly to Junhyung. I suppose I do not answer quick enough, because he begins to impatiently work at my neck with his wet lips and breath. And oddly, I am increasingly sinking down, down… until I am laying long ways on the couch, intimately straddled by Junhyung. And he has made his way to the base of my neck. I cannot move; I’m holding my breath and expelling it in short puffs. His sincerity. His heart. His hair caressing my flesh. His hand reaching beneath my shirt. Everything stings so good.
“Jun,” I moan. And he stops.
Our eyes meet when he lifts his head.
“Sorry, I should’ve stopped sooner… I don’t start what I can’t finish.”
It’s close to three now. Seems we both got caught up. Junhyung’s following kisses make me wish we had a few more hours to ourselves.
“I’ll see you later…” Junhyung utters in parting.
He makes me forget that I’m married.
Next: Circumflex (Ê) (Part Two)
Pairing(s): DooWoon, JunWoon
Rating: PG-13+
Word Count: 7,444
Summary: Even with Doojoon’s increasing hostility, Junhyung refuses to be separated from his love.
A/N: Sequel to “Cedilla (Ç).” bb creetpay ignited my interest and inspired this~ /////
Previous: Cedilla (Ç) [Doojoon/Dongwoon, Junhyung/Dongwoon] (R/NC-17)
&ÇÊ
(Dongwoon’s POV)
I wake, my eyes slowly cracking open to welcome the morning sun. Then a hot, impatient liquid fights up my throat. I hop out of bed and I yank the trash bin out of the corner next to the closet. The acid is strong and concentrated, most likely because I didn’t eat anything last night. The bile burns my lips and throat as it splashes into the trash bin-there’s no way I could’ve made it to the bathroom in time.
Once I’ve gotten everything out, my body screams. My muscles feel like minced, kneaded meat. My bones ache with a throbbing pulse. My head feels swollen with thick fluid. Everything hurts. I feel miserable… I return to bed, crawling much like a wounded animal between my sheets. I shove them up under my chin. I suddenly have the chills…
I can still feel Doojoon hurting me, but Doojoon did not beat me as bad as I anticipated. He was still very angry and upset with me and what I did, but I did not feel that in his punches. I felt it his anger and in his words. He attacked my heart with words shaped as needles, naming me many hurtful things. But I earned those names. Every one of them.
Doojoon was very upset……… and it looked like he was very hurt by what I did. I heard his voice crack many, many times as his throat burned with every syllable spat to me. That hurt me, too… a lot.
It bothers me well into my dreams…
…
“Hey,” Doojoon booms. I jump out of my sleep. I sit up at attention. Doojoon comes out of the bathroom. He’s done showering.
“Y-Yes?” I try my best not to grog.
“What is this? It’s eight o’ clock. Do I have to make breakfast myself?” Doojoon asks, drying his hair. The inquiry stings. He expects me in the kitchen preparing breakfast already.
“I… I-I’m up. I’ll make s-somethin’… I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m up now.”
I crawl out of the bed as fast as my body will permit. The fluid in my head swishes as strongly. I cook up something simple, something that I know he will eat. I fix him coffee, but I never add sugar or cream. He has complained in the past that I’ve added too much or not enough sugar and cream, so I leave that part up to him.
Once I lay out everything on the table, I lay my head down on the armrest of the loveseat. The rest of my body follows. I shrivel up under my old quilt, tucking my legs under my body. Nausea becomes me. I hear Doojoon eating; the clinking noises feel like little pins puncturing the nerves of my eardrums. I wish it would stop. Everything, everything hurts.
Doojoon finishes breakfast. I hear his footsteps grow sharper and closer.
“Hey,” he snaps twice, “Hey wake up.”
I open my eyes… I meet Doojoon’s. They look much softer. He speaks softer. He is kneeling in front of me.
“I know you don’t remember what I told you last night. I have to repeat everything I tell you, anyway, because you don’t ever listen to a word I say. But I want to make this perfectly clear, Dongwoon: you are not allowed to leave this house when I am not here. You are not allowed to go anywhere without me or my permission. Got it?”
I nod. It hurts.
“What have I said about the nodding?”
“Yes, Doojoon…” I croak.
“And that kid… If you think I was rough with you last night, let me find out that you’ve been to his house again, or that you’re seeing him again, or if you’re fucking him again. I don’t like to put my hands on you, Dongwoon. I really, really don’t. But when you blatantly disrespect me, that makes me angry. You belong to me and me only, and you will pay if you ever, ever do that again.”
“I understand, Doojoon…”
“’Cause I can’t have………” Doojoon pauses. He looks up to the ceiling oddly. He blinks fast. He licks his lips, “………don’t make me have to do that again… Don’t ever make me have to do that again, Dongwoon. I mean it. I’ll really have to hurt you then, and I don’t wanna do that. I’m not a monster; I don’t like hurtin’ you.”
“You’re not a monster, Doojoon. And I know you don’t…”
“But you think I’m a monster. You think I like doin’ that to you and I don’t.”
I try to lift my head a little but it hurts so I stop, “I don’t think you’re a monster! I never said you were a monster! You are right: this was my fault. I brought this upon myself. It’s not you, Doojoon. It’s not you at all… I’m sorry. I made a mistake-several mistakes. I promise I will never do anything like that again, Doojoon. I love you, Doojoon… I really do… I love you so much… and I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry…” I want to kiss him…
Doojoon swallows.
“Remember. No leaving. At all.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.”
“Can you say it…?”
“Say what?”
“‘………………I love you.’”
“Why?”
“………Never mind.”
Doojoon nods. He leaves the house.
He can’t even say he loves me.
Guilt consumes me raw. I saw the look in his eyes just then… Doojoon sparsely opens his emotions to me, but… he was visually upset with what I’ve done. I regret all that I’ve done to him. It was not worth seeing my husband upset. I really am disgusting. Doojoon was right to call me those names. How could I have done that…? What was I thinking?
…
…
A ringing phone is like a splash of water to my face. It’s my cellphone. I wake up… the fluid has dried up some. I can see straighter now, and it does not hurt to open my eyes. But the ringing still hurts my ears. I stumble to find the nuisance. It is lodged in between the cushions I lay on top of. Odd. I look to see who’s calling…
………It’s Junhyung.
Immediately I put the phone on the floor… I don’t want to answer it. I-I can’t. Even though I am not violating any of Doojoon spoken rules, I feel that speaking with Junhyung would be something that I know would upset Doojoon further if he found out that we had any contact.
I… I cannot continue to see him anymore. He is bad news for me. He will always be someone special to me, but, that’s gone now. He’s on his two feet-he’s a big boy-and there’s nothing else that I can do for him.
The phone stops crying. I sigh and fall back onto the armrest.
…
…
…
Ping.
He left a voicemail. I sit up again. I stare to the phone. I debate listening to the message. It would not hurt to do so. Would it? Well, I think not. I’m not directly talking to him. Yeah, listening to the message would do no harm… I hope not.
My hand shakes as I stretch to answer.
…
One new message. First message:
Dongwoon hey. I know you don’t want to talk to me right now. I understand. But I need to talk to you. So please, open the door.
‘Open the d-’
Knock knock.
………He’s right outside.
I can’t let him in. I can’t. I can’t answer the door. I can’t.
But he knows I’m inside. It’d be rude not to let him in. I can’t leave him out there. But Doojoon said… and he… but I can’t-
Knock knock knock. “Dongwoon.”
My blood warms when he says my name, but fear locks me in my seat. I can’t disrespect Doojoon again. I curl up into myself, hoping he will give up and go away. Just go away, Junhyung. Go away…
“...If you won’t open up, I’ll just talk to you from right here. I hope you’ll at least listen to me…… Are you alright? I hope he didn’t harm you horribly. I left the apartment-the whole complex-because if I’d stayed any longer, I would’ve done something really bad to Doojoon, and that wouldn’t’ve been good for either one of us. But I still felt powerless. S’like there’s nothing I can do to help you but talk to you and hope you pick up everything that I’m sayin’… and I’m scared that you never will… but it’s not your fault. Doojoon’s a master manipulator. He knows what he’s doin’, but you don’t deserve none o’ what he’s doin’ to you. You’re too good for him. Dongwoon, you’re a beautiful person, and you’re sweet, and he’s undeserving of your time and attention and love. He’s a piece of insecure trash. I don’t regret what happened at all between us. I hope you feel the same, ‘cause I’ve fallen for you. I still feel the same way about you, Dongwoon. That’s not gonna change. You’ve always been special t’ me, an’… you helped me when I needed it an’… I wanna help you now. So if you ever need anything, come and see me… I’ll help you in the best way that I can. Soooo………… yeah. I’ll talk to you later, then……”
…
…
It’s silent now.
He’s gone.
Perfect. Perfect, perfect. He feels for me………… and… I-I feel for him, too. I cannot be completely dishonest, but pieces of me still want him. I was not faking my feelings the other night when we were together. No. He’s become an enchanting man…… but he’s not my man.
I skip breakfast-it’s far too late in the day for that-and I move on to lunch. I heat up some soup and indulge in that. It settles my stomach well. Objects appear as one and not two, and I feel balanced. I let the stew digest, and I decide to get a head start on dinner…
…
…
…
………I’ve awaken in bed.
Wh… What just happened? I was just… I was just in the kitchen… Why… How am I in the bedroom…? I glance to the clock on the wall. “6:49. P.M.”
“H… How…?”
Strange… odd… Did I black out? I don’t remember coming to bed…
I climb off the mattress. I scuttle over to the door-it’s closed. I open it. The television’s on. It wasn’t on when I was awake. That’s because…
Doojoon’s here. He’s on the couch. White take out boxes clutter the cocktail table.
“Doojoon?”
Doojoon looks over to me. He stops eating and stands up and comes to me. He touches my face and he touches my arms.
“Did you just wake up?” he asks seriously during his inspection. His eyebrows are sharply bent.
“…Yeah.”
“What did you do after I left?”
I look to the air to recollect my memories… “I-I laid down a little. Then I made some soup, and I was going to start on dinner-”
“Well I found you in the middle of the kitchen passed out.”
I gasp.
“I passed out?”
“I came home at five. You were sprawled on the floor; the stove was still on. How a fire didn’t start amazes me. You had a pulse, so I knew you’d be fine.”
“I……… I don’t understand-”
“Did you take any pills?”
“No I did not. I-I did think about taking something because I did not feel well this morning, but I put it off, thinking I would get better as the day went on… I still don’t feel my best, but… I took nothing today.”
“Then what could it be, Dongwoon? People don’t pass out for no reason. I just can’t have you passing out randomly.”
It’s like he’s mad at me for passing out… I cannot control that.
“Whatever it is you’re doin’ that’s making you pass out, stop. I have to go to work, and I don’t make money by worrying about if the entire complex is gonna burn down or by babysitting you at home. You’re a grown man: find out what’s wrong and fix it.”
“Yes, Doojoon… S-Sorry…”
Doojoon huffs in my face. He calmly returns to eating and watching television.
&ÇÊ(Weeks later…)
The weeks that have passed have been roller coaster rides one after the other. Nonstop. Some days I wake up ill and drowsy, some days I do not. It doesn’t matter what I eat-nothing stays down. It’s probably nothing more than a bug.
Today I’ve received permission from Doojoon to see our doctor. He drops me off at her office in the late afternoon.
I pray it’s not too serious.
&ÇÊ
(Three days later…)
I cannot postpone this anymore than I already have.
My hand shudders as I loosely hold my phone.
I call up Junhyung.
…
“Woon. Heeeey, how are you doin’ today?”
“Well. I’m doing well……. Erm, nn, I-I need to talk to you right now…”
“Are you okay?”
“I-I’m okay. I just need to see you… now.”
“You mean, you want me to come over?”
“………mhm.”
“And it’s okay.”
“Yes. Doojoon’s gone.”
“’Kay. I’ll be over in a second.”
We hang up, and literally, in seconds, Junhyung is knocking at my door.
I know I’m breaking one of Doojoon’s rules-I have struggled these three days with this very decision that I have made-but this is something that I must say to Junhyung in person. I planned this carefully; Doojoon will be home in two hours, so I have time.
I open the door. Junhyung grabs me hurriedly by the wrist and rips me from my spot. I fall into his chest. His lips land on top of mine. The bottom of my stomach jumps for my lungs. His lips are warm; his arms are so tight around me. I feel like I’m ready to melt all over his nice clothes. We have not seen one another since that night… I’ve missed him, yes. I’ve really missed him…
And I don’t know how long we have been kissing, but I hear him suddenly murmur, “May I come inside?”
I nod.
I lead him inside of the apartment. We take a seat on the couch. Junhyung puts an arm around my shoulders and quietly squeezes me closer that way.
My gaze is to my kneecaps.
“Hey. Look at me. I’m over here,” Junhyung delicately pushes with playfulness. Our pupils line up. They eat me up.
“Is everything alright…?” he asks.
“I…… I’m scared,” I tell him.
“Scared about what?”
“…I’m scared about… about what’s going to happen from here on.”
“An’ I’m scared for you. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to you if you continue staying in this relationship with Doojoon-”
“But there’s something else.”
Junhyung’s right brow jerks.
“Somethin’ like what?”
I sigh. I break our eye contact.
“…Lately, I’ve been feeling very disoriented, very sick. I… I passed out recently. Doojoon found me. He told me to figure out what was going on with me, so I went to the doctor, and……”
“………You went to the doctor aaaaaaand…?”
I can’t believe this still… I exhale, “…And I told her my symptoms. She suspected that I had a stomach bug, and so she gave me an ultrasound and… she found two heartbeats.”
Junhyung’s visage became alight with a faint coral. I see his eyes grow.
“You’re pregnant, Dongwoon?”
I nod skittishly. “I am… I’m eight weeks today… Wait here.”
I leave the sofa to retrieve the pictures she took of the baby. I hid them so well it took me a moment to find them. I return, and I present them to a silent Junhyung. He observes them keenly… I watch him for a while as he flips from picture to picture…
“Doojoon and I have been together for nearly five years. He’s never gotten me pregnant the whole time we’ve been married-I never thought I could bear children-and so-”
“So this is my baby,” says Junhyung.
I gulp……… and bob my head “yes” for him. I look to Junhyung.
Junhyung is beaming at the black-and-white bean in the photos. Then his eyes seek mine. He looks me over three times. My stomach flips and flips. He physically ropes me into these passionate kisses with his arms. All of my troubles fizzle out of me, up and away… My heart patters nervously. I feel like I actually might throw up.
……No, I am actually going to throw up.
I jerk my lips away from Junhyung’s soft mouth.
“JunhyungwaitIum.” I rush to the bathroom. I fall in front of the familiar white bowl, then I let everything go. The orange bile explodes into the toilet. It hurts. The citric acid from the few oranges I had that afternoon felt caustic against the inner walls of my throat.
What is happening to me?
“Dongwoon…! You alright!?” Junhyung falls next to me. He gives me a napkin to wipe my lips. I dab my lips.
“Thank you… And I am fine. I am fine…” I flush the mess. I feel a little better, just wobbly… I’m shaking a little. Junhyung helps me stand.
“Have you eaten recently?”
“I had some fruit…” But that’s down the pipes now.
“Hm… it’s close to lunch. I’ll make you somethin’ quick-”
“Th-That’s not necessary, Junhyung-”
“No, I’m gonna make you somethin’.”
Junhyung leads me back to the sofa by the hand. He gives me some water first, then he enters my little kitchen and whips up something with the food that I have in my fridge. It was a pasta dish of some sort, with a light tomato and cheese sauce-though he simply sprinkled on the shredded cheese I had. He washes and cuts up some leaves of lettuce for a salad. He presents me the plate of food…
“Thank you so much, Junhyung…”
“You’re welcome. Eat up.”
It’s all really good. I eat everything on the plate and Junhyung watches until I finish every bite. He takes the saucer and places it to the side when I’m done. With his fingers he then sweeps some hair out of my eyes, “Was it okay?”
“It was great… thanks.”
“I take it you’re scared ‘cause you’re pregnant?”
The fear returns, “And Doojoon doesn’t know… he can’t know, or… or…”
“He’s not gonna do a damned thing, I know that. If I find out that he’s put his hands on you in any way henceforth, I might really hurt him, Dongwoon. I’m serious. I might really have to hurt him.”
“He hasn’t touched me since that night, Junhyung. H-He’s been good.”
“-Dongwoon, please. Cut the excuses. He’s ‘good’ for right now, but that man could snap just ‘cause he has a pebble in his shoe. It’s more important than ever now to break this off with Doojoon…”
“I……. I know… I’m just so flustered. Everything is going too fast.”
I can’t just give up five years of marriage is what I truly want to tell him. But I don’t.
“I just don’t want you getting hurt anymore. Especially now. Now I’m even more worried for you.”
Junhyung reaches across the couch and holds me in that firm, strong way again-I shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be here…! He drops plenty of kisses on my lips. So many kisses it feels like his lips never part from mine. I let him. My. I’m so lightheaded again, but it feels good… it’s the good kind of dizziness.
“I love you,” Junhyung honestly tells me. He does so without expecting me to say it back.
I am struck with excitement and terror.
&ÇÊ(Two Weeks Later…)
Junhyung and I talk regularly on the phone now. We do so when Doojoon is out of the house and away at work, of course. We talk mostly about the baby and my condition. He calls me up usually in the afternoon, like now.
“Hi Junhyung.”
“Hey… What’re you up to?”
“Finishing some cleaning.”
“I thought I told you you needed to be resting?”
“But I can’t have a dirty apartment, Jun.”
“Well let me come over and clean for you. I don’t start work till three.”
It’s almost two right now.
“………I don’t know.”
“Doojoon’s not there, right?”
“No.”
“So it shouldn’t be a problem. It won’t take me but thirty minutes. And you don’t need to be breathing in those fumes.”
He’s so bossy, but he’s right. He’s echoing the doctor…
I cave in. Junhyung comes to the apartment after my invitation. He tells me to stay put in the living room. I was almost through with mopping; he sets to work immediately.
“I’ve been puttin’ aside what I can to buy little things here and there,” Junhyung mentions, plunging the mop into the soapy water before ringing it out with his hands.
Ah… “You have?” I sound surprised. He slaps the mop on the floor and starts pushing.
“Yeah. Just toys, though. Little stuff. We don’t know the gender yet, so there’s not much to be done about clothes and other things.”
I haven’t really thought much about clothes or toys or beds. The reality of it all hasn’t really knocked me off my feet yet. I don’t think it will till I’m farther along. This is ridiculously surreal. Where would I keep the child? At Junhyung’s? It couldn’t stay here; Doojoon would have one himself. He’s going to have one once he finds out about it. It’s imminent. Oh dear gooood, what am I going to do about Doojoon…!? It’s too much to soak in…
I watch Junhyung mop until his fast, repetitive motions cause me to cross my eyes and feel weak in the head. It took him no time to finish. I think I was going slow… He asks me if there’s anything else he could help me with, but I say no, so he plops beside me on the couch. I can feel his eyes surveying my every visible detail. He makes me the good kind of nervous when he does that.
“You’re quiet,” he concludes.
I smirk self-consciously, struggling to meet his honest gaze.
“I’m just thinking.”
Junhyung settles closer to me on the couch.
“Care to share?”
“……This is all crazy.”
“Heh. You’re tellin’ me. S’not every day you get told you’re gonna be a dad.”
“So I assume you’re happy about this…?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Junhyung softly winks in my direction, dropping a hand on the top of my thigh, “I’ve wanted you for so long.”
Those six words-and that hand-work together to make my heart skip.
“Are you happy?” Junhyung inquires.
“I…… I honestly don’t know what I am.” I don’t know what to feel, or how to feel about this. I’m stressed, if anything, and I know I shouldn’t be.
“Understandable. There’s one particular problem that we have to work out, but I wouldn’t worry so much about it, Woon,” says Junhyung, taking my hand, “you’ve got me to help you. We’ll figure it out together. It’ll all come together in due time. So don’t worry. You hear me?”
I nod. Jun smiles. Then Junhyung leans and pecks my cheek. His lips linger for effect. It definitely has one. He exhales, and his breath tumbles down my neck and leaks underneath my shirt. I shake; a soft gasp breaks away from me. Junhyung all the while appears pleased with my responses; he tries his luck with my lips, but he really didn’t have to try. I’m giving them to him.
I do not know why, but it is so easy for me to let my guard down with him.
Junhyung is so soft with me. I don’t understand it… How could anyone be this soft with another? It makes me scared because I feel exposed and vulnerable and… free.
“Why?” I blurt in a gentle tone. Junhyung blinks, pulling away. Our lips no longer touch.
“Why what?”
“Why do you… have this interest… in me?”
A tight smile sweeps his lips; he holds my hand again. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.
“I guess that translates to why are you in love with me?”
I swallow. That “l” word sounds so different coming out of some other person’s mouth other than my own.
“There are precious things about you, Dongwoon. You’re gentle. You’re empathetic. You’re warm. You help others. You’re attractive. You’re everything a nice person should be, but of course I don’t expect you to know that. Your questions really doesn’t surprise me, either, because you really haven’t been told those things by him on a consistent basis, have you?”
I think on it. No. No I have not. I nod “no.”
“I see all of those things in you, Woon. All of ‘em. You’re a good person, and I hope to help you realize who you truly are. So, if it’s alright with you, may I be in love with you?”
I stare sheepishly to Junhyung. I suppose I do not answer quick enough, because he begins to impatiently work at my neck with his wet lips and breath. And oddly, I am increasingly sinking down, down… until I am laying long ways on the couch, intimately straddled by Junhyung. And he has made his way to the base of my neck. I cannot move; I’m holding my breath and expelling it in short puffs. His sincerity. His heart. His hair caressing my flesh. His hand reaching beneath my shirt. Everything stings so good.
“Jun,” I moan. And he stops.
Our eyes meet when he lifts his head.
“Sorry, I should’ve stopped sooner… I don’t start what I can’t finish.”
It’s close to three now. Seems we both got caught up. Junhyung’s following kisses make me wish we had a few more hours to ourselves.
“I’ll see you later…” Junhyung utters in parting.
He makes me forget that I’m married.
Next: Circumflex (Ê) (Part Two)