What a differance a year has made...
As I write this I am just passing what would have been my 7th wedding anniversary. Would have being the key word, I knew the day I married him that I didn't love him. I knew he wasn't the one, but yet, here I am in the white fluffy dress, my hair and nails done, and all of our loved one's waiting for me to walk in. How can I back out now? And so I went through the motions of the wedding, the reception and even that marriage trying to make it work and to hold my life together. Finally he realized what a sham our marriage was and put an end to it. Grant it, he was cheating on me the entirety of our marriage so it's not like there was much to it. But the pain I felt afterward wasn't a normal pain. I wasn't upset that the marriage didn't last, I wasn't mad that he was out of my life. Hell to be honest I didn’t' hate the women involved all that much.
Too be honest I was more upset with myself. In my eye's I had failed at making my marriage work. Now I wasn't the one sleeping with other people, I kept my marriage vows in tact till the ink dried on the divorce papers. Now I know you are sitting there looking at this going, you didn't fail, you tried, blah, blah, blah... Been there, heard it, but at the time TO ME, I feel I had failed.
Since than I have been with technically only one other man, and he is the man I am with currently. I am in a blissful state of happiness. He knows me better than anyone and knows the me I hide. The insecure little girl who needs to be shown not so much with words but with actions that she's not only beautiful, but she is loved.
Till him I didn't enjoy sex. I liked it, I liked the attention I had DURING, but I was always left unfulfilled sexually. But he could read me and knew what I craved and gave me those things.
And with Chris it's more than sexual. Always has been, there has always been a deep friendship and respect between us. But a spark of something else, only I was too young for us to pursue it.
It's not perfect no matter what kind of bow I put on it. Until the last month it's been stressed due to him not having a job, which is fixed, he's now working at The Wyngate Hotel in Indy not far from the airport. Third shift which has limited the time we get to be together a bit more but we make it work. His father is constantly "borrowing" money which was difficult since he had very little money coming in. My work schedule only making it even more difficult for us to find time to be together. Plus his school schedule which while it's only three days a week, it's during the time he SHOULD be sleeping for work. So he's slightly cranky some days, but always pleasant and loving toward me.
There's also the constant wondering and fears left over from my ex-husband...
Are we going to get married? I don't know. Perhaps... Children? Well I have got him to agree to one so far as I desperately want to be a mother, but he's terrified of being a father.
In the last few months I have run into a few of my ex-husbands family members. They comment how much happier I seem, how more settled I am. I comment that I was saved, not in the religious sense, but in the sense that I found a man I can trust. I don't stress daily on him meeting my friends and family, I look forward to it. I don't worry about him cheating on me, honestly, when the hell would he have time. And most of all, I feel safe in his arms, I hated being held by my ex, with Chris it's NATURAL.
I get asked by them what happened exactly with my former marriage, and I am honest, my ex couldn't keep his pants on. I KNEW he was cheating and I turned a blind eye to it. I KNEW, I wasn't stupid as some thought. I was just trying to make it work. I was his rebellion against his mother, she hated me with a passion, I knew it, she didn't exactly hide it.
I've been told he's still a pizza delivery boy, with no want to better his position. To be honest, this doesn't surprise me, he was at FI for way longer than he should have been given the shit they put him through. And he's apparently couch surfing since his parents, sister and girlfriend kicked him out. This makes me laugh, hard... Perhaps that's mean but honestly he got what he deserved.
Ok, now i'm going to quit clogging your feed, hopefully I will be around a bit more here soon... :)
Too be honest I was more upset with myself. In my eye's I had failed at making my marriage work. Now I wasn't the one sleeping with other people, I kept my marriage vows in tact till the ink dried on the divorce papers. Now I know you are sitting there looking at this going, you didn't fail, you tried, blah, blah, blah... Been there, heard it, but at the time TO ME, I feel I had failed.
Since than I have been with technically only one other man, and he is the man I am with currently. I am in a blissful state of happiness. He knows me better than anyone and knows the me I hide. The insecure little girl who needs to be shown not so much with words but with actions that she's not only beautiful, but she is loved.
Till him I didn't enjoy sex. I liked it, I liked the attention I had DURING, but I was always left unfulfilled sexually. But he could read me and knew what I craved and gave me those things.
And with Chris it's more than sexual. Always has been, there has always been a deep friendship and respect between us. But a spark of something else, only I was too young for us to pursue it.
It's not perfect no matter what kind of bow I put on it. Until the last month it's been stressed due to him not having a job, which is fixed, he's now working at The Wyngate Hotel in Indy not far from the airport. Third shift which has limited the time we get to be together a bit more but we make it work. His father is constantly "borrowing" money which was difficult since he had very little money coming in. My work schedule only making it even more difficult for us to find time to be together. Plus his school schedule which while it's only three days a week, it's during the time he SHOULD be sleeping for work. So he's slightly cranky some days, but always pleasant and loving toward me.
There's also the constant wondering and fears left over from my ex-husband...
- Am I enough?
- Will this last?
- Will he cheat on me?
Are we going to get married? I don't know. Perhaps... Children? Well I have got him to agree to one so far as I desperately want to be a mother, but he's terrified of being a father.
In the last few months I have run into a few of my ex-husbands family members. They comment how much happier I seem, how more settled I am. I comment that I was saved, not in the religious sense, but in the sense that I found a man I can trust. I don't stress daily on him meeting my friends and family, I look forward to it. I don't worry about him cheating on me, honestly, when the hell would he have time. And most of all, I feel safe in his arms, I hated being held by my ex, with Chris it's NATURAL.
I get asked by them what happened exactly with my former marriage, and I am honest, my ex couldn't keep his pants on. I KNEW he was cheating and I turned a blind eye to it. I KNEW, I wasn't stupid as some thought. I was just trying to make it work. I was his rebellion against his mother, she hated me with a passion, I knew it, she didn't exactly hide it.
I've been told he's still a pizza delivery boy, with no want to better his position. To be honest, this doesn't surprise me, he was at FI for way longer than he should have been given the shit they put him through. And he's apparently couch surfing since his parents, sister and girlfriend kicked him out. This makes me laugh, hard... Perhaps that's mean but honestly he got what he deserved.
Ok, now i'm going to quit clogging your feed, hopefully I will be around a bit more here soon... :)