I want to run away to Russia, this time though, it's a ticket for one
I don't really know what to think about anything anymore.
Florida was fun, saw some friends, some that I hadn't seen in a while. Went to the beach, skinned my knee, went shopping, went to a jewelry making class, went swimming, had lots of talks, got no sleep and so much more. I withdrew myself from Dreyfoos while I was there. My mom didn't "feel like" doing it while she was here so I received the honor of officially signing myself out of the only school I've ever enjoyed going to. The new guidance secretary is really, she was a big help. So there I was, by myself, in bare office signing a paper that said "By signing this you have left Dreyfoos and can only come back by another audition process." I thought I was handling it pretty well. Then she said "You're all set, good luck this year." I thought I was fine, I walked out of the office and out towards building 2, while I was walking by my locker it hit me. So many memories, random notes from Eamon, yelling at Cathy from across the hallway, early morning talks with Joanna, so many memories from that one location. I touched my locker and just stared at it. Then the tears started to roll. I walked out of the door and towards building 2 and I thought "I am no longer a student here, It's really happening." Ms. Weber was there and asked me if I was alright which was more appreciated then she knows. At least someone was there with me when I had to do that. Pretty crazy isn't it, your parents make you move but can't even do you the favor of signing you out, signing that paper was so hard for me. Part of me didn't want to do it and hold on for a little bit longer. I didn't want to do it, but I did and it's over. I can't come back.
I'm holding onto the fact that I will be at the away debate tournaments and coming down to visit so I think I can make the best of it. Right now I'm okay because I still feel like I am on vacation. But when Wed. comes and everyone goes back to school I'm going to realize it. And I'll realize it even more so when Monday rolls around and I have to go to school.
Lately I've found myself noticing if people are married. I can't explain it, while at work when a customer comes to the register I always notice whether or not they are wearing a wedding band. It's so weird, I can't help it, I just naturally look. I think part of me is longing for something that is no longer there, something that I still want. I really young couple came in the other day, I would have never thought they would be married, it really hit me, I don't know why. Then I thought of Mac and Caitlyn and remembered how I went to the wedding in Dec. and all the emotions I felt at the time. How up until one month ago, I thought I was going to be like them. Now my dream is shattered and I can't deal with it. Part of me still thinks it's there, but that's because I am denying that this has ever happeend. I need that in my life, I can't stnad to live without it.
On that subject, this kid Matt from work said something to me the other day that made me think about my feeling for someone else. When he said it my heart was numb, not the usual tingle that is associated with such a phrase. Not only are the feelings not mutual but I realized that I have those for some one else and I don't think they will ever go away.
One year ago I was excited about starting school. Everything was going my way. I would have never thought one year later I would be thrown 800 miles away. I want my old life back, I want to be happy again. In so many ways, this wasn't supposed to happen. I had my life planned out in every aspect and now all of that is gone. I have nothing to hold onto. I'm all by myself. It's just me, alone, here, without you. Forever without you. Becuase I screwed up the one thing that ever was important to me.
Things are so weird, I just needed to think some things out. Nothing is making any sense to me anymore.
By the way, if someone wants Locker 1005, it's reserved for this year...
Florida was fun, saw some friends, some that I hadn't seen in a while. Went to the beach, skinned my knee, went shopping, went to a jewelry making class, went swimming, had lots of talks, got no sleep and so much more. I withdrew myself from Dreyfoos while I was there. My mom didn't "feel like" doing it while she was here so I received the honor of officially signing myself out of the only school I've ever enjoyed going to. The new guidance secretary is really, she was a big help. So there I was, by myself, in bare office signing a paper that said "By signing this you have left Dreyfoos and can only come back by another audition process." I thought I was handling it pretty well. Then she said "You're all set, good luck this year." I thought I was fine, I walked out of the office and out towards building 2, while I was walking by my locker it hit me. So many memories, random notes from Eamon, yelling at Cathy from across the hallway, early morning talks with Joanna, so many memories from that one location. I touched my locker and just stared at it. Then the tears started to roll. I walked out of the door and towards building 2 and I thought "I am no longer a student here, It's really happening." Ms. Weber was there and asked me if I was alright which was more appreciated then she knows. At least someone was there with me when I had to do that. Pretty crazy isn't it, your parents make you move but can't even do you the favor of signing you out, signing that paper was so hard for me. Part of me didn't want to do it and hold on for a little bit longer. I didn't want to do it, but I did and it's over. I can't come back.
I'm holding onto the fact that I will be at the away debate tournaments and coming down to visit so I think I can make the best of it. Right now I'm okay because I still feel like I am on vacation. But when Wed. comes and everyone goes back to school I'm going to realize it. And I'll realize it even more so when Monday rolls around and I have to go to school.
Lately I've found myself noticing if people are married. I can't explain it, while at work when a customer comes to the register I always notice whether or not they are wearing a wedding band. It's so weird, I can't help it, I just naturally look. I think part of me is longing for something that is no longer there, something that I still want. I really young couple came in the other day, I would have never thought they would be married, it really hit me, I don't know why. Then I thought of Mac and Caitlyn and remembered how I went to the wedding in Dec. and all the emotions I felt at the time. How up until one month ago, I thought I was going to be like them. Now my dream is shattered and I can't deal with it. Part of me still thinks it's there, but that's because I am denying that this has ever happeend. I need that in my life, I can't stnad to live without it.
On that subject, this kid Matt from work said something to me the other day that made me think about my feeling for someone else. When he said it my heart was numb, not the usual tingle that is associated with such a phrase. Not only are the feelings not mutual but I realized that I have those for some one else and I don't think they will ever go away.
One year ago I was excited about starting school. Everything was going my way. I would have never thought one year later I would be thrown 800 miles away. I want my old life back, I want to be happy again. In so many ways, this wasn't supposed to happen. I had my life planned out in every aspect and now all of that is gone. I have nothing to hold onto. I'm all by myself. It's just me, alone, here, without you. Forever without you. Becuase I screwed up the one thing that ever was important to me.
Things are so weird, I just needed to think some things out. Nothing is making any sense to me anymore.
By the way, if someone wants Locker 1005, it's reserved for this year...