(no subject)
I am starting to learn that being in a Long Distance relationship truly bites the big one. This one is suppose to work and will truly come to some fruition but is it really? I have a lot of fears on this one. I also need to know if I am doing it for me or to make him and the kiddos happy. Doing what I think is right for them. It felt very "right" having him here but then again was it simply the comfort of not being loney and familiarity?
I am also finding it hard to talk to him about anything to personal. I was told I was strong I can handle everything. What is the point then in having someone else in your life you can not share the hard times with that person. Your fears your dreams your hopes and everything else that may be going on inside. We wont even talk about the lack of any kind of "sexual" stimulation either. I can not even go down that road, inside of my own head. That may be in a part because of a habit that has evolved in the last 2 and half years. Long ago that choice was made. I dislike not being able to communicate with him. I hate not being able to tell these things to him but instead use the open forum and then even then I censor myself. I dislike the second guessing and the doubts and I start to talk about it then stop because well what does it really matter. Nothing is going to change any time soon. What good does it do tell him why I was such a flirt friday night. Why did I even tell him about what happened.
His life hasnt changed that much but mine is all topsy turvy. I told everyone he hasnt told anyone except that he is coming down here. His life hasnt changed but mine has once again gone into limbo. Sure he works a bit more now, but he still lives with her and for all I know is still sleeping in the same bed most nights. I have had to curb going out because after all I am planning on marrying someone and being with them only for the rest of my life. She still takes up most of his time and since its such a "touchy" situation who is made to suffer....I am. Sundays I look forward to since they are the one day a week we spend more than 15 minutes on the phone with each other (though even that is becoming a precious comodity anymore). I feel like I am the only putting out the effort at communication only to get stomped on and disappointed, or made to take second string to her and his life with her.
I know some of this is because of things at work and I have had a "bad" week but it seems to just build and feed off of everything. I thought that it would be my happy joy joy time and its not. More and More I am thinking maybe this was all a mistake. I t doesnt mean I love him any less but a mistake still.
Goes to get the 4 hrs of sleep I am allowed to have because of work.
I am also finding it hard to talk to him about anything to personal. I was told I was strong I can handle everything. What is the point then in having someone else in your life you can not share the hard times with that person. Your fears your dreams your hopes and everything else that may be going on inside. We wont even talk about the lack of any kind of "sexual" stimulation either. I can not even go down that road, inside of my own head. That may be in a part because of a habit that has evolved in the last 2 and half years. Long ago that choice was made. I dislike not being able to communicate with him. I hate not being able to tell these things to him but instead use the open forum and then even then I censor myself. I dislike the second guessing and the doubts and I start to talk about it then stop because well what does it really matter. Nothing is going to change any time soon. What good does it do tell him why I was such a flirt friday night. Why did I even tell him about what happened.
His life hasnt changed that much but mine is all topsy turvy. I told everyone he hasnt told anyone except that he is coming down here. His life hasnt changed but mine has once again gone into limbo. Sure he works a bit more now, but he still lives with her and for all I know is still sleeping in the same bed most nights. I have had to curb going out because after all I am planning on marrying someone and being with them only for the rest of my life. She still takes up most of his time and since its such a "touchy" situation who is made to suffer....I am. Sundays I look forward to since they are the one day a week we spend more than 15 minutes on the phone with each other (though even that is becoming a precious comodity anymore). I feel like I am the only putting out the effort at communication only to get stomped on and disappointed, or made to take second string to her and his life with her.
I know some of this is because of things at work and I have had a "bad" week but it seems to just build and feed off of everything. I thought that it would be my happy joy joy time and its not. More and More I am thinking maybe this was all a mistake. I t doesnt mean I love him any less but a mistake still.
Goes to get the 4 hrs of sleep I am allowed to have because of work.