(no subject)
This journal entry has been hard to write. I am just going to go with what I can and hope it ends well from here.
I found out over a week ago that my ex-husband passed away in his sleep. It was only a month prior that I had found out for certain that he was sick at all. It was something that I found out when browsing twitter no less.
I saw that he had started a go-fund me page for his cancer victory. The next updates were at the hospital with pictures of his chemo. Solid proof that he was as he said he was. His twitter never took itself too seriously or projected the bleak picture that laid ahead. It was that he had cancer, he was getting treatment and sometimes the treatment was rough. There was never any public talk of his prognosis that I saw or outcomes. For the most part, he tried to remain optimistic. I don't know if that was because he was putting on a brave face or he didn't know what was coming ahead.
The past three years had been pretty difficult for us to communicate.
There was too much bitterness from our attempts to save our marriage to navigate our divorce at all, let alone with grace. Really though, he never forgave me for leaving him. It was something he promised that he'd make me pay for. Goodness knows that he tried to do just that.
He'd done some pretty heinous things in that time. He'd also lied so often about the most mundane things, I didn't know what was what. Even when I knew that it was a lie, there was still that part of me that thought maybe it could be true. Even if it was about the sky being purple. I hated that he could do that to me. Every time.. even after all the time had went by.
On the very last communication we had two years ago, he said that he didn't want to see the kids because of the lump in his neck (Originally, he said it was because he moved into an apartment with his girlfriend and there was no 'room' in their 1 bedroom apartment). He also clarified that he didn't want to see anyone. Something that I knew wasn't entirely true, as there were pictures of him out with his friends at meet ups and at Gen Con in the following weeks.
The lump was something I had known about since he had it before we ever got together. When asked about it originally, he told me that he had it biopsied when he was with his ex wife and it came back clean. Apparently sometime during our divorce, it had started to grow. It wasn't long after he got hit with couple of child support payments, that he let go of his job. What would be likely to be six months later, his text messages said that he couldn't get a job because of his neck and the thought from employers that he'd just use them for the insurance. Never had any point had he said that he'd been to the doctor or that he had a diagnosis. Or even a more direct "Hey! I have cancer!". Just that it made him uncomfortable, he didn't want to be around anyone and people were assuming he was sick.
About four months later when he learned that I had moved, he and his mother filed a lawsuit. Demanding things like I should be jail for taking the children without permission, demanding that I give up custody to him if I wanted to continue to live where I was living. Something that was laughable, as I couldn't get him to see his children even when it was his time to see them. It's pretty apparent that the full custody idea came from his mother. This was something she had once tried before, but with no basis or standing for.
Two months into the proceedings, we offered a compromise. It was passed onto his lawyer and Matt refused to respond. Though we were told that Matt's side want to reach an agreement, they never responded to our offers even with counter offers. His lawyer had mentioned to mine something about cancer though very vague when he mentioned it and wouldn't give details. I told the lawyer that if he could provide proof, that I would try my best to make arraignments for them to see their dad.
Again. We never heard back.
The call was dismissed due to lack of response from his lawyers. Then a few months ago, I found out that it started all back up again. I am not sure if that was more him, his mother or what.
The thing that astounds me is if at any point the man reached out to me... Told me what was going on, I would have done something. I would have found a way. To think that he didn't get to hug his children goodbye, to see how they grew, makes me really sad for him. There was so much time that they were here for him to spend time with, but he just didn't want to. I am choosing to believe, because I can, that he wanted to protect the children from watching him fade like his grandfather did. I know that stuck out in his mind.
There were so many times that I wanted it to just go away.
We spent so many years warring with one another, I'd forgotten the basis of that was once love.
I'd forgotten that at one point we had been happy with one another before we let things deteriorate. If I would have known then what I know now, I would have went for divorce when my instincts told me to. Not because it would have given me more freedom, but because maybe we could have still been friends and all these years wouldn't have been wasted in bitterness.
Up from his live journal is still a post that is locked to me. It's a goodbye letter from when we were first separated.
Now it's my turn to write one to him. Only it's one that he'll never get to read.
I found out over a week ago that my ex-husband passed away in his sleep. It was only a month prior that I had found out for certain that he was sick at all. It was something that I found out when browsing twitter no less.
I saw that he had started a go-fund me page for his cancer victory. The next updates were at the hospital with pictures of his chemo. Solid proof that he was as he said he was. His twitter never took itself too seriously or projected the bleak picture that laid ahead. It was that he had cancer, he was getting treatment and sometimes the treatment was rough. There was never any public talk of his prognosis that I saw or outcomes. For the most part, he tried to remain optimistic. I don't know if that was because he was putting on a brave face or he didn't know what was coming ahead.
The past three years had been pretty difficult for us to communicate.
There was too much bitterness from our attempts to save our marriage to navigate our divorce at all, let alone with grace. Really though, he never forgave me for leaving him. It was something he promised that he'd make me pay for. Goodness knows that he tried to do just that.
He'd done some pretty heinous things in that time. He'd also lied so often about the most mundane things, I didn't know what was what. Even when I knew that it was a lie, there was still that part of me that thought maybe it could be true. Even if it was about the sky being purple. I hated that he could do that to me. Every time.. even after all the time had went by.
On the very last communication we had two years ago, he said that he didn't want to see the kids because of the lump in his neck (Originally, he said it was because he moved into an apartment with his girlfriend and there was no 'room' in their 1 bedroom apartment). He also clarified that he didn't want to see anyone. Something that I knew wasn't entirely true, as there were pictures of him out with his friends at meet ups and at Gen Con in the following weeks.
The lump was something I had known about since he had it before we ever got together. When asked about it originally, he told me that he had it biopsied when he was with his ex wife and it came back clean. Apparently sometime during our divorce, it had started to grow. It wasn't long after he got hit with couple of child support payments, that he let go of his job. What would be likely to be six months later, his text messages said that he couldn't get a job because of his neck and the thought from employers that he'd just use them for the insurance. Never had any point had he said that he'd been to the doctor or that he had a diagnosis. Or even a more direct "Hey! I have cancer!". Just that it made him uncomfortable, he didn't want to be around anyone and people were assuming he was sick.
About four months later when he learned that I had moved, he and his mother filed a lawsuit. Demanding things like I should be jail for taking the children without permission, demanding that I give up custody to him if I wanted to continue to live where I was living. Something that was laughable, as I couldn't get him to see his children even when it was his time to see them. It's pretty apparent that the full custody idea came from his mother. This was something she had once tried before, but with no basis or standing for.
Two months into the proceedings, we offered a compromise. It was passed onto his lawyer and Matt refused to respond. Though we were told that Matt's side want to reach an agreement, they never responded to our offers even with counter offers. His lawyer had mentioned to mine something about cancer though very vague when he mentioned it and wouldn't give details. I told the lawyer that if he could provide proof, that I would try my best to make arraignments for them to see their dad.
Again. We never heard back.
The call was dismissed due to lack of response from his lawyers. Then a few months ago, I found out that it started all back up again. I am not sure if that was more him, his mother or what.
The thing that astounds me is if at any point the man reached out to me... Told me what was going on, I would have done something. I would have found a way. To think that he didn't get to hug his children goodbye, to see how they grew, makes me really sad for him. There was so much time that they were here for him to spend time with, but he just didn't want to. I am choosing to believe, because I can, that he wanted to protect the children from watching him fade like his grandfather did. I know that stuck out in his mind.
There were so many times that I wanted it to just go away.
We spent so many years warring with one another, I'd forgotten the basis of that was once love.
I'd forgotten that at one point we had been happy with one another before we let things deteriorate. If I would have known then what I know now, I would have went for divorce when my instincts told me to. Not because it would have given me more freedom, but because maybe we could have still been friends and all these years wouldn't have been wasted in bitterness.
Up from his live journal is still a post that is locked to me. It's a goodbye letter from when we were first separated.
Now it's my turn to write one to him. Only it's one that he'll never get to read.