(no subject)
I talked to Alexa, today. I miss her tons, it was great to talk to her. She lives in Janesville (WISCONSIN!!!) and was in Spain with me last year. She's going back in May for 2 weeks - I'm so jealous! I want to go back sooo bad. In Spain, my life made sense. I realize that that is mostly because I had a virtually stress free life, there. There were no parents to argue with or to disapoint. There were no teachers with high expectations. There were no predetermined social groups to be intimidated by. There were no preconceived ideas of who exactly "Leah Zine" is or was or could become. The people there don't know me for the way I lived my life in middle school or grade school. They didn't care who I was friends with or whether or not I had ever dated so-and-so. Everything they know about me comes directly from what I was like then and there. I didn't have to be the person I had been for 17 years. I could be whoever I wanted to be.
I could be myself. Spain helped me figure out who that is. I never really knew before, I just let everyone else decide for me. "That's Leah. She's shy. Quiet. A book worm. A geeky math tutor who never says anything and never has any fun," etc. Whatever. I used to let how other people saw me direct who I became. I couldn't break out of that mould because that was how everyone else knew me.
Not in Spain. I felt freer there than I ever have. I lived a completely different life, almost like a different person altogether. While there, I stopped caring what everyone "might think," simply because I knew I would leave in a year, so it didn't matter anyway. I could let loose. I could relax and think about... everything. Anything.
Going to Spain seriously changed my life in every way possible. It changed the way I look at life in general. It changed me.
In fact, I recently found out that Courtney voted me "Most Changed Since Freshman Year" on the senior poll. Its funny because I spent the whole first half of this year trying to convince everyone that I haven't changed at all. (Other than physically, that is, because I did grow about 3 inches! Ask anyone, I used to be super short.) After all, I might look different, but I am still the same exact person on the inside, right? I swore that "I haven't changed at all!"
I have changed, though, and in many more ways than by just cutting my hair.
Some of those changes, I'm happy with, and some I'm not.
Leah a year ago was shy and quiet. She hardly ever spoke unless spoken to, and she would never be the one to introduce herself first. She couldn't imagine ever flirting with a guy, or (gasp!) admitting a crush, or EVER going out on a date... much less actually having a boyfriend. Actually, she didn't talk to boys much at all. Or girls, for that matter. Or anybody. Leah a year ago smiled at everything and would never talk about things that went wrong in her life. She wouldn't invite people to do anything for fear of rejection. She would never do anything random or crazy, because "What would people think?!!" She kept to herself and didn't make any waves, if she could help it.
I'm not that girl anymore. I'm still incredibly shy, make no mistake, but I've figured out how to get past that. I laugh when I need to and I cry when I need to. I talk to total strangers if we have something to talk about. I talk to my friends about things that matter. I do hand stands in people's kitchens (don't ask) and I'm not afraid to call someone up and say, "Lets hang out, I'm bored out of my mind." I stopped trying to please everyone, and life is easier because of that. I finally feel like I can be who I am without worrying about being judged and rejected. I stopped caring about a lot of things that I used to think were terribly important. They aren't, I see that now.
Granted, this more care-free attitude has gotten me into a lot of trouble, too, but I guess we have to learn to take the good with the bad.
Am I different? Have I changed over the past year and a half? Yes. And I don't think thats a good OR a bad thing. It just is. Now I get to figure out where to go from here.
I could be myself. Spain helped me figure out who that is. I never really knew before, I just let everyone else decide for me. "That's Leah. She's shy. Quiet. A book worm. A geeky math tutor who never says anything and never has any fun," etc. Whatever. I used to let how other people saw me direct who I became. I couldn't break out of that mould because that was how everyone else knew me.
Not in Spain. I felt freer there than I ever have. I lived a completely different life, almost like a different person altogether. While there, I stopped caring what everyone "might think," simply because I knew I would leave in a year, so it didn't matter anyway. I could let loose. I could relax and think about... everything. Anything.
Going to Spain seriously changed my life in every way possible. It changed the way I look at life in general. It changed me.
In fact, I recently found out that Courtney voted me "Most Changed Since Freshman Year" on the senior poll. Its funny because I spent the whole first half of this year trying to convince everyone that I haven't changed at all. (Other than physically, that is, because I did grow about 3 inches! Ask anyone, I used to be super short.) After all, I might look different, but I am still the same exact person on the inside, right? I swore that "I haven't changed at all!"
I have changed, though, and in many more ways than by just cutting my hair.
Some of those changes, I'm happy with, and some I'm not.
Leah a year ago was shy and quiet. She hardly ever spoke unless spoken to, and she would never be the one to introduce herself first. She couldn't imagine ever flirting with a guy, or (gasp!) admitting a crush, or EVER going out on a date... much less actually having a boyfriend. Actually, she didn't talk to boys much at all. Or girls, for that matter. Or anybody. Leah a year ago smiled at everything and would never talk about things that went wrong in her life. She wouldn't invite people to do anything for fear of rejection. She would never do anything random or crazy, because "What would people think?!!" She kept to herself and didn't make any waves, if she could help it.
I'm not that girl anymore. I'm still incredibly shy, make no mistake, but I've figured out how to get past that. I laugh when I need to and I cry when I need to. I talk to total strangers if we have something to talk about. I talk to my friends about things that matter. I do hand stands in people's kitchens (don't ask) and I'm not afraid to call someone up and say, "Lets hang out, I'm bored out of my mind." I stopped trying to please everyone, and life is easier because of that. I finally feel like I can be who I am without worrying about being judged and rejected. I stopped caring about a lot of things that I used to think were terribly important. They aren't, I see that now.
Granted, this more care-free attitude has gotten me into a lot of trouble, too, but I guess we have to learn to take the good with the bad.
Am I different? Have I changed over the past year and a half? Yes. And I don't think thats a good OR a bad thing. It just is. Now I get to figure out where to go from here.