Fixing the Unfixable?
My head is reeling. I don't even know what to think anymore.
He appologized. Profusely. At one point, he was actually in tears. I was in tears for pretty much the entire hour long encounter, but I don't know if I was sad, happy, angry, or just losing my mind. Probably a combination of all of the above. I don't remember when the last time I actually let him see me cry was. I promised myself that I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me. Crying is what I do when I'm all by myself. Yelling is what I do when I'm trying really hard not to cry. Calm, calculated sarcasm is what I use when I am trying really hard not to yell.
Today I sobbed. Openly. He tried to hug me but I wouldn't let him. He actually sat on our basement floor while I leaned against the wall with my arms crossed in front of me and he actually said, "This is my fault. I am so sorry, Leah, what can I do to fix this?" I just stared at him for a long time, without saying anything, and then I started to cry. I looked him in the face and said that he can't possibly "fix" anything, not unless he could somehow go back eight or ten years and start over. Obviously, he said he couldn't do that. "What I can do, is I can start over right now. Today." Does he expect me to be able to just forget what my life has been like for the past few years?!! I can't do that. I wish I could. "I know you can't, but both of us can move on together, what's done is done and can't be changed, but we still have our entire lives ahead of us to be friends."
How can I be friends with someone who has hurt me so much? I think about our relationship and all I can think about are all the times that I needed a father and he wasn't there for me. I remember every angry word, every insult, every broken plate, every broken promise, every broken heart... everything. I have to live with those memories for the rest of my life! "So do I! I have to live with them, too. I have to live with every time I've hurt someone I care about. I look at you every day and I know that you are hurting, and seeing you in pain hurts me. But what hurts even more is knowing that I'm the one that caused that pain in the first place. No one else."
I chose this moment to be particularly blunt. I calmly (as calmly as possible, considering) summarized a few of my choice memories of my father. I spared no detail and put every drop of my energy into trying to make him feel some of my pain, for once. He wouldn't even look at me durring that entire time, but he didn't interupt, either. Then I stopped, looked at him and said, "Who the hell are you, because no father of mine treats me like that. Do you realize that you used to be my hero?!" He turned back to me (this is when he actually started to cry) and said, "Do you realize that you still are my hero? You are beautiful, caring, strong, determined, intelligent, independent... everything I ever wanted to be! Everything I am so proud of you for!" For lack of anything better to say, I whispered the ever-popular, over-used teen classic, "You don't even know me." He doesn't, and he knows it. "You're right. I don't. Not as well as I should. But I want to, and I will if you let me."
He wants to start over. Or so he says. He claims that he can change, he can be better. Not right away, but a little at a time. He says that he can be there for me, if I only let him in. That idea is so very hard for me to grasp. I have spent more than half my life trying to shut him out in self-preservation, that I have no idea how to handle this at all. (Not that I really have any idea how to handle anything, right now.)
He made me a promise. Am I such a fool for actually wanting to believe him, more than I've ever wanted anything before, ever? While we were talking he ignored two business calls and a personal call from his good friend in Colorado that he never sees. Max came down twice but he made him go back upstairs. Finally, he left me sitting there against the wall to think, saying that he didn't expect anything from me and that he only hoped that one day he and I could look eachother in the eye and actually be friends. "You have every right to be angry with me. More than angry. I know that. Please just try to forgive me, and maybe consider giving an old man a second chance at being a good father. I love you. Don't ever doubt that."
I cannot possibly put into words the emotions that I am feeling at this very moment. I don't even know. I sat at dinner absolutely silent tonight, afraid to breath in case I might make some sort of mistake. Max had the Beatles 1 cd that he mom gave him for Valentine's Day playing while we ate stir fry. Yesterday came on and I lost it completely. I had to get up and leave the table before I started crying again right then and there. As I left the room, Max gives me a strange look and says to no one in particular, "what's the matter with her?"
My dad answered. "Nothing. She just needs the people who love her to tell her so a little more often."
I'm still crying and I feel like such an idiot. I can't help feeling totally lost and helpless. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want. The only thing I do know is that I am so sick of crying.
I wish I had a car. I need to get out of the house and be by myself for a while.
Everything is so confusing. Somebody please help me figure out which way is up.
He appologized. Profusely. At one point, he was actually in tears. I was in tears for pretty much the entire hour long encounter, but I don't know if I was sad, happy, angry, or just losing my mind. Probably a combination of all of the above. I don't remember when the last time I actually let him see me cry was. I promised myself that I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me. Crying is what I do when I'm all by myself. Yelling is what I do when I'm trying really hard not to cry. Calm, calculated sarcasm is what I use when I am trying really hard not to yell.
Today I sobbed. Openly. He tried to hug me but I wouldn't let him. He actually sat on our basement floor while I leaned against the wall with my arms crossed in front of me and he actually said, "This is my fault. I am so sorry, Leah, what can I do to fix this?" I just stared at him for a long time, without saying anything, and then I started to cry. I looked him in the face and said that he can't possibly "fix" anything, not unless he could somehow go back eight or ten years and start over. Obviously, he said he couldn't do that. "What I can do, is I can start over right now. Today." Does he expect me to be able to just forget what my life has been like for the past few years?!! I can't do that. I wish I could. "I know you can't, but both of us can move on together, what's done is done and can't be changed, but we still have our entire lives ahead of us to be friends."
How can I be friends with someone who has hurt me so much? I think about our relationship and all I can think about are all the times that I needed a father and he wasn't there for me. I remember every angry word, every insult, every broken plate, every broken promise, every broken heart... everything. I have to live with those memories for the rest of my life! "So do I! I have to live with them, too. I have to live with every time I've hurt someone I care about. I look at you every day and I know that you are hurting, and seeing you in pain hurts me. But what hurts even more is knowing that I'm the one that caused that pain in the first place. No one else."
I chose this moment to be particularly blunt. I calmly (as calmly as possible, considering) summarized a few of my choice memories of my father. I spared no detail and put every drop of my energy into trying to make him feel some of my pain, for once. He wouldn't even look at me durring that entire time, but he didn't interupt, either. Then I stopped, looked at him and said, "Who the hell are you, because no father of mine treats me like that. Do you realize that you used to be my hero?!" He turned back to me (this is when he actually started to cry) and said, "Do you realize that you still are my hero? You are beautiful, caring, strong, determined, intelligent, independent... everything I ever wanted to be! Everything I am so proud of you for!" For lack of anything better to say, I whispered the ever-popular, over-used teen classic, "You don't even know me." He doesn't, and he knows it. "You're right. I don't. Not as well as I should. But I want to, and I will if you let me."
He wants to start over. Or so he says. He claims that he can change, he can be better. Not right away, but a little at a time. He says that he can be there for me, if I only let him in. That idea is so very hard for me to grasp. I have spent more than half my life trying to shut him out in self-preservation, that I have no idea how to handle this at all. (Not that I really have any idea how to handle anything, right now.)
He made me a promise. Am I such a fool for actually wanting to believe him, more than I've ever wanted anything before, ever? While we were talking he ignored two business calls and a personal call from his good friend in Colorado that he never sees. Max came down twice but he made him go back upstairs. Finally, he left me sitting there against the wall to think, saying that he didn't expect anything from me and that he only hoped that one day he and I could look eachother in the eye and actually be friends. "You have every right to be angry with me. More than angry. I know that. Please just try to forgive me, and maybe consider giving an old man a second chance at being a good father. I love you. Don't ever doubt that."
I cannot possibly put into words the emotions that I am feeling at this very moment. I don't even know. I sat at dinner absolutely silent tonight, afraid to breath in case I might make some sort of mistake. Max had the Beatles 1 cd that he mom gave him for Valentine's Day playing while we ate stir fry. Yesterday came on and I lost it completely. I had to get up and leave the table before I started crying again right then and there. As I left the room, Max gives me a strange look and says to no one in particular, "what's the matter with her?"
My dad answered. "Nothing. She just needs the people who love her to tell her so a little more often."
I'm still crying and I feel like such an idiot. I can't help feeling totally lost and helpless. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want. The only thing I do know is that I am so sick of crying.
I wish I had a car. I need to get out of the house and be by myself for a while.
Everything is so confusing. Somebody please help me figure out which way is up.