Jun 23, 2005 22:59
This is my first time using Live Journal, and I don't even know if anyone is going to read it. I have been feeling very depressed lately. I'm starting to feel like this is the new me and that there's nothing I can do about it. It's not a nice feeling, but I guess it's better than doing something drastic or feeling desperate.
For about the first time in forever, I woke up in time for work today. When I got there I was thinking "Just 8 hours and I'm out of here". But the problem is that after 8 hours, what is there to look forward to? I think I need to find some motivation in my life. When I was in school it was much easier because there was always the cycle of the academic year to keep me motivated. You know-- I'd look forward to the beginning of classes, then in the middle of the semester I'd be anxious for classes to be over. And then it would start over again. But now I don't have that. I just have every day to plod through, and don't know what comes after... after... exactly.
I think the most difficult thing right now, and the most telling sign of my depression is that I don't want to do ANYTHING. Like-- I don't even want to leave my house. Dangle my dreams come true in front of me and I won't budge. That is what's scary. I used to enjoy reading fiction, going out with friends, trying new restaurants, browsing my favorite stores, but now none of that appeals to me.
Nobody notices any difference in me and I think that is disheartening. Am I such a good faker, or do people I think are my friends and family just not care enough to notice? I'm really afraid it's the latter, and of course that feeds my depression even more.
Well, let's hope I can ride this out.