(no subject)
[ Filter: Private; Language: Grandbellian ]
The last time I wrote in here about you, mother, you were alive and I told myself that you would be safe. This is all my fault; you told me I had been too hasty but I believed. I was happy when I found out I had another sibling. I felt guilty because of how I treated her, and you never had a chance to find out. I never had a chance to give you word that I had another sibling to care for. Jade wants to have a proper relationship, I think, and I look forward to getting to know her better. I told myself that I'd be there for you no matter what. I promised you, even when they wouldn't let us see one another, and it was always normal when we had the chance to see one another again. I was grown, but I still listened to you as you read to me.
But I made a mistake and now you're gone. None of my siblings have been injured, but we had to make sure that the bloodline was continued. I can't make a warning, but it seems like it might be best that they leave from there. None of them have written to me, but I suppose it doesn't matter. My own haste to leave Velthomer, to protect it-to protect my mother-took away and involvement I had with my siblings. I will not be surprised if they feel no need to contact me anymore.
The feuds, petty as they were, were all for you and now I have no reason to bother anymore. She heard word that her mother is dying. It should be another day or two before we're back in Lenster. It would be unfortunate if we didn't make it on time, but I think we won't have that problem again.
I keep writing and it all feels so hollow. Word after word, trying to define and understand but I'm stuck in a world without anyone I properly know or care for. None of my family remains, but a few siblings I've been separated from for the sake of a feud. Jade has been there for me, but I can't take her attention away from worrying about her mother. It would be selfish; our mothers are a precious thing in our lives, and they should never be used or forgotten for other things. They should be protected and cared for, and I couldn't keep my word to you. You're the most important person and now you're gone, and it's all my fault. My absence and your end.
[ handwriting is shaky from here ]
It's ... it should be a lot easier than this, but I feel as if time is just moving on for the sake of moving on. This isn't the world any of us were supposed to be born in, and this is a time when siblings should come together and support one another. I have five and it's not the same, it's hollow, it's false, because of selfishness and lies and none of us want this for ourselves.
I can't feel like I can trust any of them ... I don't feel like I know them, but you and I always talked about how it would be different when I ruled Velthomer. I'd have you in the best room and my brothers and I would talk about how to keep it safe. We talked about who was prettier between Isabella and Sheila and ... but they took me away, for that time, and it wasn't the same when we were together again and we knew it but we tried and you won't be coming back after a few years this time, mother, and I don't know if I'll be stronger again in the future.
I should be asleep now. I'm writing more like a madman and you wouldn't like that, would you? It'd be a sign that I've been rendered nothing but a shell of myself, a bit of remains talking to you even after you're gone. Jade would probably laugh at these words and so would Caspian. They're pathetic sounding, and I should stop.
I need to be stronger, even if I don't know how. I wasn't supposed to be some Lord of Velthomer, but I don't think I ever knew what I would be.
And I never thought to ask you. You always believed. I don't even know what you would believe now. A part of me thinks I don't deserve to know, but you wouldn't think that. You wouldn't blame me, but it's a lot easier in a way, not so bad. Not so hard.
I keep going without a stop, no logical point, and it's all because I feel like the moment I stop, I won't be speaking to you anymore. Suppose I should, though. Suppose it's for the best. I'll still have this book tomorrow and the passing belief that maybe you'd listen to this if you were here. Or that you would because you always did.
The last time I wrote in here about you, mother, you were alive and I told myself that you would be safe. This is all my fault; you told me I had been too hasty but I believed. I was happy when I found out I had another sibling. I felt guilty because of how I treated her, and you never had a chance to find out. I never had a chance to give you word that I had another sibling to care for. Jade wants to have a proper relationship, I think, and I look forward to getting to know her better. I told myself that I'd be there for you no matter what. I promised you, even when they wouldn't let us see one another, and it was always normal when we had the chance to see one another again. I was grown, but I still listened to you as you read to me.
But I made a mistake and now you're gone. None of my siblings have been injured, but we had to make sure that the bloodline was continued. I can't make a warning, but it seems like it might be best that they leave from there. None of them have written to me, but I suppose it doesn't matter. My own haste to leave Velthomer, to protect it-to protect my mother-took away and involvement I had with my siblings. I will not be surprised if they feel no need to contact me anymore.
The feuds, petty as they were, were all for you and now I have no reason to bother anymore. She heard word that her mother is dying. It should be another day or two before we're back in Lenster. It would be unfortunate if we didn't make it on time, but I think we won't have that problem again.
I keep writing and it all feels so hollow. Word after word, trying to define and understand but I'm stuck in a world without anyone I properly know or care for. None of my family remains, but a few siblings I've been separated from for the sake of a feud. Jade has been there for me, but I can't take her attention away from worrying about her mother. It would be selfish; our mothers are a precious thing in our lives, and they should never be used or forgotten for other things. They should be protected and cared for, and I couldn't keep my word to you. You're the most important person and now you're gone, and it's all my fault. My absence and your end.
[ handwriting is shaky from here ]
It's ... it should be a lot easier than this, but I feel as if time is just moving on for the sake of moving on. This isn't the world any of us were supposed to be born in, and this is a time when siblings should come together and support one another. I have five and it's not the same, it's hollow, it's false, because of selfishness and lies and none of us want this for ourselves.
I can't feel like I can trust any of them ... I don't feel like I know them, but you and I always talked about how it would be different when I ruled Velthomer. I'd have you in the best room and my brothers and I would talk about how to keep it safe. We talked about who was prettier between Isabella and Sheila and ... but they took me away, for that time, and it wasn't the same when we were together again and we knew it but we tried and you won't be coming back after a few years this time, mother, and I don't know if I'll be stronger again in the future.
I should be asleep now. I'm writing more like a madman and you wouldn't like that, would you? It'd be a sign that I've been rendered nothing but a shell of myself, a bit of remains talking to you even after you're gone. Jade would probably laugh at these words and so would Caspian. They're pathetic sounding, and I should stop.
I need to be stronger, even if I don't know how. I wasn't supposed to be some Lord of Velthomer, but I don't think I ever knew what I would be.
And I never thought to ask you. You always believed. I don't even know what you would believe now. A part of me thinks I don't deserve to know, but you wouldn't think that. You wouldn't blame me, but it's a lot easier in a way, not so bad. Not so hard.
I keep going without a stop, no logical point, and it's all because I feel like the moment I stop, I won't be speaking to you anymore. Suppose I should, though. Suppose it's for the best. I'll still have this book tomorrow and the passing belief that maybe you'd listen to this if you were here. Or that you would because you always did.