Down: yahoo hates hotmailnrdygutyJune 20 2006, 05:16:08 UTC
Body: Seanbaby's Salute to Girl Gaming (EGM 203 P114) Get out of my games and into my car
In the last few years, the biggest riddle of the videogame industry has been: Why don't girls play games? Every magazine and website has done a feature on it, it's the first interview question with any girl gamer, and its the main topic of discussion at the gals-in-gaming conferences. After, of course, mud wrestling and team slow-motion bra-removing. And after all that hard thinking, here are what the experts say are the top reasons that games aren't appealing to women:
1) it's men's fault. 2) some kind of basic behavior pattern, like how girls enjoy shoes or crying or whatever. 3) Ovaries, like those found in women, cause electronic devices to malfunction. 4) Things with buttons are stupid. 5) Mmm...this Yoplait yogurt is new-fireman-calender good!
Most of these arguments about why girls don't play games are pointless. Any idiot can take a stereotype and smash it into a discussion about gaming. I even manage to do it at the end of this sentence; women love shopping and fruitball crap, so they like "Kingdom Hearts". But that's the kind of intellectualism that can be annihilated by two things: reality and the word "duh". And if there's one thing I've learned from the lifetime I've devoted to getting ruined by women, it's that no one understands them. Especially them.
The fundamental problem with women playing games is that it's harder for a girl to become a nerd. Women have an air of social confidence that comes from knowing they control the sex life of every man they ever come into contact with. And they've seen enough men who care more about their Everquest paladin than their abs to know that videogames weaken the existing social framework. And when that's gone, your gender is moot --- your lap becomes just another thing on which to rest your bean dip.
Lady Games for Ladies I guarantee you we'll all be killing each other in the desert with bladed boomerangs over a tank of gas before we figure out how to get girls to like games. The more important issue is: How long before the industry's blatant pandering backfires completely? The following are my picks for the industry's five worst insults to womankind. Go ahead and get excited because no one has tackled gender issues this hard since the guy who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You" jumped on his boyfriend and giggled with him on into the night until the sun rose on their love. I don't want to get off the subject, but that guy knows less about women than I do, and I once gave a girlfriend a gift certificate for Christmas.
Final Fantasy X-2 (PS2) In this game, you get different powers by changing your outfit. This was so indulgent to some dude's idea of what girls want, they might as well have released a game called "Emotional, Shirtless UPS Man II: He Remembered Your Birthday".
Barbie Horse Adventures: Wild Horse Rescue (XB) You get to dress up your pony! Choose the perfect ribbons and saddle blankets while Barbie shouts words of encouragement like, "What a cool-looking horse!" As if I need some plastic slut to tell me how cool my horse looks.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Sweet 16: License to Drive (GC) One question in this game asks the player to identify which color is not one of the four colors shown. If this game were called "Alcohol and Pregnancy: Remedial Kindergarten", that question would still be disrespectful to its audience.
Barbie: The Princess and the Pauper (GBA) In this game you use the power of song and pretty gowns to fight through treacherous woods. And while it may be a realistic representation of a princess' outdoor-survival skills, it's not fun. Barbie might as well fill her pockets with bacon and scream like a horny bear. Her attack button makes her sing, for God's sake! She's going to die!
Trollz Hair Affair (GBA) When they were children, Mary-Kate and Ashley sort of looked like troll dolls. () And now that Mary-Kate have grown up all hot and dress like they want someone to buy them a drink, troll dolls did the same thing. Which might be even creepier.
Get out of my games and into my car
In the last few years, the biggest riddle of the
videogame industry has been: Why don't girls play
games? Every magazine and website has done a feature
on it, it's the first interview question with any girl
gamer, and its the main topic of discussion at the
gals-in-gaming conferences. After, of course, mud
wrestling and team slow-motion bra-removing. And after
all that hard thinking, here are what the experts say
are the top reasons that games aren't appealing to
women:
1) it's men's fault.
2) some kind of basic behavior pattern, like how girls
enjoy shoes or crying or whatever.
3) Ovaries, like those found in women, cause
electronic devices to malfunction.
4) Things with buttons are stupid.
5) Mmm...this Yoplait yogurt is new-fireman-calender
good!
Most of these arguments about why girls don't play
games are pointless. Any idiot can take a stereotype
and smash it into a discussion about gaming. I even
manage to do it at the end of this sentence; women
love shopping and fruitball crap, so they like
"Kingdom Hearts". But that's the kind of
intellectualism that can be annihilated by two things:
reality and the word "duh". And if there's one thing
I've learned from the lifetime I've devoted to getting
ruined by women, it's that no one understands them.
Especially them.
The fundamental problem with women playing games is
that it's harder for a girl to become a nerd. Women
have an air of social confidence that comes from
knowing they control the sex life of every man they
ever come into contact with. And they've seen enough
men who care more about their Everquest paladin than
their abs to know that videogames weaken the existing
social framework. And when that's gone, your gender is
moot --- your lap becomes just another thing on which
to rest your bean dip.
Lady Games for Ladies
I guarantee you we'll all be killing each other in the
desert with bladed boomerangs over a tank of gas
before we figure out how to get girls to like games.
The more important issue is: How long before the
industry's blatant pandering backfires completely? The
following are my picks for the industry's five worst
insults to womankind. Go ahead and get excited because
no one has tackled gender issues this hard since the
guy who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You" jumped on
his boyfriend and giggled with him on into the night
until the sun rose on their love. I don't want to get
off the subject, but that guy knows less about women
than I do, and I once gave a girlfriend a gift
certificate for Christmas.
Final Fantasy X-2 (PS2)
In this game, you get different powers by changing
your outfit. This was so indulgent to some dude's idea
of what girls want, they might as well have released a
game called "Emotional, Shirtless UPS Man II: He
Remembered Your Birthday".
Barbie Horse Adventures: Wild Horse Rescue (XB)
You get to dress up your pony! Choose the perfect
ribbons and saddle blankets while Barbie shouts words
of encouragement like, "What a cool-looking horse!" As
if I need some plastic slut to tell me how cool my
horse looks.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Sweet 16: License to Drive (GC)
One question in this game asks the player to identify
which color is not one of the four colors shown. If
this game were called "Alcohol and Pregnancy: Remedial
Kindergarten", that question would still be
disrespectful to its audience.
Barbie: The Princess and the Pauper (GBA)
In this game you use the power of song and pretty
gowns to fight through treacherous woods. And while it
may be a realistic representation of a princess'
outdoor-survival skills, it's not fun. Barbie might as
well fill her pockets with bacon and scream like a
horny bear. Her attack button makes her sing, for
God's sake! She's going to die!
Trollz Hair Affair (GBA)
When they were children, Mary-Kate and Ashley sort of
looked like troll dolls. () And now that Mary-Kate
have grown up all hot and dress like they want someone
to buy them a drink, troll dolls did the same thing.
Which might be even creepier.
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