Self-loathing with a side order of guilt, please.

[leftoverfeeling]

I've found that it becomes more and more difficult to fake a smile and play happy as you become increasingly sad. As your heart dies, crumples up, turns black, ceases to beat, your face has a very difficult time not following suit. But to keep things from becoming overly dramatic, you must keep up a happy facade less you risk ruining all that you've worked for. To build a relationship with another person is a rough thing to do. To be completely honest, is painful. To be judged is worse. You work so hard to be so open and try so hard to be what you are and nothing less... that when you inevitably fail, it is downright harsh. You are left with nothing but hatred, not for the other person, but for yourself. How could I ruin this? How could I say the terrible things that I say? How could I deny myself? Of course it's fine, yeah, I'm really okay. No it doesn't hurt at all... it's just my heart ripping itself into tiny little pieces and then smoldering until nothing is left but a black bitter ash. It's fine. Really. I don't fault you, that's certain. I fault myself entirely, I over-complicate everything. And as a result I ruin things. It's hard not to complicate this though. You don't want me to go... but you need to leave. You care about me so deeply, but you shouldn't tell me... I'm left with a bitter-sweet concoction of feelings. The best I've ever felt to genuinely not want me to be out of their life... But terrible to be condemned to the life of a secret. Something that must fade from existence and play a separate role as a separate person. I cannot be myself if things are to work out. I must be just this other thing. I don't post this to make you feel bad. I post it to be able to read it and see how stupid I've been. To see how badly I've treated you. To really understand why it is that I'm not worthy of you. People are right. You're wasting time with me. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth the tears, or the feelings, or even the electric charge expended to think of me. I'm not a good person. This is evident in the fact that I know it and yet I still want to be in your life. A good person would recognize that they are bad and would try to ward you off. So that they couldn't ever have a chance to hurt you. I've never thought much of the way fate works, I've always let it be, and been alright with it. And I still don't, but I think I'm starting to realize my fate. Every person that I care about will eventually stop caring about me, or things will become too complicated and I will destroy the relationship by mistake. My fate is not to be a good father, much as I'd like it to be... My fate is to be the punchline or the worst joke the universe has ever made. I've also never really been religious. But I think that I may be finding faith. I can't honestly believe that such a life could befall somebody by continuing chance. At some point that person would have to see a spot of luck just by pure odds of inevitability. There must be a power that holds back the good things, or better yet, taunts me with them. Good things like you. You have been put in front of me and will be forever out of reach. I'll have to come to terms with that. But it does seem far harsher than chance could have allowed. I am happy to be your friend as it will keep you in my life. I will however always regret that things hadn't been different. To ask me not to think about what may have been is truly unfair. I cannot help my thought process. I've been doomed to see it. I am happy for you that you're happy. But forgive me for not being happy for myself. I just don't have that in me. "I never loved nobody fully, Always one foot on the ground, And by protecting my heart truly, I got lost in the sounds." I don't know how I'm going to comply with your wishes, I don't know how we're going to avoid having these conversations. I really don't think I can let this fade from my life without allowing for some sort of life-altering impact. I have no idea what I'm going to do to make this, at least seem, okay. I don't know... I do know that I'll have to figure out a way to cope. I don't think you want to ever end up with me. I have to think that you don't. If I let myself believe that we stand a chance as 'we', I think I'll never be able to let that possibility go. I'll obviously have to do a lot of thought. And I'm sorry to say, I think we'll need a few more long serious conversations before things are fully squared off. "Suppose I never ever met you, Suppose we never fell in love, Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft, Suppose I never ever saw you, Suppose you never ever called, Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall." Obviously we've never kissed. But I do wonder what things would be like if we'd never met. Would I have longed for you all my life? Not that that's really much different that what I've got going now... I wonder, if we'd passed each other in the super-market without ever having arranged to meet, would we have known? Would you have felt anything for me? I think I would have felt something, but that I'd probably have been too shy to ever act on it. I'm very glad we did meet, so that I can have feeling for you, ill-fated though they may be. I'm so sorry. By now you probably feel at least a little bit bad. And for that, I'm very sorry, it was never my intention. I did want you to read this, but only to know what I'm thinking so that you might have an idea of why I am the way I am about all of this. You asked what my stream of though is like... Well... here it is, in all it's glory. If you quit reading about mid-way through, you made it further than I honestly figured you would. And I can't blame you. I'm sorry for everything. For every shed tear, and every late night, all the times you've felt tired lately, all the times you've felt awkward, all the times I've asked you to explain yourself when you didn't want to... all of it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This is the fastest I've ever written anything. And I did it like that so that you might see what I'm thinking without me having had time to alter, adjust, or rethink any of it. I'm sorry.

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Lyrics used are credited to Regina Spektor - Fidelity