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So this morning I woke up at the crack of noon and got ready for my battle with Lloyd Schumner Sr, Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer. I packed my Lotte Black Black Gum, a baseball bat, and some anthrax in case things got messy, then hopped in my dad’s car and drove to Onion headquarters. On the way, I noticed some mist was spreading over the nearby college, and I kept my guard out in case any ghouls jumped out of it.
Hours later, I was parked in front of Onion HQ. The huge green building loomed over me like some big looming building that I was parked in front of, and I knew right away that reasoning with the security guards would be useless. Anyone with eyeballs could see that they were superintelligent slugs from the planet Oolon, and incapable of human compassion. Lucky for me, creatures from planet Oolon, however intelligent, are always naïve and gullible. Within minutes I’d convinced them that I was Herbert Kornfeld, come to pickup my paycheck, and they let me past without a scene.
Inside it was havoc. Emus running wild, members of Bush’s cabinet firing guns from helicopters, and dozens of hard working journalists running back and forth in a chaotic morass that was like an unpleasant situation which involved shouting and falling down a lot. I tried not to let it distract me as I sought out my prey. I won’t bore you with the details involved in navigating the maze of Onion offices, but let’s just say that I battled King Kong, ran from a gaggle of ninjas, and was nearly found out by a sentient bowl of pudding. Eventually I reached a door that had “Horoscopes” emblazoned in shimmering letters on the front. I already knew that Lloyd was a hard-core psychic, so I was prepared when I opened the door and saw him, cross-legged, hovering inches over his desk like a bad simile.
“I’ve been expecting you, Sarah.” he intoned, his voice surprisingly deep and velvety. “Or should I call you Lefto? You’ve going to put this in your livejournal later, after all.”
“If you think that’s supposed to intimidate me, you’re way off.” I said. “A psychic head of cabbage could predict that much. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and- OH MY GOD, WHAT’S THAT BEHIND YOU?!”
It’s impossible to catch a psychic off guard, of course, but shouting “oh my god, what’s that behind you” gave me that extra burst of courage and vigor I needed to make my first lunge with the bat. Lloyd quickly uncrossed his legs and ducked beneath the desk. When he came out he was fully armed, with two Ak-47’s and a bandoleer of bullets. I suppose I should have expected him to be prepared, because I spent the next half-hour using up my skills in acrobatics while he used up his ammo. When he ran out, however, the poor shmuck was helpless. Though most of his office walls had been blasted through, Lloyd no longer possessed the coordination or flexibility to go through any of the awkwardly formed holes he had blasted. Soon he was at the mercy of me and my Louisville Slugger.
“Not so tough now, are you Lloyd?” I taunted, “You didn’t count on me having taken a year of gymnastics when I was little.”
“All right, all right.” He said, holding his hands in the air. His voice sounded like a little girl’s. And he was crying. And wetting himself. “I admit it. I’ve volunteered my services to the Episcopalians. I told them that when they rose the Regan Zombie that I’d help control it with my spooky mind powers. I had to, Lefto. Those Episcopalians are tough as shit.”
Looking down at him, I understood everything. If a teenaged girl could beat him up, there’s no way he could stand up to those powerful mofos I saw the other day. I realized that if I forced him to withdraw his offer, I’d be killing him, and my heart suddenly filled with remorse.
“All right then, Schumner, you can keep your deal with them. But I don’t want to see you making good on it. If they ever reanimate Regan, I want you to call me, understand? I’ll take care of everything.”
He nodded, and I saw a sparkle in his eye. He thought he was getting off easy, but I wasn’t finished yet.
“Furthermore,” I said, “from now on you must vow to only use your powers for awesome, and never for bad.”
His face fell. “Never?” he asked.
“Never.” I replied. “That’s the deal.”
It was with much reluctance that he agreed, and he bid me on my way.
On the way home, I noticed the mist had dissipated, and was content to let the matter of the Episcopalians lie, for the time being.
Hours later, I was parked in front of Onion HQ. The huge green building loomed over me like some big looming building that I was parked in front of, and I knew right away that reasoning with the security guards would be useless. Anyone with eyeballs could see that they were superintelligent slugs from the planet Oolon, and incapable of human compassion. Lucky for me, creatures from planet Oolon, however intelligent, are always naïve and gullible. Within minutes I’d convinced them that I was Herbert Kornfeld, come to pickup my paycheck, and they let me past without a scene.
Inside it was havoc. Emus running wild, members of Bush’s cabinet firing guns from helicopters, and dozens of hard working journalists running back and forth in a chaotic morass that was like an unpleasant situation which involved shouting and falling down a lot. I tried not to let it distract me as I sought out my prey. I won’t bore you with the details involved in navigating the maze of Onion offices, but let’s just say that I battled King Kong, ran from a gaggle of ninjas, and was nearly found out by a sentient bowl of pudding. Eventually I reached a door that had “Horoscopes” emblazoned in shimmering letters on the front. I already knew that Lloyd was a hard-core psychic, so I was prepared when I opened the door and saw him, cross-legged, hovering inches over his desk like a bad simile.
“I’ve been expecting you, Sarah.” he intoned, his voice surprisingly deep and velvety. “Or should I call you Lefto? You’ve going to put this in your livejournal later, after all.”
“If you think that’s supposed to intimidate me, you’re way off.” I said. “A psychic head of cabbage could predict that much. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and- OH MY GOD, WHAT’S THAT BEHIND YOU?!”
It’s impossible to catch a psychic off guard, of course, but shouting “oh my god, what’s that behind you” gave me that extra burst of courage and vigor I needed to make my first lunge with the bat. Lloyd quickly uncrossed his legs and ducked beneath the desk. When he came out he was fully armed, with two Ak-47’s and a bandoleer of bullets. I suppose I should have expected him to be prepared, because I spent the next half-hour using up my skills in acrobatics while he used up his ammo. When he ran out, however, the poor shmuck was helpless. Though most of his office walls had been blasted through, Lloyd no longer possessed the coordination or flexibility to go through any of the awkwardly formed holes he had blasted. Soon he was at the mercy of me and my Louisville Slugger.
“Not so tough now, are you Lloyd?” I taunted, “You didn’t count on me having taken a year of gymnastics when I was little.”
“All right, all right.” He said, holding his hands in the air. His voice sounded like a little girl’s. And he was crying. And wetting himself. “I admit it. I’ve volunteered my services to the Episcopalians. I told them that when they rose the Regan Zombie that I’d help control it with my spooky mind powers. I had to, Lefto. Those Episcopalians are tough as shit.”
Looking down at him, I understood everything. If a teenaged girl could beat him up, there’s no way he could stand up to those powerful mofos I saw the other day. I realized that if I forced him to withdraw his offer, I’d be killing him, and my heart suddenly filled with remorse.
“All right then, Schumner, you can keep your deal with them. But I don’t want to see you making good on it. If they ever reanimate Regan, I want you to call me, understand? I’ll take care of everything.”
He nodded, and I saw a sparkle in his eye. He thought he was getting off easy, but I wasn’t finished yet.
“Furthermore,” I said, “from now on you must vow to only use your powers for awesome, and never for bad.”
His face fell. “Never?” he asked.
“Never.” I replied. “That’s the deal.”
It was with much reluctance that he agreed, and he bid me on my way.
On the way home, I noticed the mist had dissipated, and was content to let the matter of the Episcopalians lie, for the time being.