you are the reason why i go so far, and try so hard.
I'm trying not to hold everything in because it's already building up and I've already snapped on my real life friends, came close to snapping at my mom and being on the verge of tears at school at least five times in one day. (I cry very rarely. Never at school.)
I've just got a lot going on. I feel scattered and worn thin. I'm trying to give every aspect of my life 100% or at least above average attention and I'm realizing it's impossible without me giving up sleep. Not that I sleep enough as it is. That's a big thing. I'm always tired. I do stay up later than I should but even when I make the effort to go to sleep early, I can't sleep through the night. I seem to doze, hardly ever falling into a deep, refreshing sleep. And then I'll wake up at 12, 3, 5, sometimes all in the same night. I have to get up at about 6:00AM and sometimes it feels like I haven't slept at all. Like I haven't left consciousness. I used to tell myself stories to help me fall asleep. Now I can't stop my mind from continuing these stories. It's not like dreaming. It's like stumbling through your mind in the dark and the scenery changes every night. The only time I can really sleep is on the weekends and when I get so exhausted that I nap after school. However, these naps lead to another problem.
I feel like I'm losing control of school. Something that terrifies me to death. I have always been smart, school work has always come easy to me so it's a big deal when I have to work to understand something or do well in a class. And when I try, and fail, I feel worthless. I know I could study more but it feels futile. How could anything be absorbed into my exhausted brain? I desperately want to give up. To not care, like so many of my fellow seniors are but if I did that I would disappoint my mom. Something that influences me more than any peer pressure ever could. I want to be perfect for my mom, the perfect kid who gets amazing grades and does everything she asks exactly when she asks but I can't. I'm lazy and sickening procrastinator. But I still try. The main thing school wise that is killing me with stress are my AP tests. I'm taking four: Comparitive Politics, Calculus AB, English Lit and Microeconomics. I know these tests are extremely important. They could possibly result in me saving a large sum of money on these classes in college but I don't know how I stand on any of them. If I'm truthful, Comparitive and Lit are the least of my worries. I thought I was doing well in Econ until we took our last test and I got a 79. And Calculus. I have always understood math and it's always been easy for me. Calculus has defeated me. As stupid as that sounds, it's true. I feel like a brain dead moron when I look at the problems on the practice tests. I can do a majority of the material in class when my teacher is talking through it but I can't retain anything in my mind on my own. I get everything confused and make mistakes that a child would laugh at. I'm so terrified of opening that test booklet and not remembering a single thing. It's irrational but it's a crippling fear.
I'm crying now, but that's besides the point.
Back to my mom. Besides all of the subconscious pressure she puts on me, she has also allotted all of the domestic activities in the house because it is just the two of us. I do the laundry and cleaning. I do the grocery shopping and prepare dinner. I fetch the mail, take out the trash and change the cat's litter. Normally, I don't mind doing this. I don't mind doing chores for myself, I don't really mind doing it for my mom, but what does really bother me is when I ask if my mom can do something that I normally do, I am always met with an excuse as to why she is tired or not feeling well. I hardly ever say anything, because I do know how hard my mom works and how many health problems she has but it's not like I'm asking her to do a lot. At most, to run a load of laundry, or make dinner one night. But she balks when I ask. Does it not matter that I'm sore every single day from PE? Does it not matter that my brain and body are running on empty? That I feel like I'm carrying the wait of the world on my shoulders? That I don't even have time to worry about college because I'm so stressed out by my current school work? Apparently not. I can't bring myself to say anything directly. I'm so grateful for everything my mom has ever given me, taught me, or done for me but I'm having a hard time and I need her help. Once again, I feel as if I admit this it's a failure on my part.
Well.
My mom just walked in while I was crying and I told her about the Calculus and the burden I feel like she's putting on me and she was understanding. She said she would help me. I need this trip to DC, I think. I need to get away and clear my head. Focus on something that is real and actually important instead of these arbitrary numbers on a page that are drowning me.
Now I have to go and do homework. Surprise.
I've just got a lot going on. I feel scattered and worn thin. I'm trying to give every aspect of my life 100% or at least above average attention and I'm realizing it's impossible without me giving up sleep. Not that I sleep enough as it is. That's a big thing. I'm always tired. I do stay up later than I should but even when I make the effort to go to sleep early, I can't sleep through the night. I seem to doze, hardly ever falling into a deep, refreshing sleep. And then I'll wake up at 12, 3, 5, sometimes all in the same night. I have to get up at about 6:00AM and sometimes it feels like I haven't slept at all. Like I haven't left consciousness. I used to tell myself stories to help me fall asleep. Now I can't stop my mind from continuing these stories. It's not like dreaming. It's like stumbling through your mind in the dark and the scenery changes every night. The only time I can really sleep is on the weekends and when I get so exhausted that I nap after school. However, these naps lead to another problem.
I feel like I'm losing control of school. Something that terrifies me to death. I have always been smart, school work has always come easy to me so it's a big deal when I have to work to understand something or do well in a class. And when I try, and fail, I feel worthless. I know I could study more but it feels futile. How could anything be absorbed into my exhausted brain? I desperately want to give up. To not care, like so many of my fellow seniors are but if I did that I would disappoint my mom. Something that influences me more than any peer pressure ever could. I want to be perfect for my mom, the perfect kid who gets amazing grades and does everything she asks exactly when she asks but I can't. I'm lazy and sickening procrastinator. But I still try. The main thing school wise that is killing me with stress are my AP tests. I'm taking four: Comparitive Politics, Calculus AB, English Lit and Microeconomics. I know these tests are extremely important. They could possibly result in me saving a large sum of money on these classes in college but I don't know how I stand on any of them. If I'm truthful, Comparitive and Lit are the least of my worries. I thought I was doing well in Econ until we took our last test and I got a 79. And Calculus. I have always understood math and it's always been easy for me. Calculus has defeated me. As stupid as that sounds, it's true. I feel like a brain dead moron when I look at the problems on the practice tests. I can do a majority of the material in class when my teacher is talking through it but I can't retain anything in my mind on my own. I get everything confused and make mistakes that a child would laugh at. I'm so terrified of opening that test booklet and not remembering a single thing. It's irrational but it's a crippling fear.
I'm crying now, but that's besides the point.
Back to my mom. Besides all of the subconscious pressure she puts on me, she has also allotted all of the domestic activities in the house because it is just the two of us. I do the laundry and cleaning. I do the grocery shopping and prepare dinner. I fetch the mail, take out the trash and change the cat's litter. Normally, I don't mind doing this. I don't mind doing chores for myself, I don't really mind doing it for my mom, but what does really bother me is when I ask if my mom can do something that I normally do, I am always met with an excuse as to why she is tired or not feeling well. I hardly ever say anything, because I do know how hard my mom works and how many health problems she has but it's not like I'm asking her to do a lot. At most, to run a load of laundry, or make dinner one night. But she balks when I ask. Does it not matter that I'm sore every single day from PE? Does it not matter that my brain and body are running on empty? That I feel like I'm carrying the wait of the world on my shoulders? That I don't even have time to worry about college because I'm so stressed out by my current school work? Apparently not. I can't bring myself to say anything directly. I'm so grateful for everything my mom has ever given me, taught me, or done for me but I'm having a hard time and I need her help. Once again, I feel as if I admit this it's a failure on my part.
Well.
My mom just walked in while I was crying and I told her about the Calculus and the burden I feel like she's putting on me and she was understanding. She said she would help me. I need this trip to DC, I think. I need to get away and clear my head. Focus on something that is real and actually important instead of these arbitrary numbers on a page that are drowning me.
Now I have to go and do homework. Surprise.