(no subject)
figure I should do a bigger update now that the balls been and gone...
ball was good. I looked awesome as did paul...
I can't really explain how I'm feeling about paul. I mean yes we have petty little disagreements over EVERYTHING but... well we've always been like that. but it's like theres another level thats always been there I've just been too scared to relax in it. and I'm starting to...
He's so unbelievably understanding. that in itself has taught me how...brave he is. he has stuck by me through everything...even now I'm still a mess, I'm still struggling and he's still...here. doing his damndest to help me. and he loves me. and its like "what the fuck" because it's so unbelievable .. why did I fight this for so long? what is this retarded part of my brain that goes "no, chase for the bad things even though the good things are staring you in the face" even more so, what did I do to deserve this? I mean yeah, I always have had this problem with the "why does all the shit happen to me? i dont deserve it" well I don't deserve the good, either. how come no one else has seen him for who he is and stolen him away before I woke up?
He's so funny and witty and caring and loving. if he was dumb, he'd be perfect, yet the only people who were interested enough to try were, in my opinion, evil/retarded. so why?
and I half can't believe my luck and super happy and so proud and just stupified and im half ... guilt ridden and full of self loathing.
because I don't trust myself and I keep expecting me to turn around and freak out and I keep questioning every little thing like "I've been home for a day, why arent I miserable without him?" or "it's all very well and good but our troubles will outlast our bliss and we will fall apart horribly" and all this sort of BOLLOCKS...
raargh this post was supposed to be happy.
I am. really am. im happy im comfortable I miss him im contented and im all sorts of all over the place... its great.
anyway yeah im done...
ball was good. I looked awesome as did paul...
I can't really explain how I'm feeling about paul. I mean yes we have petty little disagreements over EVERYTHING but... well we've always been like that. but it's like theres another level thats always been there I've just been too scared to relax in it. and I'm starting to...
He's so unbelievably understanding. that in itself has taught me how...brave he is. he has stuck by me through everything...even now I'm still a mess, I'm still struggling and he's still...here. doing his damndest to help me. and he loves me. and its like "what the fuck" because it's so unbelievable .. why did I fight this for so long? what is this retarded part of my brain that goes "no, chase for the bad things even though the good things are staring you in the face" even more so, what did I do to deserve this? I mean yeah, I always have had this problem with the "why does all the shit happen to me? i dont deserve it" well I don't deserve the good, either. how come no one else has seen him for who he is and stolen him away before I woke up?
He's so funny and witty and caring and loving. if he was dumb, he'd be perfect, yet the only people who were interested enough to try were, in my opinion, evil/retarded. so why?
and I half can't believe my luck and super happy and so proud and just stupified and im half ... guilt ridden and full of self loathing.
because I don't trust myself and I keep expecting me to turn around and freak out and I keep questioning every little thing like "I've been home for a day, why arent I miserable without him?" or "it's all very well and good but our troubles will outlast our bliss and we will fall apart horribly" and all this sort of BOLLOCKS...
raargh this post was supposed to be happy.
I am. really am. im happy im comfortable I miss him im contented and im all sorts of all over the place... its great.
anyway yeah im done...