All By Myself...
For the first time in over 20 years, I am completely alone.
It's terrifying, really. I'm not sure how to be. For so long, I was censored, decisions were made for me, and now...so much autonomy. I don't know where to begin.
I moved out and ran away to the desert. Not ran away like so many times in my youth, this time it was a necessary flee, not for avoidance. This time it was for mental stability and safety.
She tried to keep me, even after I called it quits. Convinced me I owed her to give it another shot. And, because she is so very good at manipulating me, I thought I did. So I stayed. But, not surprisingly, it was short lived and I had to go through the whole process of ending things two more times. The last time however was the worst experience I never saw coming.
So after a very long, tumultuous evening, the police took her away and I had to get the fuck out. I had never in all our time together thought we would meet our end in violence. But here I was, and here I still am, nursing a swollen jaw and finding new bruises everyday. How the fuck could I be so wrong about someone? And for so long?
The older and wiser me should learn from these mistakes. And truly, I think I will. I live life so full of confidence and am rarely shaken, so now I don't know what to do with this...fear. It's foreign and uncomfortable, and I just want to get it off of me. And eventually I will. But Jesus, I would scrub it off with a loofah until my skin bleeds to make it go away.
I can't live like this. And I won't. Because right now, even though I've escaped, she's still in control through this fear. So fuck that.