Idiot Days
I think one of the marks of a good teacher is that you kind of, sort of, hate them a little bit when they ask you questions that you don't know, but that your hate is just as much at yourself for not knowing it.
My anaesthesiology preceptor is like that. He's a great guy, not mean, not vindictive, not sarcastic, but he doesn't let up with the questions. And when I don't know the answer, I can feel this rising in my chest, but it's not quite anger. It's more frustration, but tempered with an irritation that I don't know and that I want to.
Maybe I just haven't felt this in a while, not since the neurology rotations I did during my electives periods. But damned if I'm just not spending my days feeling motivated. It's been a long time since I've felt this.
Today I must have been showing my frustration a bit more, because my preceptor kept throwing out the fact that he didn't figure this stuff out until well into his anaesthesia rotation or even later. That made me feel a little less stupid, and it isn't as though I'm getting everything wrong.
But I said something odd today and I'm not altogether sure where it came from. I thanked him for walking me through a talk on cerebral blood flow, even though it had been frustrating and exhausting, and then I said "I need to figure this out if I'm going to be the best neurologist the world has ever seen."
Hyperbole much?
But still, maybe I have to start thinking that's possible. I have the neurology residency. I'm going to be a neurologist. Funny how what was a throwaway end-of-the-year rotation is making me realize just how Type-A I can be.
My anaesthesiology preceptor is like that. He's a great guy, not mean, not vindictive, not sarcastic, but he doesn't let up with the questions. And when I don't know the answer, I can feel this rising in my chest, but it's not quite anger. It's more frustration, but tempered with an irritation that I don't know and that I want to.
Maybe I just haven't felt this in a while, not since the neurology rotations I did during my electives periods. But damned if I'm just not spending my days feeling motivated. It's been a long time since I've felt this.
Today I must have been showing my frustration a bit more, because my preceptor kept throwing out the fact that he didn't figure this stuff out until well into his anaesthesia rotation or even later. That made me feel a little less stupid, and it isn't as though I'm getting everything wrong.
But I said something odd today and I'm not altogether sure where it came from. I thanked him for walking me through a talk on cerebral blood flow, even though it had been frustrating and exhausting, and then I said "I need to figure this out if I'm going to be the best neurologist the world has ever seen."
Hyperbole much?
But still, maybe I have to start thinking that's possible. I have the neurology residency. I'm going to be a neurologist. Funny how what was a throwaway end-of-the-year rotation is making me realize just how Type-A I can be.