Different paths?
What's worse than watching other people get hurt? When you're the one who is hurting them. I might not mean it, I might not want it, I might have the best of intentions, but the end result is still the same. And there's nothing I can do about it, because nothing I do can fix it, because I am the problem, not what I do.
It's frustrating.
Maybe it's how I set standards for myself, and I expect everyone else to do the same. My views on things are fixed, and I can't see things from the other side. My problem is that I hate people controlling me, or telling me what to do, and having excuses for that when I get annoyed. "It's how I care." "I was concerned." "I have your intentions at heart." Yes, I know that. Yes, yes and yes I know you care. But this is not how I want Ed to care. This is not the way I want people to show that they care about me. Why do I have to accept it when I really cannot stand it? Why do I have to bear with it when it's driving me crazy? Being pushy and persistent might be good, this is how some people burrow their way to the front. But there has to be a limit, they have to know when to stop. Nobody can force their feelings onto others, and pressurize other people into liking them when the feeling simply isn't there. Yes I know he's upset. Yes I know he's jealous. But everybody has these feelings. It's how you control them and not let them overtake who you are. One sorry was more than enough, twice was horrible and I have already forgiven him three times. When he assumes wrong things about me and gets angry at me for them, it's not cool. Especially when he has no right to be angry at me regardless or not whether those things he thought were true. I am like this. I don't come sugar coated. I refuse to stand there and let him poke his pins into me like I'm some pincushion. The more he provokes me expecting me to back down, the more I enjoy pissing him off by doing those things that I know he doesn't like.
I have already said this many many many times. I can't stand betrayal. I cannot stand it when people fling hurtful words so easily and using "Sorry, I didn't mean it" as an excuse later. Like it can be wiped off. Like it's a trivial thing. For me, there is no going back. I forgive but I don't ever forget.
All this drama is taking a toll on my studies. I can't study. I can't do my homework. It's not a laughable thing. Because I care, I am not blowing him off like a stranger. And because I am not giving him the cold shoulder, he keeps coming back.
My friends are rolling their eyes each time I mention his name. He has issues. He's crazy. He's desperate. He's fucking pushy.
I am beginning to think that maybe it's time I stepped away since he doesn't appreciate the friendship.
It's frustrating.
Maybe it's how I set standards for myself, and I expect everyone else to do the same. My views on things are fixed, and I can't see things from the other side. My problem is that I hate people controlling me, or telling me what to do, and having excuses for that when I get annoyed. "It's how I care." "I was concerned." "I have your intentions at heart." Yes, I know that. Yes, yes and yes I know you care. But this is not how I want Ed to care. This is not the way I want people to show that they care about me. Why do I have to accept it when I really cannot stand it? Why do I have to bear with it when it's driving me crazy? Being pushy and persistent might be good, this is how some people burrow their way to the front. But there has to be a limit, they have to know when to stop. Nobody can force their feelings onto others, and pressurize other people into liking them when the feeling simply isn't there. Yes I know he's upset. Yes I know he's jealous. But everybody has these feelings. It's how you control them and not let them overtake who you are. One sorry was more than enough, twice was horrible and I have already forgiven him three times. When he assumes wrong things about me and gets angry at me for them, it's not cool. Especially when he has no right to be angry at me regardless or not whether those things he thought were true. I am like this. I don't come sugar coated. I refuse to stand there and let him poke his pins into me like I'm some pincushion. The more he provokes me expecting me to back down, the more I enjoy pissing him off by doing those things that I know he doesn't like.
I have already said this many many many times. I can't stand betrayal. I cannot stand it when people fling hurtful words so easily and using "Sorry, I didn't mean it" as an excuse later. Like it can be wiped off. Like it's a trivial thing. For me, there is no going back. I forgive but I don't ever forget.
All this drama is taking a toll on my studies. I can't study. I can't do my homework. It's not a laughable thing. Because I care, I am not blowing him off like a stranger. And because I am not giving him the cold shoulder, he keeps coming back.
My friends are rolling their eyes each time I mention his name. He has issues. He's crazy. He's desperate. He's fucking pushy.
I am beginning to think that maybe it's time I stepped away since he doesn't appreciate the friendship.