Hmmm...
I've decided that I don't know what I want anymore. I really don't. I feel like I still would love to be with Matt. But at the same time, I don't know that I could ever be with him again knowing that he ran to Lisa in an attempt to replace me. I don't know that I could ever forgive that. I also think that I would have a really hard time dealing with the fact that he is the father of her child. I just don't know. I have a really big feeling that if I told him what I am feeling right now that he would come back to me...because I know that in all actuality, he still does love me, but can I really love him like I did? Can I let myself be the other woman? Could I really break up the family that he has (unwillingly) started with Lisa? That is the problem. Even if he and I were to get together, I would always know that he still had a family that connected him to Lisa. God I hate that I still can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop wondering. The "what ifs" are killing me. She was my replacement and because of that (his need to replace me) I know that he still loves me...but he will always be connected to her and there is nothing I can do about that.