my loud heartbeat.
A sexless but still interesting entry:
Last night Art called me and said "I am just calling to tell you that I will contact you sometime in the future"
I said "Thank you for calling me and letting me know"
We said our goodbyes (sans "i love you's, as it was clearly inappropriate)
I think I am in the middle of being broken up with. It's been a long long time since I fell in love with someone until I met Art. It fucked me up to feel the intensity of loving him. I fought it. Finally, I gave in and loved him.
It has been even longer since I have been broken up with. I'm usually the break-ee, if you know what I mean.
Jeremy, Justin, Jahmaal, Ramon, and a bunch of first and second dates that aren't worth listing...
And now I'm feeling the space between words 'cause I'm a little broken at the prospect, and feeling the reality.
I was distant and bitchy and it kicked me in the ass (and blamed, reasonably enough, on the cancer & treatment), and now he's contemplating breaking up with me. Funny, in an ironic way, because I desperately wanted to break up with him ("...but who breaks up with someone because they love them too much?") because I knew what I wanted with him but knew it would never be and came to a kind of pause where I wondered if the present outweighs the future. I told him I had done a cost-benefit analysis, assuring him that the good still outweighed the bad, but that it hurt me to love him sometimes.
I told him all these things because I loved him, completely and totally, I trusted him, and I trusted that he loved me. So simple, but so fogging. My honesty showed my claws: manipulation, rejection, casual ability to hurt.
And all I can think is... "but I never sent his Christmas presents! I still have presents. If he breaks up with me, I'm sending them, anyway. I won't change the card, but just send it all, with an explanation: I wanted you to have these as they were meant to be sent"
My heart is beating very fast, but only partially because of the boy.
I am waiting for my cell to ring and the radiologist will tell me to come on down to the hospital, the very hospital (Alta Bates) that I was born in 26 years ago, and to ingest radioactive iodine (RAI). I will be in quarantine with no physical contact, no pets, My saliva, sweat, piss and shit will be radioactive. I'll probably keep a mini-journal about how I feel in my hypothyroid radioactive state. The doctor assures me that I'll likely be "just naseaous, but will need to suck on candy to keep my saliva moving and not let the radioactive suds cause damage to my gums.
I think I'll do something mindless for a little while. And try to calm down.