to begin again...from the begining
Oh years end! Introspection is in the air. Anderson Cooper once said that people, he believed, are ultimately optimistic by nature. He cited how we all watch the ball drop and how we all make plans to make next year better than the last. I agree. I feel like I've been dragged through the mud lately but I think we all survive and come out of it for a reason.
This has been an odd year for me. I'm in New York now and I'm a full-blown, bonafide adult, FINALLY, here at 23. Paying rent, paying bills, wandering around a city alone all of the time. Sleeping with strangers and waking up in god-knows-where-four-train-connections-from-my-apartment. Things have changed. I'm loosened my liberal grips around the homeless. I kind of hate the homeless now. I masturbate less. I get sick more.
Around this time of year, I always think of that scene in Waking Life where the two women are sitting and drinking coffee and talking, i just rewatched it and copied the dialogue cos its spoken to me since I've seen it:
"its such a strange paradox. i mean, while technically i'm closer to the end of my life than i've ever been and i actually feel more than ever that i have all the time in the world. when i was younger, there was a desperation, a desire for certainty like there was an end to the path and i had to get there...some day, like in my mid-thirties, maybe, everything is going to somehow just gel and settle ---just end. it was like there was this plateau and it was waiting for me. and i was climbing up it. and when i got to the top, all the growth and change would stop, even exhiliration."
I forget my age constantly. I hate feeling competitive with other people because I know I essentially don't care. And I'm tired of exhausting my thoughts with ideas that I'm not good enough to do something or be someone I want to be. I'm also tired of being lonely.
I don't know what will be next year. Fear and laziness are the worst ever and I feel like both pervade my life all the time, at every juncture. All I can say is I don't know where I'm going with this, in all certainty, and here's hoping for something more. Hoping for more energy and action, at least. Or at least energies redirected.
This has been an odd year for me. I'm in New York now and I'm a full-blown, bonafide adult, FINALLY, here at 23. Paying rent, paying bills, wandering around a city alone all of the time. Sleeping with strangers and waking up in god-knows-where-four-train-connections-from-my-apartment. Things have changed. I'm loosened my liberal grips around the homeless. I kind of hate the homeless now. I masturbate less. I get sick more.
Around this time of year, I always think of that scene in Waking Life where the two women are sitting and drinking coffee and talking, i just rewatched it and copied the dialogue cos its spoken to me since I've seen it:
"its such a strange paradox. i mean, while technically i'm closer to the end of my life than i've ever been and i actually feel more than ever that i have all the time in the world. when i was younger, there was a desperation, a desire for certainty like there was an end to the path and i had to get there...some day, like in my mid-thirties, maybe, everything is going to somehow just gel and settle ---just end. it was like there was this plateau and it was waiting for me. and i was climbing up it. and when i got to the top, all the growth and change would stop, even exhiliration."
I forget my age constantly. I hate feeling competitive with other people because I know I essentially don't care. And I'm tired of exhausting my thoughts with ideas that I'm not good enough to do something or be someone I want to be. I'm also tired of being lonely.
I don't know what will be next year. Fear and laziness are the worst ever and I feel like both pervade my life all the time, at every juncture. All I can say is I don't know where I'm going with this, in all certainty, and here's hoping for something more. Hoping for more energy and action, at least. Or at least energies redirected.