(no subject)
Can't sleep. I've got some stuff on my mind.
Erin leaves for France on Sunday. She'll be gone for four months exactly. I know that four months isn't an incredibly long time, and it's not like we saw each other every day last semester or even necessarily spoke to each other every day, but for some reason I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. When I want to be (and lots of times, when I don't), I can be incredibly obsessive, nearly to the point of not being able to function properly; while I think I'm a bit more mature since my last obsessive "breakdown" (about three years ago; really nothing more than me being a little bitch), there's no guarantee I can avoid a similar episode. I'm incredibly happy for Erin, I have no doubt that this will be an amazing experience for her, but sometimes selfish ol' Lee can only think about how he might be a wee sad sometimes.
I wish I'd never expressed interest in the Goldwater scholarship. Filling out the pre-application was rather painful, and now that I'm among UT's "finalists," the actual scholarship application is even worse. I don't fucking know what my career goals are, I'm doing research on boring stupid PDEs because it was practically the only option I had, and my research is important because a published paper will look nice on a graduate school application. It's amazing, really, the things I'll do to myself for the prospect of graduate school; the truly hilarious part is that I don't even know if I want to go to graduate school! This damn Goldwater scholarship won't even get me any more money for UT! I'm putting myself through this torturous application process for, quite literally, an extra line on my grad school apps. I'm majoring in Whoredom with a minor in Con Artistry.
It's true, though, that I'm passionate about math (just not PDEs) and so I want to do an REU this summer. (Applications for those are due soon as well, late January and such. I hate applications.) I'd prefer to do an REU out west, where I've never been, and being able to do research in algebra or topology would be pretty awesome. Also, I need to be able to get in. As far as I can tell, the intersection of all these leaves me with very few choices, if any. Going somewhere that isn't California wouldn't kill me, I suppose, but getting in is obviously rather important and studying algebra/topology would practically guarantee that I won't have to look at a soul-sucking PDE. I can't apply to a bunch of them, because if I write too many more personal statements I'll do something drastic.
We'll see. Classes start Wednesday and I go back to Knoxville tomorrow. Busy, busy, busy.
Erin leaves for France on Sunday. She'll be gone for four months exactly. I know that four months isn't an incredibly long time, and it's not like we saw each other every day last semester or even necessarily spoke to each other every day, but for some reason I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. When I want to be (and lots of times, when I don't), I can be incredibly obsessive, nearly to the point of not being able to function properly; while I think I'm a bit more mature since my last obsessive "breakdown" (about three years ago; really nothing more than me being a little bitch), there's no guarantee I can avoid a similar episode. I'm incredibly happy for Erin, I have no doubt that this will be an amazing experience for her, but sometimes selfish ol' Lee can only think about how he might be a wee sad sometimes.
I wish I'd never expressed interest in the Goldwater scholarship. Filling out the pre-application was rather painful, and now that I'm among UT's "finalists," the actual scholarship application is even worse. I don't fucking know what my career goals are, I'm doing research on boring stupid PDEs because it was practically the only option I had, and my research is important because a published paper will look nice on a graduate school application. It's amazing, really, the things I'll do to myself for the prospect of graduate school; the truly hilarious part is that I don't even know if I want to go to graduate school! This damn Goldwater scholarship won't even get me any more money for UT! I'm putting myself through this torturous application process for, quite literally, an extra line on my grad school apps. I'm majoring in Whoredom with a minor in Con Artistry.
It's true, though, that I'm passionate about math (just not PDEs) and so I want to do an REU this summer. (Applications for those are due soon as well, late January and such. I hate applications.) I'd prefer to do an REU out west, where I've never been, and being able to do research in algebra or topology would be pretty awesome. Also, I need to be able to get in. As far as I can tell, the intersection of all these leaves me with very few choices, if any. Going somewhere that isn't California wouldn't kill me, I suppose, but getting in is obviously rather important and studying algebra/topology would practically guarantee that I won't have to look at a soul-sucking PDE. I can't apply to a bunch of them, because if I write too many more personal statements I'll do something drastic.
We'll see. Classes start Wednesday and I go back to Knoxville tomorrow. Busy, busy, busy.