Jun 18, 2006 11:42
i dont like depending on people/things to make me happy like this.
i shouldnt have to. but obviously i cant make myself happy.
idk why i freak out.
and afterwards i think what the fuck is wrong with me, how annoying can someone get. and i tell myself im not gonna do it anymore, that i cant do it anymore, its not healthy to be like this all the time.
and then it happens again.
and i cant help it, anxiety takes over basically.
i hate not being able to control this shit.
i need help.
=[
i stayed up til 1:30 this morning talking to Corey about everything. hes one of the only people that have always been there to listen and he's always understood me more than anyone. thank you for that.
i dont understand how people can treat others the way they do, with absolutely no respect, no trust, nothing. how do you have any relation with anyone, parents/children/boyfriend,girlfriend/friends, if you dont believe a word they say & treat them like shit. i hate my parents and thats that, they're fucking scum and they think about nothing but themselves. i hate all parents actually.
i would do anything to change the way i feel/think about everything, anything. i look at everything negatively, and i hate it..im sure people look at me and think wtf is that bitches problem. and i dont blame them.
i hate myself. for the shit i put on everyone. for the shit i say. for the shit i think. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. the only thing i really have is Justin, and im thankful for that everyday. hes the only one that listens, the only one that cares, well the only one that shows it at least. i dont know what id do if i didnt have him, i really dont. i love you so much.
things need to change and im going to try my hardest, but i cant promise anything because ill just give my hopes up and end up right back where i started.
i need to stop smoking everyday.
i need to stop smoking so many cigarettes.
i need to work on a lot of things, mentally, cause i know for damn sure i cant go on like this anymore.
i need medicine. i want medicine. but i refuse, i dont want to rely on a fucking pill to make me normal. i want to make myself normal again.
all i know is i've felt this since 8th grade.
and it builds up more and more every year.
it needs to stop.