Aug 25, 2006 23:17
Note: Dear all, if you have read this, please remember that i am not suicidal. I just have a degree in philosophy and that makes my thoughts get carried away. Yes i am depressed, but nowhere near killing myself. All will be well in two weeks from now. thank you.
The Big Ben and other clocktowers chime every hour on the hour. The death clock on the other hand, chimes only once a year to remind you that you are another year older and another year closer to the inevitable. Death cannot be stopped, only postponed.
I hate growing old, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. Some people fear spiders, others fear the dark, some fear crowds, i fear old age. I had to serve this lady once in one of those motorized scooter thingos...she was in her 80s i think. She reeked of poo and after i served her i got worried about how i would look like when i turn 80. When i die, will i have left a footprint in concrete or in sand? Will i reek of poo?
I hate my birthday. I hate the fact that it reminds me that i am another year older. It serves me no other purpose. Celebrations should be about getting your dream job, or winning the lottery, not about some clock chiming 23 times. I hate birthday speeches, they are like eulogies, but in present tense. If we spoke Mandarin, a language with no tense, then we may not really know the difference between a birthday speech and a eulogy.
Why do we celebrate growing old? More people commit suicide around the time of their birthday than any other time of the year.
Everything i've done this year...the gym, the potions and the pills have been done in an effort to stop me from aging. To stop the death clock or at least slow it down. But i can't stop the sun from shining, or the earth from spinning or the effects of stress on my skin and my mind. So at the end of the day, i hope they balance out.
I hate this. I hate the lonliness, the pointlessness of human existence as measured by the amount of time they live on this world. And i can feel it in my heart, this pain, this awful reminder that one day i am going to die. And that's what irritates me so much. Clocktowers, at least we have an idea of when their batteries will die out. Deathclocks on the other hand, we don't know when their batteries will run out. I will never know when i die, except for the ten second heads up that people seem to get before they do.
I don't care if i die, i just don't want to die not leaving my footprint in history.