Bonsai - 5
Title: Bonsai
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Unrequited!TaeKey.
Warnings: It deals with pretty sensitive topics amongst fandoms. OOC overload. You have been warned.
Summary: Taemin grows a green house in the rooftop of the apartment he shares with Kibum.
‘Oppa…what did I do wrong?’
‘It’s not you, as cliché as it might sound…it’s me’
‘No, oppa…you said you’ll give this a chance, that we could work it out together…’
‘I know what I said, but please…try to understand…’
‘Oppa…no, oppa, please don’t go’
‘I am so sorry, I am sorry; again, how many times do I have to apologize?’
-
Even when he was on top of the very rooftop, he could still hear whenever a door opened or closed; Taemin couldn’t quite tell if his ears were really that good, or the walls just rather thin.
Still, good ears or not, the slam produced quite a very loud sound he thought no one would have ever been able to dismiss it.
Already guessing who that person was, he decided to stay there in his greenhouse instead of running down to his hyung, as he normally would.
He waited for a couple of minutes for the elder to go upstairs and greet him, as usual; but this time around no one came over to take a look at him or his plants. Taemin waited, and waited, and waited some more before starting to wonder what exactly was going on.
“You just upset him this morning, what were you expecting?” He mumbled to himself some time later. His stomach grumbled, and Taemin had a sudden urge to go to the bathroom.
Walking downstairs and heading right to where the water closet was, he caught a glimpse of Kibum packing a bag; curious as he was, he then decided to head to where his hyung was instead.
“Hey, what are you doing, hyung?” he asked innocently, not really expecting any special announcement. Kibum just ignored him, not even bothering enough to look at Taemin.
“Hyung?” Taemin repeated again, a tad confused about Kibum’s reaction -or rather, lack thereof.
Kibum kept on folding his clothes, not minding Taemin. “Hyung? Don’t tell me you are still mad about all that fuss…”
Still no response. Nothing; not even a frown, or a straight up ditch; not even a yell, or a reprimand; neither there was a rant nor occasional whine or a complaint. Kibum eventually was done with his packing and closed the suitcase, walking to the main entrance and brushing his shoulder roughly with Taemin’s as he walked past him.
Taemin just watched the person he loved most walk past the main exit, away from the building, crossing the long avenue full of strange people, avoiding the looks some of them gave him when they started figuring out that flamboyant young man they just watched closely was in reality SHINee’s Key.
And Taemin just stood there, motionless. Silently choking on his own tears he tried so hard to suppress because he just was tired -sick and tired, of being the weak one. The one that fell so hard for someone who would never in life see him that same way. He was sick of being the only one who cried his heartbreak out. He wanted to become stronger, someone who could never get his heart squeezed again, not anymore.
“What did I do wrong?” he asked to no one in particular -perhaps he was asking that to Kibum for suddenly leaving him What did I do wrong to upset you like that enough for you to leave me; perhaps he was asking that to the Korean society who stigmatized people like him What did I do wrong for you to hate me as if I were the criminal who raped and slaughtered your daughter alive; perhaps he was asking that to the God he tried so strongly to believe in, What did I do wrong for you to make me like this.
But Taemin was tired of it all and instead of trying doing something else that could be of more use he just chose to stay there and cry his flustered heart out. What did I ever do wrong when all I wanted was to be an honorable human being? But that’s right; you cannot be an honorable human being when you also happen to be the grossest thing to ever walk in two legs.
“I am so sorry”
The door creaked open.
Barely placing a foot on the floor Jinki looked up and saw his child crying in the middle of the living room.
“Duck, what’s wrong?” he quickly ran after him, pulling him in for a hug. Sure, he had known something was off with Taemin, but he hoped it would be a temporary stage. Minho had told him it wasn’t something to worry that much about, and he believed in Minho because, well, Minho just wasn’t the type of person who liked throwing lies around like it’s no big deal.
“I hate myself so much, hyung” Taemin’s almost yell came muffled since he was practically glued to the fabric of Jinki’s shirt. “I wish I could just die”
“Shhhh….” Jinki shushed, lulling Taemin into his embrace. “Don’t say those things…what you are wishing for might come true”
“I hate everyone, hyung…”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Taemin paused for a moment, weighing which option would most likely be better.
He loved Jinki as the elder brother he saw in him when he was in need of a Taesun hyung who would hug him and sing him to sleep and play with him. But for the same reason he loved both Jinki and Taesun hyung he didn’t want them to suffer; carrying a burden that wasn’t theirs, suffering all along the way; that was why neither Taesun nor Jinki hyung should ever know his most deepest and shameful secret.
“No” he found himself saying. “No, not at all…do you know where Kibum hyung is? He didn’t- he hasn’t come here in a while…”
“Not really, though I heard Jonghyun say he was spending some time with the girls…Why? Did you two have a fight?”
“Oh, nevermind then…I was…just worried, that’s all”
It all made no sense to Taemin, Kibum hated him now, and he despised him now. And worst thing was, he didn’t know exactly why, and he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to know at all. It was all helpless now. What else was there left for him if everyone else suddenly started hating him, just like Kibum?
-
“He’s gay, Am” Kibum sobbed. “He’s a homo, and I don’t know if I should feel bad because not long ago I told him those people weren’t normal or angry because he’s hidden me this issue that could as well bring SHINee down, or if I should worry because he got upset at me for the fact he’s gay? I don’t know anymore” Kibum cried some more “It repulses me, but I still care…I can’t understand why would he do that…”
“You’ve got to understand people just don’t wake up one day feeling like being gay, Key”
“No, it goes against the laws of nature…”
“It doesn’t”
“God created both men and women for a reason, not did He just create men”
“I could sit here and talk you for hours about how other animal species have demonstrated homosexual traits in their behaviour, you know”
“But God-”
“God isn’t hateful, therefore why should we be?”
“Because he was selfish enough to tell Minho but not me”
“So is it what hurts you most? That Minho knew before you did?”
“I don’t know…I thought we were really that close for him to trust me…turns out he didn’t trust me that much…Minho even said he had no plans on telling me”
“Just let him be…the things he has to go through are hard enough for you to come in and make them any more difficult”
Kibum just sighed, wiping his wet cheeks with the hem of his shirt. Some tiny but visible stains of make up now had messed that beautiful designer fabric of his favorite shirt. He sulked.
-
Taemin seriously could have sworn he didn’t know what exactly was going in his mind the moment he accepted going to one of those after parties with Jonghyun, Minho and Jinki; he normally wasn’t one for these things, and although he should be flattered considering the fact this internationally renowned high clothing brand this year chose South Korea to help spread the pop culture of that country by having their merchandise endorsed by Big Bang and 2NE1 and also happened to extend an invitation to SHINee to attend the opening party -which the company had to refuse due the fact they were preparing their next release, he wasn’t one for parties after all…not really.
So instead of worrying about the upcoming event, they had been lazing around somewhere until their manager notified the five boys about this aftermath party, which wasn’t really part of the main event but rather some kind of private gathering amongst the artists, organized by YG himself, with some people as special guests, the guys were quite surprised.
Taemin had been somewhat surprised too -outside Jiyong (and occasionally Minji, whenever they had stages together) he never really talked to any other YG artist before, but upon reading the invitation booklet and seeing world class artist G-Dragon had personally took charge of making the guest list he immediately decided to relax a little.
Jiyong hyung’s schedule had been hectic this past month and he hadn’t seen him ever since, aside music shows of course. Taemin took it as an invitation to share some private time with his friend.
Which led him to this crazy situation he was in; and although Kibum was still giving Taemin the cold shoulder treatment Taemin knew Key was the one who could somewhat lead things so that they wouldn’t end up being a total mess, it was a shame Kibum’s grandmother had fallen sick and he had to rush to Daegu to make her a visit to the hospital. Taemin couldn’t quite recall the moment Jonghyun lost it and started prancing around like a child on sugar high -the youngster worried if Jonghyun was really high at all, and Minho started flirting with a couple of girls from a girl group that supposedly just debuted -they came from a small, new company but seemingly they had been YG trainees before and quite close to 2NE1; he had spent most of the time talking to Jiyong (with the occasional remark from Seunghyun and Youngbae sunbae) about trivial things, since he wasn’t that sure if talking about his private life would be adequate in a site like this.
“It’s such a shame Key ssi couldn’t come” Youngbae commented. “Please tell him to send regards to his grandmother on my behalf, I’ll be praying for her”
“Thanks, sunbae” Taemin bowed. “I am sure it will mean a lot to him, you see…that woman was practically the one who raised him, Key hyung’s mother was very ill after giving birth so his grandmother took care of him”
“He must be very grateful to her, then” Seungri said.
“Oh, he is…” Taemin replied. “He is really a very caring and kind person…he never forgets about his friends”
“That is good to know” Youngbae took a sip from his cocktail. “His grandmother raised him well, then”
Taemin looked at the neon-colored floor; a sudden gust of sadness biting his insides.
“He’s a very kind person…and I admire him a whole lot”
Jiyong cleared his throat.
“About that upcoming release of yours” he started “What is exactly about, Taeminnie yah? Can you please tell us something?”
Taemin smiled kindly, thanking his hyung for sensing something was off.
“I can’t say anything at all, sorry…”
“Oh, come on!” Jiyong patted Taemin’s shoulder. “I told you all about my solo album before it was even announced!”
“But that was your album solely…mine is the hard work of other four people besides me…I cannot give that away”
“Fine” Jiyong fumed. “I’ll go text Henry or something like that” he turned around and picked his cell phone from his purse.
Seunghyun and Youngbae cooed, the last one received a kick from Jiyong.
“Ahm, excuse me?” Chaerin approached the table. “Oppa, are you talking about something important?” she asked. The eldest men shrugged, Jiyong refused to answer, and Taemin just stared blankly at his hyungs, not really sure what to do next. “Then can I take Taemin ah with me just for a while”
“Sure” Seungri replied, looking at Taemin. “If he doesn’t mind, of course, right Taemin?”
Taemin shrugged.
“Not at all” he replied nonchalantly. Chaerin extended him a hand and took Taemin by the wrist; giggling all along the way, he led Taemin to where the other girls were.
“What’s going on, noona?” he would ask. “Oh, nothing, really. I just wanted to introduce you to some other people, that’s all”
Taemin shrugged and nodded.
Minho and Jonghyun were already seated on the couch, chatting with some of them; Taemin could only identify Minji, Sandara ssi and Bom ssi. He couldn’t quite work out the facial features of the other three girls, never in his life had he ever seen them.
“Hey” Chaerin greeted. “I brought some more company” All the girls giggled, this made Taemin feel quite uneasy. “Girls, he’s SHINee’s Lee Taemin” to which all the girls bowed politely, Taemin bowed quickly too.
“Oh, Taemin sunbaenim” one of the girls presented herself. “My name is Hyojin, nice to meet you” she pointed at her two other friends. “These are my band mates, Sarah and Minjoo”
The giggling wouldn’t stop, and it was starting to get on his nerves. He really wished he wouldn’t have had accepted Chaerin’s offer.
“Taemin ah, you do know Minji yah, right?” Bom asked. Minji covered her flushed cheeks with his right hand, she was the only one who wasn’t really giggling, at all. He nodded.
“Yes…actually we had this stage together about a month ago or so” he replied. “She’s a great dancer…it was a honor to be her companion, she’s very talented” Minji gasped, covering her hands in embarrassment.
“Thanks a lot, Taemin oppa…it means a lot coming from you” she mumbled.
“Oh, don’t be so humble, darling…you are a very gifted boy too” Bom continued. “Both of you love dancing; you two are so passionate about it it’s almost touching”
“Thanks, noona”
“You two have lots of things in common” Chaerin chirped, almost in a squeal. The noises sometimes girls could make were prone to surprise Taemin. “You two should become good friends”
“Unnie yah!” Minji protested, pretending to slap Chaerin’s head. “It’s okay! You don’t have to shove things down his throat!”
Minho was looking down the floor, pretending he was taking a gulp of whatever he was drinking, Jonghyun gleamed at the idea of Taemin getting to know new people.
“It’s such a good idea” he suggested. “Our Taemin has been quite lonely these days…”
The sudden pain on his ribs that came after Minho poked him with his left elbow was the thing that made him shut up, yelping in pain not long after. But no one save Taemin seemed to notice it.
“Oh, you two should go out on a friendly date sometime!” Sandara fawned. “You’ll have lots of things to talk about!”
“Actually, I-” Taemin began.
“Unnie! Please don’t embarrass me in public!”
Taemin cleared his throat.
“Actually, I’d love to” he found himself saying, not really knowing why.
Jonghyun looked quite…relieved? And Minho just shot him a concerned look.
‘Are you sure you want to do this?’
Taemin gave a long, worn out sigh.
‘…Yes…Yes I do’
The six elder girls squealed and jumped around as if Minji and Taemin were actually getting married. Minji just kind of gave him an apologetic look and smiled shyly; she clearly looked as if she wanted the Earth to just swallow her down fast and in a not so painful way.
“Okay so where’s Jinki?” Jonghyun asked, kneading his hurt spot.
“Chatting with Daesung hyung and Youngbae hyung” Minho replied, ignoring his eldest’s obvious pain. He approached Taemin and quietly told him it was still early to retract his decision, before he got to break the young girl’s heart.
“I am going to be fine” the youngster simply responded.
“Why did you do that, though?” The taller guy asked.
“I-” he fell silent. Why did he do that? He couldn’t quite tell why. Was it out of pity towards Minji? She always had showed an interest in him but Taemin just brushed it off everytime they met, he had been too busy over the moon with Kibum to really care so why was he doing that now? He didn’t even like girls…it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried experimenting with females before so he knew it wasn’t because some sort of new sexuality had been developed into him. Was it because the girls were really that obnoxious and he had to find a way to make them shut up? Not likely. Was it out of spite? Spite? Spite for what?
For Kibum to ditch me like that.
No, that can’t be…
Deep down in his heart he knew it. He knew why he accepted going on that date in first place. But still he refused to accept it. He refused to accept his heart had rotten this way.
‘Please don’t let the darkness rot you…Don’t let it consume you…I don’t want to lose you’
The words stung him whole; they hurt like needles against his bare skin. A promise of friendship and commitment both had broke in such a short time span; one for his lack of trust and the other for his narrow-minded, complex personality.
He tried to shrug those poisonous thoughts away; still that night he had nightmares of that black monster from Spider Man 3 eating him alive, skinning him first and then putting salt in his fresh-torn flesh, blood dripping from everywhere, consuming him from his insides.
He was gay, how could he have accepted Bom’s offer? Minji was someone he cherished dearly as a friend; he definitely didn’t want to break her heart.
He felt like regurgitating at the thought of her body beneath his; her smooth limbs locked with his; her sweet, young mouth twinned with his; the female features pressed against his bare chest as the two of them made-
No.
Just no.
How nauseating that idea was; the knowledge that he and the rest of the people alive in this world had been conceived that way didn’t help at all.
It wasn’t going to be as far as that…just occasional friendship. Both of them were underage after all, and he knew he wouldn’t ever do that to her, let alone the fact he absolutely wouldn’t enjoy it. Heck what was he even thinking? He shouldn’t think about these things at all…it’s time to focus on more relevant things, like the impending comeback, those upcoming mid-term exams…it’s not the right time to start even considering the possibility, Taem. Just chill.
-
‘Hey, duck …the session has just been dismissed today and we’re having lunch soon…it’s just the two of us; want to come over? You can bring whoever you want’
Taemin was in Jonghyun’s room, getting some help from the elders on choosing his outfit for his date with Minji -which happened to be that same day, around lunchtime. Upon answering Yunho’s call and listening to the proposal he couldn’t hide the grin he had plastered all over his face, he had missed Yunho and Changmin hyung a lot; the fact the two of them seemed very stressed and quite pissed wasn’t of much help either, they were under an unbearable pressure anyway. Unfortunately though, he had this date with 2NE1’s main dancer in about one and a half hours so he had to turn down his hyung’s invitation.
“Who is it, Taem?” Jinki asked, poking Taemin’s side with his index finger. The youngest slapped Jinki’s hand playfully with his, Jinki then snatched his phone away.
“Who is this?” he asked. “Hyung? It’s Jinki, yeah…” the leader smiled.
“Hey! Give it back” Taemin whined.
“Oh, Taem?” Jinki glanced up at Taemin, smiling at his youngest member’s face as Yunho asked him about Taemin. “Yeah, he’s doing fine…he’s just preparing himself for a date he- uh? Oh, it’s not a big deal, hyung, he’s not nervous at all…try guessing who they are! No, it’s not Kim Hyuna ssi… it’s 2NE1’s Minji…yeah, they like to call it ‘friendly’ I guess…no, in fact Park Bom ssi was the one who asked him out on a date with Minji yah and he pretty much accepted it…she looked really embarrassed now that I recall what Jonghyun told me…” Jinki crossed his legs, with Taemin hardly trying to keep his face stoic because in fact he was laughing inside. He wasn’t mad at Jinki for spilling the beans on his date at all; he knew Jinki enjoyed having conversations with Yunho hyung. “I don’t know, he plans on taking her to somewhere special…not really…I am just helping to dress him up, the poor kid doesn’t know how to dress properly- Ouch!” Jinki bemoaned once Taemin’s leg kicked him. “No, it’s okay…it was just an obnoxious little fly that keeps pestering me…Ouch!” Jinki held the phone a bit lower. “Taemin, stop! Oh, no…hyung…he’s gonna be fine, he’s a tough boy…yeah, I will make sure to check, yes, we’re going to eat later on, and no, we don’t need anything else, Minho is fine too, Jonghyun too and I don’t know about Kibum but since there hasn’t been any recent news on people finding his dead body I guess he’s fine…” Jinki laughed. “It’s okay…he was just tired I guess…no, not at all…he should be fine…we’re fine, hyung! Go eat now will you…bye” Jinki hung up the phone.
“Was it…Yunho hyung, right?” Taemin asked.
“Yeah, he said Changmin hyung was in the bathroom so he considered phoning you up in the meantime”
“So Changmin didn’t hear any of the conversation?”
“No, why does it make you so worried anyway?” Jinki joked a little. “It’s not like we were conspiring against him!”
The stark look Taemin offered him clearly told the elder it was a more serious matter they were talking about. A sudden chill on his chest made Taemin somehow feel both ashamed and worried of how his hyung could react if Yunho hyung told him about Minji’s date. For one, he knew Changmin would worry since he was aware of Taemin’s actual sexual orientation.
And for two, it slightly made him feel bad…as if he somehow were betraying him. He wondered what was it that made him feel like a traitor. ‘Perhaps it’s because I turned down the food offer’ he thought.
“Alright so let’s get started” Jinki cleared up, unease evident in his voice. “I’ve brought you this wear shirt which you could use with this one blue cardigan…also I think you look good on skinny -real skinny jeans so I thought perhaps we could combine this neon blue and pink loose shirt with this one checkered jacket and these yellow tight-fitting trousers…and as for the clothes you shouldn’t worry; Minho, Jonghyun and I give you free access to the clothes in this house, plus the ones you brought by yourself it shouldn’t be any problem at all…so now back with the checkered jacket I was thinking of something more, original; see, I watched on this TV show that if you match the color palette adequately neon colors won’t end up being a damage to our visual sanity so…”
-
Taemin paced around quite nonchalantly, waiting for the girl to show up. They had agreed to meet nearly 1 pm on this side of the street, a vague ‘Look after a Flintstones Pebbles on the street!’ message on his inbox drifting through his mind every now and then. What did that even mean? He had no idea; turning around to the other side he was determined to walk a couple of meters away and look after Minji. Perhaps she had gotten lost around the complex and way too slim streets of this part of town, who knew.
Something then buzzed in his mind but he shrugged the thought off; a couple of seconds later he heard the sound of someone clearing up his throat. He turned his head back.
It was Minji. Wearing a loose white sweatshirt -that reminded him of a pajama set he had seen on a clothing store sometime ago -with a print of baby Pebbles on it -now the message made sense, black leggings and mint green converse, she looked as if she just got out of dance practice, which judging by the lingering sweet scent of watermelon around her, couldn’t be true. She looked fresh and excited, a light shade of pink colouring her upper cheeks. Taemin thought she looked very pretty.
“Hey” he turned to face her “You look good”
“I called out your name before” she started. “Guess you didn’t hear me, even though I was barely a few centimeters apart” Did that just sound like a reproach?
“It’s thirty four past one” Taemin replied, trying not to sound harsh as much as he could.
“Yeah” she mumbled “Sorry about that” she looked at the floor, pulling a few strands of hair from his face “I tried phoning you before, but my battery kind of died so…” she then started playing with her fingers, the nice nail polish blinking. Taemin held her hand down.
“It’s okay” he smiled reassuringly. “Let’s just enjoy this, okay?” Minji nodded. And Taemin felt slightly bad for letting her hopes rise up so soon, or for letting them rise at all.
Sometime later they were both located inside a burger joint. Minji flinched a little at the image of people eating what possibly could obstruct their blood vessels and make them die.
“Which combo do you want to pick?” Taemin asked her while looking at the menu held high above the cashiers.
“Are we…eating food from here?” Minji asked worriedly.
“Why not?” Taemin asked. “I thought it would be quite original…”
“Does your manager allow you to eat those?” she asked; voice low and bashful.
“Does yours?” Taemin asked back; a smile spreading through his lips as the youngster shook her head in a quick response. “Then I guess it will be our tiny little secret” he squeezed the youngest hand. He could feel Minji’s muscle hands tense up not long after that.
“What are you going to order, sir?”
Taemin smirked, giving Minji a mischievous look to which she responded frowning cutely.
“Yes, we’re having two number 12…with extra cheese and a extra large drink, please”
-
The rest of the day goes in a blur and Taemin finds himself having fun with Minji on a salad bar and later on in an exotic coffee shop. From what he could recall later on they basically spent their day laughing, taking photos and basically eating what their managers would die of fright if they were ever to look at. Suddenly it was 7pm already and Minji received a call from Chaerin.
“Oppa, I think I have to go now” she apologized. “I had a great time today, really…”
“I had a great time too, Minji yah” Taemin bowed. “Thanks a lot for this”
“I wish we could meet again sometime later”
“Me too…ring you up when I can?” Taemin offered. Minji nodded enthusiastically, both of them parted ways shortly after that, and Taemin wondered if that was what the rest of his normal classmates did every Friday noon at the mall, chilling with their friends. He had been too busy fooling around with Minji on the stores that he barely noticed his phone; a thousand missed calls from a few people, and a text from a certain someone.
‘Hyung told me everything about it…seriously, what are you trying to prove here? Why would you do that? Or are you on a new heartbreaker stage, ready to punch down every heart you can get your hands on, just like he did to yours?’
He sulked, snapping the phone close; the driver looked at him from the mirror with a worried gaze. He has had the most wonderful experience in a long while and now because of that sole text the day was now screwed. What was Changmin trying to say? Why did he even care? He was not the one who had to face this tough situation of falling in love with your absolutely straight band mate, what right of say did he ever have in this?
-
The unsaid ‘Why would you do that [to me]?’ lingered in the atmosphere as a vague rebuke of unvoiced feelings; he liked to think he was doing it for the sake of the one he loved most. It’s funny because he tried being the comprehensive hyung, the one who would be willing to listen and would be willing to forgive. But he has never been good with these things; unlike Yunho hyung, he lacked patience, and with every minor thing that contradicted his way of thought he was prone to outburst. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt like hell but still he craved the hurt. He craved the hurt because it could prove him he still harbored strong, good feelings towards anyone at all. He had fallen for other people before, but it wasn’t like this. Never had, never will again be as special as this. Taemin was special, he was special because he could be the outstanding clear white in a sheet full of blotches; the small, coy smile that could send him away, that would convince him of anything; Taemin could be the remaining neat on that dirty fishbowl in which even the fish had died a long time ago due the dirtiness. Amongst the confusing world spinning around him, Taemin was the one who stayed still, remained untouched, unclaimed, oblivious. The precious child in which he could see an exact replica of how he had been back in his debut days; the sweet smile, the caring persona, the extreme talent and the passion he could see in his eyes whenever he performed, as if he really loved this life and held no regrets of choosing this path.
‘Or are you on a new heartbreaker stage, ready to punch down every heart [my heart] you can get your hands on [the way I give mine to you], just like he did it to yours?’
Still, the young heart had started to rot, in a quick, poisonous way. He wasn’t quite sure of whom that person was, but his heart ached whenever he thought of Taemin getting stained forever, as if with permanent marker. He loved him; he wanted to open Taemin’s eyes so that he could see how much he loved the boy, and how ready he was of helping him heal his wounds. He knew that deep inside Taemin wasn’t rot at all, just rather confused. The fact he dated a girl shouldn’t have affected him much since he knew Taemin was gay, but it did nonetheless. It hurt more than having Taemin loving someone else that wasn’t him. Sometimes he hated society so much.
But foremost, he hated himself the most for being so coward. What was he even thinking when he fell for Taemin almost five years ago? Taemin had been twelve, almost thirteen and pretty new to the company and he had been seventeen, almost eighteen, and already being an insanely famous celebrity when he first saw him, immediately drawing more and more into his simple outfits and honest smile; even when he could have had anyone else, his heart chose Taemin and he couldn’t help but feel like a predator; just like that night when he accidentally walked in and saw his Junsu hyung staring at the recently printed photos of Kibum he had taken that morning; even the ink was fresh, he could tell by seeing how his hyung’s index turned black the moment he clutched the photo paper in a desperate attempt at hiding what he had been doing. Changmin felt sick because that was exactly what he had been doing with the fourteen year old Taemin whenever he came to train. Later that night he swore he wouldn’t do that never again.
He switched to the other side of the bed, making the bunk bed above move a little; his hyung groaned and told him to sleep already. He thought he should really sleep and get rid of all those disturbing images.
He later on dreamt of the blonde haired boy looking at him, smiling wholeheartedly. He kissed Taemin full on the lips and Taemin replied with a moan and a short I love you; his heart flinched and twisted and he felt it was actually bleeding, and woke up choking in his own saliva, with Yunho patting his back whispering an it’s alright, just breathe, into the dread of night.
-
“Is this seat okay?” The elder policeman asked Taemin, offering him the plastic seat near an entrance.
“It’s perfect. Thanks a lot, sir” the teenager replied with a sweet smile.
“Are you waiting for too long?” The policeman returned the smile.
“I hope I don’t” Taemin sighed, sinking into the plastic seat. The policeman merely looked at him.
“Are your parents getting a divorce, kid?” he finally asked.
“Huh?” Taemin raised his newly-colored blonde head. “Oh, not really…” he couldn’t hide the grin his lips formed at the thought of people always saying the Dong Bang Shin Ki members took care of SHINee in almost a paternal way. “I am just waiting for a friend to get out of a court session, sir”
“I see” the police officer took a seat as well. “Tell me,” he started “Are they really as bad as those people claim them to be?” Taemin blinked, at first startled but then catching up with the message, but how-?
“How did you recognize me, sir?” he asked as politely as he could, trying not to sound annoyed if the man turned out to be some journalist of one of those infamous gossip magazines.
“Kid, you are as flamboyant as them…the question should be ‘How did you not recognize me?’” the old man said, putting a strong, special emphasis on the ‘not’. Taemin tried to shrug the chill he felt down his spine off by laughing it off awkwardly.
“How am I sure you are not another one of those journalists who are desperately trying to squeeze into places like this? I mean, a bunch of them have been arrested for trying to enter the court session without any permission…how can I know you aren’t one of them in disguise?”
“It’s okay, kid…you don’t have to answer to that if you don’t want to”
“I-” he gaped. “I am not really sure if I should say anything on the matter”
“Like I said, it’s okay if you don’t wish to say anything on that matter” the old man shrugged. “It’s a pretty sensitive case if you ask me…both my niece and daughter used to be their fans when they were younger” the man looked far away as if lost in deep thought “They attended every single event they held, and man were they in love with the five all the same”
Taemin nodded.
“I hope the split didn’t disappoint them…it’s such a shame when you hear your group lost fans just for the actions one committed” he said, not sure if it was meant as an apology or rather just another comment.
“Don’t worry” the old man grinned. “It had already died down; eventually they forgot of it all as they got into university…still that doesn’t mean they weren’t shocked when the news first aired”
“I suppose so” Taemin agreed. “We all reacted the same…perhaps the tension could be sensed by spending time with them, but as for the rest of us, when we first learned about it we were shocked too” he sighed “We didn’t really see it coming” he then turned his head to face the man. “But I guess they don’t really have time to worry about these things…school must keep them very busy… in which school are they enrolled in?”
“Seoul University” the man revealed. “and yes, very busy indeed”
“I should congratulate them…they must be very smart”
“Yes, I think they are…and thanks, I should tell them some celebrity sends them his regards”
Taemin sighed, facing the floor.
“How old are you, kid?” the man asked.
“Seventeen”
“Sounds too young to be a celebrity, don't you think?”
“Yeah, I get that a lot…I’ve been out since fifteen”
“So…why did you decide to become one?” the man questioned again, and Taemin wondered if the man would keep on asking questions. “You must’ve started very early…”
Taemin smiled.
“Again, how am I sure you’re not a reporter in disguise?” he asked amused. “I mean, I have no intentions of being rude or anything, but you are a very curious old man”
“Well, I guess I am” the elder grinned back. “But it’s easier to kill some time this way” he shrugged sometime later. “You are still a minor, I should remain with you until those you’re waiting for arrive…In fact, I don’t know why they let you inside in first place; this isn’t a place for children”
Taemin sighed.
“I guess I just thought dancing was the only thing I could do without failing that much…I love dancing and I am grateful that I was born healthy and complete to do so because otherwise I would have gone nuts a long time ago…”
“Is that so?” The man asked.
“Yes, and I hold no regrets whatsoever”
“It’s good to know…that you don’t regret choosing that path” the man looked away to the big wooden door. “Do you think they regret their decision and that’s why they want out?”
Taemin shrugged; a thumping sound in his ears, a flinch in his guts.
“I don’t really know…” and that’s when it hit him. “I don’t really know that much about them, actually…never got the chance to actually approach all of them actually”
“You said you were waiting for one of your friends to go out…isn’t one of your friends one of them?”
Taemin sighed. Did he really could call Changmin and Yunho hyung friends? Did he know them that good? Did they consider him a friend too?
Yes, he said to himself. Yes, yes, an absolute yes. They were his friends, he loved them, and they loved him back.
“Yes…actually…two of them”
“The ones that don’t want out of all that?” the man asked.
“Yes” Taemin beamed.
Before any more things could be said, the big door creaked and a much smaller one opened; a crowd of people in black and grey suits got out of the room, all of them with a phone in hand; all of them looked fiery and upset, annoyed, angry to the nerves. Taemin stood up quickly, legs trembling a bit due the nervousness.
“I guess I got to go” the man whispered, amused “My name is Woojin, and if you happen to need anything, make sure to call me” Taemin smiled wholeheartedly.
“My name is Taemin, and it was a pleasure to talk to you”
“Hey, duck!” Yunho called. “What are you doing here? Did you wait for too long? Are you hungry?”
Taemin ran quickly to them, and whilst Yunho was happy that their youngest had decided to go out with them for a while, Changmin wouldn’t even talk to him.
“What’s wrong, hyung?” Taemin faced him on the restroom, when the two were finally left alone. Changmin shot him a glare that sent Taemin’s head an alarmingly chill.
“You just don’t get it, right? What did she ever do to you for you to break her heart like that?” he replied, walking away. Changmin ignored him for the rest of the evening, and Taemin’s heart broke. Yunho just tried to shrug off the dense tension built between the two.
Free Web Counter
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Unrequited!TaeKey.
Warnings: It deals with pretty sensitive topics amongst fandoms. OOC overload. You have been warned.
Summary: Taemin grows a green house in the rooftop of the apartment he shares with Kibum.
‘Oppa…what did I do wrong?’
‘It’s not you, as cliché as it might sound…it’s me’
‘No, oppa…you said you’ll give this a chance, that we could work it out together…’
‘I know what I said, but please…try to understand…’
‘Oppa…no, oppa, please don’t go’
‘I am so sorry, I am sorry; again, how many times do I have to apologize?’
-
Even when he was on top of the very rooftop, he could still hear whenever a door opened or closed; Taemin couldn’t quite tell if his ears were really that good, or the walls just rather thin.
Still, good ears or not, the slam produced quite a very loud sound he thought no one would have ever been able to dismiss it.
Already guessing who that person was, he decided to stay there in his greenhouse instead of running down to his hyung, as he normally would.
He waited for a couple of minutes for the elder to go upstairs and greet him, as usual; but this time around no one came over to take a look at him or his plants. Taemin waited, and waited, and waited some more before starting to wonder what exactly was going on.
“You just upset him this morning, what were you expecting?” He mumbled to himself some time later. His stomach grumbled, and Taemin had a sudden urge to go to the bathroom.
Walking downstairs and heading right to where the water closet was, he caught a glimpse of Kibum packing a bag; curious as he was, he then decided to head to where his hyung was instead.
“Hey, what are you doing, hyung?” he asked innocently, not really expecting any special announcement. Kibum just ignored him, not even bothering enough to look at Taemin.
“Hyung?” Taemin repeated again, a tad confused about Kibum’s reaction -or rather, lack thereof.
Kibum kept on folding his clothes, not minding Taemin. “Hyung? Don’t tell me you are still mad about all that fuss…”
Still no response. Nothing; not even a frown, or a straight up ditch; not even a yell, or a reprimand; neither there was a rant nor occasional whine or a complaint. Kibum eventually was done with his packing and closed the suitcase, walking to the main entrance and brushing his shoulder roughly with Taemin’s as he walked past him.
Taemin just watched the person he loved most walk past the main exit, away from the building, crossing the long avenue full of strange people, avoiding the looks some of them gave him when they started figuring out that flamboyant young man they just watched closely was in reality SHINee’s Key.
And Taemin just stood there, motionless. Silently choking on his own tears he tried so hard to suppress because he just was tired -sick and tired, of being the weak one. The one that fell so hard for someone who would never in life see him that same way. He was sick of being the only one who cried his heartbreak out. He wanted to become stronger, someone who could never get his heart squeezed again, not anymore.
“What did I do wrong?” he asked to no one in particular -perhaps he was asking that to Kibum for suddenly leaving him What did I do wrong to upset you like that enough for you to leave me; perhaps he was asking that to the Korean society who stigmatized people like him What did I do wrong for you to hate me as if I were the criminal who raped and slaughtered your daughter alive; perhaps he was asking that to the God he tried so strongly to believe in, What did I do wrong for you to make me like this.
But Taemin was tired of it all and instead of trying doing something else that could be of more use he just chose to stay there and cry his flustered heart out. What did I ever do wrong when all I wanted was to be an honorable human being? But that’s right; you cannot be an honorable human being when you also happen to be the grossest thing to ever walk in two legs.
“I am so sorry”
The door creaked open.
Barely placing a foot on the floor Jinki looked up and saw his child crying in the middle of the living room.
“Duck, what’s wrong?” he quickly ran after him, pulling him in for a hug. Sure, he had known something was off with Taemin, but he hoped it would be a temporary stage. Minho had told him it wasn’t something to worry that much about, and he believed in Minho because, well, Minho just wasn’t the type of person who liked throwing lies around like it’s no big deal.
“I hate myself so much, hyung” Taemin’s almost yell came muffled since he was practically glued to the fabric of Jinki’s shirt. “I wish I could just die”
“Shhhh….” Jinki shushed, lulling Taemin into his embrace. “Don’t say those things…what you are wishing for might come true”
“I hate everyone, hyung…”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Taemin paused for a moment, weighing which option would most likely be better.
He loved Jinki as the elder brother he saw in him when he was in need of a Taesun hyung who would hug him and sing him to sleep and play with him. But for the same reason he loved both Jinki and Taesun hyung he didn’t want them to suffer; carrying a burden that wasn’t theirs, suffering all along the way; that was why neither Taesun nor Jinki hyung should ever know his most deepest and shameful secret.
“No” he found himself saying. “No, not at all…do you know where Kibum hyung is? He didn’t- he hasn’t come here in a while…”
“Not really, though I heard Jonghyun say he was spending some time with the girls…Why? Did you two have a fight?”
“Oh, nevermind then…I was…just worried, that’s all”
It all made no sense to Taemin, Kibum hated him now, and he despised him now. And worst thing was, he didn’t know exactly why, and he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to know at all. It was all helpless now. What else was there left for him if everyone else suddenly started hating him, just like Kibum?
-
“He’s gay, Am” Kibum sobbed. “He’s a homo, and I don’t know if I should feel bad because not long ago I told him those people weren’t normal or angry because he’s hidden me this issue that could as well bring SHINee down, or if I should worry because he got upset at me for the fact he’s gay? I don’t know anymore” Kibum cried some more “It repulses me, but I still care…I can’t understand why would he do that…”
“You’ve got to understand people just don’t wake up one day feeling like being gay, Key”
“No, it goes against the laws of nature…”
“It doesn’t”
“God created both men and women for a reason, not did He just create men”
“I could sit here and talk you for hours about how other animal species have demonstrated homosexual traits in their behaviour, you know”
“But God-”
“God isn’t hateful, therefore why should we be?”
“Because he was selfish enough to tell Minho but not me”
“So is it what hurts you most? That Minho knew before you did?”
“I don’t know…I thought we were really that close for him to trust me…turns out he didn’t trust me that much…Minho even said he had no plans on telling me”
“Just let him be…the things he has to go through are hard enough for you to come in and make them any more difficult”
Kibum just sighed, wiping his wet cheeks with the hem of his shirt. Some tiny but visible stains of make up now had messed that beautiful designer fabric of his favorite shirt. He sulked.
-
Taemin seriously could have sworn he didn’t know what exactly was going in his mind the moment he accepted going to one of those after parties with Jonghyun, Minho and Jinki; he normally wasn’t one for these things, and although he should be flattered considering the fact this internationally renowned high clothing brand this year chose South Korea to help spread the pop culture of that country by having their merchandise endorsed by Big Bang and 2NE1 and also happened to extend an invitation to SHINee to attend the opening party -which the company had to refuse due the fact they were preparing their next release, he wasn’t one for parties after all…not really.
So instead of worrying about the upcoming event, they had been lazing around somewhere until their manager notified the five boys about this aftermath party, which wasn’t really part of the main event but rather some kind of private gathering amongst the artists, organized by YG himself, with some people as special guests, the guys were quite surprised.
Taemin had been somewhat surprised too -outside Jiyong (and occasionally Minji, whenever they had stages together) he never really talked to any other YG artist before, but upon reading the invitation booklet and seeing world class artist G-Dragon had personally took charge of making the guest list he immediately decided to relax a little.
Jiyong hyung’s schedule had been hectic this past month and he hadn’t seen him ever since, aside music shows of course. Taemin took it as an invitation to share some private time with his friend.
Which led him to this crazy situation he was in; and although Kibum was still giving Taemin the cold shoulder treatment Taemin knew Key was the one who could somewhat lead things so that they wouldn’t end up being a total mess, it was a shame Kibum’s grandmother had fallen sick and he had to rush to Daegu to make her a visit to the hospital. Taemin couldn’t quite recall the moment Jonghyun lost it and started prancing around like a child on sugar high -the youngster worried if Jonghyun was really high at all, and Minho started flirting with a couple of girls from a girl group that supposedly just debuted -they came from a small, new company but seemingly they had been YG trainees before and quite close to 2NE1; he had spent most of the time talking to Jiyong (with the occasional remark from Seunghyun and Youngbae sunbae) about trivial things, since he wasn’t that sure if talking about his private life would be adequate in a site like this.
“It’s such a shame Key ssi couldn’t come” Youngbae commented. “Please tell him to send regards to his grandmother on my behalf, I’ll be praying for her”
“Thanks, sunbae” Taemin bowed. “I am sure it will mean a lot to him, you see…that woman was practically the one who raised him, Key hyung’s mother was very ill after giving birth so his grandmother took care of him”
“He must be very grateful to her, then” Seungri said.
“Oh, he is…” Taemin replied. “He is really a very caring and kind person…he never forgets about his friends”
“That is good to know” Youngbae took a sip from his cocktail. “His grandmother raised him well, then”
Taemin looked at the neon-colored floor; a sudden gust of sadness biting his insides.
“He’s a very kind person…and I admire him a whole lot”
Jiyong cleared his throat.
“About that upcoming release of yours” he started “What is exactly about, Taeminnie yah? Can you please tell us something?”
Taemin smiled kindly, thanking his hyung for sensing something was off.
“I can’t say anything at all, sorry…”
“Oh, come on!” Jiyong patted Taemin’s shoulder. “I told you all about my solo album before it was even announced!”
“But that was your album solely…mine is the hard work of other four people besides me…I cannot give that away”
“Fine” Jiyong fumed. “I’ll go text Henry or something like that” he turned around and picked his cell phone from his purse.
Seunghyun and Youngbae cooed, the last one received a kick from Jiyong.
“Ahm, excuse me?” Chaerin approached the table. “Oppa, are you talking about something important?” she asked. The eldest men shrugged, Jiyong refused to answer, and Taemin just stared blankly at his hyungs, not really sure what to do next. “Then can I take Taemin ah with me just for a while”
“Sure” Seungri replied, looking at Taemin. “If he doesn’t mind, of course, right Taemin?”
Taemin shrugged.
“Not at all” he replied nonchalantly. Chaerin extended him a hand and took Taemin by the wrist; giggling all along the way, he led Taemin to where the other girls were.
“What’s going on, noona?” he would ask. “Oh, nothing, really. I just wanted to introduce you to some other people, that’s all”
Taemin shrugged and nodded.
Minho and Jonghyun were already seated on the couch, chatting with some of them; Taemin could only identify Minji, Sandara ssi and Bom ssi. He couldn’t quite work out the facial features of the other three girls, never in his life had he ever seen them.
“Hey” Chaerin greeted. “I brought some more company” All the girls giggled, this made Taemin feel quite uneasy. “Girls, he’s SHINee’s Lee Taemin” to which all the girls bowed politely, Taemin bowed quickly too.
“Oh, Taemin sunbaenim” one of the girls presented herself. “My name is Hyojin, nice to meet you” she pointed at her two other friends. “These are my band mates, Sarah and Minjoo”
The giggling wouldn’t stop, and it was starting to get on his nerves. He really wished he wouldn’t have had accepted Chaerin’s offer.
“Taemin ah, you do know Minji yah, right?” Bom asked. Minji covered her flushed cheeks with his right hand, she was the only one who wasn’t really giggling, at all. He nodded.
“Yes…actually we had this stage together about a month ago or so” he replied. “She’s a great dancer…it was a honor to be her companion, she’s very talented” Minji gasped, covering her hands in embarrassment.
“Thanks a lot, Taemin oppa…it means a lot coming from you” she mumbled.
“Oh, don’t be so humble, darling…you are a very gifted boy too” Bom continued. “Both of you love dancing; you two are so passionate about it it’s almost touching”
“Thanks, noona”
“You two have lots of things in common” Chaerin chirped, almost in a squeal. The noises sometimes girls could make were prone to surprise Taemin. “You two should become good friends”
“Unnie yah!” Minji protested, pretending to slap Chaerin’s head. “It’s okay! You don’t have to shove things down his throat!”
Minho was looking down the floor, pretending he was taking a gulp of whatever he was drinking, Jonghyun gleamed at the idea of Taemin getting to know new people.
“It’s such a good idea” he suggested. “Our Taemin has been quite lonely these days…”
The sudden pain on his ribs that came after Minho poked him with his left elbow was the thing that made him shut up, yelping in pain not long after. But no one save Taemin seemed to notice it.
“Oh, you two should go out on a friendly date sometime!” Sandara fawned. “You’ll have lots of things to talk about!”
“Actually, I-” Taemin began.
“Unnie! Please don’t embarrass me in public!”
Taemin cleared his throat.
“Actually, I’d love to” he found himself saying, not really knowing why.
Jonghyun looked quite…relieved? And Minho just shot him a concerned look.
‘Are you sure you want to do this?’
Taemin gave a long, worn out sigh.
‘…Yes…Yes I do’
The six elder girls squealed and jumped around as if Minji and Taemin were actually getting married. Minji just kind of gave him an apologetic look and smiled shyly; she clearly looked as if she wanted the Earth to just swallow her down fast and in a not so painful way.
“Okay so where’s Jinki?” Jonghyun asked, kneading his hurt spot.
“Chatting with Daesung hyung and Youngbae hyung” Minho replied, ignoring his eldest’s obvious pain. He approached Taemin and quietly told him it was still early to retract his decision, before he got to break the young girl’s heart.
“I am going to be fine” the youngster simply responded.
“Why did you do that, though?” The taller guy asked.
“I-” he fell silent. Why did he do that? He couldn’t quite tell why. Was it out of pity towards Minji? She always had showed an interest in him but Taemin just brushed it off everytime they met, he had been too busy over the moon with Kibum to really care so why was he doing that now? He didn’t even like girls…it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried experimenting with females before so he knew it wasn’t because some sort of new sexuality had been developed into him. Was it because the girls were really that obnoxious and he had to find a way to make them shut up? Not likely. Was it out of spite? Spite? Spite for what?
For Kibum to ditch me like that.
No, that can’t be…
Deep down in his heart he knew it. He knew why he accepted going on that date in first place. But still he refused to accept it. He refused to accept his heart had rotten this way.
‘Please don’t let the darkness rot you…Don’t let it consume you…I don’t want to lose you’
The words stung him whole; they hurt like needles against his bare skin. A promise of friendship and commitment both had broke in such a short time span; one for his lack of trust and the other for his narrow-minded, complex personality.
He tried to shrug those poisonous thoughts away; still that night he had nightmares of that black monster from Spider Man 3 eating him alive, skinning him first and then putting salt in his fresh-torn flesh, blood dripping from everywhere, consuming him from his insides.
He was gay, how could he have accepted Bom’s offer? Minji was someone he cherished dearly as a friend; he definitely didn’t want to break her heart.
He felt like regurgitating at the thought of her body beneath his; her smooth limbs locked with his; her sweet, young mouth twinned with his; the female features pressed against his bare chest as the two of them made-
No.
Just no.
How nauseating that idea was; the knowledge that he and the rest of the people alive in this world had been conceived that way didn’t help at all.
It wasn’t going to be as far as that…just occasional friendship. Both of them were underage after all, and he knew he wouldn’t ever do that to her, let alone the fact he absolutely wouldn’t enjoy it. Heck what was he even thinking? He shouldn’t think about these things at all…it’s time to focus on more relevant things, like the impending comeback, those upcoming mid-term exams…it’s not the right time to start even considering the possibility, Taem. Just chill.
-
‘Hey, duck …the session has just been dismissed today and we’re having lunch soon…it’s just the two of us; want to come over? You can bring whoever you want’
Taemin was in Jonghyun’s room, getting some help from the elders on choosing his outfit for his date with Minji -which happened to be that same day, around lunchtime. Upon answering Yunho’s call and listening to the proposal he couldn’t hide the grin he had plastered all over his face, he had missed Yunho and Changmin hyung a lot; the fact the two of them seemed very stressed and quite pissed wasn’t of much help either, they were under an unbearable pressure anyway. Unfortunately though, he had this date with 2NE1’s main dancer in about one and a half hours so he had to turn down his hyung’s invitation.
“Who is it, Taem?” Jinki asked, poking Taemin’s side with his index finger. The youngest slapped Jinki’s hand playfully with his, Jinki then snatched his phone away.
“Who is this?” he asked. “Hyung? It’s Jinki, yeah…” the leader smiled.
“Hey! Give it back” Taemin whined.
“Oh, Taem?” Jinki glanced up at Taemin, smiling at his youngest member’s face as Yunho asked him about Taemin. “Yeah, he’s doing fine…he’s just preparing himself for a date he- uh? Oh, it’s not a big deal, hyung, he’s not nervous at all…try guessing who they are! No, it’s not Kim Hyuna ssi… it’s 2NE1’s Minji…yeah, they like to call it ‘friendly’ I guess…no, in fact Park Bom ssi was the one who asked him out on a date with Minji yah and he pretty much accepted it…she looked really embarrassed now that I recall what Jonghyun told me…” Jinki crossed his legs, with Taemin hardly trying to keep his face stoic because in fact he was laughing inside. He wasn’t mad at Jinki for spilling the beans on his date at all; he knew Jinki enjoyed having conversations with Yunho hyung. “I don’t know, he plans on taking her to somewhere special…not really…I am just helping to dress him up, the poor kid doesn’t know how to dress properly- Ouch!” Jinki bemoaned once Taemin’s leg kicked him. “No, it’s okay…it was just an obnoxious little fly that keeps pestering me…Ouch!” Jinki held the phone a bit lower. “Taemin, stop! Oh, no…hyung…he’s gonna be fine, he’s a tough boy…yeah, I will make sure to check, yes, we’re going to eat later on, and no, we don’t need anything else, Minho is fine too, Jonghyun too and I don’t know about Kibum but since there hasn’t been any recent news on people finding his dead body I guess he’s fine…” Jinki laughed. “It’s okay…he was just tired I guess…no, not at all…he should be fine…we’re fine, hyung! Go eat now will you…bye” Jinki hung up the phone.
“Was it…Yunho hyung, right?” Taemin asked.
“Yeah, he said Changmin hyung was in the bathroom so he considered phoning you up in the meantime”
“So Changmin didn’t hear any of the conversation?”
“No, why does it make you so worried anyway?” Jinki joked a little. “It’s not like we were conspiring against him!”
The stark look Taemin offered him clearly told the elder it was a more serious matter they were talking about. A sudden chill on his chest made Taemin somehow feel both ashamed and worried of how his hyung could react if Yunho hyung told him about Minji’s date. For one, he knew Changmin would worry since he was aware of Taemin’s actual sexual orientation.
And for two, it slightly made him feel bad…as if he somehow were betraying him. He wondered what was it that made him feel like a traitor. ‘Perhaps it’s because I turned down the food offer’ he thought.
“Alright so let’s get started” Jinki cleared up, unease evident in his voice. “I’ve brought you this wear shirt which you could use with this one blue cardigan…also I think you look good on skinny -real skinny jeans so I thought perhaps we could combine this neon blue and pink loose shirt with this one checkered jacket and these yellow tight-fitting trousers…and as for the clothes you shouldn’t worry; Minho, Jonghyun and I give you free access to the clothes in this house, plus the ones you brought by yourself it shouldn’t be any problem at all…so now back with the checkered jacket I was thinking of something more, original; see, I watched on this TV show that if you match the color palette adequately neon colors won’t end up being a damage to our visual sanity so…”
-
Taemin paced around quite nonchalantly, waiting for the girl to show up. They had agreed to meet nearly 1 pm on this side of the street, a vague ‘Look after a Flintstones Pebbles on the street!’ message on his inbox drifting through his mind every now and then. What did that even mean? He had no idea; turning around to the other side he was determined to walk a couple of meters away and look after Minji. Perhaps she had gotten lost around the complex and way too slim streets of this part of town, who knew.
Something then buzzed in his mind but he shrugged the thought off; a couple of seconds later he heard the sound of someone clearing up his throat. He turned his head back.
It was Minji. Wearing a loose white sweatshirt -that reminded him of a pajama set he had seen on a clothing store sometime ago -with a print of baby Pebbles on it -now the message made sense, black leggings and mint green converse, she looked as if she just got out of dance practice, which judging by the lingering sweet scent of watermelon around her, couldn’t be true. She looked fresh and excited, a light shade of pink colouring her upper cheeks. Taemin thought she looked very pretty.
“Hey” he turned to face her “You look good”
“I called out your name before” she started. “Guess you didn’t hear me, even though I was barely a few centimeters apart” Did that just sound like a reproach?
“It’s thirty four past one” Taemin replied, trying not to sound harsh as much as he could.
“Yeah” she mumbled “Sorry about that” she looked at the floor, pulling a few strands of hair from his face “I tried phoning you before, but my battery kind of died so…” she then started playing with her fingers, the nice nail polish blinking. Taemin held her hand down.
“It’s okay” he smiled reassuringly. “Let’s just enjoy this, okay?” Minji nodded. And Taemin felt slightly bad for letting her hopes rise up so soon, or for letting them rise at all.
Sometime later they were both located inside a burger joint. Minji flinched a little at the image of people eating what possibly could obstruct their blood vessels and make them die.
“Which combo do you want to pick?” Taemin asked her while looking at the menu held high above the cashiers.
“Are we…eating food from here?” Minji asked worriedly.
“Why not?” Taemin asked. “I thought it would be quite original…”
“Does your manager allow you to eat those?” she asked; voice low and bashful.
“Does yours?” Taemin asked back; a smile spreading through his lips as the youngster shook her head in a quick response. “Then I guess it will be our tiny little secret” he squeezed the youngest hand. He could feel Minji’s muscle hands tense up not long after that.
“What are you going to order, sir?”
Taemin smirked, giving Minji a mischievous look to which she responded frowning cutely.
“Yes, we’re having two number 12…with extra cheese and a extra large drink, please”
-
The rest of the day goes in a blur and Taemin finds himself having fun with Minji on a salad bar and later on in an exotic coffee shop. From what he could recall later on they basically spent their day laughing, taking photos and basically eating what their managers would die of fright if they were ever to look at. Suddenly it was 7pm already and Minji received a call from Chaerin.
“Oppa, I think I have to go now” she apologized. “I had a great time today, really…”
“I had a great time too, Minji yah” Taemin bowed. “Thanks a lot for this”
“I wish we could meet again sometime later”
“Me too…ring you up when I can?” Taemin offered. Minji nodded enthusiastically, both of them parted ways shortly after that, and Taemin wondered if that was what the rest of his normal classmates did every Friday noon at the mall, chilling with their friends. He had been too busy fooling around with Minji on the stores that he barely noticed his phone; a thousand missed calls from a few people, and a text from a certain someone.
‘Hyung told me everything about it…seriously, what are you trying to prove here? Why would you do that? Or are you on a new heartbreaker stage, ready to punch down every heart you can get your hands on, just like he did to yours?’
He sulked, snapping the phone close; the driver looked at him from the mirror with a worried gaze. He has had the most wonderful experience in a long while and now because of that sole text the day was now screwed. What was Changmin trying to say? Why did he even care? He was not the one who had to face this tough situation of falling in love with your absolutely straight band mate, what right of say did he ever have in this?
-
The unsaid ‘Why would you do that [to me]?’ lingered in the atmosphere as a vague rebuke of unvoiced feelings; he liked to think he was doing it for the sake of the one he loved most. It’s funny because he tried being the comprehensive hyung, the one who would be willing to listen and would be willing to forgive. But he has never been good with these things; unlike Yunho hyung, he lacked patience, and with every minor thing that contradicted his way of thought he was prone to outburst. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt like hell but still he craved the hurt. He craved the hurt because it could prove him he still harbored strong, good feelings towards anyone at all. He had fallen for other people before, but it wasn’t like this. Never had, never will again be as special as this. Taemin was special, he was special because he could be the outstanding clear white in a sheet full of blotches; the small, coy smile that could send him away, that would convince him of anything; Taemin could be the remaining neat on that dirty fishbowl in which even the fish had died a long time ago due the dirtiness. Amongst the confusing world spinning around him, Taemin was the one who stayed still, remained untouched, unclaimed, oblivious. The precious child in which he could see an exact replica of how he had been back in his debut days; the sweet smile, the caring persona, the extreme talent and the passion he could see in his eyes whenever he performed, as if he really loved this life and held no regrets of choosing this path.
‘Or are you on a new heartbreaker stage, ready to punch down every heart [my heart] you can get your hands on [the way I give mine to you], just like he did it to yours?’
Still, the young heart had started to rot, in a quick, poisonous way. He wasn’t quite sure of whom that person was, but his heart ached whenever he thought of Taemin getting stained forever, as if with permanent marker. He loved him; he wanted to open Taemin’s eyes so that he could see how much he loved the boy, and how ready he was of helping him heal his wounds. He knew that deep inside Taemin wasn’t rot at all, just rather confused. The fact he dated a girl shouldn’t have affected him much since he knew Taemin was gay, but it did nonetheless. It hurt more than having Taemin loving someone else that wasn’t him. Sometimes he hated society so much.
But foremost, he hated himself the most for being so coward. What was he even thinking when he fell for Taemin almost five years ago? Taemin had been twelve, almost thirteen and pretty new to the company and he had been seventeen, almost eighteen, and already being an insanely famous celebrity when he first saw him, immediately drawing more and more into his simple outfits and honest smile; even when he could have had anyone else, his heart chose Taemin and he couldn’t help but feel like a predator; just like that night when he accidentally walked in and saw his Junsu hyung staring at the recently printed photos of Kibum he had taken that morning; even the ink was fresh, he could tell by seeing how his hyung’s index turned black the moment he clutched the photo paper in a desperate attempt at hiding what he had been doing. Changmin felt sick because that was exactly what he had been doing with the fourteen year old Taemin whenever he came to train. Later that night he swore he wouldn’t do that never again.
He switched to the other side of the bed, making the bunk bed above move a little; his hyung groaned and told him to sleep already. He thought he should really sleep and get rid of all those disturbing images.
He later on dreamt of the blonde haired boy looking at him, smiling wholeheartedly. He kissed Taemin full on the lips and Taemin replied with a moan and a short I love you; his heart flinched and twisted and he felt it was actually bleeding, and woke up choking in his own saliva, with Yunho patting his back whispering an it’s alright, just breathe, into the dread of night.
-
“Is this seat okay?” The elder policeman asked Taemin, offering him the plastic seat near an entrance.
“It’s perfect. Thanks a lot, sir” the teenager replied with a sweet smile.
“Are you waiting for too long?” The policeman returned the smile.
“I hope I don’t” Taemin sighed, sinking into the plastic seat. The policeman merely looked at him.
“Are your parents getting a divorce, kid?” he finally asked.
“Huh?” Taemin raised his newly-colored blonde head. “Oh, not really…” he couldn’t hide the grin his lips formed at the thought of people always saying the Dong Bang Shin Ki members took care of SHINee in almost a paternal way. “I am just waiting for a friend to get out of a court session, sir”
“I see” the police officer took a seat as well. “Tell me,” he started “Are they really as bad as those people claim them to be?” Taemin blinked, at first startled but then catching up with the message, but how-?
“How did you recognize me, sir?” he asked as politely as he could, trying not to sound annoyed if the man turned out to be some journalist of one of those infamous gossip magazines.
“Kid, you are as flamboyant as them…the question should be ‘How did you not recognize me?’” the old man said, putting a strong, special emphasis on the ‘not’. Taemin tried to shrug the chill he felt down his spine off by laughing it off awkwardly.
“How am I sure you are not another one of those journalists who are desperately trying to squeeze into places like this? I mean, a bunch of them have been arrested for trying to enter the court session without any permission…how can I know you aren’t one of them in disguise?”
“It’s okay, kid…you don’t have to answer to that if you don’t want to”
“I-” he gaped. “I am not really sure if I should say anything on the matter”
“Like I said, it’s okay if you don’t wish to say anything on that matter” the old man shrugged. “It’s a pretty sensitive case if you ask me…both my niece and daughter used to be their fans when they were younger” the man looked far away as if lost in deep thought “They attended every single event they held, and man were they in love with the five all the same”
Taemin nodded.
“I hope the split didn’t disappoint them…it’s such a shame when you hear your group lost fans just for the actions one committed” he said, not sure if it was meant as an apology or rather just another comment.
“Don’t worry” the old man grinned. “It had already died down; eventually they forgot of it all as they got into university…still that doesn’t mean they weren’t shocked when the news first aired”
“I suppose so” Taemin agreed. “We all reacted the same…perhaps the tension could be sensed by spending time with them, but as for the rest of us, when we first learned about it we were shocked too” he sighed “We didn’t really see it coming” he then turned his head to face the man. “But I guess they don’t really have time to worry about these things…school must keep them very busy… in which school are they enrolled in?”
“Seoul University” the man revealed. “and yes, very busy indeed”
“I should congratulate them…they must be very smart”
“Yes, I think they are…and thanks, I should tell them some celebrity sends them his regards”
Taemin sighed, facing the floor.
“How old are you, kid?” the man asked.
“Seventeen”
“Sounds too young to be a celebrity, don't you think?”
“Yeah, I get that a lot…I’ve been out since fifteen”
“So…why did you decide to become one?” the man questioned again, and Taemin wondered if the man would keep on asking questions. “You must’ve started very early…”
Taemin smiled.
“Again, how am I sure you’re not a reporter in disguise?” he asked amused. “I mean, I have no intentions of being rude or anything, but you are a very curious old man”
“Well, I guess I am” the elder grinned back. “But it’s easier to kill some time this way” he shrugged sometime later. “You are still a minor, I should remain with you until those you’re waiting for arrive…In fact, I don’t know why they let you inside in first place; this isn’t a place for children”
Taemin sighed.
“I guess I just thought dancing was the only thing I could do without failing that much…I love dancing and I am grateful that I was born healthy and complete to do so because otherwise I would have gone nuts a long time ago…”
“Is that so?” The man asked.
“Yes, and I hold no regrets whatsoever”
“It’s good to know…that you don’t regret choosing that path” the man looked away to the big wooden door. “Do you think they regret their decision and that’s why they want out?”
Taemin shrugged; a thumping sound in his ears, a flinch in his guts.
“I don’t really know…” and that’s when it hit him. “I don’t really know that much about them, actually…never got the chance to actually approach all of them actually”
“You said you were waiting for one of your friends to go out…isn’t one of your friends one of them?”
Taemin sighed. Did he really could call Changmin and Yunho hyung friends? Did he know them that good? Did they consider him a friend too?
Yes, he said to himself. Yes, yes, an absolute yes. They were his friends, he loved them, and they loved him back.
“Yes…actually…two of them”
“The ones that don’t want out of all that?” the man asked.
“Yes” Taemin beamed.
Before any more things could be said, the big door creaked and a much smaller one opened; a crowd of people in black and grey suits got out of the room, all of them with a phone in hand; all of them looked fiery and upset, annoyed, angry to the nerves. Taemin stood up quickly, legs trembling a bit due the nervousness.
“I guess I got to go” the man whispered, amused “My name is Woojin, and if you happen to need anything, make sure to call me” Taemin smiled wholeheartedly.
“My name is Taemin, and it was a pleasure to talk to you”
“Hey, duck!” Yunho called. “What are you doing here? Did you wait for too long? Are you hungry?”
Taemin ran quickly to them, and whilst Yunho was happy that their youngest had decided to go out with them for a while, Changmin wouldn’t even talk to him.
“What’s wrong, hyung?” Taemin faced him on the restroom, when the two were finally left alone. Changmin shot him a glare that sent Taemin’s head an alarmingly chill.
“You just don’t get it, right? What did she ever do to you for you to break her heart like that?” he replied, walking away. Changmin ignored him for the rest of the evening, and Taemin’s heart broke. Yunho just tried to shrug off the dense tension built between the two.
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