Not Broken, Just Incomplete
A/N: Probably the hardest one I've ever written... It took me awhile. This is different from how I usually write. It's Jessica narrating... and it's as if she's telling the story to Tiffany. Sorry if it's confusing. My brain's all muddled. I'm so exhausted.-__-
NOT BROKEN, JUST INCOMPLETE
“Jessica…?”
A small beam of light slithered into my dark room as I heard my Mom’s voice.
Yup, I’m in college and I still live with my Mom. It was easier that way, but at the same time, it kinda sucked… sometimes. Most of the time, I’m always ignored.
And now, the fact that she spared some of her precious time to actually come to me, there’s already a big ‘WARNING’ sign plastered over her forehead. I limply sat up and prepared myself for a long lecture about not following curfew, not eating on time, etc.
So much for enjoying my solitude…
…
“Jessica…”
I looked up the moment I heard the soft tone in her voice. I even blinked twice just to make sure that it was her in front of me and not someone else. I was surprised, to say the least. To hear my name so softly spoken from her lips, it felt so new. It felt so foreign to me.
I ignored that small tug at my heart and put on a passive front.
“Something wrong, Mom?” I asked as I watched her sit on the bed beside me.
…
“Are you okay?” I brushed off the urge to smirk and shrug at that question. It’s funny how she asks but she never listens in the end anyway. It was just always her lame attempt to get me to talk.
“Yeah, Mom…” I answered dismissively.
Of course, that was a downright lie.
…
She let out an audible sigh. “Jessica… I know you don’t really talk to me about things, and I don’t normally ask how you are at school… but I’m not blind.”
Of course not, Mom. You just tend to ignore me a lot, after you managed to control my life.
I bit back my tongue and avoided my mother’s piercing stare.
“You barely go out anymore, except to hospitals for your OJTs and going to your group mates’ houses for group projects… Furthermore, you sleep right after you get home and wake up at ungodly hours to catch up on your schoolwork. That’s not healthy, Jessica.”
Tsk. Well, at least, she noticed those things.
I swallowed the bitter taste on my tongue and looked away.
…
I heard my Mom sigh again, and I knew that she was starting to get impatient with my lack of response.
And just when I thought she’d snap at me… she did something she’d never done before…
…
She held my hand.
I lifted my head and my eyes instinctively sought her face. I could hardly make out her expression in this darkness, but the warmth of her hand felt sincere.
There was that eerie tug at my heart again, and I felt guilt pounding at me.
But I forcefully ignored it all again… even though the lump in my throat was growing painful by the second.
…
“I’m really worried about you,” hearing those familiar words made the lump in my throat grow bigger, suffocating me with a vivid memory rushing through my thoughts. It was ironic hearing that from my Mom…
Oh, fate’s mockery is so fucked up.
My stomach was churning and the bitterness on my tongue was getting more intense. I felt like I’m gonna throw up from disgust.
…
“Is everything okay?”
No. Everything is fucking wrong.
My eyes suddenly began to water at the resounding answer in my head. Everything I’ve been trying to forget for the last few months came swirling into my head like a hostile tornado.
My heart thumped hard in my chest as a tear rolled down my cheek.
“Jessica?”
I took a deep breath and pulled my hand from my mother’s grip.
I didn’t want to talk about you. I just need to get rid of the black hole that you left in me.
I just need to forget you.
…
And so I lied again.
“I’m fine, Mom. You know what they say about 3rd year in college, always the toughest year. I’m just exhausted… with training and schoolwork.”
…
…
Just another big fat lie… Just another damn day failing to forget you…
~~~+~~~
“C-Can you pick me up, Mom? I feel so sick… p-please…”
“I can’t. I’m sorry, Jessica. I’m at your sister’s school play… It’s gonna start soon. I just can’t leave now.”
“But Mom -!”
“I’ll send over the driver to take you home, okay?”
“Fine.”
“Okay… then goodbye. Take care.”
I pressed the end call button and slid down the wall I was leaning on, tears traitorously streaming down my face.
I’m so exhausted from school events. My head was throbbing so badly. I felt so weak… rejected… and my heart hurts so much. I felt so alone in this empty classroom.
I felt like throwing up.
…
“Damn it!!” I screamed out in frustration as I let my head hang low, my arms around my knees.
…
And then you found me…
“You babo,” your warm arms instantly wrapped around my trembling form, no questions asked.
Even with this heavy feeling in my chest, I instantly felt safe and it amazed me just how quick you are in making me feel better. You always managed to calm me down in any situation. And at this moment, you knew just what to do.
Your presence was all I need.
…
“I’m so mad at you right now. Didn’t I tell you not to keep things from me?”
I felt guilty knowing that I broke the one rule we kept. I felt ashamed… and I wanted to pull away… but you only held me tighter while I cried. You weren’t gonna let go of me any time soon, and I didn’t mind.
I still had nothing to say, but I knew I didn’t need to because you understood me better than anyone else. I knew you’d still say the right words that I needed to hear.
…
“I’m really worried about you…” As cliché as it sounds, but your words comforted me in ways I can’t explain. They were like stitches of hope that kept my wounded heart from falling apart and giving up. You always worried about me. It has always been you who took care of me the most.
“You can’t always keep everything to yourself. I’m your best friend. If you have problems, I’m always here. I’ll always be here, Jessi…”
I never doubted you. I believed every word you said… and I appreciate everything you did.
“Come on… I’ll take you home…”
…
…
We were in our senior year in high school. We were still young to make big decisions…
…but I’ve never been surer about one thing: I wanted to keep you forever.
From the very start, you’ve forced your way into my confined heart… and I came to love you so much. You’ve become one of the most important people in my life…
I was sure my life would never be the same if you weren’t in it.
…
“You’re my one true friend, Jessi. We’ll always be together.”
That was your promise… your assuring words…
Words that made me feel warm and loved… Words that I engraved in my heart because I believed you…
…Now, they’re just words that hurt me every time I remember them… Words that made me feel bitter…
Words that turn out to be lies…
~~~+~~~
Looking back at the past years of our college life, I couldn’t pinpoint how our friendship came to this. I told myself again and again that we were still the same people we were before…
I stubbornly convinced myself that it was just the distance of our chosen paths in life… That it was just a phase, a wall that would disintegrate once we saw each other or talk to each other again… Then we’d be back to the way we used to be…
But thinking about it, I knew I was only fooling myself.
Our friendship was falling apart, no matter how much I tried to deny it.
…
It’s like you’re hanging on a cliff. I’m trying so hard to pull you up so you won’t fall… but it’s you who’s not trying. I’m tightening my grip on your hand… but your hands won’t even hold mine properly.
I’m selfishly trying to keep you from slipping away from me…
My impatience with your unresponsiveness keeps growing… but my determination to keep you is intensely greater…
My love for you always wins in the end…
…And that’s why I’ll continue to pull you up, no matter how long it takes.
~~~+~~~
“Yah, Sica…” my friend, Taeyeon, called me from a couple of seats away. She and our other friends were eating some snacks and just lightly chatting among themselves.
I looked over to them and just nodded in acknowledgement.
Like most of our classmates, I was just silently resting my brain after a mind-blowing Pharmacology test. It was the second day to our midterm exams, and our damn ruthless professors scheduled two major subjects for the day. Third year college literally sucks.
It was a great distraction, though. Studying and focusing on Pharmacology plus Medicine & Surgery 102 definitely takes your mind off everything else.
That is, until Taeyeon asked her question.
…
“Sica, are you going to the university Christmas party this Friday?”
I momentarily blanked out at the mention of that traditional annual party.
I’ve never attended one with Taeyeon and the others, because I always met up with my high school friends.
In all honesty, I hated huge parties… but for the past couple of years, I agree to attend the party for just one reason. And it’s you. Now, do I really wanna attend the one event that tremendously never ceases to remind me of you?
…
“Please tell me you’ll go with us this time, Sica!!” Yuri piped in, fortunately snapping me out my thoughts before it even started.
I pursed my lips for a second, before giving my reply.
“I’ll think about it, guys…”
~~~+~~~
I eventually ended up going to the damned party, thanks to Yuri who apparently asked my Mom to let me go even if I didn’t want to.
My college friends and I squeezed in with the bustling crowd of university students.
The university party was more like a festival - with an open concert, food stalls, mini games, different booths selling stuff, and whatnots. At the moment, a famous local band was about to perform on the huge stage that was set up at the middle of campus soccer grounds.
Of course, everyone wanted a good spot; hence the fact that we’re currently being squished amidst the crowd.
“I can’t believe you dragged me out of the house… literally,” I scowled at Yuri, who was standing next to me.
Yuri grinned at me as she placed an arm around my shoulder, and she dragged me forward with the rest. “You won’t regret this night, trust me,” she said.
Almost two hours have passed, and Yuri was indeed right. I was actually enjoying myself. The night was close to perfect… the cool night breeze, the moon in perfect contrast with the dark sky, the free sponsored food, the music, and the people I’m with. I was quite surprised that we’re still not exhausted, even after those challenging exams we faced just a few days ago. But I’m not complaining.
A few more minutes, and a slow song began as a different band now entertained the crowd.
…
And that’s when you texted me.
…
From: Tiff
Are you at the party? Let’s meet up?
I’m at the plaza, by the fountains.
…
“That’s your high school friend, right?”
I looked up to see Taeyeon smiling at me. She was the only one who knew about you when she saw us meeting quite a few times back in freshman year, and also this one time in our second year… She doesn’t know everything, just enough to deduce a few things. She doesn’t ask about it, but I know she knows just how much you mean to me.
“You should go,” she said.
“What about you and -”
“Yah, we’ll be fine…” she smiled again and hugged me. “Thanks for joining us, Sica. I’m glad you agreed to attend with us… But now, I think someone needs you.”
~~~+~~~
“I missed you, Jessi,” you wrapped your arms around me like you usually did.
It’s like nothing happened, and it doesn’t really matter to me. Knowing that you still saw me the same was enough to erase the past years of your sudden ‘on and off’ inexistence in my life.
To be honest, I hate just how quick you crumbled my resolve to confront you.
But knowing that you missed me… hearing that nickname from you… Those little things were enough to melt whatever ice that built up in my heart. The warmth of your embrace was enough to wash away the dwelling bitterness on my mouth.
I still love you, Tiffany Hwang… and you probably didn’t know just how much. I want to tell you properly, but the opportune moment still hasn’t come.
…
…
…
“I really missed you, Jess,” you said once more as we sat contentedly by the fountains.
I felt my lips curl into a smile - the most genuine one among all my smiles throughout the days without you.
“I missed you, too, Tiff… so much.” I replied, and with a wider smile, I hoped you know that what I say is the truth.
You smiled back at me, and I felt like my heart would break out my chest.
“How have you been?” you asked…
…and that was like the continuation of our cut-off story. It was the missing part linking the torn edges of book’s page.
…
…
And just like that, our friendship was back on track. Everything seemed normal, except for the tachypnea I experience every time you smiled and the tachycardia I couldn’t control every time your skin touched mine.
We never touched the topic about our lack of communication over the past year. The elephant hanging with us remained ignored.
Like I said, it didn’t really matter. But of course, the curiosity’s still there.
I wanted to know about all that’s happened to you during the times that we’re apart and minding our own lives…
Those times when I assume you’re busy because you never call or even text to say hi… Those times when you’d text me at 2 in the morning, but never reply afterwards… Those times when you call and say you felt lonely, but always reject my offers to meet up… Those times when I’d come to your rescue like a hero every time you’re drunk and call me to tell me you’re still in the campus for your night class…
Those were the times when you’d make your presence known and innocently stumble back in my life… and then you’d disappear again the next day as if we never existed in each other’s lives…
Kinda like now… although I’d like to believe that you’ll never leave me again. Oh, God knows how much I pray you wouldn’t.
My heart felt heavy every time I think about those. It begged to know about those hidden moments… but I didn’t ask. I wanted you to tell me because you wanted to, not because I asked you.
I’m willing to wait, Tiffany…
…
“If you have problems, I’m always here,” I told you the same words you told me back in senior high. Those were the same words I told you that time you were drunk. I confessed to you, you know… But you undoubtedly don’t remember, and that’s fine by me.
Out of the blue, a light bulb lit up in my head, and a neon sign flashed brightly in my brain: ‘This is that moment you’re waiting for, you idiot!’
“Tiff…” I started.
“Hmm…?”
“I…” my heart started to beat like crazy the moment you looked at me.
“…”
“I…” my mind blanked out, and the moment was instantly lost.
Right at that second, fireworks went off, painting the dark sky canvas with streaks of various colors and sparks.
I cursed myself for being a coward… but I shrugged it off. Maybe it was a sign telling me that it still wasn’t the time for that. After all, she just got back in my life.
…
“I care about you a lot, Tiff.”
“I care about you, too, Jessi,” you leaned your head on my shoulder, your arm looping through mine as you looked up to watch the fireworks.
At that moment, no more words were needed to be said.
…
I guess Yuri was really, really right when she said I won’t regret attending… because I really don’t regret even a minute of this night. This night was unforgettable just like every other moment I’ve spent with you.
This was the best night I’ve had in a while. It was a perfect Christmas present… a perfect ending memory to year 2009. I was completely happy again…
…Because, finally, it felt like you were tightening your hold on my hand.
I’m slowly gaining strength again and I’m slowly pulling you up from the cliff that’s keeping us apart.
Our friendship felt alive to me again… and I wished for it to stay that way.
~~~+~~~
Some wishes never come true, though… Just like how most promises are almost always broken or forgotten…
…
You never called the next day, the day after, the week after, the month after… not even the next months after I stepped into my senior year. Now, 2010 is almost at an end…
…and you’re still nowhere to be seen… nor heard.
You don’t even make your presence known with those random late texts of yours. I couldn’t feel you anymore. It’s like you faded… permanently. It’s like you only existed in my dreams, and I dreamed the whole idea of you.
You’re just… gone. You left me for the nth time, and now my hope stands on a blade’s sharp edge. It’s just too painful to hope for something now.
…
I can’t say I didn’t expect all those to happen after our reunion - or should I say farewell meeting?
I felt fooled and used… and I felt more hurt than ever.
My heart’s on fire, Tiff. But you would never know.
…
You’re just lifelessly hanging on the cliff again.
But now, I can’t even grip your hands properly…
…because my tears keep falling on to your hands.
I’m crying for you… Begging you to hold on and fight for me…
You’re slowly letting go… but I’m still holding on to you, Tiffany.
I’m still waiting and hoping.
…
I just don’t know how long I can keep this up.
~~~+~~~
A/N: On to the continuation.. Next entry.. Damn LJ wouldn't let me post everything in one entry..
NOT BROKEN, JUST INCOMPLETE
“Jessica…?”
A small beam of light slithered into my dark room as I heard my Mom’s voice.
Yup, I’m in college and I still live with my Mom. It was easier that way, but at the same time, it kinda sucked… sometimes. Most of the time, I’m always ignored.
And now, the fact that she spared some of her precious time to actually come to me, there’s already a big ‘WARNING’ sign plastered over her forehead. I limply sat up and prepared myself for a long lecture about not following curfew, not eating on time, etc.
So much for enjoying my solitude…
…
“Jessica…”
I looked up the moment I heard the soft tone in her voice. I even blinked twice just to make sure that it was her in front of me and not someone else. I was surprised, to say the least. To hear my name so softly spoken from her lips, it felt so new. It felt so foreign to me.
I ignored that small tug at my heart and put on a passive front.
“Something wrong, Mom?” I asked as I watched her sit on the bed beside me.
…
“Are you okay?” I brushed off the urge to smirk and shrug at that question. It’s funny how she asks but she never listens in the end anyway. It was just always her lame attempt to get me to talk.
“Yeah, Mom…” I answered dismissively.
Of course, that was a downright lie.
…
She let out an audible sigh. “Jessica… I know you don’t really talk to me about things, and I don’t normally ask how you are at school… but I’m not blind.”
Of course not, Mom. You just tend to ignore me a lot, after you managed to control my life.
I bit back my tongue and avoided my mother’s piercing stare.
“You barely go out anymore, except to hospitals for your OJTs and going to your group mates’ houses for group projects… Furthermore, you sleep right after you get home and wake up at ungodly hours to catch up on your schoolwork. That’s not healthy, Jessica.”
Tsk. Well, at least, she noticed those things.
I swallowed the bitter taste on my tongue and looked away.
…
I heard my Mom sigh again, and I knew that she was starting to get impatient with my lack of response.
And just when I thought she’d snap at me… she did something she’d never done before…
…
She held my hand.
I lifted my head and my eyes instinctively sought her face. I could hardly make out her expression in this darkness, but the warmth of her hand felt sincere.
There was that eerie tug at my heart again, and I felt guilt pounding at me.
But I forcefully ignored it all again… even though the lump in my throat was growing painful by the second.
…
“I’m really worried about you,” hearing those familiar words made the lump in my throat grow bigger, suffocating me with a vivid memory rushing through my thoughts. It was ironic hearing that from my Mom…
Oh, fate’s mockery is so fucked up.
My stomach was churning and the bitterness on my tongue was getting more intense. I felt like I’m gonna throw up from disgust.
…
“Is everything okay?”
No. Everything is fucking wrong.
My eyes suddenly began to water at the resounding answer in my head. Everything I’ve been trying to forget for the last few months came swirling into my head like a hostile tornado.
My heart thumped hard in my chest as a tear rolled down my cheek.
“Jessica?”
I took a deep breath and pulled my hand from my mother’s grip.
I didn’t want to talk about you. I just need to get rid of the black hole that you left in me.
I just need to forget you.
…
And so I lied again.
“I’m fine, Mom. You know what they say about 3rd year in college, always the toughest year. I’m just exhausted… with training and schoolwork.”
…
…
Just another big fat lie… Just another damn day failing to forget you…
~~~+~~~
“C-Can you pick me up, Mom? I feel so sick… p-please…”
“I can’t. I’m sorry, Jessica. I’m at your sister’s school play… It’s gonna start soon. I just can’t leave now.”
“But Mom -!”
“I’ll send over the driver to take you home, okay?”
“Fine.”
“Okay… then goodbye. Take care.”
I pressed the end call button and slid down the wall I was leaning on, tears traitorously streaming down my face.
I’m so exhausted from school events. My head was throbbing so badly. I felt so weak… rejected… and my heart hurts so much. I felt so alone in this empty classroom.
I felt like throwing up.
…
“Damn it!!” I screamed out in frustration as I let my head hang low, my arms around my knees.
…
And then you found me…
“You babo,” your warm arms instantly wrapped around my trembling form, no questions asked.
Even with this heavy feeling in my chest, I instantly felt safe and it amazed me just how quick you are in making me feel better. You always managed to calm me down in any situation. And at this moment, you knew just what to do.
Your presence was all I need.
…
“I’m so mad at you right now. Didn’t I tell you not to keep things from me?”
I felt guilty knowing that I broke the one rule we kept. I felt ashamed… and I wanted to pull away… but you only held me tighter while I cried. You weren’t gonna let go of me any time soon, and I didn’t mind.
I still had nothing to say, but I knew I didn’t need to because you understood me better than anyone else. I knew you’d still say the right words that I needed to hear.
…
“I’m really worried about you…” As cliché as it sounds, but your words comforted me in ways I can’t explain. They were like stitches of hope that kept my wounded heart from falling apart and giving up. You always worried about me. It has always been you who took care of me the most.
“You can’t always keep everything to yourself. I’m your best friend. If you have problems, I’m always here. I’ll always be here, Jessi…”
I never doubted you. I believed every word you said… and I appreciate everything you did.
“Come on… I’ll take you home…”
…
…
We were in our senior year in high school. We were still young to make big decisions…
…but I’ve never been surer about one thing: I wanted to keep you forever.
From the very start, you’ve forced your way into my confined heart… and I came to love you so much. You’ve become one of the most important people in my life…
I was sure my life would never be the same if you weren’t in it.
…
“You’re my one true friend, Jessi. We’ll always be together.”
That was your promise… your assuring words…
Words that made me feel warm and loved… Words that I engraved in my heart because I believed you…
…Now, they’re just words that hurt me every time I remember them… Words that made me feel bitter…
Words that turn out to be lies…
~~~+~~~
Looking back at the past years of our college life, I couldn’t pinpoint how our friendship came to this. I told myself again and again that we were still the same people we were before…
I stubbornly convinced myself that it was just the distance of our chosen paths in life… That it was just a phase, a wall that would disintegrate once we saw each other or talk to each other again… Then we’d be back to the way we used to be…
But thinking about it, I knew I was only fooling myself.
Our friendship was falling apart, no matter how much I tried to deny it.
…
It’s like you’re hanging on a cliff. I’m trying so hard to pull you up so you won’t fall… but it’s you who’s not trying. I’m tightening my grip on your hand… but your hands won’t even hold mine properly.
I’m selfishly trying to keep you from slipping away from me…
My impatience with your unresponsiveness keeps growing… but my determination to keep you is intensely greater…
My love for you always wins in the end…
…And that’s why I’ll continue to pull you up, no matter how long it takes.
~~~+~~~
“Yah, Sica…” my friend, Taeyeon, called me from a couple of seats away. She and our other friends were eating some snacks and just lightly chatting among themselves.
I looked over to them and just nodded in acknowledgement.
Like most of our classmates, I was just silently resting my brain after a mind-blowing Pharmacology test. It was the second day to our midterm exams, and our damn ruthless professors scheduled two major subjects for the day. Third year college literally sucks.
It was a great distraction, though. Studying and focusing on Pharmacology plus Medicine & Surgery 102 definitely takes your mind off everything else.
That is, until Taeyeon asked her question.
…
“Sica, are you going to the university Christmas party this Friday?”
I momentarily blanked out at the mention of that traditional annual party.
I’ve never attended one with Taeyeon and the others, because I always met up with my high school friends.
In all honesty, I hated huge parties… but for the past couple of years, I agree to attend the party for just one reason. And it’s you. Now, do I really wanna attend the one event that tremendously never ceases to remind me of you?
…
“Please tell me you’ll go with us this time, Sica!!” Yuri piped in, fortunately snapping me out my thoughts before it even started.
I pursed my lips for a second, before giving my reply.
“I’ll think about it, guys…”
~~~+~~~
I eventually ended up going to the damned party, thanks to Yuri who apparently asked my Mom to let me go even if I didn’t want to.
My college friends and I squeezed in with the bustling crowd of university students.
The university party was more like a festival - with an open concert, food stalls, mini games, different booths selling stuff, and whatnots. At the moment, a famous local band was about to perform on the huge stage that was set up at the middle of campus soccer grounds.
Of course, everyone wanted a good spot; hence the fact that we’re currently being squished amidst the crowd.
“I can’t believe you dragged me out of the house… literally,” I scowled at Yuri, who was standing next to me.
Yuri grinned at me as she placed an arm around my shoulder, and she dragged me forward with the rest. “You won’t regret this night, trust me,” she said.
Almost two hours have passed, and Yuri was indeed right. I was actually enjoying myself. The night was close to perfect… the cool night breeze, the moon in perfect contrast with the dark sky, the free sponsored food, the music, and the people I’m with. I was quite surprised that we’re still not exhausted, even after those challenging exams we faced just a few days ago. But I’m not complaining.
A few more minutes, and a slow song began as a different band now entertained the crowd.
…
And that’s when you texted me.
…
From: Tiff
Are you at the party? Let’s meet up?
I’m at the plaza, by the fountains.
…
“That’s your high school friend, right?”
I looked up to see Taeyeon smiling at me. She was the only one who knew about you when she saw us meeting quite a few times back in freshman year, and also this one time in our second year… She doesn’t know everything, just enough to deduce a few things. She doesn’t ask about it, but I know she knows just how much you mean to me.
“You should go,” she said.
“What about you and -”
“Yah, we’ll be fine…” she smiled again and hugged me. “Thanks for joining us, Sica. I’m glad you agreed to attend with us… But now, I think someone needs you.”
~~~+~~~
“I missed you, Jessi,” you wrapped your arms around me like you usually did.
It’s like nothing happened, and it doesn’t really matter to me. Knowing that you still saw me the same was enough to erase the past years of your sudden ‘on and off’ inexistence in my life.
To be honest, I hate just how quick you crumbled my resolve to confront you.
But knowing that you missed me… hearing that nickname from you… Those little things were enough to melt whatever ice that built up in my heart. The warmth of your embrace was enough to wash away the dwelling bitterness on my mouth.
I still love you, Tiffany Hwang… and you probably didn’t know just how much. I want to tell you properly, but the opportune moment still hasn’t come.
…
…
…
“I really missed you, Jess,” you said once more as we sat contentedly by the fountains.
I felt my lips curl into a smile - the most genuine one among all my smiles throughout the days without you.
“I missed you, too, Tiff… so much.” I replied, and with a wider smile, I hoped you know that what I say is the truth.
You smiled back at me, and I felt like my heart would break out my chest.
“How have you been?” you asked…
…and that was like the continuation of our cut-off story. It was the missing part linking the torn edges of book’s page.
…
…
And just like that, our friendship was back on track. Everything seemed normal, except for the tachypnea I experience every time you smiled and the tachycardia I couldn’t control every time your skin touched mine.
We never touched the topic about our lack of communication over the past year. The elephant hanging with us remained ignored.
Like I said, it didn’t really matter. But of course, the curiosity’s still there.
I wanted to know about all that’s happened to you during the times that we’re apart and minding our own lives…
Those times when I assume you’re busy because you never call or even text to say hi… Those times when you’d text me at 2 in the morning, but never reply afterwards… Those times when you call and say you felt lonely, but always reject my offers to meet up… Those times when I’d come to your rescue like a hero every time you’re drunk and call me to tell me you’re still in the campus for your night class…
Those were the times when you’d make your presence known and innocently stumble back in my life… and then you’d disappear again the next day as if we never existed in each other’s lives…
Kinda like now… although I’d like to believe that you’ll never leave me again. Oh, God knows how much I pray you wouldn’t.
My heart felt heavy every time I think about those. It begged to know about those hidden moments… but I didn’t ask. I wanted you to tell me because you wanted to, not because I asked you.
I’m willing to wait, Tiffany…
…
“If you have problems, I’m always here,” I told you the same words you told me back in senior high. Those were the same words I told you that time you were drunk. I confessed to you, you know… But you undoubtedly don’t remember, and that’s fine by me.
Out of the blue, a light bulb lit up in my head, and a neon sign flashed brightly in my brain: ‘This is that moment you’re waiting for, you idiot!’
“Tiff…” I started.
“Hmm…?”
“I…” my heart started to beat like crazy the moment you looked at me.
“…”
“I…” my mind blanked out, and the moment was instantly lost.
Right at that second, fireworks went off, painting the dark sky canvas with streaks of various colors and sparks.
I cursed myself for being a coward… but I shrugged it off. Maybe it was a sign telling me that it still wasn’t the time for that. After all, she just got back in my life.
…
“I care about you a lot, Tiff.”
“I care about you, too, Jessi,” you leaned your head on my shoulder, your arm looping through mine as you looked up to watch the fireworks.
At that moment, no more words were needed to be said.
…
I guess Yuri was really, really right when she said I won’t regret attending… because I really don’t regret even a minute of this night. This night was unforgettable just like every other moment I’ve spent with you.
This was the best night I’ve had in a while. It was a perfect Christmas present… a perfect ending memory to year 2009. I was completely happy again…
…Because, finally, it felt like you were tightening your hold on my hand.
I’m slowly gaining strength again and I’m slowly pulling you up from the cliff that’s keeping us apart.
Our friendship felt alive to me again… and I wished for it to stay that way.
~~~+~~~
Some wishes never come true, though… Just like how most promises are almost always broken or forgotten…
…
You never called the next day, the day after, the week after, the month after… not even the next months after I stepped into my senior year. Now, 2010 is almost at an end…
…and you’re still nowhere to be seen… nor heard.
You don’t even make your presence known with those random late texts of yours. I couldn’t feel you anymore. It’s like you faded… permanently. It’s like you only existed in my dreams, and I dreamed the whole idea of you.
You’re just… gone. You left me for the nth time, and now my hope stands on a blade’s sharp edge. It’s just too painful to hope for something now.
…
I can’t say I didn’t expect all those to happen after our reunion - or should I say farewell meeting?
I felt fooled and used… and I felt more hurt than ever.
My heart’s on fire, Tiff. But you would never know.
…
You’re just lifelessly hanging on the cliff again.
But now, I can’t even grip your hands properly…
…because my tears keep falling on to your hands.
I’m crying for you… Begging you to hold on and fight for me…
You’re slowly letting go… but I’m still holding on to you, Tiffany.
I’m still waiting and hoping.
…
I just don’t know how long I can keep this up.
~~~+~~~
A/N: On to the continuation.. Next entry.. Damn LJ wouldn't let me post everything in one entry..