i remember back to eighth grade when i was literally happy, and i get really discouraged.
you know what? i'm in a fucking mood.
i know this update should, according to all livejournal expectations, be about the first few weeks of school, but right now i just don't care. a lot of things have been going wrong lately. i'm not talking about silly, elementary problems that are really inadequate in the grand scheme of everything. no, i'm talking about fundamental principles of everything my life exists on. okay, so that's a bit dramatic, because while i think about everything that's gone sour in the past few months, i do have to admit that nothing has to do with my family or the true foundation of my existence. but in the small, sheltered, bubble of a world that high school is, things are wrong. dreadfully wrong. i'm not even talking about in school; cirricular matters don't deserve the light of day on livejournal, really. i'm talking about what's happening to those surrounding me outside of the institution. i'm talking about the corruption that goes so unnoticed it's scary.
i feel like i'm perpetually standing still and everybody surrounding me is scurrying in different directions. i feel like i'm watching this all happen, and even though i want to open my mouth and say something or protest, i can't be bothered. i know whatever i say at this stage in the game means nothing to so many people.
i'm a fucking shy person. when i say shy, you have to understand that this is a conditional kind of shy. it doesn't matter if you're really close to me (physically? mentally?) or if i don't know you from a scab on my knee; i hide so much of myself. i'm a coward in so many ways. not many people know that about me.
so because i'm so shy, i have this reservation about opening my mouth as everybody, in my aforementioned metaphor, is moving all around me as i stay still. i don't like opening my mouth. i sound stupid too many times, and i don't like when it's revealed that i'm not a very intelligent person. it's one thing if people don't accept me based on 1)pretenses that have a pretty much even chance of being either true or false; or 2)things i can't control, like physical ugliness. i can, however, control whether i sound intelligent or not. when i don't open my mouth, i'm far too often better-versed than when i do. so by not saying anything, i like to think that all these people can interpret my silence into entire speeches.
the thing is, people don't understand that. they don't look at me and read my mind, no matter how much i wish for that. it is my ultimate desire that people could read my mind, because i'm hindered by this intangible fear of sounding lacking or out of place. sometimes, in a moment needing nothing more than a word, i'd rather not say anything than put myself out there.
yeah, i'm fucking self-concious, too.
all of these things, i don't know, i guess they have soemthing to do with why i'm in a fucking mood. but they're not everything.
everything's just...so...complex.
i know this update should, according to all livejournal expectations, be about the first few weeks of school, but right now i just don't care. a lot of things have been going wrong lately. i'm not talking about silly, elementary problems that are really inadequate in the grand scheme of everything. no, i'm talking about fundamental principles of everything my life exists on. okay, so that's a bit dramatic, because while i think about everything that's gone sour in the past few months, i do have to admit that nothing has to do with my family or the true foundation of my existence. but in the small, sheltered, bubble of a world that high school is, things are wrong. dreadfully wrong. i'm not even talking about in school; cirricular matters don't deserve the light of day on livejournal, really. i'm talking about what's happening to those surrounding me outside of the institution. i'm talking about the corruption that goes so unnoticed it's scary.
i feel like i'm perpetually standing still and everybody surrounding me is scurrying in different directions. i feel like i'm watching this all happen, and even though i want to open my mouth and say something or protest, i can't be bothered. i know whatever i say at this stage in the game means nothing to so many people.
i'm a fucking shy person. when i say shy, you have to understand that this is a conditional kind of shy. it doesn't matter if you're really close to me (physically? mentally?) or if i don't know you from a scab on my knee; i hide so much of myself. i'm a coward in so many ways. not many people know that about me.
so because i'm so shy, i have this reservation about opening my mouth as everybody, in my aforementioned metaphor, is moving all around me as i stay still. i don't like opening my mouth. i sound stupid too many times, and i don't like when it's revealed that i'm not a very intelligent person. it's one thing if people don't accept me based on 1)pretenses that have a pretty much even chance of being either true or false; or 2)things i can't control, like physical ugliness. i can, however, control whether i sound intelligent or not. when i don't open my mouth, i'm far too often better-versed than when i do. so by not saying anything, i like to think that all these people can interpret my silence into entire speeches.
the thing is, people don't understand that. they don't look at me and read my mind, no matter how much i wish for that. it is my ultimate desire that people could read my mind, because i'm hindered by this intangible fear of sounding lacking or out of place. sometimes, in a moment needing nothing more than a word, i'd rather not say anything than put myself out there.
yeah, i'm fucking self-concious, too.
all of these things, i don't know, i guess they have soemthing to do with why i'm in a fucking mood. but they're not everything.
everything's just...so...complex.