House md fanfic - After Rachel's simchat bat - part 1
This story takes place at the end of the season 5 episode - Unfaithful. It opens at Cuddy’s house where the ceremony for Rachel’s Simchat-bat has just concluded.
The ceremony had turned out to be a very nice event. Rachel looked beautiful. Everyone had been appropriatly attentive to her, making a fuss and generally having a very good time. Even Lisa Cuddy’s sister, who had braved the icy roads to make it to the celebration, behaved herself. Why then, Cuddy wondered, did she feel so let down?
The only people left in the house at this late hour were her mother, who spending the night and had decided she would be the one to put her new granddaughter to bed , and James Wilson who was helping Cuddy clear away some of the left over plates.
"You know James you don’t have to do that. The caterers are sending around a cleaning crew in the morning. They’ll take care of all this."
Wilson put down the plate he was holding and looked closely at Lisa. He knew she was upset and didn’t want to leave her while she was feeling so sad.
"Lisa you know he would have come if he really thought you wanted him here."
" I know, -- that’s just it. I didn’t want him here. I mean I did, but I didn’t. Cuddy looked at Wilson with hurt and confusion on her face.
"I told him not to come." she confessed in a quiet voice.
"And now your surprised and disapointed that he listened to you?"
Wilson shook his head. He didn’t know what to make of her. She was certainly a match for House. At the moment he didn’t know which one was more screwed up. In fact, he thought, in the race for most screwed up person around, Lisa Cuddy and Gregory House, were neck and neck in his book.
"Well you hurt him" Wilson said. "I honestly think he wanted to be part of --- .
" Part of what, Jimmy? Rachel’s Simchat bat!? A religious tradition!? Come on, you know he would have mocked everything about this night."
Wilson shook his head sadly and gestured with his hand.
"No not this, he said, "or, not just this. - "You -- Rachel, all of it . I think he wants to be part of that. -- Part of your life. And I really believe he would have behaved himself tonight - for your sake."
Cuddy bowed her head. When she spoke her voice was low and caught in her throat.
"He is part of my life." she whispered. "He’s an important part."
Cuddy could see the doubt on Wilson face.
"Well you have a strange way of showing it," he said. " For someone who is supposed to be your oldest friend you sure do go out of your way to hurt the guy."
Seeing the pain on Lisa face Wilson quietly took two steps over to her and kissed her on the cheek. "It’s ok Lisa. House is a big boy. He’ll get over it and everything will go back to the way it was." With that Wilson walked over to the hall closet to retrieve his coat. As he walked out the front door he turned and saw that Lisa was still standing there, alone in the middle of the room, just as he had left her.
An hour later Lisa Cuddy found herself, in the middle of a snow storm, in the driver’s seat of her car, maneuvering around minor traffic accidents and stalled cars. Cuddy didn’t know what possessed her. She only knew that she had to see him. Now, tonight, before she had time to think things through. She was always thinking. Weighing the pros and cons. Doing what she thought made the most sense. But not tonight, tonight she could only think of him and how lonely she had felt in a house filled with her friends and family. She wasn’t sure of the reception he would give her, but she knew she had to try. She kept herself from thinking about what she would say to him when she got to his house by concentrating on driving through the icy streets.
Thank God her mother hadn’t asked too many questions when she told her she was going out. She seemed to know something was bothering Lisa all night. Cuddy suspected her mother might have some kind of idea of where her daughter was headed. Earlier that evening she had asked her where Gregory House was. Lisa lied and said he had an emergency at the hospital, but she knew her mother didn’t buy it. Lisa had been lying to her mother since she was 12 years old but somehow her mother always knew the truth, even if she didn’t call her on it.
Cuddy thought back to the conversation she had had with her mother the evening of the day she had discovered her old med school desk in her office. Her mother had been surprised to hear from her that day. She usually only called on Saturday mornings, but that she did like clockwork. When Lisa asked her about the desk her mother confirmed that it was indeed Greg House who had paid to have it taken out of storage and to get it refinished and shipped to her office. House had made Cuddy’s mother promise not to say anything and spoil the surprise. Cuddy had been shocked to hear that House had actually driven out to meet with her mother at the storage facillity. She said Greg had been very excited about the whole thing and acted like a young boy with a big secrete. Cuddy’s mother had laughed at the memory. When she asked her daughter if she had enjoyed her gift Cuddy told her it had made her very happy. But they both knew she was lying.
Cuddy knew her mother wanted to know what was wrong but she could never bring herself to discuss her feelings with her, or anyone else for that matter. She was a private person and she liked feeling in control. She had learned early on that being in control meant keeping a tight reign on your emotions. She knew that if she told her mother about her hurt and disappointment upon seeing House with that other woman she would lose the little control over her feelings that she had left. Just thinking about it now made tears well up in Lisa’s eyes. Between her tears and the icy snow falling down in sheets Cuddy knew she could no long drive safely. She pulled the car over to the side of the road. and waited. After a few minutes she slamed her hand down on the steering wheel. She was still a few of blocks from House’s apartment and a few miles from her own home. She was mad at herself for still being affected by the vision of House and that woman - together - so playful and animated with each other.
God what was she doing? she thought. Out in the middle of the night, in the middle of a snow storm. On her way to see House. House?! She should be safe at home with her daughter. Was she crazy? Only House could effect her like this. Only he could make her lose control . Cuddy got angrier by the minute. She thought about trying to drive home but she knew the roads had become too dangerous. She reached for her bag so she could pull out her cell phone and call a cab but realized, in her haste to run out the door, she had left her phone at home. Damn that James Wilson for making her feel guilty she thought and damn House too. Knowing there was nothing left to do Cuddy stormed out of her car and began walking the 4 blocks to House’s apartment.
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House sat alone in his empty apartment in front of the piano. He was composing a beautiful, but haunting, piece of music. Occasionally he would stop to sip his drink but for the most part he just let the music flow through his fingers and into the keys. As he played his head swirled with thoughts of Cuddy and of Rachel too, the baby she now loved so much she was willing to sacrifice everything for. By the throbbing pain in his leg House knew that he had spent hours like this, lost in the music, letting the notes give voice to the ache and the longing in his heart. He knew he needed to stop or the pain would be too much to bear. Just as the last note faded from the air House heaved a sigh and stood up. He downed two vicadins followed by the last sip of his scotch, turned and began to limp toward his bedroom when he heard the knock at his door. Leaning heavily onto his cane, House walked over and opened the door. In a strange way he wasn’t surprised at all to see her standing there. It was as if his serenade had summoned her to him.
Cuddy stood at his door. She was soaking wet and shivering, her bag in one hand and the heel of her shoe in the other. White snow covered her dark curls like lace and her blue eyes held in a storm of anger. House thought she looked absolutely beautiful. Still feeling the effects of the music and the thoughts that had provoked it, he took a full minute to realize that Cuddy was angrily staring at him, throwing daggers with her eyes. House quickly adjusted his own attitude, and more importantly the expression on his face, but in his head he had to smile to himself. Cuddy showing up at his door in the middle of the night, in the middle of a snow storm and pissed off was just so strange. He would never understand this woman and that was one of the many allures she held for him. No matter how long or how hard he studied her she would always surprise him. Finally she spoke.
"I’m soaking wet. It’s 20 degrees outside. And my shoe is broken." House tried to sneer back at her but the quarter smile on his face betrayed how amusing he was finding the situation. "Its 3 a.m. in the morning. My leg is throbbing. And I’m going to bed." He moved as if he were going to shut the door in her face.
"HOUSE!"
"CUDDY!"
"Damn it House, let me in."
House stepped aside so that Cuddy could walk by but as she did he made a big show of looking outside.
"What are you doing House?"
"I thought perhaps you had the rug-rat outside in a toboggan or something."
"RACHEL , is at home with my mother, who is spending the night."
"Oh ? And can I assume that that is why you felt the need to run over here and disturb my beauty rest. Mommy troubles?"
Cuddy gave House a dirty look.
House stuck his tongue out at her, looking just like the 6 year old boy he could be. He abruptly turned around, and walked into the bathroom leaving Cuddy standing there dripping.
When House returned he threw a large towel at Cuddy along with a Pink Floyd t-shirt and a pair of socks. Cuddy threw back the tee shirt with a smirk, "Don’t even think it House. I’m leaving my clothes on."
"Suit yourself" he said, as he limped off into the kitchen. House put a kettle of water on the stove to boil and took out a large red mug.. "Instant coffee or tea?" he called. Cuddy asked for tea. After a few minutes, House returned to the living room with a steaming mug of tea in one hand and his cane in the other. Cuddy was still standing in the middle of the floor dripping a small puddle onto it, even though she had done her best to try and dry off. Her hair, made even darker looking by the melted snow, was curling wildly around her shoulders. She had taken off her soaked coat and shoes but the blue dress she had on, clung to her wetly. The socks House had thrown at her were now on her feet bunched up around her thin ankles. Strangely, the combination of the bulky socks and the wet blue dress made a very appealing picture. House looked down at her sopping dress pointedly and shook his head. "You can’t sit on my couch all wet." Cuddy gave him a cold stare. "Cuddy at least take off the dress. You can wear my robe. It will cover you from your neck to your toes. And I’ll make a solemn promise to not abuse your virtue. House looked down and to the side. "Its hanging behind the bathroom door," he said. Cuddy took a slow breath and walked into the bathroom.
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When Cuddy emerged from the bathroom warm, for the first time in over an hour she saw that House was in front of the piano quietly playing a few strands of music. He was seated to one side of the piano bench. A steaming cup of tea and a freshly poured scotch were placed next to each other on top. Cuddy began to feel the anger in her recede. House’s robe made her feel warm and strangely safe, almost cared for. His scent lingered on the robe. It smelled of clean soap and wood smoke. House didn’t look up. He patted the bench beside him and continued to play a light melody. Cuddy hesitated but decided to take up his offer. They sat like that side by side legs barely touching for several moments. Without looking up House said,
"So do you want to tell me what I owe the pleasure of your late night visit to?" Cuddy hesitated than answered, "My car is parked 4 blocks from here and the roads have gotten too dangerous to drive on."
"That’s a description, not an answer to my question." he said. But he knew for now that was all he would likely get.
" I called your mother to let her know you were safe and that I’d get you home in the morning when the roads were cleared."
Cuddy could feel the anger in her rise again and she began to frown.
"And just who gave you permission to do that? And I am most definitely not staying the night."
"Didn’t think I needed permission to call your mother. I didn’t want her to worry. She and I have an understanding with one another."
"Yea I heard about that."
House looked over at Cuddy sharply but didn’t say a word. He could see she was mad at him yet again. Seeing her sitting there, all fierce anger and defiance, despite how tiny and lost she looked in his robe, made him think of a kitten getting ready to pounce on an unsuspecting bull dog. House thought he could happily spend days fighting with her, weeks even. Hell, lately he’d been thinking he could spend a lifetime bickering with her, amongst other things of course. But, he recognized that she wasn’t there yet and perhaps she never would be.
"You know you came to my house and woke me up. I should be the one whose mad. There I was innocently sleeping in my bed when a crazy woman comes banging on my door seeking shelter."
Cuddy squinted at him trying to decide just what his blue eyes looked like in this light. Sometimes they reminded her of the ocean ,stormy and dangerous, just at sunset with the light reflecting off it. Giving them all crazy angles and making a person dizzy. Other times they looked as clear blue as the endless sky revealing nothing, hiding all. Tonight they looked like a lake reflecting back whatever was near.
"House" she said, "you weren’t sleeping. I heard you playing the piano before I knocked on the door."
That shut him up quickly. He didn’t want her asking any questions about that. Not now anyway. He was still hurt by her behavior toward him. He didn’t quite trust her not to hurt him yet. But still, she had come out in the middle of the night, in the middle of a storm and she did have the guts to actually knock after getting that far. It made him think of how brave she could be sometimes. In someways she could be braver than him. Recognizing that she was still agitated House decided to play her some Shulbert. As much as he wanted to, and he wanted to badly, he knew that he just couldn’t play the serenade he had written for her, not yet anyway, but he hoped the Shulbert would calm her and give her the peace she needed, and the recognition of the truth he hoped for.
Cuddy slowly sipped her tea as House played. She watched the way his elegant hands drifted up and down the keyboard. She couldn’t help but let herself imagine what else those hands could do. Where else they might drift to if she encouraged them. Cuddy’s mind wondered until she became aware that her heart was beating faster than it had a right to. Sitting like this, close, yet not quite touching wasn’t helping matters. The music was so beautiful it had a transporting effect on her. It made her almost forget that it was House she was sitting near. House who was playing a piece of music so beautiful it could only be described as a love song. She knew if she were being honest with herself she’d have to admit that he had always had a physical effect on her. Even way back when she was a hardworking undergraduate and he was the infamous Greg House, achieving greatness without seeming to do a lick of work. He had pursued her then. As, she imagined, he had pursued so many of the other females in the school. A few women professors too, if she remembered correctly. Sometimes she had doubted the rumors about him. But since he had never tried to deny them she had no choice but to believe what people had said. He was the Teaching Assistant in two of the classes she took and he would also tutor her every Monday evening. He was brutal to the students in the class, herself included, sometimes worse than the actual professors, mocking any thoughtlessly wrong answer. But he had a brilliant way of allowing the students to make their own discoveries and connections to the course work. In this way he was almost always better than the professors. You just had to make sure you kept up because if he thought you were being lazy, or unnecessarily stupid he would end up leaving you regretting you had ever set foot out of bed that morning. But on Mondays he was different.
On Monday’s he’d walk into her dorm room laughing and full of pranks. He’d always find her sitting at her desk, where she spent the better part of her four years in the school. A huge pile of books and papers in neat piles covering most of the top surface. "Lets go Cuddy" he would say, he was the first one to call her that and it used to make her smile to hear her last name spoken with that rough voice of his. "Time for a change of scenery." Cuddy remembers that she would just shake her head and say, no. Between the voice and those penetrating blue eyes she knew she’d be in trouble if she let him get too close. House always smiled when he saw her but Cuddy could swear she could see something else in his eyes when he thought she wasn’t looking, some kind of pain she just wasn’t prepared to deal with.
No matter how many times she turned him down it was inevitable that the next Monday he would be back trying again. The first 10 minutes or so of every one of their study sessions he spent trying to get her to take some kind of bait or another. The two of them bantering back and forth. It’s where they first developed their ability to snark at each other with out causing any real pain. And that’s how it went every Monday evening until he left to pursue other degrees elsewhere. Years later when they met up again they seemed to pick up on that special way of being together again, as if they had never missed a beat. Only lately, things were different. Had those long standing rules between them changed? Or was it they themselves who had changed? She didn’t know for sure all she knew was that she had began to hurt him and the truth of it caused her great shame.
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As House played through all his favorite Shulbert pieces he became aware of Cuddy finally relaxing. He could physically feel the tension leave her body. A quick look over and he realized that she had drifted away. Her mind was somewhere else, not here with him anymore. It made him sad in a way but it also allowed him the privacy he needed to play the serenade he had written for her. With the knowledge that she was only half listening to him, lost in thoughts of her own, he began to play Cuddy’s Serenade without conscious thought. He played so that the music could tell her all the things he could not. He played so that she might, in someway, hear what was in his heart. House let the notes describe his longing for her, his desire and his regret. He played out his hopes and his doubts and the fear he had of losing her. He let the music tell the secret of how badly he wanted to be a part of the life she was making with Rachel and the secret of how scared he was that she had no room left for him. The notes told of a pain so deep he was sure there was no cure for but also of a hope he fought with everyday to keep alive. With the last note on the piano fading, the room filled with a deep silence. House and Cuddy both slowly came back to themselves.
While he had been playing Cuddy had unconsciously leaned into House. Her robe had fallen slightly open and her bare thigh was now pressed up against House’s good leg. House and Cuddy became acutely aware of each other’s presence. A quick glance from House confirmed that Cuddy was flushed and her breath was quickening. House felt a tension in his stomach that quickly traveled lower. He shifted slightly in order to ease the swelling that was becoming embarrassingly apparent. House felt Cuddy’s warm blue eyes on him. He stared back thinking how mesmerizing she looked. After a moment House leaned over to take a drink of his scotch thereby breaking their trance. He stood up to rub his leg and downed another vicadin.
Cuddy’s eyes drifted around the room gradually returning to the piano She noticed a small velvet box which sat on top. House saw what Cuddy was looking at and slid it over to her. In a voice that was only slightly raspier than usual House said, "It’s a gift for Rachel." Cuddy’s heart skipped a beat. For a second she froze, unable to move or breath. She didn’t know how to react. The cruel words she had spoken to House when she told him she didn’t want him at the ceremony flashed into her head. "Relax," House said, reading her expression "It’s not for you. It’s for the kid. There’s no need to panic and get all guilt ridden about it" Cuddy tried for a smile. "Then maybe I should just wait until she’s old enough to open it herself." Her lame attempt at a joke fell flat and the shrug of House’s shoulder told her to suit herself. Not knowing what else to do Cuddy picked up the velvet box and opened the lid.
Inside was a beautiful, garnet encrusted ,antique, hamsa with Hebrew writing on it. Cuddy swallowed hard as she looked at it. She recognized that it was an expensive and very meaningful gift. Cuddy ran her finger over the words almost reverently, It had been years since she studied Hebrew but something told her House was probably fluent in it. "What does it say?" she asked in a quiet voice. House screwed up his face as if to say how should I know, but when Cuddy softly said "please" House took the gift from her hand and read the words. His deep, raspy voice, which often sent tingly shivers down Cuddy’s spine, was now piercing her heart like a knife. House read aloud. " It’s called the Blessing Of The Baby and it says Bless this newborn baby who will bring joy and happiness into your life. Whose precious smile will light and make your home bright." Cuddy’s head was bowed and the lump in her throat was cutting off her breath. A tear slowly travel down her face. House reached over to her and gently wiped it away with his thumb. Taking her hands in his, he softly asked for the second time that night "Why did you come here?"
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Cuddy thought she knew what House wanted to hear. What he probably needed to hear. She just didn’t know if she could give it to him, or if she trusted him with it if she did. It had been such a long and emotional day. Hell, it had been a long and emotional 4 months. The pressures of the last 16 weeks came crashing down on her. The excitement of finally getting a baby after years of trying, closely followed by the difficulties of bonding with her and the guilt about going back to work - of admitting to herself that she actually wanted to go back to work. On top of that was the confusion she felt over her growing feelings for House and her insecurities concerning how he really felt toward her. Cuddy knew that she had been acting very badly toward him and the guilt she felt over it now was too much for her to bear. She began to cry in earnest.
House looked at her stunned. He didn’t know what to do so he thought he’d better just let her cry it out. Forgetting his cane which leaned, neglected, against the piano, House guided the weeping Cuddy over to his couch. He sat her down and covered her with a blanket he kept handy. He then limped into the bathroom, holding onto the wall as he went. House came limping back with a box of tissues in his hand which he placed next to her. He grabbed his almost full glass of scotch off the piano and insisted Cuddy take a few sips. Having done everything he could think to do House stood, hoovering over her for a moment, his large blue eyes betraying his fears. When he realized she was unable to gain control of herself House sat down next to Cuddy and pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly against his chest. As Cuddy’s crying eventually began to slow down to the occasional hiccup, House blew out a sigh of relief and let her go.
Cuddy shyly looked over at House and gave him a shaky smile. She knew emotional displays, especially deeply felt messy ones, scared the hell out of him. He didn’t understand them, and he didn’t think he knew how to handle them, but lately Cuddy had come to realize that House actually had nice instincts when it came right down to it. House started to rise but Cuddy’s hand stilled him. House had decided that he was through pressuring her for the night. She was obviously too emotionally distraught to talk about her feelings and what had prompted her to come to him, and he certainly didn’t want her to start crying again.
"I’m going to get you a pillow Cuddy. I think you should try to sleep for a few hours." Cuddy took a shaky breath and said, "No I’d rather not go to sleep if you don’t mind. Will you stay and keep me company? House gave Cuddy a weary look but resettled himself next to her. He hoped she wasn’t about to start another game. It had been a long and emotional day for House too and there were certain games he was tired of playing with her.
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The apartment was warm so Lisa kicked off the blanket that had been covering her. The only thing keeping the robe she was wearing closed, was the cloth tie in the middle. House couldn’t help but notice how the bottom part of the robe had again opened up to expose Lisa’s long, silky looking, legs. Although he was itching to touch her House carefully kept his hands still and on his own lap. Cuddy looked over at House’s hands remembering the beautiful way he had played the piano for her and that special, mesmerizing composition she had heard for the first time tonight. Cuddy reached over and gently ran her fingers over one of House’s large hands. His hands, which could make such heart stirring music, could she knew, stir up so much more in her. Cuddy’s touch made House shiver. He watched the way her small, delicate fingers played over his large ones. He watched as she turned his hand over in his lap and made small, concentric circles on his palm. He closed his eyes and stopped watching when she let her hand, with those beautiful, delicate and talented fingers wonder off his hand and onto his lap to begin a slow steady rhythm of soft stokes across his thigh.
God, she was driving him crazy. It took all his strength of will to not reach over and pull her close to him. To not run his own hand up that silky thigh of hers. He knew he had to stop her soon or just give in and enjoy it, enjoy her. He wanted her, that he couldn’t deny. But she was fragile right now. She had been through too much too quickly and her feelings were too confused. House knew he had to be careful. There was too much at stake this night. Too much he could loose. Argh, why was she doing this? Well he knew why, but why was he letting her? And why in God’s name did he feel that he had to stop her!?
Cuddy’s hand continued stroking House’s thigh, each stroke just a bit firmer and getting just a little closer to its final destination. Her other hand meanwhile had wondered up his arm and around to his back where her fingers were lightly running up and down his spinal cord send small shivers through his whole body. House took a deep breath trying to slow down his pulse rate and fight his shallow breathing. This was the only thing he was sure that she wanted from him. Everything else was just a big question mark. It was also the one thing he knew he could give her without a struggle. The only problem was he wanted more and the only way he could get it was to stop her. Now.
Using the table for leverage House awkwardly lurched to his feet. Closing his eyes he silently counted down from 10 in six different languages before he was finally able to feel in control enough to speak. When House opened his eyes, Cuddy’s ,knowing smirk almost caused him to change his mind. God he would like to make her squirm he thought. And it would be so easy too. Between her need and her guilt he knew he could own her. It would be easy, and fun and end up sooooo badly. He made a silent vow to himself that one day soon he would teach her exactly what it felt like to be driven to the brink of insanity. But not yet. Not now. Now there were even more important things that House wanted from her and he was not going to allow himself to be dissuaded. House took a breath and mentally crossed his fingers
"You need to tell me exactly why you’re here," he said, "or you need to get out. Your choice Cuddy."
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Ok Cuddy thought, that’s something I didn’t expect. House pushing her away, jumping to his feet like that. When all she wanted was... well apparently just what he wanted. Cuddy had to smile when she saw him trying to gain control of himself, of his body and emotions. She could have him now if she wanted to force the issue. Take control. She knew that and the knowledge of that truth allowed her to feel a small, tingling surge of power. How easy it would be to push him over the edge, force him to bend his will to her. To have House surrender to her. aarrrrrgh , this was so frustrating. Why was he pushing her away when all she wanted was to be close to him? To feel his arms around her. To make him feel good and cared for and loved and to feel that way herself. Cuddy mentally shook her head. She recognized the strange duality of her thoughts. House could always do that to her. With him she was either feeling fiercely protective or strangely combative, fighting with him for the upper hand. Lately she was swinging back and forth between these two emotions so quickly it was making her head spin. She needed to find a stable center. They needed to or they’d be lost in this crazy vertigo forever. Cuddy realized that she would have to talk to him. Had to try to explain things she wasn’t even sure of herself yet. Not because of his threat- that was totally laughable. So unworthy of House. She must have really gotten to him. He wasn’t even thinking like himself. Never make a threat your not prepared to follow through with and she was pretty sure he would never throw her out into the middle of a blizzard. Well, 99% sure anyway.
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The atmosphere in the room changed quickly. It was like a freak storm violently blowing in on a perfectly clear day. House was frustrated by Cuddy’s antics. Cuddy resented House for pushing her to go where she felt ill-prepared to venture
House glared down at her. "Ok Cuddy talk or walk. Your choice."
Cuddy stood up.
House growled "Tell me why you came here?
Cuddy squinted her eyes at him. "Tell me why you sent for my old desk?"
House was taken aback by her change in tactics. He tilted his head and snarled.
"I didn’t even know you noticed it.
Cuddy winced. "Why House? Why the desk?" she spat out.
"I asked you first. Answer my question." was his rapid retort.
Cuddy stood there silently. House angrily picked up her bag and coat and shoved them into her hands.
"House, you know why I came here tonight damn it"
"Tell me!"
" I was sorry for the way I treated you."
"That’s it?"
House took two steps over to Cuddy forcing her to crane her neck to be able to look him in the eye. His intense stare never left her face.
"I wanted to apologize." she ground out.
"Which is why you stormed into my house like an angry squatter. I know that’s the way I always apologize."
" Who are you kidding? She sneered. You’ve never apologized for anything in your life."
Two pairs of blues eyes flashed anger, fighting over dominance.
"I have nothing to apologize for!" I’ve been very patient and ..
"Nothing? Nothing!? You call grabbing my breast when I’d made myself vulnerable to you, nothing !?’
" Vulnerable?? House looked incredulous. " You didn’t make yourself vulnerable. You made yourself available!"
"House!"
"Just like tonight."
Cuddy dropped her coat and bag onto the floor and shoved past him , causing House to stumble into the coffee table. She ran into the bedroom and slammed the door.
House grabbed his cane and quicky loped after her. He shouted through the door. "Answer the damn question Cuddy! Why the hell are you here?"
Cuddy jerk the door open almost causing House to fall again.
"I DID! I SAID, I WAS SORRY!"
"SORRY! THAT’S IT? SO WHAT WAS TONIGHT SUPPOSED TO BE? A GUILT LAY FOR THE POOR CRIPPLE! KEEP YOUR APOLOGY. I DON’T WANT YOUR F**king GUILT, I NEVER DID."
Cuddy looked stunned and incensed. "Is that what you think? Is that how you think I see you? As some kind of pathetic cripple?"
House looked down and took a deep breath. "No." he said. And both, recognizing the absolute truth in that one word answer breathed a bit easier.
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When he looked up again House could see Cuddy had her back braced against the wall her hands splayed out on either side of her for the additional support. Her head was bowed and her hair was all wild curls. The robe, which had practically falling off her during her hasty retreat, was completely opened in front. The only purpose the white tie now served, which hung low on Cuddy’s naked hips, was to look like the belt of an exotic belly dancer. House could see every curve that a front view afforded and was completely unable to pry his eyes away from her perfectly sculptured body. He knew he was in deep trouble. "Lisa," he croaked.
Cuddy looked up to see the glazed look in House’s eyes, coupled with a silent plea. She stared back. Her own eyes filled with questions. She took a deep, steading breath causing House’s own breathing to speed up exponentially. A small look of regret passed across her face. Without breaking the stare Cuddy carefully reached down and pulled the robe closed. Neither of them moved. Both were frozen by the thoughts of what could have been and with the words which needed to be spoken first. The silence flowed around them, filling every corner of the room. Through the window the faintest beginning of daybreak could be seen.
Finally, with her voice pitched low, she spoke. "Ok," she said, " I’ll go first." I did want to come here and apologize. I felt horrible about what I had said. But that’s not all," she said quickly, when she saw the impatient look pass across House’s face. "I spent the whole night of Rachel’s Simchat -bat thinking about you. Every time the doorbell rang I answered it and hoped it would be you. And when it wasn’t, I was filled with such disappointment. I can’t tell you how many of my relative now think I don’t like them." she added. Just then for only the briefest of seconds House rewarded Cuddy with what only she would recognize as a smile.
Cuddy continued "I want to explain about why I told you I didn’t want you there, or at least why I think, I said I didn’t want you there." House interrupted her." Well that’s easy, Cuddy. "It’s because I’m an insensitive jerk, who would have ruined the whole affair. " Cuddy’s face reddened.
" No, House. You are not a jerk - well not all of the time anyway, and not lately really" she smiled. "And, you are certainly not insensitive. You are the most sensitive person I know." House looked at her doubtfully but let her continue. "Beside " she said, "most of the people were friends from the hospital and they know how you are, and my mother knows you, and strangely enough likes you. And well if you had pissed off my sister that would have just earned you bonus points. So that’s not it. I know you would have behaved, she conceded - for my sake anyway."
Houses mouth formed a frown. "And yet you still didn’t invite me,"
House’s look, still filled with pain, was getting more impatient. Cuddy looked at the floor to avoid his eyes. "House, you’re my friend. you’re my dearest friend. I have always loved you - even when you made me hate you. I loved you." House frowned further at Cuddy’s faulty logic. She bravely continued on. "But lately, lately I want more, and yes, I know you just think I have the "hots" for you - but it’s not that, or rather its not just that- because I do - have the hots for you, I mean - that is. I know you know that already. Cuddy’s face had gone through several shades of pink during the conversation and was now definitely approaching deep red. "But you have the hots for me too and you can’t deny it" Cuddy gestured toward him with her hand. For once the smile on House’s face did not need the skills of a detective to be found. Try as he might he couldn’t hide how amusing he was finding her embarrassment. But, for her sake, he did make an extra effort to hold in the laugh that threatened to escape. Cuddy hid her face in her hands and groaned. After a moment she continued. "But, ah, it’s more than that physical attraction. I think, I think - well I’m pretty damn sure I’m in love with you and its scaring the hell out of me." she was finally able to blurt out. If Cuddy had looked up at that second she would have seen his face full of joy. The look in House’s eyes echoed the smile on his face. He reached out to pull Cuddy to him.
Cuddy put her hand against his chest to stop him.
"No, she said determinedly, "Your turn."
House looked down at Cuddy’s arm with surprise. He had fought all night with her to get her to open up. To admit to feelings he had prayed were there, but had feared might not be. In his low gravelly voice House spoke to her.
"Cuddy you have just confessed you love me. You admit you want me, and, like you said, you obviously know I want you, and now you don’t want to kiss me. House shook his head. "I’m beginning to understand why your relationships never last long. I can see this is going to be a lot of work."
"Yea and we all know how you feel about work." Cuddy quipped back.
House smiled at Cuddy. He was relieved to see they were still able to snark at each other after all the emotions they’d been through. But he knew that’s not what either of them really wanted at that moment.
Cuddy was all jagged nerves and heightened senses. For the first time in her adult life she had been forced to admit to needing someone . Forced to admitted, to both him, and herself, that she was in love. With him. With House. She was in love with House. House. Letting go of years of denial both lightened her spirit and terrified her. She needed time to sort through all her emotions. It wasn’t for no reason that she had fought this from the time they had met. She was pretty certain he loved her. Didn’t think he’d ever be able to say it though, but she was ok with that. She knew how loyal he was. She knew how deep his feelings went and all the defense mechanisms he used to deny them. None of that matter to Cuddy. House was House. He always would be and she was more than fine with that. She also knew he needed her. She had known that for sometime now. Even before he did. And she knew about his deep pain. Over the years she had given him what she though he needed to fill some of that need, to ease some of his pain but she was scared it would never be enough. She was also scared of being hurt. He was the only person who had the ability to hurt her deeply. To injure her right to her soul. Like he had when he told her she would make a terrible mother and, more troubling to her, like he did with the desk. Cuddy wanted time to think. She wanted her turn to ask questions. But it didn’t look like House was going to play fair. She knew he was going to kiss her and she felt powerless to stop him and confused about whether she wanted to.
House looked down at Cuddy’s hand, the long tapered fingers with the perfectly polished nails positioned like a barrier against his pounding heart. He let his eyes travel up her elegant arm and come to rest on her face, that beautiful face with those ever changing eyes. Eyes that had tethered him to her for so many years now. Staring deeply into them, House let Cuddy see the need and desire that filled him. He reached down and took Cuddy’s hand off his chest and into his own hand. He traced small circles in her palm, mirroring what she had done to him earlier. He then laced his large fingers with her small delicate ones and brought her arm up above her head pinning it against the wall. House’s other hand held tightly onto his cane for balance.
He knew he needed this to happen. Knew it was going to happen. The way Cuddy looked, staring up at him, vulnerable because she’d finally admitted the truth about her feelings. The way her lips looked, slightly parted in anticipation, the quick little dart her tongue made across those sweet lips. There was no way House wasn’t going to kiss her..touch her.. have her now. House bent low, barely letting his lips graze hers, slowly reaching in for more contact and then pulling away at the last possible second. Cuddy shivered, wetting her lips with her tongue. House came even closer, biting her lower lip with his teeth then running his tongue along the same sensitive area. Cuddy moaned and he covered her mouth with his own. Feeling the pressure of his lips against hers, House let himself savor her taste. He let his tongue explore at will and was thrilled to feel Cuddy’s own tongue do the same. The kiss deepened and House admitted to himself that he’d love to take her right here against the wall, but his bad leg ruled that out. He knew he would have to stop soon, but only for the amount of time it would take to move into the bedroom. He just couldn’t seem to find the strength to pull away from her yet. Her tongue in an exotic dance with his own, was driving him insane. House was in a fog. The world had disappeared and there was nothing else but this. Nothing else but her and this incredible kiss. He let go of her hand and without conscious thought his own move under the robe to explore her body.
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House was suddenly, and jarringly, brought back to his senses when his cane flew out from under him. He lost his balance and crashed painfully against the wall. His shoulder caught the brunt of the force. What the F**k happened?! Had she just kicked his cane out from under him?!
"CUDDY! WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT???? He yelled. " House straightened out by pushing himself against the wall. He bent down and grabbed his fallen cane.
House was going to kill her. Cuddy knew it and she didn’t blame him. She didn’t know what possessed her. Just a feeling of self preservation - of not finding any other way to stop what was happening between them. God her heart was racing so fast and her hands were actually shaking. She though this is what a panic attack is supposed to feel like. She didn’t know what was wrong with her. She liked sex. She was good at sex. She liked House. Why was getting this exactly right so important to her?
House slammed his fist against the wall in anger and frustration. He took a deep breath and tried to process what had happened.
He was mad but he knew anger, just like all other emotions, clogged his thinking processes. He turned and stared at Cuddy. Her eyes were as big a saucers and she looked as if she were holding her breath. He tried to gage what was going on. He had felt her physical response to him so it wasn’t some kind of evil way to let him know she wasn’t interested. He studied her closer. He saw surprise in her face - well she wasn’t half as surprised as he had been that’s for sure. He also noticed fear in her eyes which puzzled him. And, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he saw the same silent, help I’m completely at your mercy plea, which he had sent her earlier. House took two steps back from Cuddy and he noticed her finally letting her breath out.
She looked lost - and a bit scared. It reminded him of when they had first met. She was beautiful even then, almost as beautiful as she was now, only with a less confident air about her. She was unsure of being on her own, away from her family for the first time. She was a little insecure, but smart and determined and, as he discovered after a while, very funny. He remembered the fun he had tutoring her. How at first she didn’t know what to make of him. His jokes and games and jibes. But she was a fast learner and soon she became his favorite person to banter with. He wanted to teach her other things too, aside from her studies, but try as he might he could never get her to take him seriously. Whenever he wanted to see her he knew where he could find her. She was practically chained to that desk of hers. He had a vivid picture of her sitting there at that desk, head bowed over a book, long glossy black hair flowing all around her, hiding her face and creating her own private sanctuary.
House remembers how he’d go there and try to talk to her but unless it was Monday, she would just tell him to go away she was studying. She’d never even look up. Except for one time when he’d barged into her dorm room, expecting the same results but willing to give it another try, and he’d found her sitting there crying . Not knowing what else to do House had pulled up a chair and had just sat next to her as she wept. When she put her head down on the desk he had rubbed her back for a while. After some time passed Cuddy had explained that her mother had called to tell her her father had a heart attack. He was in the hospital but they expected he would be fine. Ruth had told her there was no reason to fly home and Lisa knew she was right, but she missed her family terribly. She also told House that one of the reasons she never wanted to study anywhere but at her desk was because it was a gift from her parents and whenever she sat there she remembered them and knew they loved her..
Weeks later, right before he was set to leave, House had taken out the bottom draw of the desk and carved the initials G. H and L.C. into it. Lisa had used it as proof that she was right all along in assuming he wasn’t serious about her. If he had been, she had said, he would have added a heart. He remembers laughing when he heard her say it and being content that his initials would always be a part of something that made her feel safe and loved.
Looking over House could see that Cuddy’s breathing was still a bit erratic. He knew he had to give her time to get control of herself - just as she had done for him earlier. He looked down at the floor trying to puzzle it all out. He just couldn’t make sense of her emotions. Cuddy afraid? Of what? sex? That was laughable - she was a goddess. Men fawned at her, which she knew and had no compulsion about using to her advantage. Next to her professional life, her sex appeal was the only other area in Cuddy’s life that she wasn’t insecure about. No, it wasn’t the sex itself. Him? Why? Was she scared of being hurt? She had to know how he felt about her. Everyone else in the damn hospital knew, even random patients knew. Why wouldn’t she know?
Cuddy had left the wall she had been leaning against walked over to the table and picked up the discarded glass of scotch. With shaking hands she took a large gulp then walked over to House and silently handed it to him. House finished it off, walked around Cuddy and placed the empty glass back where it had come from.. He continued with his thoughts . Neither one of them had spoken since House’s initial, startled outburst. The only sound in the room was the slow thump, thump, thump of House’s cane as he slowly bounced it against the floor. Cuddy glanced over at him and waited. After a while he looked up at her and said, "So can you give me a little hint?" Cuddy’s smile revealed her relief. House was being a good sport about this. He always was when it came to their interactions. And her occasionally insane reactions to him. "I want to ask you some questions, she said and I want you to stay over there while I do. Arms length away.
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CONTINUED IN PART 2