hello darkness my best friend
I can't believe how much i have changed since i started writing this journal. For one, i can type without looking at my hands...three cheers for me...but mostly i have changed my complete way of looking at the world. I am not a Christian anymore. I am Muslim. I still lie when people ask me sometimes why i don't eat pork. I say that i haven't eatten in a long time (true) and that i don't like it (also true) but that there is no religious reason ( completly untrue). It breaks my heart to do this. Islam means so much to me. It is who i have become. Perhaps in ten years, i won't be Muslim, but Islam will still hold a very special place in my heart because it is truely amazing and beautiful. It is such a shame that men continue to pervert the beautiful things that God has bestowed upon us.
I am not a wahabist. I don't even remember to pray half of the time. I am ashamed of that. God has given me everything. I live in America rather than being a poor child in South America, and how difficult is it to pray? I think that there is a lot in me that is Spiritual, but doesn't really follow a denomination, or a popular school of thought. I have amazing conversations with God. Everytime when i was driving alone, i would just talk to God. Tell Him everything. Praying opens us up go God. He knows everything already. He is omnipotent, but we aren't. Prayer isnt' for God, it's for us. It's for us to realize the greatness of God, acknowledge it, praise it, love it. Prayer elevates us in understanding and increases our want to understand more about our faiths. I want to know everything i can about Islam. I know that it is going to be a long hard road. I know that I have little patience and time, but I need to use it to study my faith. I feel so stupid at work because there is so much that I do not understand, but my faith, is something that I need to understand, and only when i understand it will i be able to stop lying to people who i know are confident in their faith.
I don't wear hijab. Why? Because i'm too self concious, vain, care what other people think too much....all of these excuses, because they are just that, excuses are holding me back. Even if i feel that i don't know enough, or am missing a vital peice of information that would prevent me from convering my hair, i should at least cover my legs. i do mostly, but not all the time. IshaAllah one day i will. I think i want to cover my hair, i know i do, for no other reasons than tradition and dicatation in the Hadiths by the Prophet pbuh. I look around me at women in various form of hijab and wish to commend them. I am sure that they aren't afriad to ask their boss for 15 minute break to pray, but i rather not to pray, than have to ask to.
Right now this building is sooo loud. There are a bunch of new people here, and it sounds like DT is having a party. I am sitting here inbetween sad, annoyed and mad. I made eemop mad, which breaks my heart, Adel can't talk to me anymore because he's getting married which also breaks my heart. i have become too complacent. Work frustrates me horribly so the route that i have started to take is the, just get through this day, just get through this day. I feel like i'm in freaken AA! I waited three years for this internship, and I am working soo hard not be disappionted. there are rarely days when i don't return home exhausted and depressed though. I feel like I am getting nothing out of this experience, but learning that embassys really hate to be bothered. Yes, i have learned some great inforamtion and met some wonderful, and some famous, and some very bizarre people, but still all i really do is awnser the phone and mess things up. never before in my life have i felt like a bigger failure. I am assigned the smallest task and always manage to bungle it up in some way.
Perhaps it is a sign of growth, but despite what people (one person) said, i am learning not to depend on people. This isn't however a sign of maturation, it is a sign of being let down time and time again. Perhaps i keep looking to other people in a vain hope that my hopes and dreams will not once again be smashed. I always make the mistake of getting my hopes up. one day, i will learn. perhaps that will be the day that i learn to stop screwing everything up.
I am not a wahabist. I don't even remember to pray half of the time. I am ashamed of that. God has given me everything. I live in America rather than being a poor child in South America, and how difficult is it to pray? I think that there is a lot in me that is Spiritual, but doesn't really follow a denomination, or a popular school of thought. I have amazing conversations with God. Everytime when i was driving alone, i would just talk to God. Tell Him everything. Praying opens us up go God. He knows everything already. He is omnipotent, but we aren't. Prayer isnt' for God, it's for us. It's for us to realize the greatness of God, acknowledge it, praise it, love it. Prayer elevates us in understanding and increases our want to understand more about our faiths. I want to know everything i can about Islam. I know that it is going to be a long hard road. I know that I have little patience and time, but I need to use it to study my faith. I feel so stupid at work because there is so much that I do not understand, but my faith, is something that I need to understand, and only when i understand it will i be able to stop lying to people who i know are confident in their faith.
I don't wear hijab. Why? Because i'm too self concious, vain, care what other people think too much....all of these excuses, because they are just that, excuses are holding me back. Even if i feel that i don't know enough, or am missing a vital peice of information that would prevent me from convering my hair, i should at least cover my legs. i do mostly, but not all the time. IshaAllah one day i will. I think i want to cover my hair, i know i do, for no other reasons than tradition and dicatation in the Hadiths by the Prophet pbuh. I look around me at women in various form of hijab and wish to commend them. I am sure that they aren't afriad to ask their boss for 15 minute break to pray, but i rather not to pray, than have to ask to.
Right now this building is sooo loud. There are a bunch of new people here, and it sounds like DT is having a party. I am sitting here inbetween sad, annoyed and mad. I made eemop mad, which breaks my heart, Adel can't talk to me anymore because he's getting married which also breaks my heart. i have become too complacent. Work frustrates me horribly so the route that i have started to take is the, just get through this day, just get through this day. I feel like i'm in freaken AA! I waited three years for this internship, and I am working soo hard not be disappionted. there are rarely days when i don't return home exhausted and depressed though. I feel like I am getting nothing out of this experience, but learning that embassys really hate to be bothered. Yes, i have learned some great inforamtion and met some wonderful, and some famous, and some very bizarre people, but still all i really do is awnser the phone and mess things up. never before in my life have i felt like a bigger failure. I am assigned the smallest task and always manage to bungle it up in some way.
Perhaps it is a sign of growth, but despite what people (one person) said, i am learning not to depend on people. This isn't however a sign of maturation, it is a sign of being let down time and time again. Perhaps i keep looking to other people in a vain hope that my hopes and dreams will not once again be smashed. I always make the mistake of getting my hopes up. one day, i will learn. perhaps that will be the day that i learn to stop screwing everything up.