Force of Nature called Love
A story about Love!
.My boyfriend isn't the same anymore. He looks the same. He talks the same way that he used to, but his personality is different. He isn't the man I fell in love with. He drinks like an alcoholic, and he started lieing and cheating. He goes around town drunk acting like he owns the world. He only drinks to hide the pain, though. He was recently expelled from school, and we also took a "brake".
. He blames me for both of those thing. I blame myself, too. I'm the one who told the dean he cheated in the school election. I'm also the reason he got expelled. I miss the old Luke. The one who would laugh with me, and listen when I told him stories about Europe. Now when we talk he pushes me to take him back. He tries to convince me that he's changed. In some ways that was true, but not the way I wanted him to change. He is a completely different person to me.
Yet I am still irrevocably in love with him. I know the man I fell in love with is still inside this new man, but he doesn't want to come out. This new Luke is so unappealing to most people, and even to me. But I find myself lost in him. I feel like I hate the new Luke so much that I've fallen in love with him all over again. That is another reason why I hate myself. I never thought of loving someone I hate. Nobody does. It doesn't completely make scense to me, though. The only reason I have found myself loving him still is that it's true love. Love to us isn't something people chose. It's a force of nature. A force so strong that no one can resist it. Now I add another reason why I love him so much.
I wish he would realize that the drinking isn't just killing our relationship, but it's killing him, too. His kidney could fail at any point. He could die, and I would be lost without him. Even now that we're not a couple I feel so confused. Sometimes I see him next to me at home, or I dream about him. My dreams become so vivid that I feel like they're real, and he is really holding my hand. I woke up crying one night because I had a dream that he drank so much that both of his kidneys failed and he died before he got to the hospital. The scariest part about that dream is the fact that it could become reality at any moment. I find myself choking up every time I dare to think about it. I have a simple resolution for that: don't think about! But it is harder that it seems.I wish I had the strength and will power to push away the thought, but when I think about him I let my thoughts pour out and I fall into them. When the thought of Luke dieing pops into my mind, tears start wheling up in my eyes, and I find the nearest thing to distract me.
All I wish for Luke is that he sobers up and learns from his mistake. If he doesn't I can never take him back. It will kill both of us, but he blames me for his problems. So if I disappear hopefully his problems will too. If I leave and his drinking does stop I will have peace of mind to know that I helped him recover. Then maybe when we're old and gray I can comeback. I know it can't work that way, but if I tell myself it can I might start thinking it actually will.
So here I sit in my truck; pondering weather or not I should tell him I'm leaving and never coming back, or leave without telling him. Leaving without telling him seems to be the best option for both of us. I can't hurt him with a good-bye, and I can't hurt myself with the same good-bye. I started the engine. Slowly put my foot on the gas, and began pulling out of the parking lot of Java,the place where I work. I drive down the highway, and half way to Chicago I realize that my heart hurts too much for this to be real and permanent.
I looked for the nearest exit. Tears streamed down my checks. When I finally pulled into the Snyder's farm the tears fell faster."Man up Noah" I thought to myself. I slowly walked up to the door, and knocked on it so quietly that I thought that know one could hear it. But like always I was incorrect. Luke answered the door with a very pleasnt look on his face; witch only appeared once he saw me. I felt my expression change too. Without saying anything he opened the door and invited me in. I denied the invitation by shaking my head. He stepped outside, closing the door behind him; understanding that I didn't want anyone to hear us. At the moment I was sure the door was securely closed I took a step forward towards Luke. Our lips touched and the confusion was gone. The worry vanished, and the hate between the two of us was gone as well.
For a long time it was just me kissing him, but that changed once I told him I loved him. He kissed me back and answered the same way. Luke and I were always going to be together even if we take a "brake". The force of nature called Love was always going to be there. When we're old and gray it will still be there as strong as it always was and always has been. As the force of nature called Love continues to help other see and know who their Love is, I know that a large part of it will be with us, always and forever.
P.S. I know I spelled some words wrong!