Fun with sharing
I have the paper journal in front of me, and am perusing it for tidbits that haven't been posted. Because that is part of MY nature, to expose that which is hidden. The homework thing is a little lengthy, and I am not up for all that typing yet. ;p
I'm having trouble reconciling
What I'm fighting for
When all my pacific efforts
Lead to tidal waves of anger
Compromising myself to fit your mold
When none of the pieces fit
And all my giving of myself
Leads to your disappointment
This is the life I strive to save?
Yes, fun with words, ladies and gentlemen.
Remember, this is an assignment - "if all barriers were gone, where would you be in a year?"
The chosen format, what else but a journal entry... LOL
HER words, not mine.
December 7, 2007
What a year it has been. So many upheavals, so many things changed. Looking forward to yet another year, I think I can see the light up ahead. There's much yet to resolve, but maybe I am on the right path this time. I just hope things stay relatively stable now that the patterns have been established.
I think we have finally gotten comfortable in the house, what a boon that move was! To have a place to ourselves, with no one else sharing space, making noise at all hours. It's nice to have my own room too, instead of being in the living room. I'm sure our guests appreciate having a couch to sit on instead of folding chairs and the end of a bed. LOL I wonder if anyone knew I slept there, or if we really did hide it well enough?
After the move came the real upheaval. I was tired of trying to live against myself and feeling as if I were hiding yet another thing from people. When R went to Amsterdam in February I did some real thinking, and had some the best conversations with S. Thank heavens for her, she's really turned into the kind of friend I needed to have up here. Well, when R got back, he was in a pretty good mood frame of mind, and missing me terribly. So I seized the moment to tell him I was confused about who I am and I think I may have gotten a clue - Yep, sorry mister, your type doesn't do it for me. I think he may have seen it coming, back in June '06 when I first went up to P-Town with S, his first question wasn't "Did you have fun?" or anything like that, but "Did you have a gay experience?" followed shortly by "Did you and S fool around?" Was he joking, or fishing for information? But maybe he saw before I did. He had certainly made the accusation enough times over the years when I was "less than receptive" to his advances. So I told him how I felt, which of course led to the immediate accusations of infidelity and anger and hurt. I suppose that was inevitable. But he eventually calmed down, and we talked about "us" and what that should mean. I told him that I had married him, and would honour those vows, and not pursue my curiosity, but that I could no longer share his bed. That took a long time to work out, he felt horridly rejected and I still feel terrible for that. But one day his sullenness broke and he said "Maybe we should pursue others." I told him I had no trouble with that. We kept the house as one, for the sake of the girls and because it was just easier that way, what with having one car and not great amounts of money.
But somehow I couldn't "pursue" anyone! I used the freedom to spend more time with friends, taking road trips when I could, and heading to the shore whenever possible. And I did see more of S. *blush* But I found that my desires seem to be fulfilled by physical contact. Which makes it so much easier - S will never settle down with one woman in this lifetime! LOL So now both R and I "see" other people, have expanded our group of friends, and have thereby grown closer, now that he doesn't feel as if he's begging for sexual favours and I don't feel so trapped and guilty. We actually somehow end up spending more time together now. Which is a real boon to the music. GEMINI is well off the ground, can't even say running, we're almost flying! Las summer we converted half the basement into a recording studio and finally got a proper EP out to the public. I really have to thank Pete Seeger for giving us a chance, almost sight unseen, to play at Clearwater. Now we are doing shows in schools at least twice a month, and playing local coffeehouses and benefits just about every weekend. We aren't quite to the point of "quitting our day jobs" but we are definitely making a difference.
Phew! That was a lot!! LOL
As I typed, I was struck by how much has already most likely shifted, based on this weekend... But that's my speculation. Deciphering of mess from last night with details filled in will be this afternoon if there's time.
I'm having trouble reconciling
What I'm fighting for
When all my pacific efforts
Lead to tidal waves of anger
Compromising myself to fit your mold
When none of the pieces fit
And all my giving of myself
Leads to your disappointment
This is the life I strive to save?
Yes, fun with words, ladies and gentlemen.
Remember, this is an assignment - "if all barriers were gone, where would you be in a year?"
The chosen format, what else but a journal entry... LOL
HER words, not mine.
December 7, 2007
What a year it has been. So many upheavals, so many things changed. Looking forward to yet another year, I think I can see the light up ahead. There's much yet to resolve, but maybe I am on the right path this time. I just hope things stay relatively stable now that the patterns have been established.
I think we have finally gotten comfortable in the house, what a boon that move was! To have a place to ourselves, with no one else sharing space, making noise at all hours. It's nice to have my own room too, instead of being in the living room. I'm sure our guests appreciate having a couch to sit on instead of folding chairs and the end of a bed. LOL I wonder if anyone knew I slept there, or if we really did hide it well enough?
After the move came the real upheaval. I was tired of trying to live against myself and feeling as if I were hiding yet another thing from people. When R went to Amsterdam in February I did some real thinking, and had some the best conversations with S. Thank heavens for her, she's really turned into the kind of friend I needed to have up here. Well, when R got back, he was in a pretty good mood frame of mind, and missing me terribly. So I seized the moment to tell him I was confused about who I am and I think I may have gotten a clue - Yep, sorry mister, your type doesn't do it for me. I think he may have seen it coming, back in June '06 when I first went up to P-Town with S, his first question wasn't "Did you have fun?" or anything like that, but "Did you have a gay experience?" followed shortly by "Did you and S fool around?" Was he joking, or fishing for information? But maybe he saw before I did. He had certainly made the accusation enough times over the years when I was "less than receptive" to his advances. So I told him how I felt, which of course led to the immediate accusations of infidelity and anger and hurt. I suppose that was inevitable. But he eventually calmed down, and we talked about "us" and what that should mean. I told him that I had married him, and would honour those vows, and not pursue my curiosity, but that I could no longer share his bed. That took a long time to work out, he felt horridly rejected and I still feel terrible for that. But one day his sullenness broke and he said "Maybe we should pursue others." I told him I had no trouble with that. We kept the house as one, for the sake of the girls and because it was just easier that way, what with having one car and not great amounts of money.
But somehow I couldn't "pursue" anyone! I used the freedom to spend more time with friends, taking road trips when I could, and heading to the shore whenever possible. And I did see more of S. *blush* But I found that my desires seem to be fulfilled by physical contact. Which makes it so much easier - S will never settle down with one woman in this lifetime! LOL So now both R and I "see" other people, have expanded our group of friends, and have thereby grown closer, now that he doesn't feel as if he's begging for sexual favours and I don't feel so trapped and guilty. We actually somehow end up spending more time together now. Which is a real boon to the music. GEMINI is well off the ground, can't even say running, we're almost flying! Las summer we converted half the basement into a recording studio and finally got a proper EP out to the public. I really have to thank Pete Seeger for giving us a chance, almost sight unseen, to play at Clearwater. Now we are doing shows in schools at least twice a month, and playing local coffeehouses and benefits just about every weekend. We aren't quite to the point of "quitting our day jobs" but we are definitely making a difference.
Phew! That was a lot!! LOL
As I typed, I was struck by how much has already most likely shifted, based on this weekend... But that's my speculation. Deciphering of mess from last night with details filled in will be this afternoon if there's time.