[Fic: KrisHo, LeaderLine] The Second Half
Title: The Second Half
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kris/Suho
Length: 4,500+
Author's Note: This is going to be the first of everything. This is a personal old fic, but re-inspired by the lyrics of Peter Pan (M-version).
Summary: Will the second half of the story be more painful than the first?
Warning: Mentions alcohol
Stars were a rare sight to behold when one lives in a big city. Every time Kris looked out the window, he could only see the city lights at night and barely even a glimpse of the sky. He did not take notice of the door’s loud slam.
‘At least that was over and done with less drama than the one before,’ Kris thought to himself.
It was a full moon and his tall figure was perfectly framed by the window and the moonlight, rendering him in an ethereal glow. The softness of the scene was only marred by the hardness in the man’s eyes. After a few more quiet moments, he swiftly closed the curtains behind. Kris was about to pour himself a glass of brandy when there was a loud knock on the door.
Kris wondered who else it could be at the door. Chanyeol and Baekhyun have their own keys much to his chagrin. He had reasons that his best friends had stolen their copies from him, but Kris didn’t really mind in the end. Sehun and Luhan would have just barged in if the door was unlocked, which made Kris curious.
Leaving his glass behind, Kris approached the door and noticed that it was really looked. Inwardly, he scoffed and rolled his eyes, ‘Well at least, he was polite enough to lock the door before slamming it.’
“Chen, what have you forgotten this- ?”
Words failed Kris when he saw who was behind the door he had just opened. It took almost all his concentration just to keep the expressionless mask on his face. It was a mask he perfected four years ago when his rose-tinted glasses were shattered to bits by the man before him.
“Forgotten? I don’t seem to have forgotten anything, Yifan. Although I can’t say the same about that other guy who just left. Chen, was it? A hook up perhaps?”
The face was still the same as Kris remembered it. Almond eyes twinkling with amusement, or perhaps disdain; a corner of his thin lips curved upward in that lopsided half-smile whenever he tried hard not to laugh. The hair was different, but the rest of his body had remained the same. Kris couldn’t believe it was almost four years since he last saw him. Why was he here now?
Kris steeled himself. He had prepared himself for this moment. He was not one for hysterics unlike some of his other friends. Besides, the other man before him wasn’t anyone important in his life. Now. Not anymore.
Clearing his throat, Kris answered, “No, not a hook up. That was my recently broken up with ex-boyfriend.”
“Oh?” An eyebrow rose up.
Kris didn’t know if it was still in amusement or something else. He was no mind reader, nor would he ever want to be.
“Maybe I should just leave you to grieve for a bit then,” said the other man, with a smirk.
Kris kept his perfect façade, but remembered that signature smirk, the one that used to irritate yet turn him on at the same time. He was better at keeping his own feelings to himself now, though. He had to be. The other man was, like always, playing a game of wits, and he knew it was one he could easily contend with. That was one of the things that pulled them to each other. Kris was not going down without a fight. Yet just as suddenly as the man arrived, he took off down the hallway.
‘Was he…’ Kris thought to himself, ‘leaving? What the heck?’
“Seriously?!” Kris had stepped out of the room, accidentally slamming the door behind him as he called out to other man. “What were you even doing here, Suho?”
The other man turned around to answer. “Nothing, really. I just wanted to see how you were doing. And boy, did I see a lot!” Suho giggled.
Kris did a double take when he heard the other man’s lilting slip of a laugh. Damn it all, but this was not what he was expecting. He tried to make an Oscar-worthy exit, but Kris just bumped his nose hard on the door. He felt for the doorknob and found out it was locked. He knew the expletive that flew out of his mouth resounded through the hallway.
Kris heard the bastard laugh and saw him doubled over against the wall from the corner of his eye. He didn’t want to face the other man at all. He could only lean his forehead on the door and try his best to block out the pain from his nose.
“You were leaving, right? Could you do that now?”
“Oh, please don’t worry on my account,” Suho answered back. “I’m quite enjoying this actually. But I’m not that cruel, Yifan. I actually had a reason to see you.”
“What?” Kris growled out, gritting his teeth and still trying to face Suho at all.
“I came to deliver your baby brother. Said he couldn’t just knock on your door from out of nowhere. I told him otherwise, but he wouldn’t budge.”
Of course, Tao wasn’t really Kris’ brother by blood. The two of them just liked to mess around with people and tell them that they were.
“Why would Tao be with you?” said Kris, still addressing the door and not Suho directly.
“We went out for a couple of drinks. Well, more than a couple, really. I guess the baby panda still can’t handle his alcohol properly. He was a close friend of mine too, Yifan.”
“Could you go now?” Kris was seething just below his boiling point.
“He’s out by the front desk. I’m sure you’re gonna have to go downstairs anyway to get your extra key.”
Kris didn’t bother answering back, even when he heard the other man’s footsteps retreating until there was only silence. This night couldn’t have been any worse for him.
Three weeks later and Kris found himself standing just outside the entrance to a branch office of his uncle’s company. He couldn’t even make any sense of why he was standing right there.
“Why have you dragged me here, hyung?”
Kris has heard Tao’s complaint for the hundredth time that day. He was guilty for dragging the younger one to this place, and knew that they looked like fools.
Technically, this office was just one of the whole family’s companies as Kris’ father and the other siblings all had substantial shares of the company stock. They were nice enough to let Kris’ uncle run this one for himself, and with great success at that. Kris’ father sat on the board and Kris himself had also bought a hefty amount of stocks outside of his own immediate family’s share.
Kris was bound to be known here or at least by the higher ups. He could have just got in there and walked the halls like some prince, but that’s not who he really was. To be more honest, he felt that he didn’t have the confidence to do that at all; at least not that day.
About three weeks ago, a bombshell was dropped right on his very doorstep when Suho appeared out of nowhere. Suho was no ordinary man in Kris’ life. Suho was his ex-boyfriend, yet he wasn’t just one of the many exes Kris has had over the years. If he were to be really honest with himself, Suho was the ex who started it all.
Suho had suddenly appeared on Kris’ doorstep that night, and at the most opportune moment when he had just dumped the most recent ex. The words he and Suho had exchanged were uneventful for Kris but the feeling was all he could really remember. Or rather, the jumbled mess of emotions going through his mind that night.
Suho left quickly though, but not before dumping a drunken Tao on his hands. Though it was true that Suho and Tao were very close friends, Kris did not think that the two of them would remain friends after the former had left the city for who knows where.
The truth was that Suho did not really leave towards an unknown land. He returned to his home town and, coincidentally, got a job at the company of Kris’ uncle. Knowing Suho, the man would not be satisfied with being a mere rank-and-file employee. He worked his way up the corporate ladder and had been recently promoted to an executive position. Suho was transferred to this branch to oversee its operations.
Kris mentally slapped himself and looked up to the sky. If this was his karma for rolling through a lot of boyfriends and one-night-stands over the years, then he would have just prayed to have become dirt poor than to have the ex of all exes become his indirect employee.
Kris knew deep inside that he wouldn’t be acting this way if it were just any other man, but his situation with Suho was just totally different. Not even his best friends knew the whole story. They knew about Suho, but only up to what he allowed himself to tell them.
Only Tao had really met Suho, with the two being friends since way back in the past, but even his dongsaeng did not know about the diary he kept in his bottom drawer. Kris thought he could forget about that diary, but ever since Suho had shown his face on his doorstep, Kris found himself opening the damned thing every night.
“Hyung, why am I even here?” Tao’s voice knocked Kris out of his reverie.
Kris just turned to look at his closest friend, “I-I don’t even know…”
“Yifan?”
Kris and Tao both turned around when they heard someone call out Kris’ name. The sight that beheld the older man was almost too much for him. Three weeks ago, Suho was dressed casually and it was something Kris wasn’t already used to while they were still dating. The other man’s taste in fashion had stayed the same. Yet at the moment, it was the longest and quietest minute of his life. Suho had just stepped out of a taxi, all formal and executive-looking in his corporate suit. The man was as dapper-looking as can be. It was at the moment that Kris realized that Suho was still Suho, but the other man wasn’t the same Suho anymore.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Kris and Tao had just entered the former’s pad and the younger man noticed his friend breathing heavily.
This wasn’t Kris. This wasn’t supposed to be how he would be acting. Suho was in the past now. All those other boyfriends should prove that Kris was over him. He wasn’t known in society as the ice man just for any other reason. He was supposed to be cold and numb, and that was what attracted all those boys to him like moths to a flame. But that was the problem. They were mere boys. They were nothing compared to the man whose name is Suho.
Kris was cold and he was numb. But it wasn’t the same feeling as it was before Suho came back. The chill was different. It brought back the insecurities that plagued him on those first few weeks after he and Suho broke up. He couldn’t go back to that time. He shouldn’t, but he was.
“I’m trying to understand, hyung,” said Tao. “Is it because of Suho? Is it because he’s back? You said you were over him, hyung. You’ve had countless boyfriends over these years. Were they all just rebounds? I can’t even remember anyone lasting more than a month with you.”
Kris went to the kitchen sink to splash water on his face. “Chen lasted for six weeks,” he said, as a matter of fact.
“And yet, you still dumped him, hyung,” Tao answered back, having followed his friend. “What are you running away from, Yifan?”
Yifan. Wu Yifan. Kris was the name he used so that his English-speaking friends would not be so tongue-tied, but his proper name was that. He had been used to Tao calling him ‘Kris’ or ‘hyung’ that it took him by surprise to hear his name called out by his closest friend. Outside of his family, no one else could call him with those words but Tao. And Suho.
“I guess it’s time to tell you about the diary,” said Kris. “Please wait for me in the living area.”
Tao followed his older brother’s request as Kris went to his bedroom to retrieve the diary he had been keeping for so long. When Kris returned, he sat down some distance away from Tao and held out the diary towards the other man.
“Do Chanyeol and Baekhyun know about this, hyung?” asked Tao, tracing his fingers on the detailed cover.
“I’ve only told them what I thought was necessary about Suho. Everything else I kept inside this diary.”
Kris showed his younger brother the older pictures he kept of him and Suho inside. It looked more like a scrapbook than an actual diary. He read some of the most memorable days that he and Suho had. At some point, he even let Tao peruse some of the pages himself. It was then that the younger man noticed the missing last few pages.
“Yifan, have these pages been… torn out?”
“Yeah,” Kris whispered in reply. “Those pages once contained what I felt on the day we broke up. I really don’t know what came over me that time, but after I wrote it down, I tore those pages up and burned them.”
“Why?”
Kris looked away. “I guess I didn’t want to be reminded how sad I was during our break up. Those last few pages contained nothing but sadness and hurt… even tears. I guess deep down I wanted only to be reminded about the happier times that I wrote down in this diary. Believe me, Tao. At the time, I thought nothing else could be sadder than our break up.”
“I-I don’t know what to say, hyung. I’ve never really seen this side of you. What really happened that day, Yifan? I’ve only seen you and Suho so happy together. What went wrong?
Kris took a deep breath, before he began his tale. He never really knew why he and Suho broke up. Or maybe he did but did just not want to understand it.
Their break up happened right there in the living area of Kris’ pad. The pad was Kris’ first long-term investment, having worked in his father’s company and playing the stock market so he could pay for the place in cash. Soon after, he and Suho had moved in.
Over college, Kris was Suho’s most avid suitor for months before the latter finally agreed to become steady. Kris’ parents were very happy with their son’s choice of a boyfriend, and hoped in a future lifetime partner for their child. They weren’t even fazed when the two announced that they would be living together in Kris’ pad. Kris even remembered his mother telling Suho that her son had mellowed down a bit since the two of them started began dating and that she was happy for the two of them.
It was after the last of a series of get-togethers celebrating both of Kris and Suho’s graduations when things turned a sudden one-eighty. Suho was in the kitchen getting a glass of water when Kris started to feel a weird vibe coming from his boyfriend.
“Yifan, I can’t do this anymore,” Suho suddenly said, not even bothering to turn around to face him.
“Do what?” Kris asked, feeling his voice slightly break.
“This, Yifan.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I want to… no. I need to break up with you.”
“You need to break up with me? Have I done something wrong? Did may parents say something against you? My friends?”
“No, they’ve been all supportive, but that’s why I have to end this.” Finally, Suho had turned to face Kris. “I don’t feel like I deserve this, any of this. Your friends’ support, my friends’ support, both of our family’s support, even living together. I… it’s not right.”
“What do you mean it’s not right? You said it so yourself, everyone supports us! We have each other! We even have our own place…” Kris was becoming more agitated by the moment.
“No, Yifan…” Suho’s voice was still as calm as ever. “You have your own place. I just came here to live with you.”
“You know that is not true!” Kris slammed his palm on the table. He was not only getting confused, but was getting very angry.
“Why should you think you don’t deserve any of this, Suho? You’ve been nothing but the best boyfriend… no,” Kris corrected himself. “The best partner I could have ever dreamed of. We’ve just graduated. We have our whole lives ahead of us. Together.”
“I know that’s how it is, right?” Suho gave a sad chuckle. “But I don’t think I even deserve you, Yifan. Not right now.”
“That is bullshit and you know it! Suho, why are you making this difficult for us?”
“Yifan, I need to prove…”
“Stop!” Kris held out his hand. “I’m leaving. Just tonight. I’ll leave you to your own thoughts just for tonight. Do whatever you have to do to clear your head. I am too angry to talk to you right now. I don’t want to say something I will regret in the morning.”
Kris rushed out of their pad with blood ringing in his ears. He tried his hardest not to, but he still slammed the door behind him and cursed out loud. He walked to the nearby park, praying that it wouldn’t rain or someone wasn’t out to rob him. Kris stayed there for a couple of hours just staring up at the night sky. In the end, he called his parents to ask if he could stay until the morning. No further questions were asked.
When Kris went back to their home, he tried to enter as quietly as possible, thinking Suho would still be in bed asleep. The scene that greeted him when entered his bedroom was something Kris could never forget for the rest of his life.
The closet and some drawers were open. Suho was gone, and it seemed he was gone in a hurry, taking only some clothes and personal effects. Kris tried to call the other man, but Suho wouldn’t answer. The day after, Kris couldn’t contact him anymore. Suho had changed his number.
Kris tried to contact Suho’s friends, but even they didn’t know where he was. One day, he found the courage to call Suho’s parents, who lived in another city, Suho’s hometown. They told Kris that Suho was safe, but that the other man also needed time to think things out.
Kris never told anyone what really happened that night, not even his friends, Tao, or his parents. He just told them that Suho had to go, and that because he loved him, Kris needed to let him go too. It was a blessing that everyone else believed him and didn’t pester him after.
“And that’s about it really,” Kris told Tao, finishing his story. He chuckled when he saw the younger man with eyes red and puffy with tears.
“You are a heart-wrenching bastard, hyung! You should have told us long ago. We’d always be here for you no matter what.”
Tao suddenly stood up. “Alright, I can’t do this right now. I’m gathering up my dignity. I need to leave before I start crying again.”
When two of them got to the door, the younger man turned around suddenly and squeezed his friend tightly. After a few moments, Tao let go and Kris smiled at his dongsaeng while ruffling the younger one’s hair. Kris opened the door for Tao and was surprised to see Suho there once more with his hand raised. The other man was about to knock.
All of a sudden, Tao let out a loud sob and hugged Suho just as tightly as he did Kris moments before. Suho’s surprise was quite evident in his eyes and tried to communicate as much to Kris. The other man merely gave a shrug. Kris tried hard not to laugh as Tao bawled, before running off down the hallway.
The look of confusion was still on Suho’s face and Kris let out a really loud belly laugh. This other man grew more confused by the second. After a few more moments, Kris managed to calm down and wiped off a tear or two from laughing. With his head, Kris signaled to invite Suho in.
“Would you care to tell me what that was about?” Suho asked.
“Don’t worry. Tao will be fine,” Kris answered as he continued walking inside, not really paying attention to where Suho was. He thought the other was following him through to the living area.
“Yifan, what is this?”
Suho’s tone of voice was a bit unusual. Kris turned around and his eyes widened as he saw what the other man was holding in his hand. It was the diary. Tao must have left it on the foyer table before he left and now Suho was holding it. No, the man wasn’t just holding it. Suho was reading it.
“I-it’s…” Kris cleared his throat. “It’s a diary, or a rather a half-scrapbook, half-diary thing. I was showing it to Tao a while ago before you came. “
Kris didn’t have the strength to lie. Suho was holding onto the diary anyway.
“I-is this from the time when we were together?”
“Y-yes…” Kris sighed and sat down on the sofa, facing the empty TV screen, head down.
“Everything’s so detailed,” Suho spoke behind the other man. “You’ve even saved some of the tickets of things we saw or went to together. Wow…”
“Yeah… what can I say? I enjoyed all of our time together.”
“Oh, my gosh! Are these petals from the roses you sent me on Valentine’s Day?” Suho came around to stand in front of Kris.
“Yep… didn’t want to buy overpriced bouquets from the flower shops,” Kris tried to answer as nonchalantly as he could. “I asked Mom if I could pick a dozen from her roses. She said okay but I had to pick them myself.”
“I remember… Oh, yeah! Was that why you had a lot of bandages on your hands that day?”
“Yeah…” Kris felt the other man look at him, so he raised his and looked back.
“But you told me you took up wushu and that the stick was rough.”
“I needed a few secrets of my own.”
“Yifan…”
At the moment, Kris finally found the courage to seek out the truth. “Why are you here, Suho?”
“What do you mean? Here in your place? Or here-“
“In my life… In my city… In my pad… Here, Suho. Why? Why now?”
Suho let out a sigh as he put down the diary. “To be honest, I came back for you.”
“I seem to recall you were the one in a hurry to get away from me.”
“No, I never wanted to get away from you, Yifan. I wanted to get away from myself.” Suho took a seat beside the other man on the sofa.
Kris didn’t give a reply, wanting the other to continue.
“I went away because I felt my growth as a person was stunted. I’ve always admired you for being able to maintain your individuality even while we were a couple. People knew us together. People knew you. But I felt that people didn’t know me for me. I want to prove something to myself first. I tried to tell you this on the night that-“ Suho choked.
“That we broke up,” Kris finished for him. “I’m sorry if you felt that way. I wish you would have told me sooner. We could have worked things out.”
“No, we couldn’t. You knew me, Yifan. You knew me so much that I sometimes had to look at you to know myself. I felt like I never knew me anymore. Even while we were in college, you were already working hard in your father’s company. You had stocks that had you earning enough not to rely on your parents for money. You even managed to have enough money to get this place in cash. You wouldn’t even let my pay my half in rent, just the utilities.”
“Because I knew you didn’t have that much extra money, Suho. But I still wanted you to become independent. To feel like you are contributing something to this home too. Our home.”
“I understand that now, Yifan. But I never did back then. You always thought more mature for your age. I’ve always admired you for it. That’s why I needed to prove something to myself… that I deserved you. That I deserved the love you’ve given me so freely.”
“And I told you that you never had to,” Kris tried his best to keep calm as he felt all those emotion rushing once more just like the night that Suho left. “Everything I gave was unconditional.”
“I really don’t know,” Suho looked away. “Blame it on youth back then, maybe.”
“And now?” Kris reached out to the other man’s face, pulling back to look into his ex-lover’s eyes. “Why tell me that you came back for me?”
Suho pulled the hand on his face down, holding it tight. “Did you know that your uncle had commissioned a big painting of your extended family back in the main office in the city where I live?”
“I’ve heard of that, yes.”
“He had it placed in the main entrance. After work, I would linger there for more than a few minutes just staring at your face.”
There was a wistful smile on Suho’s face. Kris didn’t know what to say after that confession.
“Somehow… some way… looking at that picture, I realized that I’ve never really let go of you.”
Kris watched as Suho reached out to cup the other man’s cheek in his palm. He felt his eyes close as the warmth of Suho’s hand spread out. He couldn’t lie to himself that he really missed the other man’s touch, that this was still what he was searching for even through the countless dates and boyfriends he’d been through.
Kris felt Suho’s breath draw near and knew that he didn’t have to open his eyes to see Suho’s lips capture his. It was the longest moment of his life until then. He only opened his eyes as they drew apart.
Suho let out another sigh. “When I heard about the executive position opening in this city, I prayed my hardest that I would be chosen by your uncle. I did have a reason to come back. But now, I would like to know if I would have a reason to stay.”
Kris took Suho’s hand in his once more and pulled the other man close. Leaning down for another kiss, Kris said, “You do.”
-End-
-LJY-
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kris/Suho
Length: 4,500+
Author's Note: This is going to be the first of everything. This is a personal old fic, but re-inspired by the lyrics of Peter Pan (M-version).
Summary: Will the second half of the story be more painful than the first?
Warning: Mentions alcohol
Stars were a rare sight to behold when one lives in a big city. Every time Kris looked out the window, he could only see the city lights at night and barely even a glimpse of the sky. He did not take notice of the door’s loud slam.
‘At least that was over and done with less drama than the one before,’ Kris thought to himself.
It was a full moon and his tall figure was perfectly framed by the window and the moonlight, rendering him in an ethereal glow. The softness of the scene was only marred by the hardness in the man’s eyes. After a few more quiet moments, he swiftly closed the curtains behind. Kris was about to pour himself a glass of brandy when there was a loud knock on the door.
Kris wondered who else it could be at the door. Chanyeol and Baekhyun have their own keys much to his chagrin. He had reasons that his best friends had stolen their copies from him, but Kris didn’t really mind in the end. Sehun and Luhan would have just barged in if the door was unlocked, which made Kris curious.
Leaving his glass behind, Kris approached the door and noticed that it was really looked. Inwardly, he scoffed and rolled his eyes, ‘Well at least, he was polite enough to lock the door before slamming it.’
“Chen, what have you forgotten this- ?”
Words failed Kris when he saw who was behind the door he had just opened. It took almost all his concentration just to keep the expressionless mask on his face. It was a mask he perfected four years ago when his rose-tinted glasses were shattered to bits by the man before him.
“Forgotten? I don’t seem to have forgotten anything, Yifan. Although I can’t say the same about that other guy who just left. Chen, was it? A hook up perhaps?”
The face was still the same as Kris remembered it. Almond eyes twinkling with amusement, or perhaps disdain; a corner of his thin lips curved upward in that lopsided half-smile whenever he tried hard not to laugh. The hair was different, but the rest of his body had remained the same. Kris couldn’t believe it was almost four years since he last saw him. Why was he here now?
Kris steeled himself. He had prepared himself for this moment. He was not one for hysterics unlike some of his other friends. Besides, the other man before him wasn’t anyone important in his life. Now. Not anymore.
Clearing his throat, Kris answered, “No, not a hook up. That was my recently broken up with ex-boyfriend.”
“Oh?” An eyebrow rose up.
Kris didn’t know if it was still in amusement or something else. He was no mind reader, nor would he ever want to be.
“Maybe I should just leave you to grieve for a bit then,” said the other man, with a smirk.
Kris kept his perfect façade, but remembered that signature smirk, the one that used to irritate yet turn him on at the same time. He was better at keeping his own feelings to himself now, though. He had to be. The other man was, like always, playing a game of wits, and he knew it was one he could easily contend with. That was one of the things that pulled them to each other. Kris was not going down without a fight. Yet just as suddenly as the man arrived, he took off down the hallway.
‘Was he…’ Kris thought to himself, ‘leaving? What the heck?’
“Seriously?!” Kris had stepped out of the room, accidentally slamming the door behind him as he called out to other man. “What were you even doing here, Suho?”
The other man turned around to answer. “Nothing, really. I just wanted to see how you were doing. And boy, did I see a lot!” Suho giggled.
Kris did a double take when he heard the other man’s lilting slip of a laugh. Damn it all, but this was not what he was expecting. He tried to make an Oscar-worthy exit, but Kris just bumped his nose hard on the door. He felt for the doorknob and found out it was locked. He knew the expletive that flew out of his mouth resounded through the hallway.
Kris heard the bastard laugh and saw him doubled over against the wall from the corner of his eye. He didn’t want to face the other man at all. He could only lean his forehead on the door and try his best to block out the pain from his nose.
“You were leaving, right? Could you do that now?”
“Oh, please don’t worry on my account,” Suho answered back. “I’m quite enjoying this actually. But I’m not that cruel, Yifan. I actually had a reason to see you.”
“What?” Kris growled out, gritting his teeth and still trying to face Suho at all.
“I came to deliver your baby brother. Said he couldn’t just knock on your door from out of nowhere. I told him otherwise, but he wouldn’t budge.”
Of course, Tao wasn’t really Kris’ brother by blood. The two of them just liked to mess around with people and tell them that they were.
“Why would Tao be with you?” said Kris, still addressing the door and not Suho directly.
“We went out for a couple of drinks. Well, more than a couple, really. I guess the baby panda still can’t handle his alcohol properly. He was a close friend of mine too, Yifan.”
“Could you go now?” Kris was seething just below his boiling point.
“He’s out by the front desk. I’m sure you’re gonna have to go downstairs anyway to get your extra key.”
Kris didn’t bother answering back, even when he heard the other man’s footsteps retreating until there was only silence. This night couldn’t have been any worse for him.
Three weeks later and Kris found himself standing just outside the entrance to a branch office of his uncle’s company. He couldn’t even make any sense of why he was standing right there.
“Why have you dragged me here, hyung?”
Kris has heard Tao’s complaint for the hundredth time that day. He was guilty for dragging the younger one to this place, and knew that they looked like fools.
Technically, this office was just one of the whole family’s companies as Kris’ father and the other siblings all had substantial shares of the company stock. They were nice enough to let Kris’ uncle run this one for himself, and with great success at that. Kris’ father sat on the board and Kris himself had also bought a hefty amount of stocks outside of his own immediate family’s share.
Kris was bound to be known here or at least by the higher ups. He could have just got in there and walked the halls like some prince, but that’s not who he really was. To be more honest, he felt that he didn’t have the confidence to do that at all; at least not that day.
About three weeks ago, a bombshell was dropped right on his very doorstep when Suho appeared out of nowhere. Suho was no ordinary man in Kris’ life. Suho was his ex-boyfriend, yet he wasn’t just one of the many exes Kris has had over the years. If he were to be really honest with himself, Suho was the ex who started it all.
Suho had suddenly appeared on Kris’ doorstep that night, and at the most opportune moment when he had just dumped the most recent ex. The words he and Suho had exchanged were uneventful for Kris but the feeling was all he could really remember. Or rather, the jumbled mess of emotions going through his mind that night.
Suho left quickly though, but not before dumping a drunken Tao on his hands. Though it was true that Suho and Tao were very close friends, Kris did not think that the two of them would remain friends after the former had left the city for who knows where.
The truth was that Suho did not really leave towards an unknown land. He returned to his home town and, coincidentally, got a job at the company of Kris’ uncle. Knowing Suho, the man would not be satisfied with being a mere rank-and-file employee. He worked his way up the corporate ladder and had been recently promoted to an executive position. Suho was transferred to this branch to oversee its operations.
Kris mentally slapped himself and looked up to the sky. If this was his karma for rolling through a lot of boyfriends and one-night-stands over the years, then he would have just prayed to have become dirt poor than to have the ex of all exes become his indirect employee.
Kris knew deep inside that he wouldn’t be acting this way if it were just any other man, but his situation with Suho was just totally different. Not even his best friends knew the whole story. They knew about Suho, but only up to what he allowed himself to tell them.
Only Tao had really met Suho, with the two being friends since way back in the past, but even his dongsaeng did not know about the diary he kept in his bottom drawer. Kris thought he could forget about that diary, but ever since Suho had shown his face on his doorstep, Kris found himself opening the damned thing every night.
“Hyung, why am I even here?” Tao’s voice knocked Kris out of his reverie.
Kris just turned to look at his closest friend, “I-I don’t even know…”
“Yifan?”
Kris and Tao both turned around when they heard someone call out Kris’ name. The sight that beheld the older man was almost too much for him. Three weeks ago, Suho was dressed casually and it was something Kris wasn’t already used to while they were still dating. The other man’s taste in fashion had stayed the same. Yet at the moment, it was the longest and quietest minute of his life. Suho had just stepped out of a taxi, all formal and executive-looking in his corporate suit. The man was as dapper-looking as can be. It was at the moment that Kris realized that Suho was still Suho, but the other man wasn’t the same Suho anymore.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Kris and Tao had just entered the former’s pad and the younger man noticed his friend breathing heavily.
This wasn’t Kris. This wasn’t supposed to be how he would be acting. Suho was in the past now. All those other boyfriends should prove that Kris was over him. He wasn’t known in society as the ice man just for any other reason. He was supposed to be cold and numb, and that was what attracted all those boys to him like moths to a flame. But that was the problem. They were mere boys. They were nothing compared to the man whose name is Suho.
Kris was cold and he was numb. But it wasn’t the same feeling as it was before Suho came back. The chill was different. It brought back the insecurities that plagued him on those first few weeks after he and Suho broke up. He couldn’t go back to that time. He shouldn’t, but he was.
“I’m trying to understand, hyung,” said Tao. “Is it because of Suho? Is it because he’s back? You said you were over him, hyung. You’ve had countless boyfriends over these years. Were they all just rebounds? I can’t even remember anyone lasting more than a month with you.”
Kris went to the kitchen sink to splash water on his face. “Chen lasted for six weeks,” he said, as a matter of fact.
“And yet, you still dumped him, hyung,” Tao answered back, having followed his friend. “What are you running away from, Yifan?”
Yifan. Wu Yifan. Kris was the name he used so that his English-speaking friends would not be so tongue-tied, but his proper name was that. He had been used to Tao calling him ‘Kris’ or ‘hyung’ that it took him by surprise to hear his name called out by his closest friend. Outside of his family, no one else could call him with those words but Tao. And Suho.
“I guess it’s time to tell you about the diary,” said Kris. “Please wait for me in the living area.”
Tao followed his older brother’s request as Kris went to his bedroom to retrieve the diary he had been keeping for so long. When Kris returned, he sat down some distance away from Tao and held out the diary towards the other man.
“Do Chanyeol and Baekhyun know about this, hyung?” asked Tao, tracing his fingers on the detailed cover.
“I’ve only told them what I thought was necessary about Suho. Everything else I kept inside this diary.”
Kris showed his younger brother the older pictures he kept of him and Suho inside. It looked more like a scrapbook than an actual diary. He read some of the most memorable days that he and Suho had. At some point, he even let Tao peruse some of the pages himself. It was then that the younger man noticed the missing last few pages.
“Yifan, have these pages been… torn out?”
“Yeah,” Kris whispered in reply. “Those pages once contained what I felt on the day we broke up. I really don’t know what came over me that time, but after I wrote it down, I tore those pages up and burned them.”
“Why?”
Kris looked away. “I guess I didn’t want to be reminded how sad I was during our break up. Those last few pages contained nothing but sadness and hurt… even tears. I guess deep down I wanted only to be reminded about the happier times that I wrote down in this diary. Believe me, Tao. At the time, I thought nothing else could be sadder than our break up.”
“I-I don’t know what to say, hyung. I’ve never really seen this side of you. What really happened that day, Yifan? I’ve only seen you and Suho so happy together. What went wrong?
Kris took a deep breath, before he began his tale. He never really knew why he and Suho broke up. Or maybe he did but did just not want to understand it.
Their break up happened right there in the living area of Kris’ pad. The pad was Kris’ first long-term investment, having worked in his father’s company and playing the stock market so he could pay for the place in cash. Soon after, he and Suho had moved in.
Over college, Kris was Suho’s most avid suitor for months before the latter finally agreed to become steady. Kris’ parents were very happy with their son’s choice of a boyfriend, and hoped in a future lifetime partner for their child. They weren’t even fazed when the two announced that they would be living together in Kris’ pad. Kris even remembered his mother telling Suho that her son had mellowed down a bit since the two of them started began dating and that she was happy for the two of them.
It was after the last of a series of get-togethers celebrating both of Kris and Suho’s graduations when things turned a sudden one-eighty. Suho was in the kitchen getting a glass of water when Kris started to feel a weird vibe coming from his boyfriend.
“Yifan, I can’t do this anymore,” Suho suddenly said, not even bothering to turn around to face him.
“Do what?” Kris asked, feeling his voice slightly break.
“This, Yifan.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I want to… no. I need to break up with you.”
“You need to break up with me? Have I done something wrong? Did may parents say something against you? My friends?”
“No, they’ve been all supportive, but that’s why I have to end this.” Finally, Suho had turned to face Kris. “I don’t feel like I deserve this, any of this. Your friends’ support, my friends’ support, both of our family’s support, even living together. I… it’s not right.”
“What do you mean it’s not right? You said it so yourself, everyone supports us! We have each other! We even have our own place…” Kris was becoming more agitated by the moment.
“No, Yifan…” Suho’s voice was still as calm as ever. “You have your own place. I just came here to live with you.”
“You know that is not true!” Kris slammed his palm on the table. He was not only getting confused, but was getting very angry.
“Why should you think you don’t deserve any of this, Suho? You’ve been nothing but the best boyfriend… no,” Kris corrected himself. “The best partner I could have ever dreamed of. We’ve just graduated. We have our whole lives ahead of us. Together.”
“I know that’s how it is, right?” Suho gave a sad chuckle. “But I don’t think I even deserve you, Yifan. Not right now.”
“That is bullshit and you know it! Suho, why are you making this difficult for us?”
“Yifan, I need to prove…”
“Stop!” Kris held out his hand. “I’m leaving. Just tonight. I’ll leave you to your own thoughts just for tonight. Do whatever you have to do to clear your head. I am too angry to talk to you right now. I don’t want to say something I will regret in the morning.”
Kris rushed out of their pad with blood ringing in his ears. He tried his hardest not to, but he still slammed the door behind him and cursed out loud. He walked to the nearby park, praying that it wouldn’t rain or someone wasn’t out to rob him. Kris stayed there for a couple of hours just staring up at the night sky. In the end, he called his parents to ask if he could stay until the morning. No further questions were asked.
When Kris went back to their home, he tried to enter as quietly as possible, thinking Suho would still be in bed asleep. The scene that greeted him when entered his bedroom was something Kris could never forget for the rest of his life.
The closet and some drawers were open. Suho was gone, and it seemed he was gone in a hurry, taking only some clothes and personal effects. Kris tried to call the other man, but Suho wouldn’t answer. The day after, Kris couldn’t contact him anymore. Suho had changed his number.
Kris tried to contact Suho’s friends, but even they didn’t know where he was. One day, he found the courage to call Suho’s parents, who lived in another city, Suho’s hometown. They told Kris that Suho was safe, but that the other man also needed time to think things out.
Kris never told anyone what really happened that night, not even his friends, Tao, or his parents. He just told them that Suho had to go, and that because he loved him, Kris needed to let him go too. It was a blessing that everyone else believed him and didn’t pester him after.
“And that’s about it really,” Kris told Tao, finishing his story. He chuckled when he saw the younger man with eyes red and puffy with tears.
“You are a heart-wrenching bastard, hyung! You should have told us long ago. We’d always be here for you no matter what.”
Tao suddenly stood up. “Alright, I can’t do this right now. I’m gathering up my dignity. I need to leave before I start crying again.”
When two of them got to the door, the younger man turned around suddenly and squeezed his friend tightly. After a few moments, Tao let go and Kris smiled at his dongsaeng while ruffling the younger one’s hair. Kris opened the door for Tao and was surprised to see Suho there once more with his hand raised. The other man was about to knock.
All of a sudden, Tao let out a loud sob and hugged Suho just as tightly as he did Kris moments before. Suho’s surprise was quite evident in his eyes and tried to communicate as much to Kris. The other man merely gave a shrug. Kris tried hard not to laugh as Tao bawled, before running off down the hallway.
The look of confusion was still on Suho’s face and Kris let out a really loud belly laugh. This other man grew more confused by the second. After a few more moments, Kris managed to calm down and wiped off a tear or two from laughing. With his head, Kris signaled to invite Suho in.
“Would you care to tell me what that was about?” Suho asked.
“Don’t worry. Tao will be fine,” Kris answered as he continued walking inside, not really paying attention to where Suho was. He thought the other was following him through to the living area.
“Yifan, what is this?”
Suho’s tone of voice was a bit unusual. Kris turned around and his eyes widened as he saw what the other man was holding in his hand. It was the diary. Tao must have left it on the foyer table before he left and now Suho was holding it. No, the man wasn’t just holding it. Suho was reading it.
“I-it’s…” Kris cleared his throat. “It’s a diary, or a rather a half-scrapbook, half-diary thing. I was showing it to Tao a while ago before you came. “
Kris didn’t have the strength to lie. Suho was holding onto the diary anyway.
“I-is this from the time when we were together?”
“Y-yes…” Kris sighed and sat down on the sofa, facing the empty TV screen, head down.
“Everything’s so detailed,” Suho spoke behind the other man. “You’ve even saved some of the tickets of things we saw or went to together. Wow…”
“Yeah… what can I say? I enjoyed all of our time together.”
“Oh, my gosh! Are these petals from the roses you sent me on Valentine’s Day?” Suho came around to stand in front of Kris.
“Yep… didn’t want to buy overpriced bouquets from the flower shops,” Kris tried to answer as nonchalantly as he could. “I asked Mom if I could pick a dozen from her roses. She said okay but I had to pick them myself.”
“I remember… Oh, yeah! Was that why you had a lot of bandages on your hands that day?”
“Yeah…” Kris felt the other man look at him, so he raised his and looked back.
“But you told me you took up wushu and that the stick was rough.”
“I needed a few secrets of my own.”
“Yifan…”
At the moment, Kris finally found the courage to seek out the truth. “Why are you here, Suho?”
“What do you mean? Here in your place? Or here-“
“In my life… In my city… In my pad… Here, Suho. Why? Why now?”
Suho let out a sigh as he put down the diary. “To be honest, I came back for you.”
“I seem to recall you were the one in a hurry to get away from me.”
“No, I never wanted to get away from you, Yifan. I wanted to get away from myself.” Suho took a seat beside the other man on the sofa.
Kris didn’t give a reply, wanting the other to continue.
“I went away because I felt my growth as a person was stunted. I’ve always admired you for being able to maintain your individuality even while we were a couple. People knew us together. People knew you. But I felt that people didn’t know me for me. I want to prove something to myself first. I tried to tell you this on the night that-“ Suho choked.
“That we broke up,” Kris finished for him. “I’m sorry if you felt that way. I wish you would have told me sooner. We could have worked things out.”
“No, we couldn’t. You knew me, Yifan. You knew me so much that I sometimes had to look at you to know myself. I felt like I never knew me anymore. Even while we were in college, you were already working hard in your father’s company. You had stocks that had you earning enough not to rely on your parents for money. You even managed to have enough money to get this place in cash. You wouldn’t even let my pay my half in rent, just the utilities.”
“Because I knew you didn’t have that much extra money, Suho. But I still wanted you to become independent. To feel like you are contributing something to this home too. Our home.”
“I understand that now, Yifan. But I never did back then. You always thought more mature for your age. I’ve always admired you for it. That’s why I needed to prove something to myself… that I deserved you. That I deserved the love you’ve given me so freely.”
“And I told you that you never had to,” Kris tried his best to keep calm as he felt all those emotion rushing once more just like the night that Suho left. “Everything I gave was unconditional.”
“I really don’t know,” Suho looked away. “Blame it on youth back then, maybe.”
“And now?” Kris reached out to the other man’s face, pulling back to look into his ex-lover’s eyes. “Why tell me that you came back for me?”
Suho pulled the hand on his face down, holding it tight. “Did you know that your uncle had commissioned a big painting of your extended family back in the main office in the city where I live?”
“I’ve heard of that, yes.”
“He had it placed in the main entrance. After work, I would linger there for more than a few minutes just staring at your face.”
There was a wistful smile on Suho’s face. Kris didn’t know what to say after that confession.
“Somehow… some way… looking at that picture, I realized that I’ve never really let go of you.”
Kris watched as Suho reached out to cup the other man’s cheek in his palm. He felt his eyes close as the warmth of Suho’s hand spread out. He couldn’t lie to himself that he really missed the other man’s touch, that this was still what he was searching for even through the countless dates and boyfriends he’d been through.
Kris felt Suho’s breath draw near and knew that he didn’t have to open his eyes to see Suho’s lips capture his. It was the longest moment of his life until then. He only opened his eyes as they drew apart.
Suho let out another sigh. “When I heard about the executive position opening in this city, I prayed my hardest that I would be chosen by your uncle. I did have a reason to come back. But now, I would like to know if I would have a reason to stay.”
Kris took Suho’s hand in his once more and pulled the other man close. Leaning down for another kiss, Kris said, “You do.”
-End-
-LJY-