? ? ? BLACK existence
Its great that john has moved to leeds and all, but have you noticed, that when one thing in your life is sooo perfect another part just hits rock bottom. Well actually, that is the only thing that is going well. I have no money, no job and my home life is getting worse day by day. With me still not having a job, i have to rely on my mum but i cant even do that anymore, she is ALWAYS skint, we rarely have food in anymore and giving up smoking....Pah!! I want to do it yet at the same time, it seems impossible. And i know this sounds completely crazy but i feel more secure when i have cigs to NOT smoke them. Meaning i cant give up if i have no cigs as i will just walk 5miles for one and it plays on my mind that i dont have any, strange fucking irony, i know, but its just the way i am and i cant give up smoking when i am THIS poor!
I aren't just some lazy ass person, i pull my weight big time, i do the housework most days just as a mother would do, i pick my brother up EVERY day, take him to school most days, this routine has been going on for 4 years now, the part where i am playing "mother", yet i feel that my brother WILL resent me when he is older as he will remmeber that he was always stuck with me, i do try make things fun for him but at the same time i will never be HIS mum, nor would i want to be but my mum is most of the time, conveniently "out" or taking a nap until ALL is peaceful and tidy downstairs, when my brother is in bed and there isnt much washing up. I feel awful that i am going on about this, my mum is at the same time, my best friend but as the days get worse my patience is waring very thin. When the days comes that i do move out, it won't be quietly... I would love to say, "hey, im moving out, fancy helping me decorate my new place mum?" because i would get the guilt trip and would be stuck at home forever. The day i move out of this house will be the day i finally crack. I have gone years without NOT speaking my mind, therefor we never argue, my mum thinks its because "we can tell each other everything and dont need to argue" she can tell me if shes pissed off, if i ever say a word, she walks out claiming that she "needs space".
Things never harmonise, if its not my mums boyfriend, its Her! While she is acting like a spoilt brat, i am actually getting on well with Davy ( mums bf) we are sharing whatever cigs we can get hold of, i am greatful for that. My mum us out now, shes been out for 3 hours, without her phone, she will probably come in either very soon and go straight to bed or 1-2am and she'll be angry at me for been angry at her for me worrying...This is my long rant, i NEED a job, something HAS to give because i feel so fed up with things i am dreading going home every day at 6 o clock, i never know what i am going to bloody find-- good moods, bad moods, things been slung about with them 2 arguing. Like now, things wont just stay the same in the next few days, they will either get worse (if humainly possible) or 100 times better, i hate this age. I hate knowing everything, every problem of my mums and familys, i feel so helpless, i want to make it better but it seems impossible, there is nothing i can do, if it werent for my brother, i would be gone, because in all honesty i am the only person in the family who really has got the time of day for him. If i left i know that this house would fall apart, if not the house, my mum would...
I had a good time today though when i was out of the house, i went to help my friend Rach G strip her walls, we had a good laugh and a nice dinner, i feel safe with other ppl away from my house, just been in my house, its like walking on egg shells 24/7, it is so unpredictable, i feel safe with other ppl, they stay the same, i feel quietly happy. I used to love to be alone but nowadays i cant stand it, i feel that my friends help me keep my sanity. If they cancel on me i feel lost and empty, i never used to be like THAT! If someone cancelled, then hey, thats cool "i'll see u another day Sarah/rach/whoever else" but now i hate THIS, i feel so reliant on everybody now i want to be able to depend on myself, i only hope that things change and i will be doing my old thing again, to feel normal all the time, to have happier times.
This is positively depressing but still its a journal, for the good and mostly bad times. I do wonder where i will be in 5 years, happy sad, smae situation? God help me, please i cant last, like this living in this existence because thats what i am doing right now basically existing, not living. I feel i have forgot how to live.
Gonna go now, Rach x
I aren't just some lazy ass person, i pull my weight big time, i do the housework most days just as a mother would do, i pick my brother up EVERY day, take him to school most days, this routine has been going on for 4 years now, the part where i am playing "mother", yet i feel that my brother WILL resent me when he is older as he will remmeber that he was always stuck with me, i do try make things fun for him but at the same time i will never be HIS mum, nor would i want to be but my mum is most of the time, conveniently "out" or taking a nap until ALL is peaceful and tidy downstairs, when my brother is in bed and there isnt much washing up. I feel awful that i am going on about this, my mum is at the same time, my best friend but as the days get worse my patience is waring very thin. When the days comes that i do move out, it won't be quietly... I would love to say, "hey, im moving out, fancy helping me decorate my new place mum?" because i would get the guilt trip and would be stuck at home forever. The day i move out of this house will be the day i finally crack. I have gone years without NOT speaking my mind, therefor we never argue, my mum thinks its because "we can tell each other everything and dont need to argue" she can tell me if shes pissed off, if i ever say a word, she walks out claiming that she "needs space".
Things never harmonise, if its not my mums boyfriend, its Her! While she is acting like a spoilt brat, i am actually getting on well with Davy ( mums bf) we are sharing whatever cigs we can get hold of, i am greatful for that. My mum us out now, shes been out for 3 hours, without her phone, she will probably come in either very soon and go straight to bed or 1-2am and she'll be angry at me for been angry at her for me worrying...This is my long rant, i NEED a job, something HAS to give because i feel so fed up with things i am dreading going home every day at 6 o clock, i never know what i am going to bloody find-- good moods, bad moods, things been slung about with them 2 arguing. Like now, things wont just stay the same in the next few days, they will either get worse (if humainly possible) or 100 times better, i hate this age. I hate knowing everything, every problem of my mums and familys, i feel so helpless, i want to make it better but it seems impossible, there is nothing i can do, if it werent for my brother, i would be gone, because in all honesty i am the only person in the family who really has got the time of day for him. If i left i know that this house would fall apart, if not the house, my mum would...
I had a good time today though when i was out of the house, i went to help my friend Rach G strip her walls, we had a good laugh and a nice dinner, i feel safe with other ppl away from my house, just been in my house, its like walking on egg shells 24/7, it is so unpredictable, i feel safe with other ppl, they stay the same, i feel quietly happy. I used to love to be alone but nowadays i cant stand it, i feel that my friends help me keep my sanity. If they cancel on me i feel lost and empty, i never used to be like THAT! If someone cancelled, then hey, thats cool "i'll see u another day Sarah/rach/whoever else" but now i hate THIS, i feel so reliant on everybody now i want to be able to depend on myself, i only hope that things change and i will be doing my old thing again, to feel normal all the time, to have happier times.
This is positively depressing but still its a journal, for the good and mostly bad times. I do wonder where i will be in 5 years, happy sad, smae situation? God help me, please i cant last, like this living in this existence because thats what i am doing right now basically existing, not living. I feel i have forgot how to live.
Gonna go now, Rach x