#FINALEE
I wrote this entry on my facebook last June 8th 2019 and thought, as it came up in my memories, that I should post it here, because this journal was created in celebrating my love for the Lee Sun Ho and the moment I've waited for for years finally arrived ♥ I hope you enjoy reading this, as much as I did when I was writing it.
Okay, so D-DAY.
In all honesty, I have been preparing for this ever since last year's charity fanmeeting. I did not get to go (though now that I think about it, I should've) and I saw all the photos and videos of what transpired and I have been thinking about what I would've done had it been me.
Fast forward to May 25th 2019 and you'd think I have prepared enough but in truth I have not, lol.
Okay maybe I prepared a little. I bought a new top just for this event. But that was my only preparation, and I did it the same month I was going to leave, lmao.
Honestly, I vaguely remember all of these, it feels foggy inside my head, all I can remember properly is how his hands felt like, the sweltering lights and the presence. It all feels like it was a dream, more than reality for me.
I remember freaking out and my new friend May calming me down. I remember telling her what I wanted to ask, and she saying that I should do it. Or if I wasn't brave enough, I can always just cling on to his arm like several girls did. I remember palpitating. Laughing. Perspiring. Finally producing sebum on my face when I usually do not, lmao. By the time I have absolutely gone crazy inside my head one of the staffs asked our row to stand up, May laughs at my facial expression and I freak out even more. Even the girl infront of me in line starts laughing. I view the stage and could feel my heart falling and jumping on my chest. I start saying, "I QUIT" again (I have been saying it the moment he came out in a white tux, what even?), chatting with Nerie and asking for courage on my group chat with cousins (they were suggesting to hit me with a chair or something similar for "courage"). I keep closing my eyes trying to access my delusional self, but as usual with Andy, I could not pull her out. I try and decide what I wanted to do. Should I ask to put my arms around him? Hold his hand? Just cling to him? Show him the photos of Tom Holland with his fans and make him choose what pose he'd like? Just stand there like an idiot? What?
I keep hearing my cousin Yrick's voice inside my head. DO NOT WASTE THE MOMENT. YOU HAVE TO SAY HI AND HIS NAME PROPERLY. I start to think of other things too, like if I should pull my sleeves up or not. It all comes down to what I would've wanted to do. I take a very deep breath in and decide to just hold his hand--so I pull my sleeves up to expose my arm, and thus when the photo is taken, you can see our hands clearly.
I remember climbing the stage. One of the staffs asking for my bag, I smile at her apologetically, say sorry (my bag is heavy), she smiles big, takes the bag, "ooff" and I giggle, then I turn towards the center of the stage. I look at Andy and the girl he's taking a photo with, clasping my hand, feeling the cold and rubbing it together to produce heat--I didn't want him to feel the coldness. The girl infront of me goes forward and I put my arms on my chest and couldn't help but smile as Andy turns towards her and gives her a smile, raising his hand for the hi touch. She stands next to him and I look at them biting my lower lip, trying hard not to grin too much. Her turn ends and this my friends, this is where everything blurs for me.
I remember hearing Yrick's voice loud and clear inside my head. My heart beating so fast I was sure I was going to faint. Andy turns to me and gives me a smile, he raises both of his hands for the hi touch and what do you know? I take a step forward, raise my hands and say, "Hi, Andy!" We hi-touch. I don't remember the feeling of this. I stand next to him and slowly turn to his side, take a deep breath and go, "Can we hold hands?". He doesn't move, not even a little, I repeat it, "Can we hold hands?" closer, louder. Andy stops whatever he's doing (posing for the camera) and leans in as if to say, "What?", I breath in again, "Can we hold hands?", He turns to me and smiles, "Oh, sure!". I don't remember exactly how I took his hands, nor do I remember holding my cross necklace, I guess I took it, whatever way was normal. We both turn to the camera and I remember the flashing lights and seeing in my peripheral vision, Andy doing a finger heart. I wanted to chuckle, I try and raise my right hand--the normal hand I do finger hearts with--and REALIZE he's holding it. I raise my left and do a finger heart with him. And as the flash goes off, my mind travel towards our hands and I remember thinking, "It's warm." The camera man takes a few photos, and then Andy turns to me and I say, "Thank you." I don't remember how he looked like, if he smiled or probably said thank you back. I remember being blinded by the stage lights, saying "Whoa", taking my bag from the staff and walking down the stairs and towards the exit aimlessly. May had to pull me back to get my poster & photo card from the door. I was in a daze and I couldn't breathe.
All the while I kept thinking, "It's warm", and my entire sanity focused on my right hand. Even when I saw Celine outside the doors, and she held my right hand, that was all I could think about. How warm it is. And I walked, rode the train, walked again and arrived in Shilin to meet my cousin and niece, I kept looking at my right hand weirdly as if it wasn't there yet I can feel a heavy and warm hand gripping it.
It's weird but pleasant.
Even now as I look back at this i think, it can't have been real. I drifted away from this thoughts for a while in fear that I would get judged from basking in it too much. In a way, I guess, I wanted to just forget about it somehow, so I don't come out as somebody who can't move on from a simple moment. I mean, a lot of people have done that right? There were about 400+ people in that venue. My experience is not THAT big of a deal.
That's the reason this came like 2 weeks later. When I usually would've written it immediately. I am writing this now because, a friend of mine told me that she wanted to celebrate this with me and asked for a blow by blow account, reminding me what being a fan is during the old days. It's all about the emotion, NOT THE COMPETITION. Sure, I can probably do that again in his next charity events, do better next time, but right now, THIS, THIS is what my 2003 self was waiting for. Most fans take a few months to get this, I didn't. And I shouldn't for the life of me, make it a small deal. Because for me, it's huge. These are the things I pray for daily and God has given it to me. MORE THAN I COULD EVER HOPE FOR. So I am sharing it to you now in hopes that when something like this happens to you, you get to tell your story too. AND I WILL CELEBRATE IT WITH YOU.
Funny though, as I write this and try to remember, I could see myself back on that stage, the nervous wreck that I was and I CAN remember. Even a little. And for the first time in weeks, IT FINALLY SUNKED IN.
What a moment.
Lord, as always, thank you. FOR EVERYTHING
All for your greater glory. ALWAYS. FOREVER.
#AMDG #BELIEVE #LUXINDOMINO #FINALEE