I've got a lot of growing up to do...
This June my high school career will end and I will turn 18. I am quite unnerved when I start thinking about my lack of certain rather important abilities. Disciplne, time management, responsibility. To tell you the truth, I have acted more like a little kid this year than any other. It has made both my mom and my sister, not to mention me, question if I am ready for what comes next. I feel like I don't know how to handle myself the way I should being almost 18. And, as I mentioned before, am I ready? The question every kid asks themselves before they leave home is, "Am I ready?" Some answer it in a heart beat,"YES" they say confidently. Some take some time to mull over it, but in the end they always say, "Yeah, no problem". Then you got those kids who, like me, don't know, at all. Even two months in they might still not know if they are ready. I mean I have spent 18 years with my mom, and now all the sudden I am just supposed to move out, do it on my own. Dude, that is scary. It is scary for me because unlike my friends and classmates I have no discipline, I don't manage my time, and I definately have neglected responsibility in every aspect. I have no job, I don't do chores, I don't pay for everything, and when I get stuck, I try to lie and get myself out of it and try to squirm out of the hole. And for the most part I do get out of it. But not in my heart, not in God's eyes. Man, I remember debating with myself just last week about something I KNOW I should not have done, something so stupid. I said to myself, literally, " Lee this is wrong. You shouldn't do this. Okay well maybe it is okay... NO it's not. Actually, I am jsut going to do it." And I did. I mean what the heck is wrong with me. I have no respect, no intergrity. Now I didn't come and write in this thing just to tell you how redick I am being. I wanted to tell anyone who reads this that I have quite a bit of growing up to do. I AM ALMOST 18, for goodness sakes woman!(Pun intended).
So, things going on in my life. Well school is not going too well for me, but I am going to keep optimistic. Prom is just a few short weeks away. I have a dress, it will be altered so I can wear it. The day I got my dress, I got a date which was pretty cool. Jack Aspenwall will be my date to Prom. I know him from youth group and young life and he dated my friend. He's a junior from NA. He's taller than me and that is a plus. My group is going to be fun, I am going with the people I wanted to go with and it's going to be a great time. I already said that,but yeah. I get my license back on tuesday!!! Very exciting. SCA and class elections are next week which is weird cause I am not getting ready for them, I'm a senior. My college sitch isn't worked out yet. Sweet Briar is too expensive, Christopher Newport University waitlisted me and I have to wait probably till June to find out. University of Mary Washington rejected me. All the schools with rolling admissions are all really expensive. God will work everything out, I am feeling left out though. Because everyone knows where they are going, and I really want to as well. Everyone has already worn their college shirts to school. When I am asked by people where I am going or where have I applied I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I don't know. And when I have friends and family ask me every day, every day, I get so frustrated, angry, scared, and I beat myslef up over it. I know God will work it all out, I just have such a hard time. No it is not like I am a starving child in a developing country, but it is hard for me. My relationship with God has taken many roads this year. My friends and I seem to have grown a little farther apart, people are changing and it seems like I am not. All the stuff with my car and driving. The funniest thing though, out of all my rough times this year, my relationship with my sister has been really good compared to other times. That is a miracle, and I thank God for it. We understand a little better what each other is all about. Now I am still 4 years younger, 4 years immature than her. But the gap is closing in. It's on its way. And that is something to sing about. Also, I have released a lot from my past. It feels good too.
I keep saying to myself, "I can't wait till my life starts". Well, it has. And what I should be saying is, " I can't wait for this new phase to get into full swing". I am excited to go to college. Now that I got my foundation, I want something more. I want to go to college, go to graduate school, get a job where i can make a diofference in people's lives, fall in love with a wonderful guy, get married, and have kids. That is something to look forward to. But its also a long way off. Right now I am trying to stay focused in high school so i can graduate and get to college.
I am real pooped, so I am heading off to sleep. Church in the morning. As my sister would say, "Oh Lawd" bless my sleep tonight, so I can fill my day with purpose. Amen.
So, things going on in my life. Well school is not going too well for me, but I am going to keep optimistic. Prom is just a few short weeks away. I have a dress, it will be altered so I can wear it. The day I got my dress, I got a date which was pretty cool. Jack Aspenwall will be my date to Prom. I know him from youth group and young life and he dated my friend. He's a junior from NA. He's taller than me and that is a plus. My group is going to be fun, I am going with the people I wanted to go with and it's going to be a great time. I already said that,but yeah. I get my license back on tuesday!!! Very exciting. SCA and class elections are next week which is weird cause I am not getting ready for them, I'm a senior. My college sitch isn't worked out yet. Sweet Briar is too expensive, Christopher Newport University waitlisted me and I have to wait probably till June to find out. University of Mary Washington rejected me. All the schools with rolling admissions are all really expensive. God will work everything out, I am feeling left out though. Because everyone knows where they are going, and I really want to as well. Everyone has already worn their college shirts to school. When I am asked by people where I am going or where have I applied I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I don't know. And when I have friends and family ask me every day, every day, I get so frustrated, angry, scared, and I beat myslef up over it. I know God will work it all out, I just have such a hard time. No it is not like I am a starving child in a developing country, but it is hard for me. My relationship with God has taken many roads this year. My friends and I seem to have grown a little farther apart, people are changing and it seems like I am not. All the stuff with my car and driving. The funniest thing though, out of all my rough times this year, my relationship with my sister has been really good compared to other times. That is a miracle, and I thank God for it. We understand a little better what each other is all about. Now I am still 4 years younger, 4 years immature than her. But the gap is closing in. It's on its way. And that is something to sing about. Also, I have released a lot from my past. It feels good too.
I keep saying to myself, "I can't wait till my life starts". Well, it has. And what I should be saying is, " I can't wait for this new phase to get into full swing". I am excited to go to college. Now that I got my foundation, I want something more. I want to go to college, go to graduate school, get a job where i can make a diofference in people's lives, fall in love with a wonderful guy, get married, and have kids. That is something to look forward to. But its also a long way off. Right now I am trying to stay focused in high school so i can graduate and get to college.
I am real pooped, so I am heading off to sleep. Church in the morning. As my sister would say, "Oh Lawd" bless my sleep tonight, so I can fill my day with purpose. Amen.