for hours on end
I'm trying so hard right now not to lose it and cry my eyes out. so much that it's physically hurting me. I hate myself right now for feeling that way. I hate myself right now for being the one who feels that way. I hate myself right now for being the one who always seems to feel that way.
I finally had that much needed talk with Maxime yesterday. perfect timing I thought, we've got more than an hour drive to his parent's place (gave him a lift), I can lock the doors, he'll have to answer me. and he did. he was really sweet trying to hide how uncomfortable he was but it's not like it was easy for me to bring it up either. I just had to bring it up. I pretty much asked him if he thought we'd still be seeing each other in a couple of months. a question I already knew the answer to but had to ask to initiate the conversation. he told me that he'd like to if I wanted to. thing is, I know what I want, what I need to know is what he wants. and I found out that what he wants is really nothing more than what we have now which breaks my heart.
he let know that he didn't want to get seriously attached with somebody right now as it wouldn't be fair for him and that person since he doesn't know what's gonna happen in the upcoming months with him. if he'll be staying in Montreal for long or if he'll get a job somewhere else and move. and even though I completely understand that, at the same time, I feel like it's the easiest excuse in the world. he asked if I was alright, asked if my heart was racing. I told him I was fine and that I understood but to be honest, I was just so disapointed. I let my guards down again, thinking it might be different for once. turns out it's the same old ending.
I was honest with him and told him that for the last month and a half, I pretty much focused all my energies on him and haven't met anyone else, that I'm just not interested. he told me that he wouldn't want me to lose any opportunity to meet other guys if I wanted to but that if it made me feel any better, he hasn't met anyone else either. it does but, for how long.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I've been staring at this page for hours (7 to be precise). the feeling's clear in my head, I just can't seem to put it into words. I lost it earlier, the thought of ending things with him pains me. the thought of going back to my old routine pains me. not knowing when I'll get to see him again pains me. I'm already attached to him wether he likes it or not. he's become more than a friend and I don't want to lose him. I know it's not the end, I know I'll still get to see him but it makes me wonder if that feeling will be back everytime I see him from now.
he gave me the sweetest kiss goodbye in the car yesterday. made me forget everything for a moment. I just wish he'd kiss me for hours on end.
I finally had that much needed talk with Maxime yesterday. perfect timing I thought, we've got more than an hour drive to his parent's place (gave him a lift), I can lock the doors, he'll have to answer me. and he did. he was really sweet trying to hide how uncomfortable he was but it's not like it was easy for me to bring it up either. I just had to bring it up. I pretty much asked him if he thought we'd still be seeing each other in a couple of months. a question I already knew the answer to but had to ask to initiate the conversation. he told me that he'd like to if I wanted to. thing is, I know what I want, what I need to know is what he wants. and I found out that what he wants is really nothing more than what we have now which breaks my heart.
he let know that he didn't want to get seriously attached with somebody right now as it wouldn't be fair for him and that person since he doesn't know what's gonna happen in the upcoming months with him. if he'll be staying in Montreal for long or if he'll get a job somewhere else and move. and even though I completely understand that, at the same time, I feel like it's the easiest excuse in the world. he asked if I was alright, asked if my heart was racing. I told him I was fine and that I understood but to be honest, I was just so disapointed. I let my guards down again, thinking it might be different for once. turns out it's the same old ending.
I was honest with him and told him that for the last month and a half, I pretty much focused all my energies on him and haven't met anyone else, that I'm just not interested. he told me that he wouldn't want me to lose any opportunity to meet other guys if I wanted to but that if it made me feel any better, he hasn't met anyone else either. it does but, for how long.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I've been staring at this page for hours (7 to be precise). the feeling's clear in my head, I just can't seem to put it into words. I lost it earlier, the thought of ending things with him pains me. the thought of going back to my old routine pains me. not knowing when I'll get to see him again pains me. I'm already attached to him wether he likes it or not. he's become more than a friend and I don't want to lose him. I know it's not the end, I know I'll still get to see him but it makes me wonder if that feeling will be back everytime I see him from now.
he gave me the sweetest kiss goodbye in the car yesterday. made me forget everything for a moment. I just wish he'd kiss me for hours on end.