If Only I Knew Where to Begin
so... yea. it's been a bit too long since my lst update. not like that's unusual, and anyone who's reading this is probably too surprised that i actually updated to care what i really have to say, so i guess it doesn't matter much what i say anyway.
im home on spring break, which has been nice. my friend and i headed to the beach for a couple of days, which was rather chilly, but very fun. lots of junk food and reminiscing and talking about the way things are now and the way they will be far too soon for either of our tastes. i think she worries about my opinions a lot, and maybe that's a good thing. maybe it's a safety for her (i don't mean this condescendingly). but it's a really weird situation because there are obviously things we don't agree on anymore, and maybe we just assumed that we agreed on them to begin with. i guess we'll never really know. and its hard for me to tell her what i really feel, that im actually a little jealous. and its not entirely that i want to be her or do the things she does, but i want her to know that i admire the way she can live her life. i do worry about her, in a healthy way. but in the end i know she can take care of herself. probably better than i can.
but the beach was nice, and the sun was brilliant, and the sunset was one of the prettiest i've seen in a really really long time. like sense new year's day. and it was just so soothing to hear the waves again, even though they were icy enough to turn your feet into cement on the frigid sand. but there was such happiness on the beach. children running with their dads, dogs running with their surprisingly resemblant masters, and this poor guy and his daughter that couldnt fly a kite to save their lives but had fun anyway. and then there was the coffee shop with the floor of huge ceramic tile. it wasnt just a coffee shop: it was also an art gallery and it doubled as a yoga studio on thursday nights. it was the kind of place i've always thought would be ideal to run. sure business would drop off during half the year. but it was beautiful in its own way. the window on to the little bit of a mainstreet that's there and the way the geeky-hot (there needs to be a word for that) guy behind the counter knew the three little skater kids that walked in and talked to them to make them feel cool. and there's something to be said for the ramdon-item snack bar, and the overpriced totebags made from yacht sails, and the guitar pick earrings that, if i hadn't been trying to save money, i definitely would have bought. plus they would go with my new shoes.
and there's also something to be said for small little hot dog places that you hoped more than anything all the way there that they would still be open and that you would actually be able to find them. and then finding it, and eating there. it's like everything that happened in the last 10 years or so just dripped off of a pane of glass like melted ice cream, and there it was. my childhood, at least a little part of it. and it wasnt the kind of part of it that brings about a revelation or a memoir, just a little whiff of something i idolized over the years. that's all. like im sure the fried pickles will taste just as good in about 15 years. somehow i think those will be one of the things i will crave when im pregnant. future husband: be forewarned.
and i dont really know what to do about the changes that will be coming in the next couple of months. i know i cant let them break me, we all deserve more than that. i just need to reach inside myself and grab hold of the strength i always wanted to be there. it is there; that type of strength isnt imagined. maybe its just prophesied.
anyway. i need to run. maybe more will come tonight. after all i have lots to say that i didnt get to.
im home on spring break, which has been nice. my friend and i headed to the beach for a couple of days, which was rather chilly, but very fun. lots of junk food and reminiscing and talking about the way things are now and the way they will be far too soon for either of our tastes. i think she worries about my opinions a lot, and maybe that's a good thing. maybe it's a safety for her (i don't mean this condescendingly). but it's a really weird situation because there are obviously things we don't agree on anymore, and maybe we just assumed that we agreed on them to begin with. i guess we'll never really know. and its hard for me to tell her what i really feel, that im actually a little jealous. and its not entirely that i want to be her or do the things she does, but i want her to know that i admire the way she can live her life. i do worry about her, in a healthy way. but in the end i know she can take care of herself. probably better than i can.
but the beach was nice, and the sun was brilliant, and the sunset was one of the prettiest i've seen in a really really long time. like sense new year's day. and it was just so soothing to hear the waves again, even though they were icy enough to turn your feet into cement on the frigid sand. but there was such happiness on the beach. children running with their dads, dogs running with their surprisingly resemblant masters, and this poor guy and his daughter that couldnt fly a kite to save their lives but had fun anyway. and then there was the coffee shop with the floor of huge ceramic tile. it wasnt just a coffee shop: it was also an art gallery and it doubled as a yoga studio on thursday nights. it was the kind of place i've always thought would be ideal to run. sure business would drop off during half the year. but it was beautiful in its own way. the window on to the little bit of a mainstreet that's there and the way the geeky-hot (there needs to be a word for that) guy behind the counter knew the three little skater kids that walked in and talked to them to make them feel cool. and there's something to be said for the ramdon-item snack bar, and the overpriced totebags made from yacht sails, and the guitar pick earrings that, if i hadn't been trying to save money, i definitely would have bought. plus they would go with my new shoes.
and there's also something to be said for small little hot dog places that you hoped more than anything all the way there that they would still be open and that you would actually be able to find them. and then finding it, and eating there. it's like everything that happened in the last 10 years or so just dripped off of a pane of glass like melted ice cream, and there it was. my childhood, at least a little part of it. and it wasnt the kind of part of it that brings about a revelation or a memoir, just a little whiff of something i idolized over the years. that's all. like im sure the fried pickles will taste just as good in about 15 years. somehow i think those will be one of the things i will crave when im pregnant. future husband: be forewarned.
and i dont really know what to do about the changes that will be coming in the next couple of months. i know i cant let them break me, we all deserve more than that. i just need to reach inside myself and grab hold of the strength i always wanted to be there. it is there; that type of strength isnt imagined. maybe its just prophesied.
anyway. i need to run. maybe more will come tonight. after all i have lots to say that i didnt get to.