The Sexual Self
One of the biggest misconceptions about sexuality is that it is primarily an external trait. Think about this for a moment. How often are people defined sexually by who they are sleeping with at the moment, or if indeed they are sexually active with a partner at all? Or say, perhaps, by the number of partners they have had or the type of person they choose for sexual partners? When looking at a person in a relationship, it is quite likely that you would automatically form ideas about their sexuality: that they are sexually active, that their primary attraction is toward someone of the gender, body type, or personality of their current partner.
Stop and think about that for a moment.
It’s a very external way to define sexuality. And perhaps it’s the only option one has, when thinking about the sexuality of strangers or those one would never have reason to talk to on the matter. It isn’t necessary to understand someone’s deep inner sexual landscape in order to get to know them, and in a lot of cases even the sexual orientations or preferences of close friends take a long time to understand.
However, there are a couple of downsides to this. One of them, I think, is the idea of ‘sexuality suddenly changing’. It’s quite common for people to feel betrayed when their friends show changes in sexual behavior, as if they’ve been ‘left out of the loop’ somehow, or as if the person has ‘magically become different’. Whether the new behavior is an increase in promiscuity, a partner of a different gender than before, a partner of a different social status... these are all things that can draw unwanted attention to a person, as if they had somehow ‘changed’, just because they showed an interest that had gone unspoken before.
In fact, that interest was most likely there all along. Because sexuality is not something created by a relationship. While one can choose to have sex within the confines of a romantic relationship, it is not that current relationship that makes one a sexual being, or defines the shape of that sexuality.
Let’s say, for example, we have a bisexual male with dominant tendencies who prefers oral play to any other type of sexual stimulation. If he’s not in a relationship, perhaps he watches pornography involving both genders, tends to masturbate in the shower, has fantasies about exerting dominance over someone physically stronger than himself, or of a higher social status.
Then let’s say he dates a woman. Let’s even say, for argument’s sake, that he dates a woman who isn’t interested in giving blow jobs. At the moment, he is in a monogamous relationship with a female and is engaging in mostly penetrative sex, possibly the occasional hand job. Maybe the woman is a switch, and thus he plays both roles for her, to fulfill her needs.
Does this make our theoretical man suddenly a straight man who prefers penis-in-vagina sex and is a switch? No, it does not. Granted, over time in a long-term relationship, the way that he views himself might gradually change, but that isn’t a thing that happens overnight, however it might appear to an outside observer.
The other major downside, I think, to this way of defining sexuality, is that a lot of people don’t seem to understand that … everyone has sexual traits, whether they are sexually active or not. Granted, in some cases the most prevalent trait might be ‘not interested’ or ‘asexual’, but that’s still technically a definition of sexuality. People who feel that they can’t explore their sexuality without ‘outside aid’ are missing out on a lot, and often putting themselves in a bad position if they do choose to have a relationship.
Let’s take, for example, two teenage girls. Girl A has always seen sexuality as an innate trait that is completely under her own control. She learns her own body, finds the best ways to pleasure herself, considers what she is attracted to, perhaps explores kinks a little. She’s never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, but she has a good idea of what she sexually is interested in and wants to try.
Girl B, on the other hand, has always seen sexuality as a part of a relationship with a partner. Therefore, she has focused her time not on getting to know herself or choosing things which interest her to explore, but trying to learn what is most interesting to the type of person she thinks she wants to attract.
Now lets say that Girl A and Girl B are both approached by the same young woman, one who has comes on very strong and is quite manipulative in the pursuit of her desired sexual partner. She makes advances based on her own interests, perhaps throws in a little romantic talk, and then pours on the pressure to start trying things that are a little advanced for a newcomer to partner sex.
Girl A has her list of things she will and won’t try ready. She is quite comfortable with her own body, and isn’t easily pressured into things that she doesn’t feel are in her best interest.
Girl B, on the other hand, has only thought about sexuality in terms of what the other party wants. She doesn’t have a firm grasp on what she is interested in, doesn’t know what too much pressure looks like, and quite frankly isn’t sure whether that weird feeling in her tummy during a certain act is revulsion or something that’s supposed to be there.
Given these possibilities, it’s obvious that Girl A is far more equipped to deal with a situation where she’s uncomfortable, because she’s learned where she is comfortable, and also knows that if she tells her aggressive partner to back off, she’s not cutting off her only source of sexual pleasure.
Either of these situations - whether it’s being ready to deal with a sexual partner or being ready to deal with what seems like sudden change in a friend - point to the idea that ‘the sexual self’ is an important thought process. Being able to define oneself first in terms that only consider your own desires and interests goes a long way to developing a healthy sexuality, and being able to define others only with the sexual labels they have provided allows us to keep an open mind and accept change as it happens. In either of these cases, the key to a healthy view of sex is knowing that difference between ‘a relationship’ and ‘sexuality’. Because ultimately, the two things, while they might often overlap, are not one and the same.