moving on and out
So yeah, I haven't updated in awhile.
Another year at school finished. Didn't graduate tho, I was a smart kid and added a second major my senior year. Maybe it's good tho, not having to get into the real world yet. It was weird to watch everyone in my class graduate without me.
Also, my parents seperated. My dad just got an apartment in springfield. It makes for a lot of awkwardness. But it also allows my mom to shit all over me without a buffer zone. She's pretty much just decided to put anything that she doesn't want to deal with on my father and blame him for it as well. She's trying to do this with me too, but I don't think she realizes the implications. My father loves her and appeases her to keep whatever sad connection still remains between them. I am not so interested in keeping any sort of relationship with her if she decides to be an unreasonable bitch. So now, as I am preparing to get ready to move to north carolina for my summer job, she decides that my belongings are no longer fit for my room, or her new guest room, as she has decided. She tells me that instead of keeping my clothing and other possesions in my dressers and closet, that I must move them into storage, for no other reason than that she doesn't like them. and she's decided that she is no longer responsible for me in any kind of financial way. But she still expects me to be emotionally supportive to her and my siblings because they are going through tough times. Yeah, it doesn't hurt me at all that my family has been completely uprooted or that she's pretty much pushing me out of her life in any capacity that makes her motherly. nope, it's selfish if I even mention such things. also, I am 22, so she's no longer obligated to give a shit I guess.
So I wish I could move into my dad's apartment, but there are only 2 bedrooms. And one of them is my little brother's. yep, he has 2 and I have 0. But then, he's only 11 so the seperation is harder for him so he needs a bedroom in both houses to be okay. And it's completely logical that I should just be cast aside. And my dad thinks I should try to work on my relationship with my mom and live at her house. But I refuse to get treated like a second class citizen in my own fucking residence. She always has a reason to treat me like crap, and I don't care about her reasons, I'm just done with them and with her. And it sucks, I'm going to move everything I own out of her house and live with my dad I guess for a few days until I move for the summer to NC. And then I really don't want to come back to her house ever again, but I know I'm going to get guilt tripped into spending holidays there so that my other relatives feel better about this fucked up family. It's sad, I don't really want to lose my mother, but how much can I take without losing my self-respect? At what point to you take someone out of your life? do I let myself get put into emotionally straining positions because she gave birth to me?! She usually only calls me to see if I can get her pot, so I don't even feel like she's motherly to me anymore anyway. And I hate that if I decide not to see her or speak to her for awhile, other family members will be mad at me like it's my fault.
So I guess when I find and move into an apartment for my last year of school in august, it will be the end of my living with my parents for good unless my dad decides to let me live with him. It's really scary. And really sad that it has to be this way, and even sadder that it will be viewed as my fault. I just hope I can afford to live decently on my own.
bleh. why does my family suck so much?!
or maybe I am crazy?
I don't know anymore. I'm just tired and can't deal with it anymore.
Another year at school finished. Didn't graduate tho, I was a smart kid and added a second major my senior year. Maybe it's good tho, not having to get into the real world yet. It was weird to watch everyone in my class graduate without me.
Also, my parents seperated. My dad just got an apartment in springfield. It makes for a lot of awkwardness. But it also allows my mom to shit all over me without a buffer zone. She's pretty much just decided to put anything that she doesn't want to deal with on my father and blame him for it as well. She's trying to do this with me too, but I don't think she realizes the implications. My father loves her and appeases her to keep whatever sad connection still remains between them. I am not so interested in keeping any sort of relationship with her if she decides to be an unreasonable bitch. So now, as I am preparing to get ready to move to north carolina for my summer job, she decides that my belongings are no longer fit for my room, or her new guest room, as she has decided. She tells me that instead of keeping my clothing and other possesions in my dressers and closet, that I must move them into storage, for no other reason than that she doesn't like them. and she's decided that she is no longer responsible for me in any kind of financial way. But she still expects me to be emotionally supportive to her and my siblings because they are going through tough times. Yeah, it doesn't hurt me at all that my family has been completely uprooted or that she's pretty much pushing me out of her life in any capacity that makes her motherly. nope, it's selfish if I even mention such things. also, I am 22, so she's no longer obligated to give a shit I guess.
So I wish I could move into my dad's apartment, but there are only 2 bedrooms. And one of them is my little brother's. yep, he has 2 and I have 0. But then, he's only 11 so the seperation is harder for him so he needs a bedroom in both houses to be okay. And it's completely logical that I should just be cast aside. And my dad thinks I should try to work on my relationship with my mom and live at her house. But I refuse to get treated like a second class citizen in my own fucking residence. She always has a reason to treat me like crap, and I don't care about her reasons, I'm just done with them and with her. And it sucks, I'm going to move everything I own out of her house and live with my dad I guess for a few days until I move for the summer to NC. And then I really don't want to come back to her house ever again, but I know I'm going to get guilt tripped into spending holidays there so that my other relatives feel better about this fucked up family. It's sad, I don't really want to lose my mother, but how much can I take without losing my self-respect? At what point to you take someone out of your life? do I let myself get put into emotionally straining positions because she gave birth to me?! She usually only calls me to see if I can get her pot, so I don't even feel like she's motherly to me anymore anyway. And I hate that if I decide not to see her or speak to her for awhile, other family members will be mad at me like it's my fault.
So I guess when I find and move into an apartment for my last year of school in august, it will be the end of my living with my parents for good unless my dad decides to let me live with him. It's really scary. And really sad that it has to be this way, and even sadder that it will be viewed as my fault. I just hope I can afford to live decently on my own.
bleh. why does my family suck so much?!
or maybe I am crazy?
I don't know anymore. I'm just tired and can't deal with it anymore.