various complaints.
my boy won't call when i ask him to. i know he enjoys it when he does, and is just generally lazy and irresponsible, but of course i don't like this. i miss him, i love him, he's too far away and i won't see him for another three months. of course i'd like to talk to him and hear from him. i get very little as it is, since now that i'm in classes practically all day, every day, i can barely text him, let alone talk to him on msn, and he works too. argh blargh. those little insecure voices in my head are saying "you two did talk about Not doing long distance at all, maybe he's trying to make you let go, maybe he doesn't want this". i wish i could just hear from him to make that go away, or at least have him confirm one way or the other.
the insecurities. again this year, i'm having a problem with myself and how hard it is for me to make friends. i hate the process, am not self confident or secure or straightforward or anything enough to just put myself out there to see if people like me. most of the time i assume i'm not wanted. which i know, is not exactly the best attitude i could take towards it, but i can't help it. it's just the way i'm built. i've never been good at this, and as much as i've wanted to make friends, never knew how to actually do it. this leads to me being terribly dissatisfied with myself half the time, especially on days like today when the few friends i do have on campus all make plans with other people. three times today i was excluded; once right in front of me. it was awesome. so of course, when i get upset and angsty about that, i go back to being angsty and upset with myself for not having the guts to make friends, for knowing so few people.
and speaking of friends. much as i love my roommate, she was one of the ones to exclude me today. she's making more friends faster than i did, faster than i ever have. and when do i get to spend time with her? never. we eat meals together Sometimes, talk Occasionally, and have actually hung out all of Once. we went to a floor crawl in my old res last weekend, got tipsy, danced a lot, had tons of fun. but of course, she had too much, had the most wicked hangover i've seen, and decides to be all responsible and give up booze again. so looks like the only avenue of fun i've had with my own damn roommate has gone right out the window. you know what we do when we're both home? sit in our rooms, on our individual laptops. given, up til now, there hasn't been anything else to do around here. but it sucks. she closes her door. i'm finally living with someone i like, and i'm practically shut out. we said we'd watch a certain tv premiere together; it got delayed because the cable people fucked up. she watched it alone in her room, closed the door against me. she goes out with these friends, has never once invited me to go with her. i want to spend time with my friend! that's why i wanted this! but we're just two separate amicable people living as roommates... i don't know what to do. it just sucks. i wouldn't try to control her social life, but man. i found her this place. i wanted to live with her. it'd be nice if she wanted to live with me too.
...on the bright side, my voice studies are looking up? i'm getting back into the rhythm of school, getting a little more organized and my voice is shaping up to really have improved since last year. i'm very happy with that. i hope it continues like that. last year was tough for me for being organized at all and being disciplined enough to practice and keep myself working on homework and various important projects. i'm learning what this semester will have to take, and i'm setting more deadlines for myself with voice etc to hopefully get my rear in gear. i have to remember that this is what i'm here for; it's not just school and classes, it's my choice and my studies. i do want to ace this.
the insecurities. again this year, i'm having a problem with myself and how hard it is for me to make friends. i hate the process, am not self confident or secure or straightforward or anything enough to just put myself out there to see if people like me. most of the time i assume i'm not wanted. which i know, is not exactly the best attitude i could take towards it, but i can't help it. it's just the way i'm built. i've never been good at this, and as much as i've wanted to make friends, never knew how to actually do it. this leads to me being terribly dissatisfied with myself half the time, especially on days like today when the few friends i do have on campus all make plans with other people. three times today i was excluded; once right in front of me. it was awesome. so of course, when i get upset and angsty about that, i go back to being angsty and upset with myself for not having the guts to make friends, for knowing so few people.
and speaking of friends. much as i love my roommate, she was one of the ones to exclude me today. she's making more friends faster than i did, faster than i ever have. and when do i get to spend time with her? never. we eat meals together Sometimes, talk Occasionally, and have actually hung out all of Once. we went to a floor crawl in my old res last weekend, got tipsy, danced a lot, had tons of fun. but of course, she had too much, had the most wicked hangover i've seen, and decides to be all responsible and give up booze again. so looks like the only avenue of fun i've had with my own damn roommate has gone right out the window. you know what we do when we're both home? sit in our rooms, on our individual laptops. given, up til now, there hasn't been anything else to do around here. but it sucks. she closes her door. i'm finally living with someone i like, and i'm practically shut out. we said we'd watch a certain tv premiere together; it got delayed because the cable people fucked up. she watched it alone in her room, closed the door against me. she goes out with these friends, has never once invited me to go with her. i want to spend time with my friend! that's why i wanted this! but we're just two separate amicable people living as roommates... i don't know what to do. it just sucks. i wouldn't try to control her social life, but man. i found her this place. i wanted to live with her. it'd be nice if she wanted to live with me too.
...on the bright side, my voice studies are looking up? i'm getting back into the rhythm of school, getting a little more organized and my voice is shaping up to really have improved since last year. i'm very happy with that. i hope it continues like that. last year was tough for me for being organized at all and being disciplined enough to practice and keep myself working on homework and various important projects. i'm learning what this semester will have to take, and i'm setting more deadlines for myself with voice etc to hopefully get my rear in gear. i have to remember that this is what i'm here for; it's not just school and classes, it's my choice and my studies. i do want to ace this.