What has my life become?
Lately I've come to realize I cannot make anyone around me happy, including myself, which should be my first and foremost priority. Everyone always says, worry about making yourself happy first before pleasing others. I am not happy. I've come to see lately that I'm not happy with myself, my body, my mind.. anything! I spend a lot of time complaining about how sick I feel, how tired I am, how pissed off I am with every situation I am in. I cannot remember the last time I genuinely felt as if I had no worries. I am losing interest in everything around me, things that once made me happy and full of joy are now doing nothing for me. Reading this on the outside, it sounds like a classic case of depression, and you know what, they're right. I have depression, no matter how many times I will deny it, or make excuses, I have depression. I am weak and.. I. Hate. My. Self. Therefore, I can't possibly make others happy if I cannot make myself happy. It's a vicious cycle that has been a part of my life since the beginning. I've gotten pretty good at hiding it. Everywhere I go, everything I say I hit a brick wall.
It has grown pretty apparent that I feed off of others emotions to act upon my own. When someone is upset, so am I. When someone is happy, magically I am too! When someone is pissed off, well, so am I! I make myself into what I think I should be and I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and it is really starting to tire me. I am mentally exhausted and lately I have been coming to my breaking point. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get worried when I make someone else upset and I am so mentally broken from it, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot go on like this. I hate my medical condition (seizures), and go on, you can say "oh stop.. it's under control now.." well, fine, yes it's under control but the part that bothers me is that I STILL HAVE IT just hiding it under medication! My head is so fucked up from it, I can't think anymore, my words come out jumbled, I cannot think of the right words to say, I cannot retain information and worst of all, I have the nagging at the back of my head saying, "I STILL CAN HAVE A SEIZURE AT ANY TIME." Sure, you can say I'm dwelling on it, or it won't happen, well I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't because you're not me. The more days go on, the more I realize it.
And I hate it.
It has grown pretty apparent that I feed off of others emotions to act upon my own. When someone is upset, so am I. When someone is happy, magically I am too! When someone is pissed off, well, so am I! I make myself into what I think I should be and I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and it is really starting to tire me. I am mentally exhausted and lately I have been coming to my breaking point. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get worried when I make someone else upset and I am so mentally broken from it, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot go on like this. I hate my medical condition (seizures), and go on, you can say "oh stop.. it's under control now.." well, fine, yes it's under control but the part that bothers me is that I STILL HAVE IT just hiding it under medication! My head is so fucked up from it, I can't think anymore, my words come out jumbled, I cannot think of the right words to say, I cannot retain information and worst of all, I have the nagging at the back of my head saying, "I STILL CAN HAVE A SEIZURE AT ANY TIME." Sure, you can say I'm dwelling on it, or it won't happen, well I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't because you're not me. The more days go on, the more I realize it.
And I hate it.