(no subject)
I am tired of bullshit.
I hate that I can not seem to handle a friendship with any guy anymore, and not somehow accidently lead him to believe that it will ever be more than that. Am I somehow way overly flirtatious and just don't realize it? I try to treat everyone the same (guys and girls), or at least be nice to everyone, and apparently, that's either 1) way too attractive or 2) i go about it totally wrong. I can't think of a [local] male friend that I have that has never suggested dating to me, or worse, something sexual. Is that just part of being this age and a girl, or is it just me, sucking at life? And it gets me into really fucking stupid situations (ex., people with girlfriends) that stress me the fuck out to the point of physical discomfort. I am beyond tired of the constant blame I take for things I don't have control over, having to hide something from everyone, stupid fucking shit that has no end in sight.
It's probably just me.
I'm so ready to move far, far away from everyone I know, and Marlaina is the only person who is even remotely invited to come with me.
And on top of that, I had some fucked up dream last night that I was chewing gum and could not get rid of it, (it was like, reforming in my teeth), and it was choking me. In the same dream, I was in some weird place with Nick, who looked completely different and talked like a gay person becuase he had made it in Hollywood, and he was continuously asking me what I wanted. "What do YOU want, Lis? What do you want? What is it that you want? What do you want?" CONTINUOUSLY, for like three minutes. And in my dream I was staring at the floor, gently rocking back and forth, trying not to cry, and I ended up waking myself up becuase I could tell it was an uncomfortable dream, and I had watery eyes, like I for real was starting to cry.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Dreams like that stress me out too.
But maybe therein lies my problem. I just need to figure out what the fuck it is I want, and screw the rest of you.
I don't want Caity to move back to school on Sunday. I'm going to go back to being lonely all the time, again. Suck.
/pessmism
I hate that I can not seem to handle a friendship with any guy anymore, and not somehow accidently lead him to believe that it will ever be more than that. Am I somehow way overly flirtatious and just don't realize it? I try to treat everyone the same (guys and girls), or at least be nice to everyone, and apparently, that's either 1) way too attractive or 2) i go about it totally wrong. I can't think of a [local] male friend that I have that has never suggested dating to me, or worse, something sexual. Is that just part of being this age and a girl, or is it just me, sucking at life? And it gets me into really fucking stupid situations (ex., people with girlfriends) that stress me the fuck out to the point of physical discomfort. I am beyond tired of the constant blame I take for things I don't have control over, having to hide something from everyone, stupid fucking shit that has no end in sight.
It's probably just me.
I'm so ready to move far, far away from everyone I know, and Marlaina is the only person who is even remotely invited to come with me.
And on top of that, I had some fucked up dream last night that I was chewing gum and could not get rid of it, (it was like, reforming in my teeth), and it was choking me. In the same dream, I was in some weird place with Nick, who looked completely different and talked like a gay person becuase he had made it in Hollywood, and he was continuously asking me what I wanted. "What do YOU want, Lis? What do you want? What is it that you want? What do you want?" CONTINUOUSLY, for like three minutes. And in my dream I was staring at the floor, gently rocking back and forth, trying not to cry, and I ended up waking myself up becuase I could tell it was an uncomfortable dream, and I had watery eyes, like I for real was starting to cry.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Dreams like that stress me out too.
But maybe therein lies my problem. I just need to figure out what the fuck it is I want, and screw the rest of you.
I don't want Caity to move back to school on Sunday. I'm going to go back to being lonely all the time, again. Suck.
/pessmism