check yourself
So it’s my birthday in five days time. And I’m kind of excited to be honest. Which may be somewhat of a late development in ‘norm’ standards, but I’ve never had a real birthday party as an adult before. Not even my 21st was anywhere near a get together, it was a blurb in the short period of time I have been lucky enough to hang around here.
I’m also getting paperwork sorted to go and study a little something at UNISA. Two options at the moment and I’m not sure which one to take. Either of them will be a heap of work and a slight pain in the proverbial ass, but if I get to pull through it, I can work from home and won’t have to worry too much about an income. Which sounds like cheese yes, I know this, but I would love to not use public transport anymore. I mean seriously, getting up at 04:30am every day Monday to Friday and getting home 15 hours later is exhausting. It makes me feel like I’m backtracking all the time. Spinning and spinning a circle and not quite moving forward. With this bullshit oil price and the asses that control it, I really feel like building a car that can run on crap or something. Things have to give some time or the other right? Might as well run on our own gas.
A year and four months ago I moved in to our flat. It feels like yesterday, yet there has happened so much. This will be our second winter together here. It seems surreal to a degree. That I can leave your sleeping form snuggled up with blankets, sometimes buried underneath them in the dark of early morning and feel this love for you, still pulling at my chest towards you. It unsettles me sometimes and I struggle with myself to believe that just every now and then you do stay with me because you do love me.
It was not easy considering my heart being torn between the two of you. And what hurt most about it was that both of you would make and be made happy. I would be catapulted back into the music industry, mixology *and flair** events, and the fast lane if I had picked you. You with the glimmer of darkness in your eyes, you with the arrogant mouth, you who confessed yourself to me in the dead of night while you thought I was sleeping; hoping somewhere deep inside of you that I would pick up on the duality in your words while awake. I did you know, I just chose not to point it out. I did not want to be made vulnerable to loving you. For it would be worse than death losing you. My emotions are too feral when presented with this. I cannot focus and even though it would be the most passionate love of my life, I cannot risk it. There are reasons beyond what I would like to admit for this, one of them being that from our first meeting I still struggle to breathe properly around you; after four, no five years of knowing you. After sharing a bed for a month because your one fucked up ex girlfriend did the whole crazy stalker thing and my place was the only one she could not get to. I still catch myself every now and then pulling her close and pressing her hands on my heart like you would do lying next to me. I do not want this I tell myself. It is simply too scary to think about. I know it will set me free and yet it could also make me lose all of me. So I decided to write you a letter and burnt it. To pour my heart out and tell you how I have thought of touching you, whispering with my fingers across your forehead to tuck in a stray strand of hair. I cried; for days inside of me I cried. And then I burned the letter. The crying stopped and now I look at you as a friend. I have told myself that she is better for me, that she loves and supports me more than you would be able to. She is my safety. She has become more stable through being with me. She is no longer as untamed as she was when we first met. Make no mistake however, she is very strong willed and often selfish and that is what keeps me focused. I understand her more now than I did when we were all still just friends. And I think it better this way, for I am happy and I do love her. The nagging in my mind will eventually go away completely.
I’m saving up slowly but surely for a motorcycle again. The itch to get up and ride a good couple of kilometers has started burning inside me. Fortunately (or is it not?) Izzy is also an bike enthusiast, albeit a wilder rider than I am. Speed freak and all that, I’m the touring and cruising type so Yamaha please bring out an eve freakier looking on/off roader or touring type please?! I will spend my monies gladly if you get this right. Since I don’t think it’s a good idea, as much as I want it to go and get the R6. It’s too sexy and I will not want to climb off it.
Oh and finishing writing that fanfic I started about an age ago. Some nasty twists and turns, but I think it works out well. So hopefully everything will kick up a gear - motivation go!