(no subject)
I'm not scared to admit it.
I am in tears. Absolute fucking tears. I hate this.
It's entirely possible that I will never see Kristin again.
She's going back to California tomorrow, possibly and most likely for good, and she t old Lindsey that she's "busy" today. Well that is fucking shit. Too busy for us?
I thought we were friends. And dare I say it, best friends? Yeah. I know Lindsey has whoever down in Florida, and Kristin has Sammy in California, and I have Amanda in New York. But here, here it was us. Plus a few other people, but when it came down to it. It was us, the three of us. And I thought maybe we'd come to mean something to each other. Maybe I'm a sappy person, though, and was wrong.
Maybe everything we've been through together -- the whole eating thing, the cutting, guys, the water fountain drinking contest, poodle, fights with other people, Zack, etc. Maybe all that, doesn't matter.
And that's the vibe I'm sure as hell getting from the situation right now.
I went out to the movies with Kristin on Wednesday night. And we had a good laugh, we saw Raising Hellen and it was quite hillarious. But all we did was laugh, I didn't even say a real goodbye cause I was pissed off at my mom cause she was screaming at me on the way home. I never told her how much she meant to be.
And Kristin, if you're reading this. You do. You mean the world and everything beyond to me. And the truth of the matter is, I read your profile and away messages with inside jokes to your friend back in California. And I get jealous. You're MY friend Kristin. Maybe there's first, but this year you've become my friend too. And right now it just feels like you're forgetting about all of us here. All of us here who love you so much and would do anything for you.
I know how you feel, I'd move back to NY in a second. But I'd cry, because you guys are here. And it'd be hard. You don't even seem to be caring that this is the biggest decision of your life.
It's not that I can't live without you here, because I can if I really wanted to. But thing is, I DON'T want to try. At all. I just want you to stay, forever. And I know that seems really selfish but I just don't want to face highschool and all the shit that teenageness is sure to bring us.
I don't mean to be selfish, because I know that it's your choice. And if you truly think that you'll be that much happier in Cali, well then you need to go. But I am not going to lie and say that it won't hurt me, because it sure as hell will. It hurts me more than you could ever understand.
We don't even have a year of memories, it's not enough. A year ago I didn't even know you, but now I can't remember what it was like to live without you as my friend, and I don't think I want to remember. Because it's easy to live without someone when you don't know they exist, but now that I've met you .. well, it's something entirely different. Now I have to live everyday knowing that you're out there. You're one of the best friends I've ever had, and I can't stand the thought of not having you anymore.
I guess all I can do to wrap this up is say this --
I guess you always know that you'll look back on the tears you cried together and laugh, because it's so stupid. But I guess you don't always realize when it's happening that one day you'll look back on the times you laughed and cry, because the memories are all you have left.
I am in tears. Absolute fucking tears. I hate this.
It's entirely possible that I will never see Kristin again.
She's going back to California tomorrow, possibly and most likely for good, and she t old Lindsey that she's "busy" today. Well that is fucking shit. Too busy for us?
I thought we were friends. And dare I say it, best friends? Yeah. I know Lindsey has whoever down in Florida, and Kristin has Sammy in California, and I have Amanda in New York. But here, here it was us. Plus a few other people, but when it came down to it. It was us, the three of us. And I thought maybe we'd come to mean something to each other. Maybe I'm a sappy person, though, and was wrong.
Maybe everything we've been through together -- the whole eating thing, the cutting, guys, the water fountain drinking contest, poodle, fights with other people, Zack, etc. Maybe all that, doesn't matter.
And that's the vibe I'm sure as hell getting from the situation right now.
I went out to the movies with Kristin on Wednesday night. And we had a good laugh, we saw Raising Hellen and it was quite hillarious. But all we did was laugh, I didn't even say a real goodbye cause I was pissed off at my mom cause she was screaming at me on the way home. I never told her how much she meant to be.
And Kristin, if you're reading this. You do. You mean the world and everything beyond to me. And the truth of the matter is, I read your profile and away messages with inside jokes to your friend back in California. And I get jealous. You're MY friend Kristin. Maybe there's first, but this year you've become my friend too. And right now it just feels like you're forgetting about all of us here. All of us here who love you so much and would do anything for you.
I know how you feel, I'd move back to NY in a second. But I'd cry, because you guys are here. And it'd be hard. You don't even seem to be caring that this is the biggest decision of your life.
It's not that I can't live without you here, because I can if I really wanted to. But thing is, I DON'T want to try. At all. I just want you to stay, forever. And I know that seems really selfish but I just don't want to face highschool and all the shit that teenageness is sure to bring us.
I don't mean to be selfish, because I know that it's your choice. And if you truly think that you'll be that much happier in Cali, well then you need to go. But I am not going to lie and say that it won't hurt me, because it sure as hell will. It hurts me more than you could ever understand.
We don't even have a year of memories, it's not enough. A year ago I didn't even know you, but now I can't remember what it was like to live without you as my friend, and I don't think I want to remember. Because it's easy to live without someone when you don't know they exist, but now that I've met you .. well, it's something entirely different. Now I have to live everyday knowing that you're out there. You're one of the best friends I've ever had, and I can't stand the thought of not having you anymore.
I guess all I can do to wrap this up is say this --
I guess you always know that you'll look back on the tears you cried together and laugh, because it's so stupid. But I guess you don't always realize when it's happening that one day you'll look back on the times you laughed and cry, because the memories are all you have left.