yep..i crossed posted from myspace
So..i have been back a few days and I don't know how to feel. I know that I am not grieving properly. I have been taking out all my frustration and anger and whatever on the people closest to me. I don't know how to stop. My personality is changing and I can only hope it will go back to normal. I can't cry anymore and I don't have the strength to be as mad as I feel like I should. I feel like I have so many emotions in me right now that none of them are rational.
I came to a hard realization that my father is gone. I will never hear him laugh again. I will never see him smile, hear him tell a joke, listen to him talk about classic cars, bitch about the government, or even yell again. He will never hold my children or see me get married. He will never meet someone I am dating again and be able to tell me what he thinks of her. There are so many things I didn't even know where important to me that will never happen. My dad will never see my little brother graduate or go on his first date. Never again...
I think it scares me to think he is gone forever. I got his class ring and I locked it up with my mom yesterday. I would like to keep it out and wear it all the time but it makes me so sad to look at it. I feel like no one understands how i feel. How could they? Especially if they still have both of their parents. I also feel like maybe I am staying sad too long. I hate feeling woe is me. I hate it.
I have noticed I feel extra sensitive and extremely needy. It's weird cause I want someone so close to me but at the same time I want everyone to go away. I want someone to hold me and let me cry..to let me know that it's ok to feel this way (even if its not). I want someone to put me first for the first time in my life. Just let me be sad, mad, hurt, upset, scared, worried, standoffish, and a bit irrational. Why is this asking too much. I need someone to hold me and let me feel all these things. I need someone to play with my hair while my head is in their lap and just help me feel content again. Help me feel like me again. SOMEONE...HER.
What a waste...what a damn waste. Life goes on I guess...the living cannot die with the dead.
I came to a hard realization that my father is gone. I will never hear him laugh again. I will never see him smile, hear him tell a joke, listen to him talk about classic cars, bitch about the government, or even yell again. He will never hold my children or see me get married. He will never meet someone I am dating again and be able to tell me what he thinks of her. There are so many things I didn't even know where important to me that will never happen. My dad will never see my little brother graduate or go on his first date. Never again...
I think it scares me to think he is gone forever. I got his class ring and I locked it up with my mom yesterday. I would like to keep it out and wear it all the time but it makes me so sad to look at it. I feel like no one understands how i feel. How could they? Especially if they still have both of their parents. I also feel like maybe I am staying sad too long. I hate feeling woe is me. I hate it.
I have noticed I feel extra sensitive and extremely needy. It's weird cause I want someone so close to me but at the same time I want everyone to go away. I want someone to hold me and let me cry..to let me know that it's ok to feel this way (even if its not). I want someone to put me first for the first time in my life. Just let me be sad, mad, hurt, upset, scared, worried, standoffish, and a bit irrational. Why is this asking too much. I need someone to hold me and let me feel all these things. I need someone to play with my hair while my head is in their lap and just help me feel content again. Help me feel like me again. SOMEONE...HER.
What a waste...what a damn waste. Life goes on I guess...the living cannot die with the dead.