safety
A while back a friend was describing meeting someone she'd first contacted on the internet. Her idea of safety was meeting them in a fast food restaurant before their date. Her thought was that she could take his measure in a safe place before being alone with him.
I mentioned this to someone else and their rule was to never play or date anyone unless they'd come to a BDSM event like Black Rose night at the Crucible. Her thought was that she wanted to see them in with her friends, definitely being on her home turf, and seeing how her friends reacted as well as seeing how he was in that kind of atmosphere.
A long while back I talked to someone different who'd traveled to other cities to meet people she'd first encountered on the net. Her safety factor was to always have her own hotel room the first night and make a point that the first day (and evening) was just to get to know each other face to face -- nothing would ever happen on that first evening.
I'm not sure if it's Fetlife or if the Crucible is expanding it's footprint in the local community (or if the community is growing) but I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the past year. I've had friends approach me and ask if I knew anything about a new face. We're faced with a less stressful time trying to decide if someone who'd at least come out and showed their face in the circle of kink is safe. (Grail's rule: Never do anyone who's substantially crazier than you are.)
While the aspect of actual personal safety is the 800 lb. gorilla, there are a lot of other aspects of safety. Grail's rule, while, if correctly applied, should keep you away from axe murderers, it's basic sense is to keep you safe from unhealthy emotional entanglements, with a dash of, "But I didn't want you to give me a tattoo while I was tied up ..."
Safety has several elements.
- Let's not get robbed and murdered.
- Let's not find ourselves in play situations we didn't want.
--- People who don't know what they're doing
--- People who don't negotiate well and either get upset or take advantage
--- People who try things or who don't warn you of potential problems (What do you mean you're a bleeder? Why did you ask me to try needles?)
- Let's not be pressured into more than we want. Not everyone wants to be collared after a first play session and not everyone want's a 24/7 slave or just being given space to determine how the relationship will develop.
- Let's not offer much more than your potential partner wants.
Metro DC has Black Rose, Black Rose--The Next Generation, DC:TNG, DCS, BESS (from Baltimore), Various Special Interest Groups, Swinger's groups and several more that meet in various places. There's nothing that prevents someone from joining more than one of these except time. The atmosphere at the different groups is not uniform. What's permissible is not the same everywhere. Some have alcohol at their functions, others never do. Some are sex positive, others are not and even if they are, what is defined as sex changes from group to group and from venue to venue. Some are encouraging of Gay men joining, others not so much. Some encourage meeting new people and others are mostly couple events.
Even if you're familiar with the setting and someone new comes in, short of them having the hanky code prominently displayed (and you have your decoder handy), it's not a sure thing that an offer will be accepted.
A friend went to a swingers event and was asked why she didn't have sex with anyone. "No one asked me," she replied. "No," she was told, "Those guys who talked to you, that's how they come on to women at these things." She'd not recognized what the signs would be.
In a lot of ways, the biggest fear is what will happen if you ask someone to do something. "No thank you," is still one of the worst things for some of us to hear.
I mentioned this to someone else and their rule was to never play or date anyone unless they'd come to a BDSM event like Black Rose night at the Crucible. Her thought was that she wanted to see them in with her friends, definitely being on her home turf, and seeing how her friends reacted as well as seeing how he was in that kind of atmosphere.
A long while back I talked to someone different who'd traveled to other cities to meet people she'd first encountered on the net. Her safety factor was to always have her own hotel room the first night and make a point that the first day (and evening) was just to get to know each other face to face -- nothing would ever happen on that first evening.
I'm not sure if it's Fetlife or if the Crucible is expanding it's footprint in the local community (or if the community is growing) but I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the past year. I've had friends approach me and ask if I knew anything about a new face. We're faced with a less stressful time trying to decide if someone who'd at least come out and showed their face in the circle of kink is safe. (Grail's rule: Never do anyone who's substantially crazier than you are.)
While the aspect of actual personal safety is the 800 lb. gorilla, there are a lot of other aspects of safety. Grail's rule, while, if correctly applied, should keep you away from axe murderers, it's basic sense is to keep you safe from unhealthy emotional entanglements, with a dash of, "But I didn't want you to give me a tattoo while I was tied up ..."
Safety has several elements.
- Let's not get robbed and murdered.
- Let's not find ourselves in play situations we didn't want.
--- People who don't know what they're doing
--- People who don't negotiate well and either get upset or take advantage
--- People who try things or who don't warn you of potential problems (What do you mean you're a bleeder? Why did you ask me to try needles?)
- Let's not be pressured into more than we want. Not everyone wants to be collared after a first play session and not everyone want's a 24/7 slave or just being given space to determine how the relationship will develop.
- Let's not offer much more than your potential partner wants.
Metro DC has Black Rose, Black Rose--The Next Generation, DC:TNG, DCS, BESS (from Baltimore), Various Special Interest Groups, Swinger's groups and several more that meet in various places. There's nothing that prevents someone from joining more than one of these except time. The atmosphere at the different groups is not uniform. What's permissible is not the same everywhere. Some have alcohol at their functions, others never do. Some are sex positive, others are not and even if they are, what is defined as sex changes from group to group and from venue to venue. Some are encouraging of Gay men joining, others not so much. Some encourage meeting new people and others are mostly couple events.
Even if you're familiar with the setting and someone new comes in, short of them having the hanky code prominently displayed (and you have your decoder handy), it's not a sure thing that an offer will be accepted.
A friend went to a swingers event and was asked why she didn't have sex with anyone. "No one asked me," she replied. "No," she was told, "Those guys who talked to you, that's how they come on to women at these things." She'd not recognized what the signs would be.
In a lot of ways, the biggest fear is what will happen if you ask someone to do something. "No thank you," is still one of the worst things for some of us to hear.