(no subject)
So me and cassie are pretty much done with...
here's hte conversation:
I wrote this as a blog:
I no longer feel pain
Everything is falling apart right in front of me
yet i realize now that really, it doesn't matter anymore
All the things i thought were important really aren't
I'm losing my best friend
And it's not affecting me like i thought it would
Everything seems as though it is changing
But are they really?
Or is it just me?
And she responed:
if im correct...this is suppossed to be about me. so losing your bf isnt afecting you like you thought? maybe thats because youre the one who pushed me away and got pissed at me for reasons i still dont know.... it was your choice to end this.... i called you completly open minded that day and yet you said all the wrong shit and in return made me feel like shit, and i dont even know what i did wrong. I just really want to know exactly what it is i did tp you to piss you off so royally...i dont want to lose one of my best friends... but i just dont know anymore. I'd just like to know what it is specifically that i did to make you act and say the things you did. Give me that much and maybe i'll feel a little better abnout the whole thing.
me: You didn't do anything wrong. That blog wasn't about just you...it was about everything that's goin on around me. I explained to you that we have both changed and I don't understand what's going on. Everytime i say something you take it the wrong way and get pissed off. I can't help that and to be completely honest with you i don't really want to have a friend that's constantly getting pissed off at me for stupid reasons. Yeah we were best friends and shit's changed....not for the good not for the bad. For life really, and i guess we both have to live with that. I really did want to talk to you...but you were constantly holding it off and if you can't "make time" for me (which you shouldn't even have to for your "best friend") then i guess that's how it is.
xAshley
PS: you're not supposed to make time for best friends....you're supposed to have time to spend with them....to tell you the truth...you telling me that... pretty much ruined our friendship altogether.
Cassie:i wasnt getting pissed off for no reason, had YOU bothered to call me you would have known that there was alot of shit going on. Yeah, i did want to talk to you in pe4rson, and the day we were gonna try and make that happen a bunch of people i hadnt seen in almost a year just happened to call me to hang out in the park that day. I hung out with nate, who i havent seen in a year...over a year, my friend danny who dropped out of school due to an injury and hadnt seen in a few months, and my boyfriend who i can almost never see ouside of school unless i sneak around. Im sorry that they called me at an inconvienient time for you, and i wasnt gonna tell them "oh sorry..i MIGHT be haveing to see someone later" even though we never said anything for sure. And after that day i ran out of minutes on my phone so i couldnt call you, and sisnce im at the house in eagle all week and we dont have a phone i couldnt get a hold of you. and then following that, my brother heard a nastly roumor about me that almost got me into alot of shit and i was being constantly watched and wasnt allowed to leave or have anyone over. And not to mention the fact that i was/still am insanely sick. i have bronchitis still and its been slowly getting worse and my doctor thinks it may be serious pnemonia and if im not better in a few days i will have to spend the night in the emergency room to get treated because ive been so sick for over 3 weeks now. So i guess in a way you are right...i couldnt "make" time for you....but its not because i didnt want to see you or was putting it off...it was because i reallydidnt have the time...i am constanrly sleeping from being so damn sick...and on days where i felt okay my brother was being an asshole and would have reamed out anyone who would have come over to hang out with me...(its a long retarded story...i wont explain). I still dotn get what you mean how i bitch at you for whatever you say...i really dont recall doing that, and if i did i didnt mean to make it sound like i was bitching at you, becauseif i was when i had access to a phone i wouldnt have bothered to call you to see what was going on with us...i would've just said fuck you. so i dont know, im not going to apologize for not having time for you to come out to my house because i just DIDNT have the time or communication to make it work at that particular time. and if your ending our friendship that we've had for 2 years because i couldnt see you for a while because of honest reasons then i dont even know what to say. i feel like your the one who just doesnt even care that were not friends anymore...i feel like your glad we arnt anymore....your so quick to jump the gun and end it without even discussing anything and the reason for that is totally ovre my head. i dunno...i thought we could get over this...i really didnt see this whole thing as a big deal...but i guess i underestimated just a tad, seeing as how it seems you dont even want to bother trying to make this work.
p.s. i wasnt ever even pissed at you...annoyed with some things you said...but i wasnt pissed at you like you seem to think i am.
me: I want to say i dont' care anymore because i feel like everything, every single person in my life has shattered me to pieces. All of my so-called friends have fucked me over so many times. I can't trust anyone anymore. I barely trust myself anymore. I dont' even know what to say to anyone. Everything has gotten so confusing and i hate this feeling i have because i thought everything would turn out, but right now, nothing has gotten better, everything has gotten worse and i know you'll prolly bitch at me for saying that, saying that i dont' even know how shitty life can get but really i do. I know i fucked it up for myself, and i can deal with that...i have to deal with that. I just feel ilke no one no longer cares about me. All the people that did at one point could give 2 shits about what happens to my pathetic exsistance and i am all to blame for it, but there's nothing i can do to fix it. I'm just sick of all the bullshit, i'm done with it all. This isn't a pity letter, fuck. I don't want you to feel sorry for me cause everything that's screwed up in my life has been my fault. I don't know where i'm going with this. I don't even know what the fuck is going on in my head.
We attempted to fix this before and it's only gotten worse. It's not getting better, i dont' see how in the future it could get any better.
That night we were going to talk i wrote you a letter:
Everything is changing and it seems so wierd to be in this position, with you of all people, bt i'm glad we actually are going to maybe try and work things out. And if things don't in the end, i want to let you know that i do care about you and this might sound kind of corny in a way, but most of everything i've done that may or may not have pissed you off was an attempt to make things better for you. You were like a sister to me, and now, it seems as though things have slowly faded away, and we no longer are as close as we used to be. i feel as though everyone is falling apart, but maybe, i'm the one who's changing, maybe i'm the one who's falling apart. I wis hthings could get better between us but as things appear, they are only getting worse and i don't know how to fix it. I don't even know where it all went wrong. I remember back when we were so close, and i could tell you anything, things i couldn't even tell my sister, but it's so different now, I can't even explain it. It's like out of no where, one day we started fighting for no reason at all. I just wanted to get all this out and not forget anything because you needed to know those few things.
Love always, Ashley.
It really hurt me when you didn't bother to call me, I felt like i was dieing and there was nothing i could do to change it. I can't even explain the feeling i had but all i can say it wasn't a good one and i hated it. I dont' want to feel those feelings again, and every time i talk to you, you blame me for something new (like using Christina and talking shit about Bill) and those feelings come back. I can't put myself through it again, i won't.
I don't want to have to deal with the pain of losing you, but in a sense i already have...i lost you a long time ago and it's just the way life is...i have todeal with it and live on. Because if i dwell in the past, there is pretty much no future.
So yeah...that's my life lately...i am just doen with it. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore and i feel somewhat bad about what i've been saying to her but it's just me being honest. I know you all prolly don't care...but that's what been going on with me for the past week.
here's hte conversation:
I wrote this as a blog:
I no longer feel pain
Everything is falling apart right in front of me
yet i realize now that really, it doesn't matter anymore
All the things i thought were important really aren't
I'm losing my best friend
And it's not affecting me like i thought it would
Everything seems as though it is changing
But are they really?
Or is it just me?
And she responed:
if im correct...this is suppossed to be about me. so losing your bf isnt afecting you like you thought? maybe thats because youre the one who pushed me away and got pissed at me for reasons i still dont know.... it was your choice to end this.... i called you completly open minded that day and yet you said all the wrong shit and in return made me feel like shit, and i dont even know what i did wrong. I just really want to know exactly what it is i did tp you to piss you off so royally...i dont want to lose one of my best friends... but i just dont know anymore. I'd just like to know what it is specifically that i did to make you act and say the things you did. Give me that much and maybe i'll feel a little better abnout the whole thing.
me: You didn't do anything wrong. That blog wasn't about just you...it was about everything that's goin on around me. I explained to you that we have both changed and I don't understand what's going on. Everytime i say something you take it the wrong way and get pissed off. I can't help that and to be completely honest with you i don't really want to have a friend that's constantly getting pissed off at me for stupid reasons. Yeah we were best friends and shit's changed....not for the good not for the bad. For life really, and i guess we both have to live with that. I really did want to talk to you...but you were constantly holding it off and if you can't "make time" for me (which you shouldn't even have to for your "best friend") then i guess that's how it is.
xAshley
PS: you're not supposed to make time for best friends....you're supposed to have time to spend with them....to tell you the truth...you telling me that... pretty much ruined our friendship altogether.
Cassie:i wasnt getting pissed off for no reason, had YOU bothered to call me you would have known that there was alot of shit going on. Yeah, i did want to talk to you in pe4rson, and the day we were gonna try and make that happen a bunch of people i hadnt seen in almost a year just happened to call me to hang out in the park that day. I hung out with nate, who i havent seen in a year...over a year, my friend danny who dropped out of school due to an injury and hadnt seen in a few months, and my boyfriend who i can almost never see ouside of school unless i sneak around. Im sorry that they called me at an inconvienient time for you, and i wasnt gonna tell them "oh sorry..i MIGHT be haveing to see someone later" even though we never said anything for sure. And after that day i ran out of minutes on my phone so i couldnt call you, and sisnce im at the house in eagle all week and we dont have a phone i couldnt get a hold of you. and then following that, my brother heard a nastly roumor about me that almost got me into alot of shit and i was being constantly watched and wasnt allowed to leave or have anyone over. And not to mention the fact that i was/still am insanely sick. i have bronchitis still and its been slowly getting worse and my doctor thinks it may be serious pnemonia and if im not better in a few days i will have to spend the night in the emergency room to get treated because ive been so sick for over 3 weeks now. So i guess in a way you are right...i couldnt "make" time for you....but its not because i didnt want to see you or was putting it off...it was because i reallydidnt have the time...i am constanrly sleeping from being so damn sick...and on days where i felt okay my brother was being an asshole and would have reamed out anyone who would have come over to hang out with me...(its a long retarded story...i wont explain). I still dotn get what you mean how i bitch at you for whatever you say...i really dont recall doing that, and if i did i didnt mean to make it sound like i was bitching at you, becauseif i was when i had access to a phone i wouldnt have bothered to call you to see what was going on with us...i would've just said fuck you. so i dont know, im not going to apologize for not having time for you to come out to my house because i just DIDNT have the time or communication to make it work at that particular time. and if your ending our friendship that we've had for 2 years because i couldnt see you for a while because of honest reasons then i dont even know what to say. i feel like your the one who just doesnt even care that were not friends anymore...i feel like your glad we arnt anymore....your so quick to jump the gun and end it without even discussing anything and the reason for that is totally ovre my head. i dunno...i thought we could get over this...i really didnt see this whole thing as a big deal...but i guess i underestimated just a tad, seeing as how it seems you dont even want to bother trying to make this work.
p.s. i wasnt ever even pissed at you...annoyed with some things you said...but i wasnt pissed at you like you seem to think i am.
me: I want to say i dont' care anymore because i feel like everything, every single person in my life has shattered me to pieces. All of my so-called friends have fucked me over so many times. I can't trust anyone anymore. I barely trust myself anymore. I dont' even know what to say to anyone. Everything has gotten so confusing and i hate this feeling i have because i thought everything would turn out, but right now, nothing has gotten better, everything has gotten worse and i know you'll prolly bitch at me for saying that, saying that i dont' even know how shitty life can get but really i do. I know i fucked it up for myself, and i can deal with that...i have to deal with that. I just feel ilke no one no longer cares about me. All the people that did at one point could give 2 shits about what happens to my pathetic exsistance and i am all to blame for it, but there's nothing i can do to fix it. I'm just sick of all the bullshit, i'm done with it all. This isn't a pity letter, fuck. I don't want you to feel sorry for me cause everything that's screwed up in my life has been my fault. I don't know where i'm going with this. I don't even know what the fuck is going on in my head.
We attempted to fix this before and it's only gotten worse. It's not getting better, i dont' see how in the future it could get any better.
That night we were going to talk i wrote you a letter:
Everything is changing and it seems so wierd to be in this position, with you of all people, bt i'm glad we actually are going to maybe try and work things out. And if things don't in the end, i want to let you know that i do care about you and this might sound kind of corny in a way, but most of everything i've done that may or may not have pissed you off was an attempt to make things better for you. You were like a sister to me, and now, it seems as though things have slowly faded away, and we no longer are as close as we used to be. i feel as though everyone is falling apart, but maybe, i'm the one who's changing, maybe i'm the one who's falling apart. I wis hthings could get better between us but as things appear, they are only getting worse and i don't know how to fix it. I don't even know where it all went wrong. I remember back when we were so close, and i could tell you anything, things i couldn't even tell my sister, but it's so different now, I can't even explain it. It's like out of no where, one day we started fighting for no reason at all. I just wanted to get all this out and not forget anything because you needed to know those few things.
Love always, Ashley.
It really hurt me when you didn't bother to call me, I felt like i was dieing and there was nothing i could do to change it. I can't even explain the feeling i had but all i can say it wasn't a good one and i hated it. I dont' want to feel those feelings again, and every time i talk to you, you blame me for something new (like using Christina and talking shit about Bill) and those feelings come back. I can't put myself through it again, i won't.
I don't want to have to deal with the pain of losing you, but in a sense i already have...i lost you a long time ago and it's just the way life is...i have todeal with it and live on. Because if i dwell in the past, there is pretty much no future.
So yeah...that's my life lately...i am just doen with it. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore and i feel somewhat bad about what i've been saying to her but it's just me being honest. I know you all prolly don't care...but that's what been going on with me for the past week.