Why is it so acceptable to dislike (be prejudiced against?) childless people?
I promised someone I would write something about "what it's like to be childless".
Here it is.
I’ve heard one colleague (mother of 4) remark that a new colleague seemed very good and very pleasant, but that she couldn’t like him, because she didn’t like people who didn’t have children. I’m afraid I didn’t immediately lavish sympathy on her for this inability, but timidly suggested that sometimes people were not childless by choice. I should, in honesty, admit that my tone of voice was a little …. Appeasing.
“I know that.” she said “But I still can’t like or trust someone with no children.”
I’m childless. I was childless then. She knew that. Other people around knew that. They would also be able to work out that I was “childless by circumstance” -the circumstance being the lack of a partner.
This wasn’t, you understand a lack of willingness to meet a romantic/ sexual partner, or reluctance for commitment to family life. It wasn’t a reluctance to have or be a friend. In fact, it’s probably fair to say that I’m childless because I’m unattractive. Not “get pointed at on the street” unattractive, but I’m sufficiently unattractive not to get first dates or any other beginning to a romantic relationship.
The colleague who was the mother of 4 would have been outraged if anyone had said that they didn’t like a new colleague because s/he was Jewish, or Muslim, or black, or gay, or foreign, or a Buddhist, or…. you get the idea.
There were a few other people present, but no one else spoke up for the new colleague. No one else was prepared to suggest that childless people were not intrinsically untrustworthy.
Several more years in that job showed me that new colleague was indeed the decent, fair-minded, industrious, pleasant colleague he had appeared to be at first, and his wife had a similar disposition. I saw enough of their interactions with young people to know that they liked and were liked by young people, to whom they were kindly, helpful and sympathetic.
As for mother- of - 4, her daughters must now be reaching their mid and late twenties. I’m sure she did not keep her opinions from them. At what age point will their friends and colleagues be deemed untrustworthy and dislikeable if they still haven’t produced children? Have they had children themselves? And if they don’t, what then? Will the mother change her opinion? Will she make an exception for her own daughters? Would the childless daughter feel less loved that one with a
Part of me would like to go back to that workplace and ask those questions. Part of me would not feel sorry if mother-of-4 felt apologetic and guilty when she heard those questions.
Here it is.
I’ve heard one colleague (mother of 4) remark that a new colleague seemed very good and very pleasant, but that she couldn’t like him, because she didn’t like people who didn’t have children. I’m afraid I didn’t immediately lavish sympathy on her for this inability, but timidly suggested that sometimes people were not childless by choice. I should, in honesty, admit that my tone of voice was a little …. Appeasing.
“I know that.” she said “But I still can’t like or trust someone with no children.”
I’m childless. I was childless then. She knew that. Other people around knew that. They would also be able to work out that I was “childless by circumstance” -the circumstance being the lack of a partner.
This wasn’t, you understand a lack of willingness to meet a romantic/ sexual partner, or reluctance for commitment to family life. It wasn’t a reluctance to have or be a friend. In fact, it’s probably fair to say that I’m childless because I’m unattractive. Not “get pointed at on the street” unattractive, but I’m sufficiently unattractive not to get first dates or any other beginning to a romantic relationship.
The colleague who was the mother of 4 would have been outraged if anyone had said that they didn’t like a new colleague because s/he was Jewish, or Muslim, or black, or gay, or foreign, or a Buddhist, or…. you get the idea.
There were a few other people present, but no one else spoke up for the new colleague. No one else was prepared to suggest that childless people were not intrinsically untrustworthy.
Several more years in that job showed me that new colleague was indeed the decent, fair-minded, industrious, pleasant colleague he had appeared to be at first, and his wife had a similar disposition. I saw enough of their interactions with young people to know that they liked and were liked by young people, to whom they were kindly, helpful and sympathetic.
As for mother- of - 4, her daughters must now be reaching their mid and late twenties. I’m sure she did not keep her opinions from them. At what age point will their friends and colleagues be deemed untrustworthy and dislikeable if they still haven’t produced children? Have they had children themselves? And if they don’t, what then? Will the mother change her opinion? Will she make an exception for her own daughters? Would the childless daughter feel less loved that one with a
Part of me would like to go back to that workplace and ask those questions. Part of me would not feel sorry if mother-of-4 felt apologetic and guilty when she heard those questions.