(no subject)
11:25 AM
I just cleaned out my notebook. I actually surprised myself with how many times I'd written to or about him when I was supposed to be keeping up with class notes. I'm trying to keep it all off my mind. I'm trying to just go with whatever happens while still trying to just follow my heart. But it feels pulled in so many directions that I'm not really getting anything or anywhere. Part of me is telling me that it still feels right and to stick around and not give up so easily. But then another part of me, with a lot more influence on this part, is telling me to get out now and not look back. That I'm headed for nothing but getting hurt. That I knew better to begin with. That I'm just being played for a fool. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to listen to. I feel invisible and kinda shitty. Especially after that xanga was pointed out to me. It sucks that someone made it a point to show it to me and tell me things and get me upset about it, and then they accused me of being jealous. I'm not jealous. They did get me upset about it. But I'm not jealous.
5:00 PM
I did a lot of thinking while I was at work today. That stuff with my friend bothers me. But I think it's because it makes me feel invisible and kinda shitty knowing that he's "too busy" to talk to me but he still talks to everyone else. And of course, as it had to be pointed out, Katie. It's not really a big deal. And I'm not jealous like I keep being accused of being. It just hurts. Regardless of any feelings that might be there, I am his friend before anything else. That always comes first. I don't feel like I'm being treated like much of a friend. That's what hurts. That's what really matters. I've never been that way to him. I've never been that way to any of my remember. At least not that I can recall. But it doesn't matter. I'm still here, and I'm still his friend. No matter what. That's what I am. A friend. That's what I need right now. I don't need a relationship. Maybe I really don't even want one. It just complicates things with all my friends. And someone always ends up getting hurt. I don't need anything stressful like that. I can't deal with stress. It really wears on my health, and my health is bad enough as it is. What I need...and what I want...is to just focus on my relationship with God. I have a good one, but it can be so much better. That's the only relationship that's important. Especially right now. And a better relationship with myself. That sounds kinda odd. But that's kinda important to me. I have to get back on track with getting better. I can't get better if I'm letting things keep pulling me down. I'm not so great with myself lately. Erm. That sounds weird. Oh well. I have to learn to like myself again and be comfortable with myself again. To remember that I can't let others dictate my confidence or my emotions. All that matters is God. And myself to a point. No one else should really matter as much as they do. Or maybe it's not that they shouldn't matter, it's just that they shouldn't have so much control over me. Just like letting everyone get to me so badly about my body--like always being on me about my weight or always hearing about my damn boobs. I find myself always wanting to scrub all the nasty feelings off me because they get to me so badly and nothing about me ever feels "right." I can't let others keep getting me down and feeling so bad about myself. They shouldn't have so much power to be able to always make me feel so shitty and inferior. I want to be friends with myself again. I have a wonderful family...well, for the most part. I have absolutely wonderful friends. I have God. I have all I need, and my life is wonderful. Or it's getting there anyway. I'm fine with all of this. I really am. I'm going to a friend and be supportive, no matter what. Because that's what friends do. No matter how badly they hurt you. His happiness comes first, just like with all my other friends.
Derek says I love him. I love all my friends. I love them all very deeply. Derek says it's more than that. He says it's being in love with him. I'm not so sure about that. I don't know what love is, and I honestly believe that I'm afraid of it. But I do love him. And sometimes loving means letting go.
God's gonna make everything okay.
Blegh. I'm still so sick. I think that crap is coming back. I have to go back to the doctor. I wish they could just cut it all out so that it would all be over with. I feel so...horrible. I feel like just dying. Then at least I would feel better. Or rather, not feel it anymore. But I'm not going to talk like that. I'm going to just continue to suck it up and go on like I always do. Or just go pass out and sleep for a while. That might help too. I actually came home with hopes of doing just that tonight, but I haven't managed to make it yet. I'm going to vomit....and try to get the kitchen cleaned up...and maybe I'll be feeling up to coming back in a bit.
I just cleaned out my notebook. I actually surprised myself with how many times I'd written to or about him when I was supposed to be keeping up with class notes. I'm trying to keep it all off my mind. I'm trying to just go with whatever happens while still trying to just follow my heart. But it feels pulled in so many directions that I'm not really getting anything or anywhere. Part of me is telling me that it still feels right and to stick around and not give up so easily. But then another part of me, with a lot more influence on this part, is telling me to get out now and not look back. That I'm headed for nothing but getting hurt. That I knew better to begin with. That I'm just being played for a fool. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to listen to. I feel invisible and kinda shitty. Especially after that xanga was pointed out to me. It sucks that someone made it a point to show it to me and tell me things and get me upset about it, and then they accused me of being jealous. I'm not jealous. They did get me upset about it. But I'm not jealous.
5:00 PM
I did a lot of thinking while I was at work today. That stuff with my friend bothers me. But I think it's because it makes me feel invisible and kinda shitty knowing that he's "too busy" to talk to me but he still talks to everyone else. And of course, as it had to be pointed out, Katie. It's not really a big deal. And I'm not jealous like I keep being accused of being. It just hurts. Regardless of any feelings that might be there, I am his friend before anything else. That always comes first. I don't feel like I'm being treated like much of a friend. That's what hurts. That's what really matters. I've never been that way to him. I've never been that way to any of my remember. At least not that I can recall. But it doesn't matter. I'm still here, and I'm still his friend. No matter what. That's what I am. A friend. That's what I need right now. I don't need a relationship. Maybe I really don't even want one. It just complicates things with all my friends. And someone always ends up getting hurt. I don't need anything stressful like that. I can't deal with stress. It really wears on my health, and my health is bad enough as it is. What I need...and what I want...is to just focus on my relationship with God. I have a good one, but it can be so much better. That's the only relationship that's important. Especially right now. And a better relationship with myself. That sounds kinda odd. But that's kinda important to me. I have to get back on track with getting better. I can't get better if I'm letting things keep pulling me down. I'm not so great with myself lately. Erm. That sounds weird. Oh well. I have to learn to like myself again and be comfortable with myself again. To remember that I can't let others dictate my confidence or my emotions. All that matters is God. And myself to a point. No one else should really matter as much as they do. Or maybe it's not that they shouldn't matter, it's just that they shouldn't have so much control over me. Just like letting everyone get to me so badly about my body--like always being on me about my weight or always hearing about my damn boobs. I find myself always wanting to scrub all the nasty feelings off me because they get to me so badly and nothing about me ever feels "right." I can't let others keep getting me down and feeling so bad about myself. They shouldn't have so much power to be able to always make me feel so shitty and inferior. I want to be friends with myself again. I have a wonderful family...well, for the most part. I have absolutely wonderful friends. I have God. I have all I need, and my life is wonderful. Or it's getting there anyway. I'm fine with all of this. I really am. I'm going to a friend and be supportive, no matter what. Because that's what friends do. No matter how badly they hurt you. His happiness comes first, just like with all my other friends.
Derek says I love him. I love all my friends. I love them all very deeply. Derek says it's more than that. He says it's being in love with him. I'm not so sure about that. I don't know what love is, and I honestly believe that I'm afraid of it. But I do love him. And sometimes loving means letting go.
God's gonna make everything okay.
Blegh. I'm still so sick. I think that crap is coming back. I have to go back to the doctor. I wish they could just cut it all out so that it would all be over with. I feel so...horrible. I feel like just dying. Then at least I would feel better. Or rather, not feel it anymore. But I'm not going to talk like that. I'm going to just continue to suck it up and go on like I always do. Or just go pass out and sleep for a while. That might help too. I actually came home with hopes of doing just that tonight, but I haven't managed to make it yet. I'm going to vomit....and try to get the kitchen cleaned up...and maybe I'll be feeling up to coming back in a bit.