onslaught of omnipotence
First, I want to put up a quote.
Aleister Crowley: "I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning."
A giant thing has happened. I'm just cutting and pasting from my diary...
July 1, 2007
um i'm kinda... um. yeah. so. apparently josh likes me just as much as i like him. apparently he thinks about me every day. we just had a conversation. well an IM conversation. i'm kinda... shaking.... i'm not really sure what to say but i'm sure that i'm really unsure about myself. *sigh*
and veery nervous
i'll prolly post the im convo (or parts of it) later
**** here's convo parts! whee!
Josh says: we can just meet in mn again that was fun watching megan vomit on everything
Seek the Truth says: lol i didnt have to see her vomiting
Seek the Truth says: i was busy falling and twisting my ankle
Josh says: you mean didnt get the goy of
Josh says: haha Tree v or nursed you back to health
Josh says: only so we could get home and jew could ruin the superball for me
Seek the Truth says: lol yeah i forgot about that
Josh says: how could you forget we got to see you naked
Seek the Truth says: you guys got to see 1 girl naked and i got to see 3 guys naked
Seek the Truth says: it was sweet
Josh says: haha fair enough but you already seen one of them naked
Seek the Truth says: yeah but it was still awesome lol
Josh says: the orgy would have been awesome
Seek the Truth says: i know srsly
Josh says: some other time I suppose
Seek the Truth says: perhaps
Seek the Truth says: with like 5 girls
Josh says: 5 girls and tman and me i am so in
Josh says: even without treavor
Josh says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: lol
******************
Josh says: how much talk are you?
Seek the Truth says: when?
Josh says: when we were drinking at my and jews places
Seek the Truth says: what do you mean?
Josh says: when you treavor and me where in jews bed would you have really gone for that if treavor would have?
Seek the Truth says: yeah
Seek the Truth says: why?
Josh says: just wandering
Seek the Truth says: why?
Josh says: stupied treavor
Seek the Truth says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: maybe someday
Josh says: hehe doubt it but maybe
Seek the Truth says: yeah i kinda doubt it too
Josh says: ah well past is past i suppose
Seek the Truth says: i suppose
Seek the Truth says: i wish i could stop thinking about it =|
Josh says: i dont but do
Seek the Truth says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: well yeah
Josh says: that goth outfit you had was so fucking sexy though
Seek the Truth says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: yeah i know you liked it ^_^
Josh says: oh you couldnt have known that
Seek the Truth says: hehe
******
Seek the Truth says: i wish i looked better in pictures
Josh says: are you joking you do look good in pics
Seek the Truth says: hehe i dunno i should probably stop comparing myself to ppl lol
Josh says: you cant compair you to others others dont stand a chance
Seek the Truth says: is that right?
Josh says: thats right
Seek the Truth says: well why cant you tell me that like every day
Josh says: talk to me everyday and I will
Seek the Truth says: =)
***********
Seek the Truth says: ugh this probably sounds really lame but i wanna tell you for some reason..... i think about you every day... and when i try to stop thinking about you every day... not only am i not successful but then i end up having dreams about you
Josh says: doesnt sound lame at all sounds vary similar for some reason
Seek the Truth says: well i'm glad it doesnt sound lame then
Josh says: the only downfall is you are with one of my few good friends and as much as I hate to try to fuck with it I cant help it
Seek the Truth says: i know =\ and i dont wanna mess with your guys's friendship and its not like i dont wanna be with treavor or anything
Josh says: I hear you completly but my god...
Seek the Truth says: i know when we're around you i feel bad about being close to treavor because i wanna be close to you too
Josh says: I am not a hard person to get around
Seek the Truth says: lol i dont get it for some reason
Seek the Truth says: i mean i dont understand what you just said
Josh says: i dont eiether
Seek the Truth says: lol k
Josh says: I try to reread what I say but it doesnt make since to me either all I know is I miss you
Seek the Truth says: i miss you too....
Seek the Truth says: i wish we could all be together... i wish you and treavor could be as awesome friends as you ever were and you guys could share me.. lol.. and i wish we all lived together and it would be so awesome
Josh says: as good as treavor and me could be friends I could never share some one I was in love with it just doesnt work we could all have a good time but we could all never make it together
Seek the Truth says: i know =/
Seek the Truth says: its so sad
Seek the Truth says: =(
Josh says: its only 1 third sad 2 thirds are happy thats all that counts thats majority
Seek the Truth says: yeah except i cant stop thinking about you
Josh says: I hear you
Josh says: god that goth outfit is flippin amazing
Seek the Truth says: lol
Seek the Truth says: not that i want to stop thinking about you...
Seek the Truth says: just not in that way. i guess
Josh says: sorry I am unforgetable so you will never be able to stop thinking about me in anyway : )
Seek the Truth says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: i'm glad we had this conversation tho
Seek the Truth says: i was dying to tell you
Josh says: im not glad this just makes things harder
Seek the Truth says: well at least i'm not dying to tell you anymore
Seek the Truth says: i figured it would make things harder tho
Josh says: yea but now you know I feel how you do that cant make things easier
Seek the Truth says: well at least my heartbreak for the last however many months its been wasn't over someone who didnt care anyway
Josh says: fair enough this just makes times to come harder well times that have past have more meaning
Seek the Truth says: sigh
Josh says: /sigh
Seek the Truth says: what if my dad dies and i come to kc by myself?
Josh says: well thats a horrible case
Seek the Truth says: i know
Josh says: if you are ever around for whatever reason than I am going to end up fucking up a friendship but hopefully make a new onepersay
Seek the Truth says: how would you fuck up the friendship?
Josh says: mine and treavors
Josh says: than again we hardly talk anymore
Seek the Truth says: i know, but... i'd like to say i wouldnt let us do anything
Josh says: he moves away but close and we dont talk but when i move farther and jesse and me still talk and hang out I just dont know
Seek the Truth says: but i want a kiss. really bad
Josh says: one kiss wouldnt settle anything
Seek the Truth says: i know
Seek the Truth says: sigh
Josh says: I cant believe trent fit into the dresser in mn
Seek the Truth says: lol
Josh says: thats my sad attempt of changing subjects I dont think it worked...
Seek the Truth says: no it didnt
Seek the Truth says: trent all wants to play in the bedroom where treavors sleeping
Seek the Truth says: the stupid bathroom you have to go thru the bedroom to get to
Seek the Truth says: treavor knows that i like you
Josh says: what?
Seek the Truth says: but i dont think he knows exactly how much
Seek the Truth says: i tried telling him i'm polyamorous... which i suppose i would be if i wanted you guys to share me
Seek the Truth says: that was like a week ago
Seek the Truth says: and we've had a shitty week
Seek the Truth says: but we're okay
Josh says: just take him to ihop and he will be ok
Seek the Truth says: lol
Josh says: tell them you want 42 creamers
Seek the Truth says: okay i'll try to remember that hehe
Josh says: mean while come to visit me while he is distacted with creamers
Seek the Truth says: lol
Seek the Truth says: omg i cant beleive you actually feel that way
Josh says: you are saying what I think
Seek the Truth says: i thought that you might, but then i would just tell myself that i'm just imagining it cuz i want it so bad
Josh says: I am the same way
********
Josh says: meet you halfway 8:05 PM
me: meet me halfway? 8:05 PM
Josh says: yea 8:06 PM
Josh says: halfway between here and there 8:06 PM
me: really? 8:06 PM
Josh says: i get off at 3 tomoroow and have tuesday and wed off work thur morn I will meet you halfway 8:07 PM
me: lol 8:08 PM
me: your being serious? 8:08 PM
Josh says: I was but after lol I dont know if I should claim it anymore 8:08 PM
Josh says: ok I am just going to say I was joking than to kill this silence 8:09 PM
me: sorry lol treavor came in and had to tell me about a board game lol 8:10 PM
me: sigh 8:10 PM
me: anyway, i totally would, but i cant 8:10 PM
me. sigh 8:10 PM
me. sigh and sigh 8:10 PM
Josh says: /sigh 8:10 PM
me: sigh 8:11 PM
me: lol 8:11 PM
Josh says: why cant you 8:11 PM
me: i cant lie? 8:11 PM
Josh says: lame but awesome in the long run i suppose 8:11 PM
me: yeah i guess 8:11 PM
Josh says: so there is no chance of this than huh 8:12 PM
me: maybe 8:12 PM
me: thats not the answer you want is it lol 8:12 PM
Josh says: nah but it make sense this is all just flirting I suppose 8:13 PM
Josh says: besides you and treavor are great for each other anyway 8:13 PM
me: why cant you and me be great for each other too? 8:13 PM
me: why cant i have the best of both worlds its not fair *pout* 8:13 PM
Josh says: it just wouldnt work like that atleast I dont think 8:14 PM
Josh says: tell treavor you want to drive out halfway and meet me to fuck and see what he says...hehe 8:14 PM
me: lol 8:14 PM
me: no i'd be too scared to say that lol 8:15 PM
Josh says: i would be too 8:15 PM
me: hehehe 8:15 PM
me:sigh, what sucks about treavor and my relationship is that most of the time when we get into arguments, he almost has an anxiety attack and i become suicidal. which i'm sure you so wanted to know. 8:16 PM
Josh says:why would you become suicidal? 8:17 PM
me: cuz i blame everything on myself 8:17 PM
Josh says: well stop that 8:17 PM
Josh says: why would you blame anything on yourself? You are so close to perfect 8:18 PM
Josh says: you there? 8:22 PM
me: ahhhh sorry treavor keeps coming in 8:23 PM
me: no wonder i never get work done lol 8:23 PM
Josh says: fucking asshole tell him to stay the fuck out you are trying to get naked with me 8:23 PM
me: heehee 8:23 PM
me: srsly 8:23 PM
me: anyway i dunno why i blame things on myself 8:23 PM
Josh says: well good there is no reason to so stop that 8:24 PM
me: hehe 8:24 PM
me: i'm trying ^_^ 8:24 PM
Josh says: omg I cant believe it a close friend and or family member of your needs you in south eastern wyonming tomorrow how lame 8:25 PM
me: i dont have any close family members lol 8:26 PM
me: or friends 8:26 PM
Josh says: fine josh needs you in somewhere between here and there 8:26 PM
me: hehehe 8:26 PM
Josh says: in a schoolgirl outfit... did I not mention that 8:27 PM
me: no you forgot now i have to change my entire plan geez 8:27 PM
Josh says: fine fine just come naked we will play it by ear 8:27 PM
********
me: lol, for so long i had wondered what the hell i was doing in your top 4 9:51 PM
Josh says: you should be above t man but than he would wonder 9:52 PM
Josh says: no one will ever get above my brother and jew I must say is one of my best friends 9:53 PM
me: hehe 9:53 PM
Josh says: treavor is a great friend in certain situations 9:53 PM
me: like when he hasnt moved away 9:54 PM
Josh says: yea 9:54 PM
me: and he's not throwing xboxes 9:54 PM
Josh says: haha 9:54 PM
Josh says: thats fucking histarical 9:55 PM
******
me: you really think about me every day? 10:06 PM
Josh says: not everyday more like everyother day 10:06 PM
me: ha i win again 10:06 PM
me: i think about you like multiple times a day 10:06 PM
me: but then again you have more stuff to do 10:06 PM
Josh says: i have no things to do 10:08 PM
Josh says: I must say though for the last 8 hours all I have thought about nonstop is you naked 10:08 PM
me: hehehe 10:08 PM
me: i'm glad i look better than dee 10:09 PM
Josh says: dee isnt even slightly hot you are the hottest girl I know 10:10 PM
me: =) 10:10 PM
******
Josh says: fair enough I know its hard to believe someone you hardly know but you just have to trust that I wont lie to you its one thing I feel strongly against 10:16 PM
me: alright i beleive you on that one too 10:17 PM
me: its a good thing i've had treavor to tell me all of the awesome things about you 10:17 PM
me: i know you have a conscience 10:17 PM
Josh says: dont listen to him he is a lier 10:19 PM
me: hehe no he's not 10:19 PM
Josh says: hehe 10:19 PM
******
me: i wonder what's going to happen 10:33 PM
Josh says: idk what do you want to happen 10:34 PM
me: hehe what i want is impossible 10:34 PM
me: aside from that i have no idea 10:34 PM
me: and i have no idea what should happen either 10:35 PM
me: i think somethings going to happen though 10:35 PM
Josh says: again what would you like to happen 10:36 PM
me: you and me and treavor all being happy 10:36 PM
Josh says: ok just between me and you 10:36 PM
me: a lot 10:37 PM
Josh says: go on 10:38 PM
me: hehe 10:38 PM
me: i can hear you say that 10:38 PM
me: what do i want to happen between me and you.... hmmm... you know i'm not really sure. i want to spend time with you, and i must say i really want to have sex with you... and umm spend some more time with you i dont know 10:39 PM
me: what do you want? 10:39 PM
Josh says: about all of what you said 10:40 PM
Josh says: minus treavor 10:40 PM
me: well i'm glad its treavor's fault that you guys dont really talk anymore 10:40 PM
me: i dont know, i might want more, i might want less, depending on what happens 10:41 PM
Josh says: want less? 10:41 PM
me: i dunno what if it turns out i really dont like you that much? not that i could actually see it happening but its still possible 10:42 PM
Josh says: than lets find out before you tell treavor 10:42 PM
me: i dont know how much if this is i want you cuz i cant have you 10:43 PM
me: or i'm *not supposed* to have you 10:43 PM
me: i dunno, how are we going to find out? 10:44 PM
Josh says: you have to lie for once 10:44 PM
me: lol 10:44 PM
me: you realize none of this is going to happen fast.... 10:44 PM
Josh says: sucks 10:45 PM
me: yeah, i know 10:45 PM
Josh says: i wish it could but in fair time I suppose 10:45 PM
me: sigh 10:45 PM
me: we have all the time in the world, right? 10:45 PM
me: sigh 10:46 PM
Josh says: best case yes but we are wasting alot of time thinking that 10:46 PM
me: hehe yeah 10:46 PM
*********
me: i still want you... 11:00 PM
Josh says: I want you more than ever... 11:00 PM
me: it feels good 11:01 PM
Josh says: I cant stop looking at pictures on your page and picturing you naked 11:01 PM
me: you're giving me goosebumps 11:01 PM
me: hehehe 11:01 PM
Josh says: not yet you have to wait until I eat you out before the goosebumps 11:02 PM
me: mmmmm 11:02 PM
Josh says: my god I cant wiat 11:03 PM
Josh says: wait even 11:03 PM
me: i feel like i did when we were on the bed 11:03 PM
me: i want you so bad 11:04 PM
Josh says: my god can I see you naked again yet and try to fulfill your fanitsy 11:04 PM
me: trying to regain composure to type something.... 11:05 PM
Josh says: let me know when you do 11:05 PM
Josh says: come on you have to have recomposure by now 11:06 PM
me: lol 11:07 PM
me: not really 11:07 PM
me: but i suppose i can force myself 11:07 PM
Josh says: so later tongith halfway huh...? 11:08 PM
me: i wish i could stop time for you and me 11:08 PM
me: i spend all day, every day, with treavor 11:09 PM
me: except today 11:09 PM
me: and when i'm working. 11:09 PM
Josh says: well spend all day with me online naked 11:09 PM
me: hehe 11:09 PM
me: i'd rather spend all day with you in real life 11:10 PM
me: naked 11:10 PM
Josh says: webcam webcam 11:10 PM
me: sigh 11:11 PM
Josh says: my god I miss you so much 11:12 PM
me: do you feel better knowing that i miss you just as much? 11:12 PM
Josh says: I would feel better with you ontop of me but yea 11:13 PM
me: heh yeah no kidding 11:13 PM
me: how much of this is about sex? 11:14 PM
me: i dont know how much it is for me 11:14 PM
me: but its a lot 11:14 PM
Josh says: hehe a bit but not alll 11:14 PM
me: lol 11:15 PM
me: right 11:15 PM
me: really, how much is it about sex for you 11:16 PM
Josh says: again alot but not nearly all of it 11:16 PM
me: so if we just snuck away and fucked then you'd still be wanting more? 11:17 PM
Josh says: idk how good is the fuck 11:17 PM
me: hehe 11:17 PM
me: i guess we'll see someday 11:18 PM
Josh says: if only it was tonight 11:19 PM
me: yeah srsly 11:19 PM
**********
Josh says: i miss you 11:51 PM
me: i miss you too 11:51 PM
Josh says: i think this is just a fantacy we will never get to fullfil 11:53 PM
me: i hope not 11:53 PM
me: i want it so bad 11:53 PM
me: i havent been able to stop thinking about you for so long 11:53 PM
Josh says: im not hard to stop thinking about just think about a goat 11:54 PM
me: lol, that didnt work 11:54 PM
Josh says: think about a minigoat than 11:54 PM
me: nope, it's not working 11:55 PM
me: i just dont have the love for goats that you have 11:55 PM
Josh says: idk my bff jill? 11:56 PM
me: hahahaha 11:56 PM
***********
Josh says: I love the tracey boobs and twats video 11:57 PM
me: yeah you will 11:57 PM
Josh says: but not tonight so I must pass out and get me 3 hours sleeps 11:58 PM
me: yeah, you probably should 11:58 PM
me: you can dream of my boobs and twats 11:58 PM
me: wait i have more than one? when did that happen? 11:58 PM
me: twats that is 11:58 PM
Josh says: haha 11:59 PM
Josh says: I need another dick 11:59 PM
me:you need a clone here that i can hide 11:59 PM
me: if i can have a clone of you, you can have a clone of me 11:59 PM
Josh says: I wish clone you sends naked photos 12:00 AM
me: clone me would be there already 12:01 AM
Josh says: you dirty slut you win' 12:01 AM
me: lol it makes me want you more when you call me that 12:01 AM
Josh says: so slut why dont you send me a picture 12:02 AM
Josh says: dont listen to me I am horrible at this.... hahahahaaaa hahaa 12:02 AM
me: lol 12:02 AM
me: youre such a dork 12:02 AM
Josh says: i want you so bad 12:03 AM
me: but youre not getting a picture tonight 12:03 AM
me: please put your dick in my mouth. 12:03 AM
Josh says: fair enough I am passing out and getting me 3 hours of sleep soon you get you schoolgril pic ready for tomorrow 12:03 AM
me: alright, you get your sleep 12:04 AM
Josh says: not yet you whore 12:04 AM
Josh says: I have have another 2 mins 12:04 AM
me: okay 12:04 AM
me: i didnt want you to leave anyway ^_^ 12:05 AM
Josh says: has treavor fucked you in the ass? 12:05 AM
me: lol 12:05 AM
me: no 12:05 AM
Josh says: would I be aloud to? 12:05 AM
me: how bad would you want to? 12:06 AM
Josh says: idk my bff jill 12:06 AM
me: hehehe 12:07 AM
me: we'll see ^_~ 12:07 AM
Josh says: so is that a yes 12:07 AM
me: its possible 12:07 AM
me: ^_^ 12:07 AM
me: i'm not making any promises about anal 12:08 AM
Josh says: so your making promises about fucking me 12:08 AM
me: i can make it a promise that i want to 12:08 AM
Josh says: ok a promise you want to and pictures tomorrow 12:09 AM
me: not promising that either BUT i can promise i intend to send you pictures sooner or later 12:10 AM
Josh says: oh? 12:10 AM
me: yes 12:11 AM
**********
me: what am i going to do? 12:25 AM
Josh says: fly out and hang out tuesday 12:26 AM
me: heh 12:26 AM
me: that would be pretty funny if i just left treavor and trent adn then i came back like nothing happened 12:26 AM
me: i dont htink i could do it tho 12:26 AM
me: not yet anyway 12:26 AM
me: sigh 12:26 AM
me: i like your hands 12:28 AM
me: you have short fingers 12:28 AM
Josh says: short but fat 12:28 AM
me:hehe they're like mine 12:28 AM
Josh says: so come out tuesday 12:29 AM
me: that's in less than 24 hours 12:29 AM
Josh says: so 12:29 AM
Josh says: omg I deid come visit me 12:29 AM
me: lol 12:29 AM
Josh says: come on please it will be worth the time 12:30 AM
me: i know it would 12:30 AM
me: i could just come visit you any weekend couldnt i? 12:31 AM
Josh says: yea 12:31 AM
me: maybe we should plan something like for realz 12:32 AM
me: i do need to *visit my dad* 12:32 AM
Josh says: ok when 12:32 AM
me: i dunno 12:32 AM
me: lol 12:32 AM
me: that is going to take a lot of b/s from me to treavor if i dont actually visit my dad tho 12:33 AM
me: i'm not sure i'm capable of that much 12:33 AM
Josh says: you can see him and say hi 12:33 AM
me: i dont really like spending time with my dad anyway 12:34 AM
me: can i fly there and stay with you? 12:34 AM
Josh says: yea 12:34 AM
me: i can say that i stayed at my dad's 12:34 AM
Josh says: ok lets figure this out later I have to be up in 2 and 1/2 hrs I am going to pass out 12:35 AM
me: lol 12:35 AM
me: alright we will 12:35 AM
July 4, 2007
i've just kinda been nauseous ever since josh and i talked. i have feelings, and they scare me. i mean the fact that i'm willing to just go visit him, probably have sex with him, and just lie to treavor about it is very concerning to me. lol. cuz i really... really really want josh. x_x
i have all sorts of questions about myself... this has happened many times before, that i fall for my b/f's best friend. like, this is the 5th time. x_x i've never especially enjoyed it before and i really, really don't enjoy it now. it is way more serious now.
can i commit to anyone at all? am i even really polyamorous? maybe i *AM* afraid of commitment. maybe i just get bored fast? how many more times is this going to happen? what about trent????
on the bright side, josh cares for me... and someone who cares is really what i have been needing. i mean, i know treavor cares, but i need someone else who cares. i've needed a life. for a long time. some sort of support. ppl who care about me, you know?
tho this is what i wanted, i know i just really need a circle of friends. or a couple best friends, or something like that i dunno.
anyway, i'm not afraid of losing treavor anymore. i take that back, i am afraid. but i dont feel like my life is useless if i don't have him. i don't feel like i'm going to kill myself if i lose him. josh tells me that i'm a good person. i wish i didn't need to hear it from someone. i just need constant affirmations. probably not healthy... i'm working on it.
my appetite has just been gone since i talked to josh. treavor and i had already been having a bad week because i told him about polyamory. really telling him about polyamory was telling him i wanted his best friend without saying it. me trying to explain polyamory really didnt make sense because i didnt mention josh, lol.
anyway, in our bad week before i talked to josh, i was relying on food for comfort. lol. i do that, i'm a binge eater without the purging. then i talked to josh. my desire for food was just gone. which i kind of wanted anyway, i'm trying to lose weight. i've been eating pretty much only a can of tuna a day since the 1st. i guess thats not so long, but it feels like it...
the ease at which my feelings just changed... almost just quit... for treavor is very frightening. i thought i was going to be with him forever. i dont want to see him. i dont even want to kiss him. but i do kiss him, and i pretend i'm kissing josh. x_x granted, we spend too much time together. this is a hard time for us. i really think we should spend some time apart...
since i'm not quite as dependant upon treavor as i was, because someone else actually cares and i have another reason to live besides treavor (i know that sounds very lame)... my patience with him is a lot shorter. he's a smart guy, but sometimes i think he just wants me to feel stupid. like nothing i say is right. everything i know, he knows more about. if i told him that, he would deny it. i think he does it subconsciously. or maybe i'm just very paranoid and sensitive to that kind of thing.
its something i dont think would be a problem in a relationship with josh....
ugh what a terrible start to a relationship.
it's how treavor's relationship started with me. he was involved with this girl, he met me, and he realized that he shouldnt let her treat him like shit (not that he treats me like shit). and my relationship with him is the best he's ever had. he's finally doesnt base his self-worth on whether or not someone loves him. at least that's what he says. but all throughout this relationship, i have. i have based my self-worth on whether or not he loves me. and when i feel like he doesnt love me, i want to die.
not any more.
i don't want to be dependant like this on anyone else though. i dont want to glue myself to josh. tho i think if treavor and i break up, i may move near josh. lol i dunno if i'll ever live with anyone else again.
its sad, at this point, i feel like treavor and i will break up.
i don't know though.
but i know we need time apart.
July 7, 2007
so, for the past two days (almost) i was in a mental health triage center thing. couldnt have my belongings or my shoes, metal on all the windows, everything locked up and protected, the whole nine yards.
more to come.
*edit*
the events leading up to it are a bit fuzzy... i think i had written that treavor and i had been arguing a lot in the past few weeks... treavor really didnt feel like i love him any more and so he asked, "do you still love me??" i said yes of course... somehow he just kept asking tons and tons of questions, and i cant lie when the answer is yes or no. so i told him the truth... he asked if there was someone else... he guessed at who it was... he had a lot of guesses before he guessed "josh?" heheh, one of my fav's was confused on one of my recent entries, "isn't he your son's dad?" yes, trent's biological father's name is josh, but that's not the same guy. treavor also initially thought i was talking about my "ex" (if he even counts as one).... once i said yes when he asked if it was "josh" i started just crying uncontrollably.... then he said something that made me realize he was talking about trent's bio father and i was just like "NO!....." heheh it might have been better if he had just kept thinking it was the wrong josh....
ummm..... so yeah i dont really remember the rest of the discussion.... treavor just kept asking questions.... i was crying the hardest i have in my life... treavor told me today that was the hardest he's ever cried too. i was soooo upset, he felt so heartbroken and betrayed..... it was horrible....
i was doing so well through the first part of the conversation.... i know i have problems with self-confidence, etc... and when treavor's upset it's hard for me to feel loved, or worth anything, etc. i was doing so well, i was being so calm, but when treavor asked if it was josh i just lost it.....
i was even doing pretty well, despite the hard crying.... until it was time for me to put trent to bed. trent was in the other room watching tv through all of this... his eyes were all red, i'm not sure why, he could have just been tired but i didnt like it anyway... then, being the toddler he is, he threw a fit at bedtime, crying and all that...
trent has suffered in these weeks of arguing... treavor and i have had strange sleep patterns... we're stubborn... i dont know any other excuses as to why we didnt really play with trent much or take him to the park or anything... we just didn't feel like it.....
and i felt horrible about it... when he was crying (since it was his bedtime) i felt so horrible.... i thought of myself as a failure as a girlfriend, as a mom, as whatever my role was with josh... i felt like a failure as a whole person... i wanted to die... everything would be better if i died.... treavor was talking about how he wished he was dead.... he said he wouldnt commit suicide but he didnt want to be alive.
i just felt horrible.... i would have probably been more.... angry with myself... as in, actively just fucking attacking myself with my nails and do pretty much anything to inflict pain on myself with the least impact on my surroundings... i'm nice that way i suppose.... but i couldnt do that this time, my head hurt SO fucking bad.... i was imagining going to the hospital and them asking me how much it hurt on a 1-10 scale... i dont think it was a 10, but i really couldnt decide if it was worse than childbirth (w/o epidural) or not.
the pain was pretty much incapacitating though, and my lack of interest in being alive wasn't helping. i was pretty nauseous, i really felt like i was going to throw up but i did what i could to avoid it.... despite my carelessness, i still really fucking hate vomiting.
so, with the pain, and with the suicidal thoughts.... i was pretty much unresponsive to treavor. every once in a while i'd make an effort to say something, many times "my head hurts...." he gave me advil... brought me some water.... i tried tilting my head up, as i was laying down in bed, but treavor had to help me... we still spilled water all over the bed and hardly any of it got in my mouth.
while i was laying there, when i could think through the pain, i was just thinking of how i'd go about killing myself... i figured most if not all of the knives in our apartment were too dull and i doubted i had the strength to really cut through anything.... i really wished we had a handgun. i just couldnt think of anything, i wasn't feeling the whole overdosing thing, probably because i tried that before and it was easy for treavor to stop me. i wanted to grab the bottle of bleach and just start chugging. i'm not really sure what that'd do to my system, but the effects weren't good, i knew that, and i felt like i deserved all of the pain in the world... and i probably wanted pity.... "look how bad you made me feel, why did you react like that???"
and that's wrong, i know..... but it felt like i had no other option. not to mention i really did just want to be dead....
soooo... treavor didnt trust me. he asked if i wanted to go somewhere and talk to someone, he said "are you sure? once i call them, there's no going back..." i said yes, i'd wanted to get help for so long....
i was admitted to this "crisis triage center." treavor was with me in the waiting room while they were seeing if i was bad enough to be admitted i suppose.... the counselor was asking both of us questions, and treavor would cry, and cry, and cry. i had tears in my eyes, but i dont think i really cried when i was talking to anyone else.... at one point they asked for treavor's parents number, and he looked in his phone and got stuck in his address book on josh's number, and cried harder. they wanted him to go to the VA hospital to see if they could do anything... his dad came and picked trent and treavor up... they went to VA hospital and just said he should go back to the crisis triage center.... but he didnt want to, so they just went to treavor's parents' house.
by the time i was admitted it was dawn. i usually go to sleep late, but not quite that late. i laid in my bed and cried/tried to sleep until they called everyone out for breakfast. it was very uncomfortable being around all of the other people, i was scared of them at first. all sorts of mentally ill ppl i didnt know and had never seen before, you know. after breakfast i just sat up in my bed for a while. i did actually eat. it was actually kind of good. i was actually kind of hungry. not that i finished my food....
after breakfast i slept. they called everyone for lunch but i didnt get up and they let me sleep. i think snack may have come next, and i did get up for that. still i was uncomfortable and scared.
more people were being admitted, and i got a roommate. she was a very sweet, i would say middle-aged black lady. she had such a light voice, and that was nice. she had a lot of people to call on the phone. she would say "i don't feel very well" a lot. it was cute, when she was trying to think of words or how to say something, she would actually say "umm" and "er" not quite like i've heard anyone say them before, i liked it. she had been a live-in nurse, or something, to someone for 20 years, and she had been told to go home for a few days... and she didnt really have a home, because she lived in their house. apparently she had an anxiety attack, she had nowhere to go. i didn't really know how to talk to her, i tried to be understanding... but i just had short answers like "yeah" and maybe some sentence that was less than five words. she asked if i was worried, and i said yes. but i couldn't really say anything more....
dinnertime, whee... i ate and came back to my room. i felt uncomfortable with my roommate in there... i suppose that's why they have more than one bed in most rooms, so someone will spend time elsewhere. i didn't want to keep my roommate up, i wasn't very tired. i went and asked for a book to read. they had shit. but i grabbed one anyway, something about adult children of alcoholics. whee! i'm one of those.... it had 13 characteristics of adult children of alcoholics, and i felt i fit into each and every one of them. while i kept reading, i couldnt help but imagining treavor telling me how i'm only believing things because i'm reading them... uggghhhh.... for some reason, i feel like posting the 13 characteristics though...
1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
i got through more than half the book, i was actually feeling like i was going to finish a book! lol... but this woman got admitted... she reminded me of my dad, but that's probably just because she was drunk lol. her hate for the people who admitted her was hilarious, she would say "too bad i didn't bring my mission impossible clothes" in reference to finding a way to sneak out, lol. she said it jokingly, like my dad would.
she kept asking this psychotic guy things, and he never really answered, though he came to sit at the same table as us. i was uncomfortable around him, he was a big guy with tattoos, and i was sitting here wearing the shortest shorts i own. he'd often laugh so hard at nothing, i wonder what he heard. his feet were all cut up, i wonder how that happened...
so i sat a couple hours with them in the dining room. i almost asked the lady for her myspace, she mentioned it once in conversation. i thought that would be hilarious to have someone that i met at a place like that on my friends list.
eventually they left, i got bored with my markers and paper.. and decided to go to bed...
i woke up in the morning to the smell of pee, turns out my roommate pissed herself. nice. they gave her pants to wear and they were so loud... i faked sleeping through this... i didnt want her to know that i knew, i know it would have been embarassing for her.
they called us in for breakfast. whee. the dining room was full when i got there, so i went to the other room and ate alone. after breakfast, i pretty much stayed out of my room. i decided to make a list of what i want and a list of what sort of help i need to get (down to medicaid for trent).
a counselor came in to talk to me, she was much nicer than the guy from somewhere in India was. not that i have things against ppl from india..
i decided to write a letter to treavor and then call him and read it to him. in it i said i still wanted to go visit josh. he said if i visit josh, treavor and i would no longer be able to be together. i felt like it was unfair. but when you put it as "if you cheat on me, we have to end it." it doesnt sound so bad. i was putting it as "let me go, and if we're meant for each other i'll come back to you." perhaps i'm just being a whiny little bitch, but i don't think it's fair for me to have to chose between them. especially when i don't even know exactly what i'm feeling for josh. i want to know if it's more than just infatuation, and for god sakes i really really want to fuck him. i was careful not to say that though, when treavor asked, i would emphasize that it's not all about the sex...
i was thinking, and this whole relationship i've been trying to be what treavor wants. when the relationship first started, i was so excited that he and i went so well together, because he deserves that. it seems like everything i do, i do for him. i want him to be happy. that's why i never told him about josh (until he finally asked that is). i didnt want to say anything that would hurt him. i knew it was hurting our relationship though, and i had a few meager attempts at telling him that really just led him down the wrong path. i felt like my meager attempts were huge accomplishments though.
he had called josh and asked josh about everything. josh denied it. treavor asked if he could see the conversation between me and josh. how could i say no? i'm here to please right? ughhhh.. i had the whole first conversation saved in my email in my drafts folder. i wonder if he noticed that i was using his screenname.. i was on his computer when it happened, which is why i saved the convo in my drafts folder in my email. he read everything. treavor called him back, and josh was still denying everything, until apparently josh gave in and was like "fine, i'm a horrible friend...." etc etc etc.
treavor tells me he lost josh, he cant lose both josh and me. he at least knows that i'm more trustworthy than josh was.... ughhh
treavor says that from now on "all the cards have to be on the table." i can't keep things from him anymore. i have to tell him the truth about everything, when it happens. and, you know, i dont think i can do that....
when i was in the hospital, i wanted to break up with treavor. i wanted to go visit josh. i was resolute. i felt like i had to do it for myself.
when treavor told me that if i go visit josh, treavor and i can no longer be together, i just gave up. obviously i'm just wrong. i'm always wrong. treavor needs to make all of the decisions. thats not what he wants, but if we're going to be together that's what i want him to do. i dont think i can be happy anymore with him. and i'm already lying to him, i tell him i can be happy with him. lies, lies, lies. whee i love lies.
i'm just telling him what he wants to hear. i dont have the strength to do anything else.
meh i feel like stopping here, except to say i desperately want to talk to josh. treavor is staying with his parents for a week or so, tho it's my birthday on the 10th and we have ozzfest tickets on the 12th. so idk, he might end up coming back here sooner. x_x anyway, so yes, i cant talk to josh. he's visiting a mutual friend of treavor's.. josh has read, or at least opened my messages on myspace. i sent three, i feel bad for that lol but i had things i wanted to say. i sent another one when i noticed he read my messages, asking if he'd get on yahoo to chat if he had the chance, but i talked to the friend he's staying with later and he was sleeping. x_x i would call josh, i almost did last night but i just couldnt, i was still feeling so bad... and i've never called josh before... and he's trying to have a nice weekend with his friend. plus i am horrible at talking on the phone...
i had more to write about my stay in the hospital but i'm not up for it... maybe another time.... this is enough i think.
July 9, 2007
I'm okay. Describing my situation, as many times as I had to do it, it seemed so trivial... It seemed like I blew it out of proportion. It didn't feel like that. I'm still having a little trouble when I think of Josh. I don't think I mentioned here, but I don't think he'll talk to me any more. That's probably a good idea, as much as I don't want to admit it.
Tonight, I anticipate, is the last night of calm. Trent is with Treavor at his parents' for the last night. I've never been away from Trent so much, but it's a relief. I've spent the days with him, but it's such a breath of fresh air to spend time to myself. Even if my lungs are full of blood, I can still taste the clear, crisp cleanliness.
They are re-paving the parking lot at the apartment tomorrow. I'll have to have the car out of here by 8:00 a.m. It'll be a stretch given my usual sleeping style. We're planning on going camping. Halfway to avoid the parking lot, halfway to celebrate my birthday, halfway to start off again on a good note, hopefully. And I'm not sure how there got to be three halves.
This means I won't work tomorrow, although it is my day off anyway. Probably won't work on Wednesday, but maybe. Not going to work on Thursday, that's Ozzfest. Hopefully we can still go.
Treavor's mom and sister are upset with me. Well, so I hear, and it may just be a surface sort of thing they're putting up. It's unsettling.
I feel naked and uncomfortable.
I'm going to go have a drink....
and work some.
July 14, 2007
Treavor convinced me that Josh will probably want to talk to me eventually... after I had convinced myself that he would never talk to me again. -_- I've messaged Josh on MySpace like, oh, I don't know, six times since I was released from the "hospital." Most of them were the first day. Only two of them had real substance, the rest were just things I nervously forgot to mention, more apologies, that kind of thing. I knew I shouldn't have been sending so many messages, and I apologized for that a couple times. In the last one I sent, I mentioned I wasn't going to message him any more until he messaged me, or until I felt waayyy tooo compelled to message him again.
It's hard to believe that was still only a few days ago. I saw him online in MySpace a few minutes ago, messaged him with "I see you're online..." in the subject and "what's up?" in the body of the message. My heart was beating fast as I sent it. It seemed like I could feel him, too. I felt the nauseous feeling that I had begun having when he and I started really *talking.* He didn't open it before he logged off. A few of the messages he hasn't opened.
My nose has been itching like fucking crazy lately. I was told once that when your nose itches, it means someone is thinking of you. Every single time I itch my damn nose, I think of Josh. I hope he's thinking of me.
I don't want to let him go. Arrrrrgghhhh. I know I should. I curse having to choose.
Treavor, Trent and I went camping for my birthday. Two nights. The campsite was within walking distance of the ocean. We got the most beautiful camping spot, too. Ahhh... it was great. There was a swamp-like thing between us and the ocean, and we could hear the frogs at night. We could hear the ocean. We could hear the crackle of the campfire. It was the greatest camping experience I've ever had, even though the ENTIRE FUCKING second day was us *talking.* Ugh, I hate talking, I wish it wasn't necessary. Our relationship has been one big fucking rollercoaster since he found out about Josh. I thought I liked rollercoasters, lol, but this one FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!
We've decided we're trying to stay together. He's going to go visit his aunt for a couple weeks... IN a couple weeks. We're still going to look for counseling. I'm trying to be open to him. Etc.
Like I said, not a word from Josh. Kind of glad, kind of not. I want to talk to him so bad. I know I shouldn't. I should stop trying, just let it go. But I DON'T WANT TO.
Treavor and I were being philosophical in IHOP today... we both are to the point where we don't believe in the get married and be happy in love forever that we're brought up to believe exists. Treavor says he does believe it, but only because he feels like he's capable of it. He's never seen it work; I've never seen it work. Unhappy marriages don't count. I'm having trouble getting to the points I want to make here. He and I both agree that it is *possible* (but perhaps unlikely) between the two of us. If it turns out we can't be that way, we both would like a family with the other person, and we've never met anyone else who even came close to that.
Bottom line: Our relationship is special, and it's not something either of us wants to just throw away. If it doesn't work out in the end, at least we can say that we tried our best and we won't be left wondering "what if..." And if it doesn't work out, I could still go be with Josh. Giggity! Hehe. That is if Josh would still want me. Which I feel is debatable at this point, but who knows.
Oh, and we went to Ozzfest. I wore my improvisation of a goth schoolgirl outfit. People like it. ^_^
Aleister Crowley: "I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning."
A giant thing has happened. I'm just cutting and pasting from my diary...
July 1, 2007
um i'm kinda... um. yeah. so. apparently josh likes me just as much as i like him. apparently he thinks about me every day. we just had a conversation. well an IM conversation. i'm kinda... shaking.... i'm not really sure what to say but i'm sure that i'm really unsure about myself. *sigh*
and veery nervous
i'll prolly post the im convo (or parts of it) later
**** here's convo parts! whee!
Josh says: we can just meet in mn again that was fun watching megan vomit on everything
Seek the Truth says: lol i didnt have to see her vomiting
Seek the Truth says: i was busy falling and twisting my ankle
Josh says: you mean didnt get the goy of
Josh says: haha Tree v or nursed you back to health
Josh says: only so we could get home and jew could ruin the superball for me
Seek the Truth says: lol yeah i forgot about that
Josh says: how could you forget we got to see you naked
Seek the Truth says: you guys got to see 1 girl naked and i got to see 3 guys naked
Seek the Truth says: it was sweet
Josh says: haha fair enough but you already seen one of them naked
Seek the Truth says: yeah but it was still awesome lol
Josh says: the orgy would have been awesome
Seek the Truth says: i know srsly
Josh says: some other time I suppose
Seek the Truth says: perhaps
Seek the Truth says: with like 5 girls
Josh says: 5 girls and tman and me i am so in
Josh says: even without treavor
Josh says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: lol
******************
Josh says: how much talk are you?
Seek the Truth says: when?
Josh says: when we were drinking at my and jews places
Seek the Truth says: what do you mean?
Josh says: when you treavor and me where in jews bed would you have really gone for that if treavor would have?
Seek the Truth says: yeah
Seek the Truth says: why?
Josh says: just wandering
Seek the Truth says: why?
Josh says: stupied treavor
Seek the Truth says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: maybe someday
Josh says: hehe doubt it but maybe
Seek the Truth says: yeah i kinda doubt it too
Josh says: ah well past is past i suppose
Seek the Truth says: i suppose
Seek the Truth says: i wish i could stop thinking about it =|
Josh says: i dont but do
Seek the Truth says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: well yeah
Josh says: that goth outfit you had was so fucking sexy though
Seek the Truth says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: yeah i know you liked it ^_^
Josh says: oh you couldnt have known that
Seek the Truth says: hehe
******
Seek the Truth says: i wish i looked better in pictures
Josh says: are you joking you do look good in pics
Seek the Truth says: hehe i dunno i should probably stop comparing myself to ppl lol
Josh says: you cant compair you to others others dont stand a chance
Seek the Truth says: is that right?
Josh says: thats right
Seek the Truth says: well why cant you tell me that like every day
Josh says: talk to me everyday and I will
Seek the Truth says: =)
***********
Seek the Truth says: ugh this probably sounds really lame but i wanna tell you for some reason..... i think about you every day... and when i try to stop thinking about you every day... not only am i not successful but then i end up having dreams about you
Josh says: doesnt sound lame at all sounds vary similar for some reason
Seek the Truth says: well i'm glad it doesnt sound lame then
Josh says: the only downfall is you are with one of my few good friends and as much as I hate to try to fuck with it I cant help it
Seek the Truth says: i know =\ and i dont wanna mess with your guys's friendship and its not like i dont wanna be with treavor or anything
Josh says: I hear you completly but my god...
Seek the Truth says: i know when we're around you i feel bad about being close to treavor because i wanna be close to you too
Josh says: I am not a hard person to get around
Seek the Truth says: lol i dont get it for some reason
Seek the Truth says: i mean i dont understand what you just said
Josh says: i dont eiether
Seek the Truth says: lol k
Josh says: I try to reread what I say but it doesnt make since to me either all I know is I miss you
Seek the Truth says: i miss you too....
Seek the Truth says: i wish we could all be together... i wish you and treavor could be as awesome friends as you ever were and you guys could share me.. lol.. and i wish we all lived together and it would be so awesome
Josh says: as good as treavor and me could be friends I could never share some one I was in love with it just doesnt work we could all have a good time but we could all never make it together
Seek the Truth says: i know =/
Seek the Truth says: its so sad
Seek the Truth says: =(
Josh says: its only 1 third sad 2 thirds are happy thats all that counts thats majority
Seek the Truth says: yeah except i cant stop thinking about you
Josh says: I hear you
Josh says: god that goth outfit is flippin amazing
Seek the Truth says: lol
Seek the Truth says: not that i want to stop thinking about you...
Seek the Truth says: just not in that way. i guess
Josh says: sorry I am unforgetable so you will never be able to stop thinking about me in anyway : )
Seek the Truth says: hehe
Seek the Truth says: i'm glad we had this conversation tho
Seek the Truth says: i was dying to tell you
Josh says: im not glad this just makes things harder
Seek the Truth says: well at least i'm not dying to tell you anymore
Seek the Truth says: i figured it would make things harder tho
Josh says: yea but now you know I feel how you do that cant make things easier
Seek the Truth says: well at least my heartbreak for the last however many months its been wasn't over someone who didnt care anyway
Josh says: fair enough this just makes times to come harder well times that have past have more meaning
Seek the Truth says: sigh
Josh says: /sigh
Seek the Truth says: what if my dad dies and i come to kc by myself?
Josh says: well thats a horrible case
Seek the Truth says: i know
Josh says: if you are ever around for whatever reason than I am going to end up fucking up a friendship but hopefully make a new onepersay
Seek the Truth says: how would you fuck up the friendship?
Josh says: mine and treavors
Josh says: than again we hardly talk anymore
Seek the Truth says: i know, but... i'd like to say i wouldnt let us do anything
Josh says: he moves away but close and we dont talk but when i move farther and jesse and me still talk and hang out I just dont know
Seek the Truth says: but i want a kiss. really bad
Josh says: one kiss wouldnt settle anything
Seek the Truth says: i know
Seek the Truth says: sigh
Josh says: I cant believe trent fit into the dresser in mn
Seek the Truth says: lol
Josh says: thats my sad attempt of changing subjects I dont think it worked...
Seek the Truth says: no it didnt
Seek the Truth says: trent all wants to play in the bedroom where treavors sleeping
Seek the Truth says: the stupid bathroom you have to go thru the bedroom to get to
Seek the Truth says: treavor knows that i like you
Josh says: what?
Seek the Truth says: but i dont think he knows exactly how much
Seek the Truth says: i tried telling him i'm polyamorous... which i suppose i would be if i wanted you guys to share me
Seek the Truth says: that was like a week ago
Seek the Truth says: and we've had a shitty week
Seek the Truth says: but we're okay
Josh says: just take him to ihop and he will be ok
Seek the Truth says: lol
Josh says: tell them you want 42 creamers
Seek the Truth says: okay i'll try to remember that hehe
Josh says: mean while come to visit me while he is distacted with creamers
Seek the Truth says: lol
Seek the Truth says: omg i cant beleive you actually feel that way
Josh says: you are saying what I think
Seek the Truth says: i thought that you might, but then i would just tell myself that i'm just imagining it cuz i want it so bad
Josh says: I am the same way
********
Josh says: meet you halfway 8:05 PM
me: meet me halfway? 8:05 PM
Josh says: yea 8:06 PM
Josh says: halfway between here and there 8:06 PM
me: really? 8:06 PM
Josh says: i get off at 3 tomoroow and have tuesday and wed off work thur morn I will meet you halfway 8:07 PM
me: lol 8:08 PM
me: your being serious? 8:08 PM
Josh says: I was but after lol I dont know if I should claim it anymore 8:08 PM
Josh says: ok I am just going to say I was joking than to kill this silence 8:09 PM
me: sorry lol treavor came in and had to tell me about a board game lol 8:10 PM
me: sigh 8:10 PM
me: anyway, i totally would, but i cant 8:10 PM
me. sigh 8:10 PM
me. sigh and sigh 8:10 PM
Josh says: /sigh 8:10 PM
me: sigh 8:11 PM
me: lol 8:11 PM
Josh says: why cant you 8:11 PM
me: i cant lie? 8:11 PM
Josh says: lame but awesome in the long run i suppose 8:11 PM
me: yeah i guess 8:11 PM
Josh says: so there is no chance of this than huh 8:12 PM
me: maybe 8:12 PM
me: thats not the answer you want is it lol 8:12 PM
Josh says: nah but it make sense this is all just flirting I suppose 8:13 PM
Josh says: besides you and treavor are great for each other anyway 8:13 PM
me: why cant you and me be great for each other too? 8:13 PM
me: why cant i have the best of both worlds its not fair *pout* 8:13 PM
Josh says: it just wouldnt work like that atleast I dont think 8:14 PM
Josh says: tell treavor you want to drive out halfway and meet me to fuck and see what he says...hehe 8:14 PM
me: lol 8:14 PM
me: no i'd be too scared to say that lol 8:15 PM
Josh says: i would be too 8:15 PM
me: hehehe 8:15 PM
me:sigh, what sucks about treavor and my relationship is that most of the time when we get into arguments, he almost has an anxiety attack and i become suicidal. which i'm sure you so wanted to know. 8:16 PM
Josh says:why would you become suicidal? 8:17 PM
me: cuz i blame everything on myself 8:17 PM
Josh says: well stop that 8:17 PM
Josh says: why would you blame anything on yourself? You are so close to perfect 8:18 PM
Josh says: you there? 8:22 PM
me: ahhhh sorry treavor keeps coming in 8:23 PM
me: no wonder i never get work done lol 8:23 PM
Josh says: fucking asshole tell him to stay the fuck out you are trying to get naked with me 8:23 PM
me: heehee 8:23 PM
me: srsly 8:23 PM
me: anyway i dunno why i blame things on myself 8:23 PM
Josh says: well good there is no reason to so stop that 8:24 PM
me: hehe 8:24 PM
me: i'm trying ^_^ 8:24 PM
Josh says: omg I cant believe it a close friend and or family member of your needs you in south eastern wyonming tomorrow how lame 8:25 PM
me: i dont have any close family members lol 8:26 PM
me: or friends 8:26 PM
Josh says: fine josh needs you in somewhere between here and there 8:26 PM
me: hehehe 8:26 PM
Josh says: in a schoolgirl outfit... did I not mention that 8:27 PM
me: no you forgot now i have to change my entire plan geez 8:27 PM
Josh says: fine fine just come naked we will play it by ear 8:27 PM
********
me: lol, for so long i had wondered what the hell i was doing in your top 4 9:51 PM
Josh says: you should be above t man but than he would wonder 9:52 PM
Josh says: no one will ever get above my brother and jew I must say is one of my best friends 9:53 PM
me: hehe 9:53 PM
Josh says: treavor is a great friend in certain situations 9:53 PM
me: like when he hasnt moved away 9:54 PM
Josh says: yea 9:54 PM
me: and he's not throwing xboxes 9:54 PM
Josh says: haha 9:54 PM
Josh says: thats fucking histarical 9:55 PM
******
me: you really think about me every day? 10:06 PM
Josh says: not everyday more like everyother day 10:06 PM
me: ha i win again 10:06 PM
me: i think about you like multiple times a day 10:06 PM
me: but then again you have more stuff to do 10:06 PM
Josh says: i have no things to do 10:08 PM
Josh says: I must say though for the last 8 hours all I have thought about nonstop is you naked 10:08 PM
me: hehehe 10:08 PM
me: i'm glad i look better than dee 10:09 PM
Josh says: dee isnt even slightly hot you are the hottest girl I know 10:10 PM
me: =) 10:10 PM
******
Josh says: fair enough I know its hard to believe someone you hardly know but you just have to trust that I wont lie to you its one thing I feel strongly against 10:16 PM
me: alright i beleive you on that one too 10:17 PM
me: its a good thing i've had treavor to tell me all of the awesome things about you 10:17 PM
me: i know you have a conscience 10:17 PM
Josh says: dont listen to him he is a lier 10:19 PM
me: hehe no he's not 10:19 PM
Josh says: hehe 10:19 PM
******
me: i wonder what's going to happen 10:33 PM
Josh says: idk what do you want to happen 10:34 PM
me: hehe what i want is impossible 10:34 PM
me: aside from that i have no idea 10:34 PM
me: and i have no idea what should happen either 10:35 PM
me: i think somethings going to happen though 10:35 PM
Josh says: again what would you like to happen 10:36 PM
me: you and me and treavor all being happy 10:36 PM
Josh says: ok just between me and you 10:36 PM
me: a lot 10:37 PM
Josh says: go on 10:38 PM
me: hehe 10:38 PM
me: i can hear you say that 10:38 PM
me: what do i want to happen between me and you.... hmmm... you know i'm not really sure. i want to spend time with you, and i must say i really want to have sex with you... and umm spend some more time with you i dont know 10:39 PM
me: what do you want? 10:39 PM
Josh says: about all of what you said 10:40 PM
Josh says: minus treavor 10:40 PM
me: well i'm glad its treavor's fault that you guys dont really talk anymore 10:40 PM
me: i dont know, i might want more, i might want less, depending on what happens 10:41 PM
Josh says: want less? 10:41 PM
me: i dunno what if it turns out i really dont like you that much? not that i could actually see it happening but its still possible 10:42 PM
Josh says: than lets find out before you tell treavor 10:42 PM
me: i dont know how much if this is i want you cuz i cant have you 10:43 PM
me: or i'm *not supposed* to have you 10:43 PM
me: i dunno, how are we going to find out? 10:44 PM
Josh says: you have to lie for once 10:44 PM
me: lol 10:44 PM
me: you realize none of this is going to happen fast.... 10:44 PM
Josh says: sucks 10:45 PM
me: yeah, i know 10:45 PM
Josh says: i wish it could but in fair time I suppose 10:45 PM
me: sigh 10:45 PM
me: we have all the time in the world, right? 10:45 PM
me: sigh 10:46 PM
Josh says: best case yes but we are wasting alot of time thinking that 10:46 PM
me: hehe yeah 10:46 PM
*********
me: i still want you... 11:00 PM
Josh says: I want you more than ever... 11:00 PM
me: it feels good 11:01 PM
Josh says: I cant stop looking at pictures on your page and picturing you naked 11:01 PM
me: you're giving me goosebumps 11:01 PM
me: hehehe 11:01 PM
Josh says: not yet you have to wait until I eat you out before the goosebumps 11:02 PM
me: mmmmm 11:02 PM
Josh says: my god I cant wiat 11:03 PM
Josh says: wait even 11:03 PM
me: i feel like i did when we were on the bed 11:03 PM
me: i want you so bad 11:04 PM
Josh says: my god can I see you naked again yet and try to fulfill your fanitsy 11:04 PM
me: trying to regain composure to type something.... 11:05 PM
Josh says: let me know when you do 11:05 PM
Josh says: come on you have to have recomposure by now 11:06 PM
me: lol 11:07 PM
me: not really 11:07 PM
me: but i suppose i can force myself 11:07 PM
Josh says: so later tongith halfway huh...? 11:08 PM
me: i wish i could stop time for you and me 11:08 PM
me: i spend all day, every day, with treavor 11:09 PM
me: except today 11:09 PM
me: and when i'm working. 11:09 PM
Josh says: well spend all day with me online naked 11:09 PM
me: hehe 11:09 PM
me: i'd rather spend all day with you in real life 11:10 PM
me: naked 11:10 PM
Josh says: webcam webcam 11:10 PM
me: sigh 11:11 PM
Josh says: my god I miss you so much 11:12 PM
me: do you feel better knowing that i miss you just as much? 11:12 PM
Josh says: I would feel better with you ontop of me but yea 11:13 PM
me: heh yeah no kidding 11:13 PM
me: how much of this is about sex? 11:14 PM
me: i dont know how much it is for me 11:14 PM
me: but its a lot 11:14 PM
Josh says: hehe a bit but not alll 11:14 PM
me: lol 11:15 PM
me: right 11:15 PM
me: really, how much is it about sex for you 11:16 PM
Josh says: again alot but not nearly all of it 11:16 PM
me: so if we just snuck away and fucked then you'd still be wanting more? 11:17 PM
Josh says: idk how good is the fuck 11:17 PM
me: hehe 11:17 PM
me: i guess we'll see someday 11:18 PM
Josh says: if only it was tonight 11:19 PM
me: yeah srsly 11:19 PM
**********
Josh says: i miss you 11:51 PM
me: i miss you too 11:51 PM
Josh says: i think this is just a fantacy we will never get to fullfil 11:53 PM
me: i hope not 11:53 PM
me: i want it so bad 11:53 PM
me: i havent been able to stop thinking about you for so long 11:53 PM
Josh says: im not hard to stop thinking about just think about a goat 11:54 PM
me: lol, that didnt work 11:54 PM
Josh says: think about a minigoat than 11:54 PM
me: nope, it's not working 11:55 PM
me: i just dont have the love for goats that you have 11:55 PM
Josh says: idk my bff jill? 11:56 PM
me: hahahaha 11:56 PM
***********
Josh says: I love the tracey boobs and twats video 11:57 PM
me: yeah you will 11:57 PM
Josh says: but not tonight so I must pass out and get me 3 hours sleeps 11:58 PM
me: yeah, you probably should 11:58 PM
me: you can dream of my boobs and twats 11:58 PM
me: wait i have more than one? when did that happen? 11:58 PM
me: twats that is 11:58 PM
Josh says: haha 11:59 PM
Josh says: I need another dick 11:59 PM
me:you need a clone here that i can hide 11:59 PM
me: if i can have a clone of you, you can have a clone of me 11:59 PM
Josh says: I wish clone you sends naked photos 12:00 AM
me: clone me would be there already 12:01 AM
Josh says: you dirty slut you win' 12:01 AM
me: lol it makes me want you more when you call me that 12:01 AM
Josh says: so slut why dont you send me a picture 12:02 AM
Josh says: dont listen to me I am horrible at this.... hahahahaaaa hahaa 12:02 AM
me: lol 12:02 AM
me: youre such a dork 12:02 AM
Josh says: i want you so bad 12:03 AM
me: but youre not getting a picture tonight 12:03 AM
me: please put your dick in my mouth. 12:03 AM
Josh says: fair enough I am passing out and getting me 3 hours of sleep soon you get you schoolgril pic ready for tomorrow 12:03 AM
me: alright, you get your sleep 12:04 AM
Josh says: not yet you whore 12:04 AM
Josh says: I have have another 2 mins 12:04 AM
me: okay 12:04 AM
me: i didnt want you to leave anyway ^_^ 12:05 AM
Josh says: has treavor fucked you in the ass? 12:05 AM
me: lol 12:05 AM
me: no 12:05 AM
Josh says: would I be aloud to? 12:05 AM
me: how bad would you want to? 12:06 AM
Josh says: idk my bff jill 12:06 AM
me: hehehe 12:07 AM
me: we'll see ^_~ 12:07 AM
Josh says: so is that a yes 12:07 AM
me: its possible 12:07 AM
me: ^_^ 12:07 AM
me: i'm not making any promises about anal 12:08 AM
Josh says: so your making promises about fucking me 12:08 AM
me: i can make it a promise that i want to 12:08 AM
Josh says: ok a promise you want to and pictures tomorrow 12:09 AM
me: not promising that either BUT i can promise i intend to send you pictures sooner or later 12:10 AM
Josh says: oh? 12:10 AM
me: yes 12:11 AM
**********
me: what am i going to do? 12:25 AM
Josh says: fly out and hang out tuesday 12:26 AM
me: heh 12:26 AM
me: that would be pretty funny if i just left treavor and trent adn then i came back like nothing happened 12:26 AM
me: i dont htink i could do it tho 12:26 AM
me: not yet anyway 12:26 AM
me: sigh 12:26 AM
me: i like your hands 12:28 AM
me: you have short fingers 12:28 AM
Josh says: short but fat 12:28 AM
me:hehe they're like mine 12:28 AM
Josh says: so come out tuesday 12:29 AM
me: that's in less than 24 hours 12:29 AM
Josh says: so 12:29 AM
Josh says: omg I deid come visit me 12:29 AM
me: lol 12:29 AM
Josh says: come on please it will be worth the time 12:30 AM
me: i know it would 12:30 AM
me: i could just come visit you any weekend couldnt i? 12:31 AM
Josh says: yea 12:31 AM
me: maybe we should plan something like for realz 12:32 AM
me: i do need to *visit my dad* 12:32 AM
Josh says: ok when 12:32 AM
me: i dunno 12:32 AM
me: lol 12:32 AM
me: that is going to take a lot of b/s from me to treavor if i dont actually visit my dad tho 12:33 AM
me: i'm not sure i'm capable of that much 12:33 AM
Josh says: you can see him and say hi 12:33 AM
me: i dont really like spending time with my dad anyway 12:34 AM
me: can i fly there and stay with you? 12:34 AM
Josh says: yea 12:34 AM
me: i can say that i stayed at my dad's 12:34 AM
Josh says: ok lets figure this out later I have to be up in 2 and 1/2 hrs I am going to pass out 12:35 AM
me: lol 12:35 AM
me: alright we will 12:35 AM
July 4, 2007
i've just kinda been nauseous ever since josh and i talked. i have feelings, and they scare me. i mean the fact that i'm willing to just go visit him, probably have sex with him, and just lie to treavor about it is very concerning to me. lol. cuz i really... really really want josh. x_x
i have all sorts of questions about myself... this has happened many times before, that i fall for my b/f's best friend. like, this is the 5th time. x_x i've never especially enjoyed it before and i really, really don't enjoy it now. it is way more serious now.
can i commit to anyone at all? am i even really polyamorous? maybe i *AM* afraid of commitment. maybe i just get bored fast? how many more times is this going to happen? what about trent????
on the bright side, josh cares for me... and someone who cares is really what i have been needing. i mean, i know treavor cares, but i need someone else who cares. i've needed a life. for a long time. some sort of support. ppl who care about me, you know?
tho this is what i wanted, i know i just really need a circle of friends. or a couple best friends, or something like that i dunno.
anyway, i'm not afraid of losing treavor anymore. i take that back, i am afraid. but i dont feel like my life is useless if i don't have him. i don't feel like i'm going to kill myself if i lose him. josh tells me that i'm a good person. i wish i didn't need to hear it from someone. i just need constant affirmations. probably not healthy... i'm working on it.
my appetite has just been gone since i talked to josh. treavor and i had already been having a bad week because i told him about polyamory. really telling him about polyamory was telling him i wanted his best friend without saying it. me trying to explain polyamory really didnt make sense because i didnt mention josh, lol.
anyway, in our bad week before i talked to josh, i was relying on food for comfort. lol. i do that, i'm a binge eater without the purging. then i talked to josh. my desire for food was just gone. which i kind of wanted anyway, i'm trying to lose weight. i've been eating pretty much only a can of tuna a day since the 1st. i guess thats not so long, but it feels like it...
the ease at which my feelings just changed... almost just quit... for treavor is very frightening. i thought i was going to be with him forever. i dont want to see him. i dont even want to kiss him. but i do kiss him, and i pretend i'm kissing josh. x_x granted, we spend too much time together. this is a hard time for us. i really think we should spend some time apart...
since i'm not quite as dependant upon treavor as i was, because someone else actually cares and i have another reason to live besides treavor (i know that sounds very lame)... my patience with him is a lot shorter. he's a smart guy, but sometimes i think he just wants me to feel stupid. like nothing i say is right. everything i know, he knows more about. if i told him that, he would deny it. i think he does it subconsciously. or maybe i'm just very paranoid and sensitive to that kind of thing.
its something i dont think would be a problem in a relationship with josh....
ugh what a terrible start to a relationship.
it's how treavor's relationship started with me. he was involved with this girl, he met me, and he realized that he shouldnt let her treat him like shit (not that he treats me like shit). and my relationship with him is the best he's ever had. he's finally doesnt base his self-worth on whether or not someone loves him. at least that's what he says. but all throughout this relationship, i have. i have based my self-worth on whether or not he loves me. and when i feel like he doesnt love me, i want to die.
not any more.
i don't want to be dependant like this on anyone else though. i dont want to glue myself to josh. tho i think if treavor and i break up, i may move near josh. lol i dunno if i'll ever live with anyone else again.
its sad, at this point, i feel like treavor and i will break up.
i don't know though.
but i know we need time apart.
July 7, 2007
so, for the past two days (almost) i was in a mental health triage center thing. couldnt have my belongings or my shoes, metal on all the windows, everything locked up and protected, the whole nine yards.
more to come.
*edit*
the events leading up to it are a bit fuzzy... i think i had written that treavor and i had been arguing a lot in the past few weeks... treavor really didnt feel like i love him any more and so he asked, "do you still love me??" i said yes of course... somehow he just kept asking tons and tons of questions, and i cant lie when the answer is yes or no. so i told him the truth... he asked if there was someone else... he guessed at who it was... he had a lot of guesses before he guessed "josh?" heheh, one of my fav's was confused on one of my recent entries, "isn't he your son's dad?" yes, trent's biological father's name is josh, but that's not the same guy. treavor also initially thought i was talking about my "ex" (if he even counts as one).... once i said yes when he asked if it was "josh" i started just crying uncontrollably.... then he said something that made me realize he was talking about trent's bio father and i was just like "NO!....." heheh it might have been better if he had just kept thinking it was the wrong josh....
ummm..... so yeah i dont really remember the rest of the discussion.... treavor just kept asking questions.... i was crying the hardest i have in my life... treavor told me today that was the hardest he's ever cried too. i was soooo upset, he felt so heartbroken and betrayed..... it was horrible....
i was doing so well through the first part of the conversation.... i know i have problems with self-confidence, etc... and when treavor's upset it's hard for me to feel loved, or worth anything, etc. i was doing so well, i was being so calm, but when treavor asked if it was josh i just lost it.....
i was even doing pretty well, despite the hard crying.... until it was time for me to put trent to bed. trent was in the other room watching tv through all of this... his eyes were all red, i'm not sure why, he could have just been tired but i didnt like it anyway... then, being the toddler he is, he threw a fit at bedtime, crying and all that...
trent has suffered in these weeks of arguing... treavor and i have had strange sleep patterns... we're stubborn... i dont know any other excuses as to why we didnt really play with trent much or take him to the park or anything... we just didn't feel like it.....
and i felt horrible about it... when he was crying (since it was his bedtime) i felt so horrible.... i thought of myself as a failure as a girlfriend, as a mom, as whatever my role was with josh... i felt like a failure as a whole person... i wanted to die... everything would be better if i died.... treavor was talking about how he wished he was dead.... he said he wouldnt commit suicide but he didnt want to be alive.
i just felt horrible.... i would have probably been more.... angry with myself... as in, actively just fucking attacking myself with my nails and do pretty much anything to inflict pain on myself with the least impact on my surroundings... i'm nice that way i suppose.... but i couldnt do that this time, my head hurt SO fucking bad.... i was imagining going to the hospital and them asking me how much it hurt on a 1-10 scale... i dont think it was a 10, but i really couldnt decide if it was worse than childbirth (w/o epidural) or not.
the pain was pretty much incapacitating though, and my lack of interest in being alive wasn't helping. i was pretty nauseous, i really felt like i was going to throw up but i did what i could to avoid it.... despite my carelessness, i still really fucking hate vomiting.
so, with the pain, and with the suicidal thoughts.... i was pretty much unresponsive to treavor. every once in a while i'd make an effort to say something, many times "my head hurts...." he gave me advil... brought me some water.... i tried tilting my head up, as i was laying down in bed, but treavor had to help me... we still spilled water all over the bed and hardly any of it got in my mouth.
while i was laying there, when i could think through the pain, i was just thinking of how i'd go about killing myself... i figured most if not all of the knives in our apartment were too dull and i doubted i had the strength to really cut through anything.... i really wished we had a handgun. i just couldnt think of anything, i wasn't feeling the whole overdosing thing, probably because i tried that before and it was easy for treavor to stop me. i wanted to grab the bottle of bleach and just start chugging. i'm not really sure what that'd do to my system, but the effects weren't good, i knew that, and i felt like i deserved all of the pain in the world... and i probably wanted pity.... "look how bad you made me feel, why did you react like that???"
and that's wrong, i know..... but it felt like i had no other option. not to mention i really did just want to be dead....
soooo... treavor didnt trust me. he asked if i wanted to go somewhere and talk to someone, he said "are you sure? once i call them, there's no going back..." i said yes, i'd wanted to get help for so long....
i was admitted to this "crisis triage center." treavor was with me in the waiting room while they were seeing if i was bad enough to be admitted i suppose.... the counselor was asking both of us questions, and treavor would cry, and cry, and cry. i had tears in my eyes, but i dont think i really cried when i was talking to anyone else.... at one point they asked for treavor's parents number, and he looked in his phone and got stuck in his address book on josh's number, and cried harder. they wanted him to go to the VA hospital to see if they could do anything... his dad came and picked trent and treavor up... they went to VA hospital and just said he should go back to the crisis triage center.... but he didnt want to, so they just went to treavor's parents' house.
by the time i was admitted it was dawn. i usually go to sleep late, but not quite that late. i laid in my bed and cried/tried to sleep until they called everyone out for breakfast. it was very uncomfortable being around all of the other people, i was scared of them at first. all sorts of mentally ill ppl i didnt know and had never seen before, you know. after breakfast i just sat up in my bed for a while. i did actually eat. it was actually kind of good. i was actually kind of hungry. not that i finished my food....
after breakfast i slept. they called everyone for lunch but i didnt get up and they let me sleep. i think snack may have come next, and i did get up for that. still i was uncomfortable and scared.
more people were being admitted, and i got a roommate. she was a very sweet, i would say middle-aged black lady. she had such a light voice, and that was nice. she had a lot of people to call on the phone. she would say "i don't feel very well" a lot. it was cute, when she was trying to think of words or how to say something, she would actually say "umm" and "er" not quite like i've heard anyone say them before, i liked it. she had been a live-in nurse, or something, to someone for 20 years, and she had been told to go home for a few days... and she didnt really have a home, because she lived in their house. apparently she had an anxiety attack, she had nowhere to go. i didn't really know how to talk to her, i tried to be understanding... but i just had short answers like "yeah" and maybe some sentence that was less than five words. she asked if i was worried, and i said yes. but i couldn't really say anything more....
dinnertime, whee... i ate and came back to my room. i felt uncomfortable with my roommate in there... i suppose that's why they have more than one bed in most rooms, so someone will spend time elsewhere. i didn't want to keep my roommate up, i wasn't very tired. i went and asked for a book to read. they had shit. but i grabbed one anyway, something about adult children of alcoholics. whee! i'm one of those.... it had 13 characteristics of adult children of alcoholics, and i felt i fit into each and every one of them. while i kept reading, i couldnt help but imagining treavor telling me how i'm only believing things because i'm reading them... uggghhhh.... for some reason, i feel like posting the 13 characteristics though...
1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
i got through more than half the book, i was actually feeling like i was going to finish a book! lol... but this woman got admitted... she reminded me of my dad, but that's probably just because she was drunk lol. her hate for the people who admitted her was hilarious, she would say "too bad i didn't bring my mission impossible clothes" in reference to finding a way to sneak out, lol. she said it jokingly, like my dad would.
she kept asking this psychotic guy things, and he never really answered, though he came to sit at the same table as us. i was uncomfortable around him, he was a big guy with tattoos, and i was sitting here wearing the shortest shorts i own. he'd often laugh so hard at nothing, i wonder what he heard. his feet were all cut up, i wonder how that happened...
so i sat a couple hours with them in the dining room. i almost asked the lady for her myspace, she mentioned it once in conversation. i thought that would be hilarious to have someone that i met at a place like that on my friends list.
eventually they left, i got bored with my markers and paper.. and decided to go to bed...
i woke up in the morning to the smell of pee, turns out my roommate pissed herself. nice. they gave her pants to wear and they were so loud... i faked sleeping through this... i didnt want her to know that i knew, i know it would have been embarassing for her.
they called us in for breakfast. whee. the dining room was full when i got there, so i went to the other room and ate alone. after breakfast, i pretty much stayed out of my room. i decided to make a list of what i want and a list of what sort of help i need to get (down to medicaid for trent).
a counselor came in to talk to me, she was much nicer than the guy from somewhere in India was. not that i have things against ppl from india..
i decided to write a letter to treavor and then call him and read it to him. in it i said i still wanted to go visit josh. he said if i visit josh, treavor and i would no longer be able to be together. i felt like it was unfair. but when you put it as "if you cheat on me, we have to end it." it doesnt sound so bad. i was putting it as "let me go, and if we're meant for each other i'll come back to you." perhaps i'm just being a whiny little bitch, but i don't think it's fair for me to have to chose between them. especially when i don't even know exactly what i'm feeling for josh. i want to know if it's more than just infatuation, and for god sakes i really really want to fuck him. i was careful not to say that though, when treavor asked, i would emphasize that it's not all about the sex...
i was thinking, and this whole relationship i've been trying to be what treavor wants. when the relationship first started, i was so excited that he and i went so well together, because he deserves that. it seems like everything i do, i do for him. i want him to be happy. that's why i never told him about josh (until he finally asked that is). i didnt want to say anything that would hurt him. i knew it was hurting our relationship though, and i had a few meager attempts at telling him that really just led him down the wrong path. i felt like my meager attempts were huge accomplishments though.
he had called josh and asked josh about everything. josh denied it. treavor asked if he could see the conversation between me and josh. how could i say no? i'm here to please right? ughhhh.. i had the whole first conversation saved in my email in my drafts folder. i wonder if he noticed that i was using his screenname.. i was on his computer when it happened, which is why i saved the convo in my drafts folder in my email. he read everything. treavor called him back, and josh was still denying everything, until apparently josh gave in and was like "fine, i'm a horrible friend...." etc etc etc.
treavor tells me he lost josh, he cant lose both josh and me. he at least knows that i'm more trustworthy than josh was.... ughhh
treavor says that from now on "all the cards have to be on the table." i can't keep things from him anymore. i have to tell him the truth about everything, when it happens. and, you know, i dont think i can do that....
when i was in the hospital, i wanted to break up with treavor. i wanted to go visit josh. i was resolute. i felt like i had to do it for myself.
when treavor told me that if i go visit josh, treavor and i can no longer be together, i just gave up. obviously i'm just wrong. i'm always wrong. treavor needs to make all of the decisions. thats not what he wants, but if we're going to be together that's what i want him to do. i dont think i can be happy anymore with him. and i'm already lying to him, i tell him i can be happy with him. lies, lies, lies. whee i love lies.
i'm just telling him what he wants to hear. i dont have the strength to do anything else.
meh i feel like stopping here, except to say i desperately want to talk to josh. treavor is staying with his parents for a week or so, tho it's my birthday on the 10th and we have ozzfest tickets on the 12th. so idk, he might end up coming back here sooner. x_x anyway, so yes, i cant talk to josh. he's visiting a mutual friend of treavor's.. josh has read, or at least opened my messages on myspace. i sent three, i feel bad for that lol but i had things i wanted to say. i sent another one when i noticed he read my messages, asking if he'd get on yahoo to chat if he had the chance, but i talked to the friend he's staying with later and he was sleeping. x_x i would call josh, i almost did last night but i just couldnt, i was still feeling so bad... and i've never called josh before... and he's trying to have a nice weekend with his friend. plus i am horrible at talking on the phone...
i had more to write about my stay in the hospital but i'm not up for it... maybe another time.... this is enough i think.
July 9, 2007
I'm okay. Describing my situation, as many times as I had to do it, it seemed so trivial... It seemed like I blew it out of proportion. It didn't feel like that. I'm still having a little trouble when I think of Josh. I don't think I mentioned here, but I don't think he'll talk to me any more. That's probably a good idea, as much as I don't want to admit it.
Tonight, I anticipate, is the last night of calm. Trent is with Treavor at his parents' for the last night. I've never been away from Trent so much, but it's a relief. I've spent the days with him, but it's such a breath of fresh air to spend time to myself. Even if my lungs are full of blood, I can still taste the clear, crisp cleanliness.
They are re-paving the parking lot at the apartment tomorrow. I'll have to have the car out of here by 8:00 a.m. It'll be a stretch given my usual sleeping style. We're planning on going camping. Halfway to avoid the parking lot, halfway to celebrate my birthday, halfway to start off again on a good note, hopefully. And I'm not sure how there got to be three halves.
This means I won't work tomorrow, although it is my day off anyway. Probably won't work on Wednesday, but maybe. Not going to work on Thursday, that's Ozzfest. Hopefully we can still go.
Treavor's mom and sister are upset with me. Well, so I hear, and it may just be a surface sort of thing they're putting up. It's unsettling.
I feel naked and uncomfortable.
I'm going to go have a drink....
and work some.
July 14, 2007
Treavor convinced me that Josh will probably want to talk to me eventually... after I had convinced myself that he would never talk to me again. -_- I've messaged Josh on MySpace like, oh, I don't know, six times since I was released from the "hospital." Most of them were the first day. Only two of them had real substance, the rest were just things I nervously forgot to mention, more apologies, that kind of thing. I knew I shouldn't have been sending so many messages, and I apologized for that a couple times. In the last one I sent, I mentioned I wasn't going to message him any more until he messaged me, or until I felt waayyy tooo compelled to message him again.
It's hard to believe that was still only a few days ago. I saw him online in MySpace a few minutes ago, messaged him with "I see you're online..." in the subject and "what's up?" in the body of the message. My heart was beating fast as I sent it. It seemed like I could feel him, too. I felt the nauseous feeling that I had begun having when he and I started really *talking.* He didn't open it before he logged off. A few of the messages he hasn't opened.
My nose has been itching like fucking crazy lately. I was told once that when your nose itches, it means someone is thinking of you. Every single time I itch my damn nose, I think of Josh. I hope he's thinking of me.
I don't want to let him go. Arrrrrgghhhh. I know I should. I curse having to choose.
Treavor, Trent and I went camping for my birthday. Two nights. The campsite was within walking distance of the ocean. We got the most beautiful camping spot, too. Ahhh... it was great. There was a swamp-like thing between us and the ocean, and we could hear the frogs at night. We could hear the ocean. We could hear the crackle of the campfire. It was the greatest camping experience I've ever had, even though the ENTIRE FUCKING second day was us *talking.* Ugh, I hate talking, I wish it wasn't necessary. Our relationship has been one big fucking rollercoaster since he found out about Josh. I thought I liked rollercoasters, lol, but this one FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!
We've decided we're trying to stay together. He's going to go visit his aunt for a couple weeks... IN a couple weeks. We're still going to look for counseling. I'm trying to be open to him. Etc.
Like I said, not a word from Josh. Kind of glad, kind of not. I want to talk to him so bad. I know I shouldn't. I should stop trying, just let it go. But I DON'T WANT TO.
Treavor and I were being philosophical in IHOP today... we both are to the point where we don't believe in the get married and be happy in love forever that we're brought up to believe exists. Treavor says he does believe it, but only because he feels like he's capable of it. He's never seen it work; I've never seen it work. Unhappy marriages don't count. I'm having trouble getting to the points I want to make here. He and I both agree that it is *possible* (but perhaps unlikely) between the two of us. If it turns out we can't be that way, we both would like a family with the other person, and we've never met anyone else who even came close to that.
Bottom line: Our relationship is special, and it's not something either of us wants to just throw away. If it doesn't work out in the end, at least we can say that we tried our best and we won't be left wondering "what if..." And if it doesn't work out, I could still go be with Josh. Giggity! Hehe. That is if Josh would still want me. Which I feel is debatable at this point, but who knows.
Oh, and we went to Ozzfest. I wore my improvisation of a goth schoolgirl outfit. People like it. ^_^