oxygen
I feel like I can't breathe. I don't feel that I'm acting as myself any longer. I love my friends but I can't continue to party and degrade my body. It's not good for me physiaclly or mentally. I also can't stand being the third wheel. I also am extremely competitive so that is not a good thing either. I have made some dire mistakes and now I'm paying for them in more way than one. I can't write about them and I haven't told anyone so don't bother asking. I just know that it could entirely ruin many friendships but keeping it in is killing me. (Katie it wouldn't ruin our friendship so don't worry, but I still can't tell you. I'm really sorry but I can't tell anyone. I'm trying to hide it from myself as well, but no cigar.) I just know that I have no intention of drinking ever again. I know that sounds like such a lie but this event may have sealed the deal. If I drink again it will be far from now and definitely not with anyone I typically drink with. Hopefully the next time I drink I will be in college with new people and it won't be to get drunk, it will just be casual wine over dinner or something like that. I'm turning into the things I hate, and it's killing me. I don't even know what I believe any more, and I generally know what I stand for. Actions define you and currently my definition is lacking in moral fortitude and mental strength. Just to add more to your understanding, I'm currently changing medicines so things are really ugly in side my brain right now. I don't even know who I am any more.